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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Debbie R on May 29, 2019 at 7:21am

and your post brought tears to my eyes as well Marsha.  I'm sorry I made you cry (one of the reasons why I hesitate to post here to be honest.  Bringing back memories of those raw days isn't my intention and making people sad.)

This may sound strange but did you, or any of you out there, feel worse as you approached that one-year period and anticipate the next 12 months?  It's hard to explain but I feel that 1,000 yard stare again and I find myself looking at those couples with a pang of jealousy and it all just doesn't make sense.  I truly felt better 6 months ago; even friends said "You're doing great!"  I don't get it.  I just don't.  As if losing my Tommy wasn't bad enough I have to deal with this roller coaster nonsense that takes up too much space in my head.  It really is getting on my nerves.

I just got back from a Walmart run and again with the couple thing.  Laughing, arm in arm, etc.   ugh.  Like you Marsha, I'm just tired of doing all this stuff by myself and it is truly a lonely place and I see no end in sight.  This is forever is what runs through my head and to be honest, I go to bed at night and pray I don't wake up.  I WILL NOT OFF MYSELF!!  Just want to make that clear but I do ask God to take me home so I can my parents, sister, nephew and, of course, Tommy again.  Then I wake up and say, it's in His  hands and He's not ready for me yet.

Keeping busy doesn't seem to help but I do try.  I'm just tired of the idea of being half a person without my sweetie.

Ok, sorry for the drama but like a lot of you have said, it will get better and I can't wait for the day when I can come on here and post and say "It's not as bad..."

A hug to all of you with a prayer that you all have a decent day and manage at least one smile.

deb

Comment by Marsha H on May 29, 2019 at 6:36am

Debbie R ...  Your post brought tears to my eyes because it reminded me of how I felt in raw grief.  It seems our world just doesn't stop, but becomes so much smaller.  So many things that didn't bother us when our spouses were with us do now.  Like I was telling Sarah even after 8 years after Ernie's death I can still tear up if I see other couples together and all the things Ernie and I did many I have to do alone.  I think of all things that bother me the most is how lonely I feel.  I keep busy as possible, but weekends and long weekends still bother me.  I manage most of the time to plan something with a friend one day out of a weekend, but the long weekends many go away like Ernie and I use to do.  

There are no words I can say to make you believe as each day and year goes by it does get a little easier although we will forever miss our beloved spouses.  I still have some good cries every so often.  Still, I can laugh, make others laugh and try to find out where I fit into this new life of mine.

Hang on my dear friend as you grow stronger by the day even if you don't feel like it and we're all here for you to get you through the tough times.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on May 29, 2019 at 6:30am

Sarah ...  I can sure relate to what you're saying.  It's been 8 years since Ernie passed away and in the earlier stages of grief I absolutely detested the weekends and even more the long weekends.  It seemed as if on purpose couples were all around me holding hands, laughing, planning and I would be in tears so I started to wear my sunglasses.  Also I heard women (even from some of my friends) complaining about their husbands and I had to bite my tongue to remind them how lucky they were.  When flower planting time came Ernie and I had a blast as to what flowers we'd get and now I do it all alone like most things.  I'm not as bad as I use to be crying constantly over all of this, but every so often I tear up.  It still hurts to see families together or people going on trips and I still feel my world has become so small.  I manage to get through this by volunteering at the dog shelter and try my best to keep active as possible, but often that loneliness keeps edging in on me.  

It does get better my dear friend and the tears aren't as often.  One thing I've learned is I'm stronger than I thought and I'm a Pit Bull when it comes to business.  I'm older, wiser so don't bust my chops is my motto.  LOL

Keep your chin up and know you are stronger than you think and happiness will come again for you.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 28, 2019 at 6:51pm

Debbie...I think the person I am now, might have said something to that couple...to gently remind them that what they have is very prescious...and folks tend to loose sight of that in the daily grind of life. But, then again...it might have gone terribly wrong too. 

Thank you you all for your replies to my former posts. So much has happened in the past 2 weeks...I am permanately in a state of STUN. More later. Bye for now

Comment by Debbie R on May 28, 2019 at 6:36pm

Thank you Sara.  It is very early for me and what a journey it's been.  When I woke up this morning I thought to myself "Gee, a year ago today Tommy and I would have been snuggling right now." (5:30 am).  He used to walk over in the early hours and we'd snuggle and chat and then get up and get our day started.  Little did I know that would be my last snuggle ever and boy did that hurt.

The folks I see out and about are the couples.  The ones holding hands or just together.  Last week I was near a couple in the grocery store and the wife says to the husband "Honey I'll be over in the cereal aisle."  I almost broke down in tears.  Nothing is the same anymore.  But the worst is the ones I see fighting and bickering over crap.

Two weeks ago at the garden center I saw a couple going at it like pit bulls over what color geraniums they should buy!  The wife was the worst.  I felt like telling her "Do you have ANY idea what you have standing here in front of you?!??!" but of course I didn't.  I just thought, what a waste.  Not that Tommy and I never argued but the wasted time I see now really makes me sad.  I see this stuff a lot and just shake my head.

I planted dahlias by Tommy's grave on Saturday and then put some by his little sister who is a few plots away.  They were his favorite flower.  He used to take care of Annie's grave so now I'll do it for him.  She was only 32 when she died in 1987.

His mom passed last Monday and his sister called me to tell me.  I feel awful for her.  She and Tommy were very close as was he with his mom. She was a sweet lady.

Sara, thanks again for your sweet words.  This is a bad week.  Here's a hug  0

deb

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 28, 2019 at 3:44pm
Debbie....Yes, I find it so hard to see people out and about doing their thing. The first few months after I lost Ken, I couldn't understand why they would even want to....why did they WANT to walk their dog, WANT to go for a run, WANT to go shopping etc. I couldn't imagine ever wanting to do anything again or even remember why I ever wanted to do anything in the first place. The world simply stopped turning for me but no one else got the memo. It's better now as far as that's concerned but I still have the guilt of living. You're still very early on in your grief journey so don't put too much pressure on yourself. Many people seem to think fairy dust is sprinkled on us at the 1 year mark and "poof", the grief journey has ended. It doesn't work that way. I'll be thinking about you on Friday and we'll all be here to help you through the day.
Comment by Debbie R on May 28, 2019 at 2:55pm

Sara, it was indeed a loooooooong weekend and you took the words right from my mouth.  I should have been celebrating like I did last year with Tommy but I didn't.  Friday will be one year and seeing people out and about together is getting harder by the day, especially on holidays.  And at the garden centers :(

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 28, 2019 at 2:32pm
30 years ago today I received the greatest gift of my life when I became Ken's wife. This past 3 day weekend was such a long weekend knowing that we would have/should have been celebrating. We likely would have gone away for the weekend. I'm trying to think of today as if it were any other Tuesday but it's not working. It's been 3 years but I still can't believe he's not here.
Comment by Debbie R on May 28, 2019 at 2:18pm

Mary Jane - Following the latest on your weather down there for the past couple of weeks makes me so sad, it's incredible.  I'm so glad you and your kitty are ok but like others said, please see if you can't get someone to help you take her to the vet.  She's relying on you :)  I hope you find all the peace you deserve in California and I'm glad you have family there.  A definite plus when moving.

I hope anyone else living down there is safe and sound and stays that way.  I guess Steve and Chuck are down there?  I don't know since I only started reading here less than a year ago so I'm sort of in the dark.  Deb P, it sounds like you've had your share of horror with the flooding and I hope you and your family are all ok.

Aside from this disastrous weather I hope everyone is hanging in there as best they can.  Keeping you all in my prayers.

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 28, 2019 at 9:23am
Mary Jane...I can't imagine how scary it is with all the tornados and flooding around you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think heavy winds are the scariest part of any storm but tornados are a whole other ballgame. I pray that you and your home remain safe and that your home sells quickly. You'll feel so much better and safer when you're in California with your daughter.
I'll repeat what others have said.....no need to apologize for venting. I don't consider it venting, I think of it as talking to friends as you would it person. There may be some miles between us but we're here to help and share in your life.
Please keep us updated and let us know that you're safe. Same goes for Steve and Chuck as well as anyone else living in that area of the country.

Hugs,
Sara
 

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