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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Sara Murphy on January 9, 2020 at 11:51am
Thanks everyone. The guilt of living is not as overwhelming as it once was but there are still days or events that get to me. For instance, I'm going away for a girls weekend next weekend and don't feel guilty about that at all but working Monday doesn't exactly feel right. I think Ken weighed in however because a meeting that was scheduled for today was re-scheduled to Monday. I like to think that's his way of saying it's ok.

Chuck...I totally believe your unseen angels were with you with their calming presence during Steve's surgery and probably many other times. I also fully believe that Larry and Mark worked their magic from beyond to lead you and Steve to each other. There's gonna be a party in heaven once the 4 of you are together (hopefully not for quite a while). I'll think of you when I feel that tickle in my palm on Monday.

Marsha...I love that poem. I may have to print it and add it to my collection of poems that I'll read from time to time for added strength.

Mary Jane...I feel lucky that I can feel Ken around me, some days stronger than others. If I didn't know he was here with me or that we'd be together again, then I'm not sure if I would have made it this far. What helps me a lot is to think of roles being reversed, if I were gone and he were here, I would definitely want him to live. He loved life so I wouldn't be honoring his memory if I didn't live mine. That's the thought I'll keep in mind on Monday.

Todd....I remember we joined at around the same time. I'll be thinking of you as your anniversary approaches. I hope you're doing well.

Love you all
Sara
Comment by Diane C on January 9, 2020 at 11:31am
Beautiful poem Marsha. Certainly from the heart. Thank you for sharing it with us!!

Love you!
Comment by Diane C on January 9, 2020 at 11:30am
Hi Sara,
That is a hard decision to make. It will be 9 years for me in Aug. that Rich passed away. Marsha and I are in the same time frame. I also took off Rich's anniversary dates and his birthday. On these dates, I would reread the journal I kept during the year of his illness from the very beginning of our journey to the very end. After a couple years, I had to put the journal to rest. It was terribly painful to keep putting myself through that. Then a couple years ago I decided not to take the days off work anymore. It went ok, I survived it just fine. As others have said, Ken will always be with you. And he completely understands that you need to move on and live, we can not function if we stand still and stay frozen in time. Good luck to you and just take it one step at a time.

Hugs to you,
Diane
Comment by Mary. Jane on January 9, 2020 at 10:54am

For Chuck or/and Steve..I have a request. Awhile ago, one of you shared an incident from the past, when your DOG saw your loved one after he had passed (it might have been through a patio glass door? ..and barked JOYFULLY with love and excitement..I cannot remember who posted it, or if it was Bella, but to me, that was the most awesome, wonderful affirmation  they are still with us. I have searched a bit...and didn,t see that post..maybe I have everything wrong...but to me, that was the catalyst that affirmed everything I feel...they ARE still with us, and will always be, until we join them. 

Comment by Marsha H on January 9, 2020 at 4:18am

Dear Sara ...  You are doing nothing wrong and, in fact, believe it or not you are trying to make a new life and move on.  You will never leave Ken behind because he is around you and in your heart.  He would be happy you are moving on and can you imagine if you kept feeling so guilty you couldn't move ahead how Ken would feel?  It is 9 years this coming April, Ernie passed away and I have worked hard to try and live my own life as best I can, but he is in my heart; I often will talk to him about my day (of course in the privacy of my home. ) LOL

  Here is a poem I did and I hope it helps.

WHITE LIGHT AND ANGELS

THERE IS A LIGHT THAT BECKONS ME

MY PAIN IS GONE, MY SOUL IS FREE.

ON ANGELS WINGS I SOAR ABOUT,

TO LAND ON FIELDS OF FLOWERS I LOVE.

A GENTLE WIND HAS TOUCHED MY FACE,

TREES BEND THEIR BOUGHS IN ALL THEIR GRACE.

I SENSE YOUR SORROW, FEEL YOUR TEARS,

I WON'T FORGET, YOU'RE ALWAYS NEAR.

DON'T CRY FOR ME BECAUSE I'M GONE,

I LOVE YOU SO, BE STRONG, GO ON.

IN TIME THAT LIGHT WILL BECKON THEE,

YOUR PAIN IS GONE, YOUR SOUL IS FREE.

ON ANGELS WINGS WE'LL SOAR ABOVE,

I'LL CRADLE YOU IN ARMS OF LOVE.

DON'T CRY FOR ME BECAUSE I'M GONE,

WE'LL MEET AGAIN YOU MUST BE STRONG.

BY MARCY MADAY  COPYRIGHT JULY 9, 1998

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 8, 2020 at 2:01pm

No, Sara,I don,t feel guilty about Bobs DOD...which like you, will be 4 years next month. Each previous year,I tried not to think about it..yes, I know that is crummy...but I think this year will be different..Sara..please don,t feel guilty that you are STILL LIVING..non of this was your fault, I think there is a REASON we are meant to continue on without them...and, besides, I KNOW Bob is still with me..it took awhile after I relocated, but he,s here. 

And, it really helped when I had that dream/out of body  experience..because he looked GOOD! And HAPPY! 

You, me, and all of us who were “left behind”  must have a purpose..otherwise we wouldn’t, all still be here. And you WILL see him again...but to quote a poem..we have “miles to go, before we sleep” and get to reunite with our loved ones..but for now..you were meant to LIVE this  life...with Ken still here, just in a different dimension. Maybe we were meant to make a difference...I like to think so...and we can,  as we carry the essence of Bob, Ken,and all our other loved ones with us...

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on January 8, 2020 at 12:19pm

HI Sara,

Yes indeed I very much experience these same feelings. When dates that are so meaningful to Larry and I approach I somehow expect them to have the terrible devastating effect they have had since his passing almost 5 years ago now. When they don't hit me as hard I feel like in some inexplicable way I am being untrue to my love for him. This gets especially complicated for me because I am now finding myself occupied with the day-to-day events large and small of my life together with Steve. Occasionally late at night when I am still up by myself I find myself remembering that some anniversary or other has slipped past, or a tradition was skipped without even thinking of it - then I look at Larry's picture and ask if he understands what I am feeling and forgives me. once or twice leading up to Steve's surgery I have felt especially nervous and frightened, when suddenly something quietly calmed me and I felt like I could breathe again. I know that this was the unseen hands of God, Larry, and Mark all keeping me steady so I can be here ready to take care of Steve. Maybe that sounds a bit out there, but it makes me feel that if things were reversed, and Larry was here with someone to love and care for, I would be doing exactly the same thing for him.

Sara, Ken knows and understands everything now far better than you or I will until we are together once more with our loves. We both have reasons to be here, mostly to do whatever good we can for whoever God puts in our paths. Time may dull our heartaches a bit, and the need to carry out the tasks of living may seem to overshadow our grieving, but we all know here that nothing could or would ever diminish our love for our spouses, and that sharing love with others does not divide our capacity to love, but multiplies it.

I will be thinking of you this weekend and especially on Monday - do you remember the time I said to you years ago that as you sat on your sofa unable to move you were so sad and alone - I said I was there with you holding your hand. Well that little tickle you feel in your palm on Monday will be me.

Love and many hugs my sweet friend,

Chuck 

Comment by Todd B. Goodrich on January 8, 2020 at 12:05pm

Sara, prayers to you dear sister! Four years for me as well this Feb. 14th. You got this! Hugs to ya!

Todd

Comment by Sara Murphy on January 8, 2020 at 11:45am

So Monday will be the 4 year anniversary of Ken's passing.  I can't even believe it's possible that 4 years have passed.  I sill feel like it was yesterday most of the time.   The past 3 years I had taken the 13th off from work but this year, I'm planning to come in.   I can't help but feel guilty about that.  I know that Ken would know my working in no way means I'm over him or any such thing but yet it feels wrong.  I'm trying to not be paralyzed by that day.  Does anyone else deal with these feelings of guilt?  I know life goes on but some things seem more wrong than others.

Comment by Mary. Jane on January 8, 2020 at 10:17am

I echo what everyone has said here...and I know you will be Fine Steve...I have, absolute faith that we all met for a reason here..so we could remind each other that we were knocked down, and were so alone..yet somehow we found this place..and even if we don,t always post replies, I KNOW all of you know we READ all the posts, and our silent prayers reach their intended goal. 

I don,t think I have EVER experienced this in any other aspect of my long life...and no one outside understands how powerful this site is...but I feel that my support and prayers are FELT by each of you, even if I only THINK them.

So, Steve...I know you will be ok...I just hope you aren’t in pain...and your recovery is fast! Luv u guys... 

 

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