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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1370
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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele yesterday. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Steve G. on May 30, 2019 at 7:15am

Mary.Jane,

Prayers for you too, stay safe and check in when you can.

We got a lot of rain and thunder where we live, finally gave up listening to the tv, shut it off and listened to radio/music.

Comment by Steve G. on May 30, 2019 at 7:10am

Deborah P,

Prayers for you and your neighbor's that the flood waters will spare you all.  I will echo Marsha, stay safe and please let us know as soon as you can.

Double Hugs

Comment by Marsha H on May 30, 2019 at 7:04am

Deborah P ...  Prayers coming your way from me.  I am so shocked this is happening to you.  I pray that your house and your neighbor's homes are safe.  You stay safe and please keep in contact with us.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on May 30, 2019 at 7:03am

Debbie R ...  Never feel bad for causing someone to tear up because it's good for us.  I just feel bad for the person posting remember how it was with myself and that feeling is never forgotten.

You are in raw grief which is a sneaky little thief which makes us feel confident and that we are finally coming out of our raw grief and without warning it feels like we have slid down the mountain and have to climb up again.  It's very normal and it's not a great journey, but it does get easier in time and I promise that.  Our love for our spouses never goes away, but you will find your own routine, feel life come back once again and a future ahead of you.  That's hard for you to believe right now.  

Strangely enough although honestly I'm sick of finding no one who is freed up to do things with most of the time I have found so much strength I didn't know I had.  In the first year of my grief I felt like you and I just didn't want to wake up and prayed to God I wouldn't, but He had other plans for me.  The second year most of the shock wore off and I still had some good crying sessions, but I was slowly becoming use to the fact that Ernie wasn't coming back and I wanted him to be proud of me so I dove with 2 feet in and since I'm retired I volunteered at a dog shelter as I love dogs.  It helped.  No, for you in raw grief keeping busy will only help the time go by for now, but slowly you will realize you are getting stronger and keeping busy will help you.  You'll find more things to do.  I remember in my second year I was at my brothers and someone said something funny and I laughed and shocked myself!  Do I feel whole right now?  No I don't.  I still have a ways to go yet myself, but I keep on trying.  So hon, for now just rest, cry when you want to and don't let anyone rush you through your grief.  People say things because they truly hope you are feeling better.  No one understands, but those of us on here that have had a spouse pass away and I had to learn that the hard way.

You are not dramatic at all and every single person that has come on Legacy whether for a long while or just joined has gone through what you are going through so when you feel sad put your feelings in your post so we can surround you with much love and hopefully encouragement.  

Did you get my email address?  No pressure at all and I do understand if you're not ready to talk one on one.  

Prayers for you tonight and for all.

Big hug (because you need it)

Marsha

Comment by deborah peck on May 29, 2019 at 11:57pm

Am jumping on here real fast to ask for prayers, as we speak I am packing to move in with my sister as by this time tomorrow night we will have 2 ft of water in our subdivision, praying it doesn't get in the houses, mine sits a little higher so qm hoping for the best,  what really stinks is two days ago I put out new bushes and mulch not knowing it was getting bad again, ughh, I will let you all know what happens when I can get on here again thanks

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 29, 2019 at 9:43am

Yes, we are...thank you for that poem...”IT” never gets better..but WE change...and are able to deal with the loss as best we can...and life moves on, and one day, we realize we are moving along with it.

oh no! ...more thunder storms..and tornado warnings...it is 9:40 am, big storm right now..and I know you are in the same situation..so I am going to stop b4 I loose power. 

Comment by Steve G. on May 29, 2019 at 8:02am

Debbie R,

I believe that we are here for reasons unknown to us, I found this quote helpful in my journey with grief:

“There will always be a reason why you meet people, Either you need them to change your life or you’re the one that will change theirs.”

Angel Flonis Harefa

I have also found an old post of mine from 2015 which I hope will help:

On one of my trips home after Mark’s death, I was out with my family and during our conversations someone asked me “are you better now”… I hesitated and responded yes. Later, when I was alone in my hotel room, the question resonated through my thoughts and I wondered why I said yes when inside I did not really feel as if I was doing any better. It was just my way of not rocking the boat, still trying to blend in as if everything was OK in my life, and not wanting to change the mood at the table.

Months later back in Dallas, I still could not get that question out of my thoughts as it would pop up from time to time. People say time heals all wounds and I still wondered, does it really or do we just move along down our path through this life and become numb to the losses in our lives.

This past month a new member to the online grief counseling group I am still a part of joined and as she was describing her loss of her husband and the remarks that she endured from friends and family members, one of her closest friends told her it was time for her to move forward. This brought back my memory I had pushed aside, I decided to Google grief as I often do and decided to look for poems, I found this one and as I read it, I realized I had indeed given a true and honest answer to my family.
Grief is certainly one path that I wish on no one, I dedicate the following to anyone that has lost a loved one, a family member or friend:


The other day I thought of you
And tears slid down my face
The friend I was with, looked disappointed…
“I thought you doing better” she said
I thought about this and replied…
When someone has died it is okay to hurt
When you hurt it is okay to cry
When you cry it is okay
Doing “well” is honestly expressing true emotions
Wherever and whenever they happen
Grief is the natural response to loss
Crying is a natural response to grief

I am grieving, I am doing well

Comment by Debbie R on May 29, 2019 at 7:21am

and your post brought tears to my eyes as well Marsha.  I'm sorry I made you cry (one of the reasons why I hesitate to post here to be honest.  Bringing back memories of those raw days isn't my intention and making people sad.)

This may sound strange but did you, or any of you out there, feel worse as you approached that one-year period and anticipate the next 12 months?  It's hard to explain but I feel that 1,000 yard stare again and I find myself looking at those couples with a pang of jealousy and it all just doesn't make sense.  I truly felt better 6 months ago; even friends said "You're doing great!"  I don't get it.  I just don't.  As if losing my Tommy wasn't bad enough I have to deal with this roller coaster nonsense that takes up too much space in my head.  It really is getting on my nerves.

I just got back from a Walmart run and again with the couple thing.  Laughing, arm in arm, etc.   ugh.  Like you Marsha, I'm just tired of doing all this stuff by myself and it is truly a lonely place and I see no end in sight.  This is forever is what runs through my head and to be honest, I go to bed at night and pray I don't wake up.  I WILL NOT OFF MYSELF!!  Just want to make that clear but I do ask God to take me home so I can my parents, sister, nephew and, of course, Tommy again.  Then I wake up and say, it's in His  hands and He's not ready for me yet.

Keeping busy doesn't seem to help but I do try.  I'm just tired of the idea of being half a person without my sweetie.

Ok, sorry for the drama but like a lot of you have said, it will get better and I can't wait for the day when I can come on here and post and say "It's not as bad..."

A hug to all of you with a prayer that you all have a decent day and manage at least one smile.

deb

Comment by Marsha H on May 29, 2019 at 6:36am

Debbie R ...  Your post brought tears to my eyes because it reminded me of how I felt in raw grief.  It seems our world just doesn't stop, but becomes so much smaller.  So many things that didn't bother us when our spouses were with us do now.  Like I was telling Sarah even after 8 years after Ernie's death I can still tear up if I see other couples together and all the things Ernie and I did many I have to do alone.  I think of all things that bother me the most is how lonely I feel.  I keep busy as possible, but weekends and long weekends still bother me.  I manage most of the time to plan something with a friend one day out of a weekend, but the long weekends many go away like Ernie and I use to do.  

There are no words I can say to make you believe as each day and year goes by it does get a little easier although we will forever miss our beloved spouses.  I still have some good cries every so often.  Still, I can laugh, make others laugh and try to find out where I fit into this new life of mine.

Hang on my dear friend as you grow stronger by the day even if you don't feel like it and we're all here for you to get you through the tough times.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on May 29, 2019 at 6:30am

Sarah ...  I can sure relate to what you're saying.  It's been 8 years since Ernie passed away and in the earlier stages of grief I absolutely detested the weekends and even more the long weekends.  It seemed as if on purpose couples were all around me holding hands, laughing, planning and I would be in tears so I started to wear my sunglasses.  Also I heard women (even from some of my friends) complaining about their husbands and I had to bite my tongue to remind them how lucky they were.  When flower planting time came Ernie and I had a blast as to what flowers we'd get and now I do it all alone like most things.  I'm not as bad as I use to be crying constantly over all of this, but every so often I tear up.  It still hurts to see families together or people going on trips and I still feel my world has become so small.  I manage to get through this by volunteering at the dog shelter and try my best to keep active as possible, but often that loneliness keeps edging in on me.  

It does get better my dear friend and the tears aren't as often.  One thing I've learned is I'm stronger than I thought and I'm a Pit Bull when it comes to business.  I'm older, wiser so don't bust my chops is my motto.  LOL

Keep your chin up and know you are stronger than you think and happiness will come again for you.

Hugs

Marsha

 

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