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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Latest Conversations: Oct 16

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Universe

Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on August 26, 2019 at 5:53am

Many parts of the U.S. for decades relied on guns.  Try taking a gun from a Texan!  It is part of history.  That's the start of it.  When a person can go into Walmart and buy a semi automatic weapon there is certainly something very wrong with that.  Also fake ID's and under the counter money crossing palms to get whatever guns a certain person wants is rampid.  Also it's to do with the Mexican Border and Drug Cartels and here is a link one should read:  https://themazatlanpost.com/2019/02/21/u-s-government-and-top-mexic...  

Canada has strict gun laws, but not saying that during the night they can't get their hands on semi automatics bought from a seller on any dark street or in an alley.  Our gun laws are very strict and anyone who sells guns and is taking money under the table without proper waiting time has a hefty fine, can lose their business license and do prison time.  Still the crime is beginning to getting worse here as well.  Not as bad as the U.S., but it's getting there.  

Most Canadian families do not have guns in their homes and those that do are rifles for hunting and locked away.  Still, we've have had some drive-by shooting in Vancouver and Surrey to name a few places and getting worse.  There has to be an answer somewhere to stop this, but unfortunately the powerful get the say in this matter.  If one goes back in history the crime rate involving mass shootings started shortly after the Vietnam ware was over.  Even before the Government ordered that security open fire on Burkly  Students.  I feel crime is here to stay unfortunately.

Comment by Marsha H on August 26, 2019 at 5:36am

Dear Jan ...  My condolences on the loss of your husband Ron.  It's such a deep loss, but Legacy is a wonderful place to come and the people on here know exactly what each other feels.  You speak candidly about what you are feeling and many of us have heard it all.  No judgments are made.  We are all very supportive of each other.

My husband Ernie passed April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and he truly was my soul mate.  We knew each other 45 years and we just missed our 40th Wedding Anniversary.  The day he passed in Hospice I came home my girlfriend wanted to stay, but I told her to go home.  I found myelf in a state of shock and wandering aimlessly through the gardens and all of a sudden a Blue Jay (I live in British Columbia, Canada just outside of Vancouver and we don't get a lot of Blue Jays) came swooping down and dropped a beautiful blue feather.  I have had many signs since then.  I honestly believe our loved one comes to check on us every so often.  

This site and the people in it saved my life literally.  I am always so grateful to all of them and some have moved on while some have stayed.  I feel I owe something to help others so every so often I come and post.  I miss everyone here and yes, we are family and now you are part of our family.

Be kind to yourself and grief when you feel like it and cry when you want to.  Eventually your deep grief will ease where you can reinvent who you are and find some peace in life.  We are all here for you.

Hugs (because you need it)

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on August 26, 2019 at 5:23am

My dear family I apologize to all of you and I have not forgotten you.  Please forgive me.  It has been a difficult summer and more unhappy things happening than good days.  My girlfriend of over 40 years lost her husband in April and the odd thing of it all was her husband passed on the same date Ernie did, April 27th.  Her daughter is also fighting cancer as well so she's had a double whammy and I've been out often to visit her so she can gauge and ask questions about grieving, but we always manage a laugh or two.  I think it helps when both friends are widows.  My other friend is still fighting cancer and it's not looking good.  I am trying my best to be there for her as well.  It means a lot to me to see them as much as possible because one never knows.  Always hugs, sometimes tears and sometimes laughter.  Suddenly last week my younger brother (my only sibling) was rushed to hospital with a very leaky appendix and it was touch and go.  He is a high risk diabetic, on Warfarin and has high blood pressure and Sleep Apnea.  It was high risk surgery and thank God he made it, but very sore.  Then my next door neighbor who has been an angel helping me fix things around the house has suddenly become ill.  I am helping his girlfriend and she is helping me do some yard work.  I never knew how difficult it was to replace a burned out light bulb high up in the ceiling and I'm going to have to wait until this young man who helps me out comes on Wednesday to replace that.  Getting old sucks!  LOL  Of course you know I had to put my little 16 year old Tootsie to sleep and I was devastated as most dog owners are.  In six weeks the lady who owns the shelter where I help adopt dogs out every Sunday and instead of charging like she does others she gave me an 8 year old Bichon named 'Lulu.'  Lulu acts like she's 4 years old and smart as a whip; loves to play and honestly smiles a lot.  She is gentle, loves kids, people and so comical.  At first my 13 year old male Cockapoo Booker T was jealous, but now they are fast friends.  Thank heavens for the comfort of pets!  We walk every single day and it's peaceful and fun and sometimes you meet some nice people along the way.

I am just very soul weary these days, but feisty and keep moving ahead.  Bring it on world!

Love you all

Marsha

Comment by Steve G. on August 25, 2019 at 5:17pm

Unfortunately, the countries that do not have the gun violence that we do; have stronger laws in place.

These same countries do have crime, racial injustice, grief and all of the social problems as any other Free society.

Those countries that are governed by dictators, in most cases do not have freedom of choice.

Love can conquer a lot, however, without laws to protect the populace then we are no safer than a small town with no sheriff.

Comment by Diamond on August 24, 2019 at 1:39pm

That is so true about gun control laws....but I think also they have other laws which serve as a "Big Deterrent."  It all goes hand in hand.    It would just be pleasant to live in a loving society.  Which I know is unrealistic at this time.  

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 24, 2019 at 1:28pm

Because in other countries they have gun control.

Comment by Diamond on August 24, 2019 at 1:23pm

Nice reading the post - I also took note of the feedback in regards to the recent shooting - I often wonder why in other countries they do not have the same issues that we have here?   For some countries it is deterrent and others a strong spiritual background.  However, we live in a society where no one wants any rules governing them and definitely not anything spiritual.  I do however, think it is worth noting how some countries do not have to deal with the anxiety of every day massive shooting as we do.  I often contemplate how man is ruling themselves.  What I do know - is that "love" is the answer to solving mankind problem.  Genuine love...loving in the now and being forgiving of mishaps.   We often find ourselves walking on egg shells as what we can and can not say....Love is a beautiful neutralizer for dealing with any grief that comes our way - if only given a chance to share it.....I truly enjoy reading the posts at this site. Thank you for allowing me to post.  

Comment by Diamond on August 24, 2019 at 1:02pm

Encouraging site to receive the comfort needed during a most difficult time.  Thank you!

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 20, 2019 at 11:02am

Dear Jan,

I am so sorry for your loss of Ron, and welcome you to our "family" as I call us. I lost my husband Larry in 2015 to cancer, and was getting more and more lost in grief until I found this site. Much has changed in my life, but the empty place in my heart is permanent. I no longer believe in trying to fill it with something or someone else (actually, I never did), but rather accept it as part of my new anatomy. It is lonely and sometimes aches, and casts back echoes when I ask into that space "Where are you now?"

That said, I feel Larry's presence and receive unexpected signs and reminders in many ways that he somewhere is still watching my struggles and sending his love and strength.

One week from today will be Larry's and my 36th anniversary, celebrated on the day I proposed to him since back in 1983 there was no availability of us getting married.

The first feather Larry sent me came from a clear blue sky on a still sunny day in summer of 2015. I sat outside staring into the woods behind our house telling him that I just hadn't a clue how I was supposed to do this, meaning to go on without him. Tears running down my face, I turned it upward and saw something far above my descending toward me. I watched holding my breath as it floated closer and past my face to land directly at my feet - a perfect blue jay feather, Larry's favorite bird. I didn't have to wonder for a second - I knew it was from Larry as a way to say that I wasn't alone.

I saw more feathers over the weeks of that summer, but began questioning whether they were merely a form of wishful magical thinking on my part until the morning of August 27th. I walked out to the yard on a sunny day and glanced around for a feather, seeing none, I started walking to the driveway to go retrieve the newspaper saying aloud "Happy Anniversary my love, but today couldn't you have sent me a feather of all days?"

As I rounded the corner of the house, something flashed so brightly in the driveway it caught my attention and I froze in place. There, in a beam of strong sunlight, rested the most perfect and largest feather I had ever seen - from a wild turkey, of which there were many in our area. No signs of struggle, no damage at all - just flashing iridescent colors from this beautiful long tail feather right in my path. I have never since that moment doubted the reality of signs being sent to us from our loved ones to convey messages of comfort, encouragement, and of course of their undying love for us.

Jan, I hope the stories and friends you will find here give you some support and comfort as they have me. As Diane C says, we are a nice group of people who accept and understand each other's circumstances without judgement, offering only what help we can give through sharing our stories and experiences.

Wishing you a peaceful day -

Love, Chuck 

Comment by deborah peck on August 20, 2019 at 9:16am

When my Greg passed away or minutes before he did I told him if he was around he would send a blue jay as he said he had never seen one in the wild. Since then Ive caught glimpses of one in my yard but never actually sure if it actually was one. 2 days ago I had a bad day, spent the morning crying and the rest of the day close to tears, I went out to sit on my deck that evening and was fighting tears when there was a lot of noise and squawking from my bird feeders and in flew a big Blue Jay that sat in the tree I planted for Greg and only stayed a minute but I knew with absolute certainty that it was Sent by Greg to let me know it was okay, brought me much peace and I thanked him . miss him every second of every day but I know hes still looking out for me and that brings me peace,

 

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