Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: on Tuesday
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22.
Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16.
Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2, 2018.
comforting that he relies on you both to help without feeling like he’s imposing. After all, you really are more family than some of your relations by blood. Back on the road, you start remembering the arguments that erupted at last year’s dinner, people growing more confrontational with each glass of wine. One guest had to sleep on the sofa rather than drive home, another broke Jeff’s best serving platter while trying to wash it. The tension was palpable during the last part of the ceremony, poor Jeff was trying desperately to diffuse the situation with jokes. You both were aggravated at the way some guests treated you like the help, asking you to get them more wine and to take their plates. It would be nice to visit for a weekend without having to spend time dealing with all these people and the drama they seem to create each year. Once again you say “I hope things are calmer this year. Tell me again - why are we doing this?” Without missing a beat he says “Because Jeff is one of your oldest and best friends, and you love him.” You ponder this for a moment, then reply that he is right. Then you ask him why he is doing this. This time he pauses for a moment, then quietly says “Because you are my best friend, and I love you. I love travelling with you and watching you and Jeff together.” This simple declaration, said without effort or pretense, startles you to tears, and when you try to talk he hears the emotion in your voice. You then say “Do something for me – don’t ever stop telling me that, because I can get through anything, and put up with anything, so long as I know that you love me.”Now four years have passed since losing him. Jeff is again planning his Seder, but you won’t be there this year. In one week it will be the fourth anniversary of his passing, and a feeling that’s become all-too familiar is coursing through your blood. Nervousness, apprehension, confusion, and a unique pervasive melancholy you only discovered after losing him. The littlest things can bring tears to your eyes, or make you completely lose yourself in some memory of a place – a conversation – his voice. If only you could hear that beautiful voice once more, saying the things that always made it easier for you to get through the toughest of situations. If only he could tell you again…
Forgive my using a blanket post to reply to everyone - thank you to you all who commented on the plaque. I didn't say so before, but somehow on the day last fall when I was sent the photo via email of it in place and told by the memorial company that it was finished, I felt the strangest feeling of losing Larry all over again. Somehow it made everything so final - there was nothing left for me to do for him.
Sara and Marsha, I am posting this story that I just wrote last night especially for you and everyone who have always said they enjoy my writing. I haven't written for some time, so this feels like a reawakening of sorts. Love to everybody, and Todd, it really is good to hear from you again as Marsha says. Also, Mary Jane, I want to write at another time, hopefully soon, about your plans for Bob's ashes. Everyone be well, and love to you all - Chuck
Chuck ... As always your posts are so interesting (get writing a book please) and the plaque is lovely. I have Ernie's ashes in a beautiful mahogany box and his wishes were to have them strewn in the Pitt River (he was a genuine Huckleberry Finn when younger) along with my ashes.
I will be emailing you and so sorry I haven't kept in touch, but so much going on and most of it isn't good. Hugs Steve for me big brother!
Love & Hugs
Hi Todd ... So wonderful to see your post. Like others when I don't see them post although I miss them I'm hoping and praying they are at peace and making a good life for themselves. Great you are still around or we'd sure miss you!
...I actually cried when I saw the picture of the plaque. Chuck, It is beautiful. Sadly, Bob’s ashes are still in the container the funeral home put them in, and that is inside a fabric bag, with a pattern of cool paint splatters...(we saw it at a store,, and it looked just like a pattern on a pallet, like he used to create when he did his paintings.)
It sits on a small table next to the chair I always sit in....and seeing Chucks wonderful tribute made me feel sad that I haven’t done anything for him yet. He wanted his ashes scattered over an area on the California Coast, that is an ancient Olohne Indian shell mound, that we used to visit..amazingly it was undesturbed for centuries...we used to collect artifacts..and the area is right next to a nude beach..but when we first found it..there were THOUSANDS of ancient tools...so many we were STUNNED they were left intact..but we left them alone, too. There was a “feeling” there, that to take anything from that area was just WRONG...it is one of the. Oldest sights in California...the Olone tribes lived there thousands of years ago...and I think others who came upon it must have felt the same way.
Bob wrote in his will, that his ashes be scattered there, but THANKFULLY, he learned b4 he died, the state of CA had purchased the land, and are making a state park out of it, and it will be preserved forever. We were so happy that some developer or horrible careless people would desecrate it...but I am still going to scatter his ashes on the beach, in a cove next to it..but the older I get, the harder it will be, as it is a hefty trek from the road to the beach...so he will just have to wait another year until Melinda and I can get there. Meanwhile, I find his ashes next to me very comforting. I talk to them sometimes...sorry this post is so long.
Hi Sara! Hi Chuck! Hi Marsha! Still here and hope you are all well. Blessings to all
It's been so long since posting that I had to reset my password! I had replies I had wished to post to so many of your posts, but it seemed time or circumstance always kept me from doing so. It is good though to now see many familiar names appear again. Last week Steve and I met with his cousin visiting Dallas, and at dinner was describing the way that Legacy had helped us both to begin our path toward healing - a path that unexpectedly led to us living together. In the telling, I was reminded afresh of how miraculous finding this family was for me four years ago. I would hate to think that this incredible source of support, compassion, and encouragement would ever cease to be available to newly grieving people!
April is now for me a month that will forever bring with it such a confusing jumble of feelings that I face it with trepidation and a resolve to get through the fresh mix of memories and sadness with at least a modicum of grace. My Larry passed on the 22nd, but from the 5th I had been hospitalized, a situation that in retrospect must have been Hell on earth for Larry. I remember one Sunday morning asking the nurse, after noticing a vase with daffodils near my bed if it was Easter yet. I will never forget the look on her face as she said "Oh, honey, I'm afraid that you've missed Easter this year."
I have so much I want to share about all these past months, but for now will just tell you that before the ground froze in NJ last fall I had a memorial plaque installed on Larry's grave finally. I couldn't afford it in 2015 when his cremains were interred, and it had been growing in the back of my mind into a much bigger issue as the years passed. Steve, bless him, knew this and encouraged me to begin the process early enough that approving designs and making payments along the way it would be done in 2018. I am adding a photo of it here. We were prevented from travelling to NJ to see it last year because of Steve's radiation treatments that commenced in Oct. Perhaps we will get north this year, but if not I am hoping that Larry's son, and perhaps a few other members of his family, will visit him and approve of my choice of a message.
I'll stop here, but send my love and many hugs to you all - although you may not have seen me here, I have been reading and keeping you all in my heart.
Diane C .... Great to see you posting my dear friend! Thanks you for thinking of me and I'm getting a little more energy each day, but hey, I still have that nap during early evening. LOL I guess like many of us the chores we have to do inside and outside if we live in our homes can sure be over-whelming. I have no idea where to start.
I don't think that Legacy will disappear at all. Facebook is having a great deal of issues and I've heard some of my friends say they have ditched Facebook. Security isn't as tight as they would have you believe. I come here not just out of loyalty, but love my dear family here and it was Legacy that saved me through the worst of my grief.
Hope you are doing well Diane and please keep posting.
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