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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1371
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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by deborah peck on May 29, 2019 at 11:57pm

Am jumping on here real fast to ask for prayers, as we speak I am packing to move in with my sister as by this time tomorrow night we will have 2 ft of water in our subdivision, praying it doesn't get in the houses, mine sits a little higher so qm hoping for the best,  what really stinks is two days ago I put out new bushes and mulch not knowing it was getting bad again, ughh, I will let you all know what happens when I can get on here again thanks

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 29, 2019 at 9:43am

Yes, we are...thank you for that poem...”IT” never gets better..but WE change...and are able to deal with the loss as best we can...and life moves on, and one day, we realize we are moving along with it.

oh no! ...more thunder storms..and tornado warnings...it is 9:40 am, big storm right now..and I know you are in the same situation..so I am going to stop b4 I loose power. 

Comment by Steve G. on May 29, 2019 at 8:02am

Debbie R,

I believe that we are here for reasons unknown to us, I found this quote helpful in my journey with grief:

“There will always be a reason why you meet people, Either you need them to change your life or you’re the one that will change theirs.”

Angel Flonis Harefa

I have also found an old post of mine from 2015 which I hope will help:

On one of my trips home after Mark’s death, I was out with my family and during our conversations someone asked me “are you better now”… I hesitated and responded yes. Later, when I was alone in my hotel room, the question resonated through my thoughts and I wondered why I said yes when inside I did not really feel as if I was doing any better. It was just my way of not rocking the boat, still trying to blend in as if everything was OK in my life, and not wanting to change the mood at the table.

Months later back in Dallas, I still could not get that question out of my thoughts as it would pop up from time to time. People say time heals all wounds and I still wondered, does it really or do we just move along down our path through this life and become numb to the losses in our lives.

This past month a new member to the online grief counseling group I am still a part of joined and as she was describing her loss of her husband and the remarks that she endured from friends and family members, one of her closest friends told her it was time for her to move forward. This brought back my memory I had pushed aside, I decided to Google grief as I often do and decided to look for poems, I found this one and as I read it, I realized I had indeed given a true and honest answer to my family.
Grief is certainly one path that I wish on no one, I dedicate the following to anyone that has lost a loved one, a family member or friend:


The other day I thought of you
And tears slid down my face
The friend I was with, looked disappointed…
“I thought you doing better” she said
I thought about this and replied…
When someone has died it is okay to hurt
When you hurt it is okay to cry
When you cry it is okay
Doing “well” is honestly expressing true emotions
Wherever and whenever they happen
Grief is the natural response to loss
Crying is a natural response to grief

I am grieving, I am doing well

Comment by Debbie R on May 29, 2019 at 7:21am

and your post brought tears to my eyes as well Marsha.  I'm sorry I made you cry (one of the reasons why I hesitate to post here to be honest.  Bringing back memories of those raw days isn't my intention and making people sad.)

This may sound strange but did you, or any of you out there, feel worse as you approached that one-year period and anticipate the next 12 months?  It's hard to explain but I feel that 1,000 yard stare again and I find myself looking at those couples with a pang of jealousy and it all just doesn't make sense.  I truly felt better 6 months ago; even friends said "You're doing great!"  I don't get it.  I just don't.  As if losing my Tommy wasn't bad enough I have to deal with this roller coaster nonsense that takes up too much space in my head.  It really is getting on my nerves.

I just got back from a Walmart run and again with the couple thing.  Laughing, arm in arm, etc.   ugh.  Like you Marsha, I'm just tired of doing all this stuff by myself and it is truly a lonely place and I see no end in sight.  This is forever is what runs through my head and to be honest, I go to bed at night and pray I don't wake up.  I WILL NOT OFF MYSELF!!  Just want to make that clear but I do ask God to take me home so I can my parents, sister, nephew and, of course, Tommy again.  Then I wake up and say, it's in His  hands and He's not ready for me yet.

Keeping busy doesn't seem to help but I do try.  I'm just tired of the idea of being half a person without my sweetie.

Ok, sorry for the drama but like a lot of you have said, it will get better and I can't wait for the day when I can come on here and post and say "It's not as bad..."

A hug to all of you with a prayer that you all have a decent day and manage at least one smile.

deb

Comment by Marsha H on May 29, 2019 at 6:36am

Debbie R ...  Your post brought tears to my eyes because it reminded me of how I felt in raw grief.  It seems our world just doesn't stop, but becomes so much smaller.  So many things that didn't bother us when our spouses were with us do now.  Like I was telling Sarah even after 8 years after Ernie's death I can still tear up if I see other couples together and all the things Ernie and I did many I have to do alone.  I think of all things that bother me the most is how lonely I feel.  I keep busy as possible, but weekends and long weekends still bother me.  I manage most of the time to plan something with a friend one day out of a weekend, but the long weekends many go away like Ernie and I use to do.  

There are no words I can say to make you believe as each day and year goes by it does get a little easier although we will forever miss our beloved spouses.  I still have some good cries every so often.  Still, I can laugh, make others laugh and try to find out where I fit into this new life of mine.

Hang on my dear friend as you grow stronger by the day even if you don't feel like it and we're all here for you to get you through the tough times.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on May 29, 2019 at 6:30am

Sarah ...  I can sure relate to what you're saying.  It's been 8 years since Ernie passed away and in the earlier stages of grief I absolutely detested the weekends and even more the long weekends.  It seemed as if on purpose couples were all around me holding hands, laughing, planning and I would be in tears so I started to wear my sunglasses.  Also I heard women (even from some of my friends) complaining about their husbands and I had to bite my tongue to remind them how lucky they were.  When flower planting time came Ernie and I had a blast as to what flowers we'd get and now I do it all alone like most things.  I'm not as bad as I use to be crying constantly over all of this, but every so often I tear up.  It still hurts to see families together or people going on trips and I still feel my world has become so small.  I manage to get through this by volunteering at the dog shelter and try my best to keep active as possible, but often that loneliness keeps edging in on me.  

It does get better my dear friend and the tears aren't as often.  One thing I've learned is I'm stronger than I thought and I'm a Pit Bull when it comes to business.  I'm older, wiser so don't bust my chops is my motto.  LOL

Keep your chin up and know you are stronger than you think and happiness will come again for you.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 28, 2019 at 6:51pm

Debbie...I think the person I am now, might have said something to that couple...to gently remind them that what they have is very prescious...and folks tend to loose sight of that in the daily grind of life. But, then again...it might have gone terribly wrong too. 

Thank you you all for your replies to my former posts. So much has happened in the past 2 weeks...I am permanately in a state of STUN. More later. Bye for now

Comment by Debbie R on May 28, 2019 at 6:36pm

Thank you Sara.  It is very early for me and what a journey it's been.  When I woke up this morning I thought to myself "Gee, a year ago today Tommy and I would have been snuggling right now." (5:30 am).  He used to walk over in the early hours and we'd snuggle and chat and then get up and get our day started.  Little did I know that would be my last snuggle ever and boy did that hurt.

The folks I see out and about are the couples.  The ones holding hands or just together.  Last week I was near a couple in the grocery store and the wife says to the husband "Honey I'll be over in the cereal aisle."  I almost broke down in tears.  Nothing is the same anymore.  But the worst is the ones I see fighting and bickering over crap.

Two weeks ago at the garden center I saw a couple going at it like pit bulls over what color geraniums they should buy!  The wife was the worst.  I felt like telling her "Do you have ANY idea what you have standing here in front of you?!??!" but of course I didn't.  I just thought, what a waste.  Not that Tommy and I never argued but the wasted time I see now really makes me sad.  I see this stuff a lot and just shake my head.

I planted dahlias by Tommy's grave on Saturday and then put some by his little sister who is a few plots away.  They were his favorite flower.  He used to take care of Annie's grave so now I'll do it for him.  She was only 32 when she died in 1987.

His mom passed last Monday and his sister called me to tell me.  I feel awful for her.  She and Tommy were very close as was he with his mom. She was a sweet lady.

Sara, thanks again for your sweet words.  This is a bad week.  Here's a hug  0

deb

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 28, 2019 at 3:44pm
Debbie....Yes, I find it so hard to see people out and about doing their thing. The first few months after I lost Ken, I couldn't understand why they would even want to....why did they WANT to walk their dog, WANT to go for a run, WANT to go shopping etc. I couldn't imagine ever wanting to do anything again or even remember why I ever wanted to do anything in the first place. The world simply stopped turning for me but no one else got the memo. It's better now as far as that's concerned but I still have the guilt of living. You're still very early on in your grief journey so don't put too much pressure on yourself. Many people seem to think fairy dust is sprinkled on us at the 1 year mark and "poof", the grief journey has ended. It doesn't work that way. I'll be thinking about you on Friday and we'll all be here to help you through the day.
Comment by Debbie R on May 28, 2019 at 2:55pm

Sara, it was indeed a loooooooong weekend and you took the words right from my mouth.  I should have been celebrating like I did last year with Tommy but I didn't.  Friday will be one year and seeing people out and about together is getting harder by the day, especially on holidays.  And at the garden centers :(

 

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