Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Sara Murphy on June 5, 2019 at 11:18am
Chicago.....It's good to hear from you. I hope you were able to recall all the happy memories of your time with Rose and smile through the tears. I know it's easier said than done but it's what I myself am trying to do. Please do check in with us every now and then to let us know how you're doing
Comment by Marsha H on June 5, 2019 at 5:40am

I agree with Mary.Jane.  It's called Mental Telepathy and no voice, but our brain hears the message loud and clear.  I have experienced it also.  It is comforting to know they are really there when you need them.

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 3, 2019 at 7:25am

Ok, I just had to answer this, although I am supposed to be getting ready for the home inspectors’s  about our loved ones communicating. They DO answer’s just not in their’s the single thought that pops into our head as we r talking to them, or thinking about them, or even better, about to make a decision...where a bit of advice will pop into your head...It sounds like YOU are replying to your self..but it is THEM, with either an answer to the question we just asked...or the advice on should we do something..I am not making sense..but I think you will “get it” .

I find it very comforting and nice they are still around watching over us. 

Comment by Marsha H on June 3, 2019 at 5:09am

Trina ...  I always look forward to seeing you post!  Miss you!

You are also right about cancer and more and more people who have the type of cancer which has little cure are opting out on Chemo or Radiation.  It is a nasty disease and takes so many lives.  

Smart that you left a living Will.  You bet cancer is a million dollar business and if you mention anything to your doctor or get angry about it they either stay quiet or like what Mary.Jane said they can get uppity, but they know more than they are saying.  I know, my family doctor that retired we had many conversations about this very thing.

I too talk to Ernie every day and sometimes I can feel him around me.  I think we'd be in shock if they actually answered us!

I hope you are doing much better my dear friend.



Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 3, 2019 at 12:40am

Mary Jane and Marsha,

What you say about cancer is so true. When I was growing up, cancer was very rare, but these days it is rampant. People get it all the time and especially younger people as well. Joseph died of lung cancer, so he and I were like you two with your spouses who had to endure the horror that cancer wreaks. I am very sorry that we had to face the terrifying feeling, the disbelief and the feeing utter of helplessness and despair cancer brings.

I, too, left it in my Living Will, that if I were diagnosed with cancer, no chemo, no radiation, just relief from pain. Cancer is a billion dollar business, and I don't want to give more business to the cancer industry.  

And Mary Jane, thanks for sharing here that you talk to your husband all the time. Now I know that I am not crazy, and that  I am not the only one who has daily conversations with my deceased husband. For me, I talk to Joseph all the time just like I did when he was alive. Only difference, I answer back to myself for him! LOL!

Be well, all of you here, our family in grief. Only we know what it takes to go on living and survive day after day after the love of our life is gone. So much pain, so much wearing a mask of normalcy, so much of always trying to seem "normal" to the world. It's all so exhausting... 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on June 3, 2019 at 12:25am

Chicago B, I wanted to chime in and say I fully empathize with you as you silently marked your 39th anniversary. The birthdays and the anniversaries are the hardest to face and endure. For many of us on this site everyday is a struggle (it is still for me almost five years after my beloved's death) but the anniversaries and the birthdays are the marker days that cause us the most pain. Thinking of you on your tough day and sending healing vibes to you.

Comment by Marsha H on June 2, 2019 at 12:47am

Mary.Jane ...  I have to say I agree on what you said.  I already have it in my Will, no Chemo or radiation and just pain relief, but also Euthanasia is legal in Canada (a few creases in it, but it's here) and I have that in my Will as well.  I don't want to be in palliative care.   There is an outbreak of cancer we are seeing and I have no idea where it's coming from.  You are right, back in the day you hardly heard on cancer and heart disease was the at the forefront. 

Morbid subject so I'll stop posting.  I just wanted to answer your post because I was so angry Ernie passed from pancreatic cancer.  

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 1, 2019 at 10:21pm

Ok,I am sorry,.but I have to say a few words about the cancer “industry”. I will keep it light, but I have decided if I were to ever get cancer, I will have palitive  care only. Bob had 4 months from diagnosis to death...but every day was spent in some fruitless effort to “stop” something that wasn,t going to stop. The first 2 months before it progressed we could have spent time enjoying life, not schleping into a cancer center every day getting false hopes and treatments that never worked. There was a bell at the center that was supposedly rung every time someone was “cured” which I never heard ring. I don,t have a filter on my words, and one day, disgusted at any sign of ANY progress, after so many things tried, or light at the end of the tunnel, I actually said to one of Bobs Drs “you don,t want a cure for cancer! It is a 3 billion $ a year business.” To my SHOCK, the Drs actually got red in the face, and shouted back “Yes we do!” Like little kids in a playground. If I was to be diagnosed with this disease, I would go on a wonderful vacation, with people I love, before it gets least I would have great memories, and know I chose to die on MY terms.

I truly believe that some day people will discover  Cancer is man made, and given to people. Something in our food, or soil, or something is very wrong...when I was a kid, in the 50’s and 60’s  it was VERY rare to know someone who had cancer. What changed? Now they even have GREETING CARDS for cancer! 

I am almost 73, and have maybe 10 good years left...and I think that something  is very very wrong with this world...and we are helpless to stop it. Ok I will get off the soapbox now. Thanks for letting me vent. I wish all of you who had to endure months of false hope some comfort...

yes, I have more to say..on a different subject..about how I feel that even tho our loved ones are gone, I feel they are still here with us...and that belief helps me get through the day...because I KNOW Bob is still here with me...I can feel him all through my day..and I embrace that feeling, and it comforts me...but that is for another day...I have taken up too much posting space.  

I wish all of you a gentle Sunday tomorrow..and remember, LOVE NEVER can,t because love is the essence of the human existence. Goodnight,my friends.

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 1, 2019 at 9:50pm is always nice to hear from you..and anniversary’s are some of  the hardest days to get through. Just when you think you are getting through the pain, a date on the calendar stops you in your tracks, and you remember the heart breaking loss, and your heart breaks all over again. Bob died of cancer, too, Chicago..and I keep mulling it over what a waste of time the first few months were, when he wasn,t that sick...time that could have been spent anywhere other than the cancer center...but if I start ranting about cancer, and my opinion of that medical field, I will never stop. 

i thank God/and the universe, every time I come here..for all of everyone’s  support and caring and understanding...especially from those  people who think we should be “over it”  by now. There is no “over it”..there is just “getting through it”. And, somehow we by day,minute by minute. 

For those here who are new to this pain and loss...the better moments DO come...time is both your friend, and your enemy. 

I wish you all peace and good moments. They will come..I promise.

Comment by Marsha H on June 1, 2019 at 8:47pm

Chicago Beard ...  So good to hear from you.  I know exactly how you feel because I can go through that too when I see something that reminds me of Ernie.

Please try to remember the great memories you had and that one day you'll be joined together again.




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