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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones 12 hours ago. 10 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

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Comment by Steve on December 31, 2018 at 4:44pm
Comment by Sara Murphy on December 31, 2018 at 4:09pm

Hi everyone..  I'm going to spend some time tomorrow catching up on reading the posts but I wanted to take a minute to wish everyone a peaceful New Years and better days to come in 2019

Love, Sara

Comment by Marsha H on December 31, 2018 at 4:04pm

Dear Chuck ...  I do agree with Mary Jane.  When you look back on what your friend did for you when you needed it the most I'm inclined to think of angels too.  When Ernie was dying in hospital my girlfriend was with me every single steps of the way and picked me up when I was down.  She hugged me when I cried, she was intelligent and did a lot of the paperwork for me to and she not only saw me through the whole ordeal, but to the bitter end.  She was stoic so I would become stronger and I was, but one day while at the hospital she broke down and cried and I'd never seen her cry.  I hugged her close and realized she too was grieving for her friend Ernie.  After he passed she saw me through all the red tape and just like your friend after it was all over I didn't hear from her as often as we I use to.  I didn't take offence and realized she needed space and so did I.  Now, we see each other perhaps a couple of months time-wise and yet we pick up where we left off.  We here forget sometimes that others grieve as well not only for the loss of their friend who passed away, but for us as well.  It's exhausting.  Here is a story for you to prove it's either angels of someone much bigger than us here on earth:

My first marriage was not a good one and I filed for divorce.  I had never lived on my own, but I thought it was time I put my big girl panties on and became more independent.  I was in a job that didn't pay well and they were laying people off and I was one of them shortly after I had moved into my apartment.  I never went to my parents for help so I beat the streets looking for work and suddenly when I went to the Employment Center the woman across the desk looked at me and said, 'Where have they been hiding you?  You have excellent qualifications.'  I was stunned.  Life had not been good to me at that time.  She found a great job for me at Trans Mountain Pipeline and I went in for the interview.  The man who interviewed me said he would get back to me the same day.  I was anxious and called him, but his line was busy and lo and behold he was trying to reach me.  I heard the words 'you are hired!'  I had no money so I got up the next morning very early to walk to work which was about 12 miles.  (I was much younger then.  LOL)  As I walked out of my apartment where I always turned left I happened to look right down at the floor for some strange reason and there standing on end was exactly 80 cents which pay for a bus going to work and coming home.  I couldn't believe my eyes because no one knew what was going on.  Once at work when I got to the reception area (I was dressed very business-like) the receptionist told me where to go and then said, 'Marcy, here is $50 to get you through until pay day.'  HUH?  I have a lot of pride and I told her I was just fine, but she insisted.  As soon as I got paid I paid her back.  I worked with 8 other men in the office and they were all so good to me and we all became friends.  It was a pleasure to go to work.  So you see my friend, angels do exist  and some put thoughts into people's minds to do good deeds. 

Please don't feel your friend has abandoned you because she hasn't, smile because she was there when you needed her the most and believe me, she does know how your life is going and as Mary.Jane said, letting you stand on your own two feet just like myself. 

Love you

Marsha 

Comment by Marsha H on December 31, 2018 at 3:48pm

Dear Diane ...  HAPPY NEW YEAR!  I will raise a glass to all of you as well.  Just going to friends to bring in the NY.  I know for some it will be the first time alone, but please believe me when I say it does get better.  For others I wish you peace, good health and a beautiful 2019!

Ya know I love all of ya!

Marsha 

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 31, 2018 at 1:01pm

Thank you.rigt back atcha, Diane.

Actually, for Bob and I the last time we celebrated NewYears was 1999. This was just another day for us.

Comment by Diane C on December 31, 2018 at 11:16am

Hello to all my friends,

Another New Year is upon us again. Some of us for the 1st time without or spouse (partner), and others longer. I know that this is another one of the hardest nights to get through alone. But I wanted to let EVERYONE know I am thinking of you and will raise a toast tonight in your honor for a better year. Happy New Year and know that you are never alone....

Diane

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 30, 2018 at 10:56pm

Chuck,, ok I don,t know if you’re going to like what I am going to say, and I might have the situation about Peggy all wrong...but here goes:

I have been mulling over your post about Peggy for 2 days.I have heard the phrase about people coming into your life for a season, or a reason, etc, and I think it is true. Your friend sounds wonderful...and it seems to me she did some amazing things. You couldn,t be there with Larry...and without Peggy being there, while you were also sick and in the hospital,  she might have stood in your place..telling Larry why you weren’t,t there..otherwise, he would have just has hospital staff..and he might have passed thinking you DIDN,t care. I bet she spoke on your behalf, telling him how much you cared, etc. since you couldn,t be there..she stepped in for you, so Larry would know you still cared..Then, after? She helped you get S.S. And other stuff? Made sure you could drive etc...and then she left? In MY eyes, and I could b wrong...she HAD to leave! If she,d stayed, you would have never learned to care for yourself..but might have been dependent on her,or others forever. She helped you with the basics, she gave you your wings, taught you how to use them, then was kind enough to let you fly on your own. At least that is how I see it. I could be wrong...but you HAD to learn to rely on yourself...with everything that happened, and loosing Larry, too...I think she helped you in a wonderful way..by letting you be. It must have been hard loosing two people you loved,  for both of you.

i hope i haven,t got everything wrong...but I know that people come into your life when you need them...and then one day you realize you haven,t heard from them in a long time...but maybe that is/was meant to be. 

Does she know you found Steve? And, this is a strange thought, but what if she was an angel?  Ok kids, don,t think I have really lost my mind..but why not? To me, anything is possible.

Someday I will tell y’all about being hit by a city bus, while I was crossing the street..yup.and a lady I had never seen before, or ever again...and .you really CAN fly through the air when struck by a large vehicle...if you are blessed and the bus doesn,t run over you. But that’s for another day.

Chuck, I hope I haven,t upset you...I don,t know the entire story, just what you posted..and I can understand how you might be angry. She got to be with Larry, and YOU didn,t. Humans always want to blame someone else ....BUT THAT IS JUST THE WAY IT HAPPENED and there was NOTHING you or she could change about YOUR circumstances that day. 

Don,t be upset with me, if I have it all wrong...:-)  I get a lot of stuff wrong...and please forgive me for running my mouth/stylis. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on December 29, 2018 at 11:38pm

Awesome!!  I will order it on Amazon tomorrow.thankyou for recommending it! Y’all know how anal I am about my cat...also, it is almost midnight, and he is on the bed waiting for me. Ever since Bob died...he has slept by my side every single night. Before, not so much...of course, Bob slept with a C-pap machine on...which blew air around and made noise..but I think Rudy-the Wonder Kitty  is there because he loves me, and knows how much I love him.. 

Comment by Steve on December 29, 2018 at 7:20pm

Dear Family,

I received a book for Christmas that I am recommending to all.  It is called "The Travelling Cat Chronicles" by Hiro Arikawa.  It was translated into English by Phillip Gabriel.

It is funny, gives you an idea of what your cat is thinking, and it has a wonderful story about a young man who befriends a stray cat and their adventures together.  Along the way the author blends in stories from the young man's friends and life.  All the while, he talks to his cat and you get the cat's thoughts.  It is a wonderfully entertaining book that covers a lot of the things we experienced....don't want to spoil the story...it made me smile, feel sad, feel hopeful and in the end tears of joy.

one of the reviews:

"Any one who has ever unashamedly loved an animal will read this book with gratitude. for its understanding of an emotion that enables us as human beings, whether we value it or not."

Lynn Truss - The Guardian

Comment by Diamond on December 27, 2018 at 2:15pm
For the most part it can be easier sharing your emotions with those who do not have history with you as it enable them to see you in a light free of bias opinion or judgment. This site is excellent for sharing those emotions most may not allow us to freely discuss without a time frame involved in the healing process. Here we can share year in, year out that which affect our heart with the greatest loss imaginable, the loss of a dearly belove one. The pain and void is always there....some days good, some days bad. This site is for us.......share and share more!!!!!
 

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Bonny Jones replied to Bonny Jones's discussion Grief so great it hurts in the group Bereaved Spouses
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