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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Steve G. on February 16, 2020 at 8:10am

Yes I did.  As I watched him take his last breath, my mind out of control, pent up grief from family and friends who had passed.  I could not control it, the dam had broken.

As the paramedics and police arrived, I was able to stop long enough to answer endless questions, only to start up again.  It took 4 hours before everyone left.

I had a massive headache and still I continued sobbing.

Shear exhaustion set in as I do not remember falling asleep.  When I woke up I was thirsty and alone, except for our poor Bella.  There she sat staring at me with the most saddest expression I have ever seen.  I got up and took her for a walk, it was dark out side.  The walk helped us both, numbness set in and a surreal feeling that I was in a dream.

The sobbing would come and go, today I still tear up triggered by songs, movies and from reading all my stories I started writing about my life and those around me.  That and this site were my two outlets.

Mary Jane, we each grieve differently, so try not to judge your grief to others, each person comes from a different place in life and different circumstances, which is why we all grieve differently.

Love and hugs

Steve

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 16, 2020 at 12:15am

Chuck, I just returned home, and read the writings of your cousin Mary.Beautiful, but very thought provoking! I don,t think I have ever wondered why we cry..maybe to release emotions so they don,t build up? Thank you for sharing that. 

After I read  it, I tried to remember if I had cried after Bob died..I mean REALLY cried. Sure, I cried a little bit hear and there..but after REALLY thinking, all I can remember is being NUMB. I remember going to visit my brother in 2016, at Christmas after Bob died..he died in winter, 2016...and everyone kept asking me how I was..and I was FINE was my response. And I WAS fine..cuz Imwas inside some weird bubble...

imam curious, did anyone else here, cry like Chucks cousin? 

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 15, 2020 at 5:16pm

Dear Chuck..your sentence about the “stupidest phrases “ made me laugh out loud. Thanks.LOL No, the HOUSE is fine, the immediate location is fine, albeit, in this senior park, everyone is so OLD! No, the people are nice, the park seems safe, and as for moving to a different home, that isn,t an option, EVER..unless the housing market tanks here. The price of homes in th SF Bay Area is STAGGERING. I paid $200 K for a MOBILE HOME! Yes, I bought the nicest one I saw in MONTHS of searching..made in 2004, not the 1970s, which is the norm. The little house I grew up in, a tiny tract home, maybe 970,sq ft is now going for (get this) around  a MILLION $$$!!!! I urge u to check listings. 

No, the problem is, I NEVER GRIEVED FOR BOB. I am only now realizing this.When he died, everything else remained the same..furniture, his personal things, our kitty..everything.Couple that with the fact he would take weekend trips to Reno when we lived in CA, or down to the local casino in OK..and I got,bored, so,I stopped going with him.So it was common for me to,be alone a few days..but I would always hear his car drive in the garage, him come through the kitchen door, and announce “I'm home! Did ja miss me?” When he died, my brain still thought he was on a trip, going to return any minute, like he had done for 48 years. 

It is only NOW I am realizing that this is FINAL..He is really gone, and never returning. When I first arrived, it was almost 2 weeks b4 our stuff got here..it was about THEN, after we started unpacking, that I started being afraid of everything, the house was WRONG..it wasn’t HOME, even tho I had purchase this because the room layout was very much the same, just smaller ..if felt.like our stuff was in the wrong place..and somehow, I had lost all the strength I had previously had! Probably cuz they cut my MEDS by 1/3 here, and I was constantly in pain. (It got better, I adjusted) but it was the principal. I also LOST MY MEMORY!!   Yup it is only now starting to get better.  And, like an idiot, I set up this house as close to our former house as I could..bedroom the same, living room the same..but it didn,t help..Bob didn’t come back..I am NOW realizing he couldn,t because he had DIED!!!  REALLY DIED. He is NOT away for the weekend, he is GONE. After 4 years, I am finally realizing this. I looked it up, it is called DELAYED GRIEF..and is normal.So now, I HAAVE to mourn and accept his death..this new life will never be glitter and unicorns, but it is up to me, to put on my BIG GIRL pants, and deal with it. So, I have been crying a lot, and SCREAMING at him for dying and leaving me ALONE! IDON,T DRIVE, so I am still dependent on others for help..

however, I HAVE been doing some good things here at the park..I will tell y’all about later..have to leave In 1 hour, shopping and dinner out..and this beautiful face doesn’t just happen! LOL Thank you, Revlon, and Ru Paul for beauty advice.

And, Chuck, and all of you..I might be feeling sorry for myself, but I HVE to grief, to get past this..but I know it will happen..but I am so greatfuli have HERE and YOU to help me.

Bye for now

MJ

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 15, 2020 at 12:21pm

Dear Mary Jane,

I had to reply to what you said about your feelings in your new home - I know exactly how you feel, because moving from New Jersey to Texas was such a tremendous change in every way possible for me. About 4 months in I wrote to an old friend that it had been a terrible mistake, that I would NEVER be happy or content here, and I felt trapped, cornered, and imprisoned...nothing about Steve, just Texas.

My friend, you had such a turbulent time packing, sorting, moving body and soul all while dealing with your health and grief that, like me, I doubt your innermost feelings had much time or room to surface. they are now taking full advantage of the opportunity. For us, no place will be the home we had, nor the future we planned with Bob & Larry. This is most definitely not where I ever expected to live. That said, I reflect on how I felt in the first months after losing Larry. People were already asking where I would go, what I would do. My reply was usually that I had no clue while inwardly thinking that those were the stupidest questions I had ever been asked in my life. All I knew was that for whatever reason, I was still here, and what comes next isn't in my control at all - I just asked that I be put where I was supposed to be and shown what I was supposed to do, and not by well-meaning friends or relatives - by God.

Mary Jane, maybe something or someone will enter your world from unexpected places and give you a sense of home - or not. Maybe 1 year from now you'll get an offer on your home and bolt like a frightened rabbit to someplace different - still near your daughter of course.  But I know in my heart that the love of people and of life you share here will draw those around you who will give you direction, purpose, and peace. Try to remain open, and when some new thing appears in your path, listen to your heart. It is there where Bob will nudge you in the right direction, as you would for him were things reversed.

Big hugs and all my love dear friend - courage!!!

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 15, 2020 at 12:04pm

Part 2 of Mary's piece from Chuck

When we got home, we tried to wake him up. We brought him outside in the wheelchair for some fresh air. He was awake and alert, but not fully himself. And his voice sounded funny. I didn’t cry again until that night when he was sleeping. It was dark and he was in the hospital bed in the living room. I came downstairs to sit next to his bed for a while. It suddenly dawned on me that he was probably never going to come back upstairs to our bedroom again. Again, I sobbed uncontrollably.

Two days later, he stopped breathing, and I don’t think I cried even once that day. I think I was too exhausted to cry. I was also relieved that he wasn’t suffering anymore. I did cry some over the next few days mostly when I saw someone else cry. But these were not outbursts. During his funeral, I read a speech that I had written, and I only started to get a lump in my throat and tear up a little at the last paragraph. But I finished reading the whole thing.

About a week after the funeral, I went to Dad’s apartment to try to clear out some of his personal possessions. I was talking with Kerry, the head nurse there. She knew that Tuan had been sick and she asked me how he was. I told her he passed away about two weeks ago. All of a sudden, without warning, I started crying again. I didn’t stop til after I got outside to my car.

Over the past few months I have cried at times when I am in bed at night. Also sometimes when I’m driving in my car. Also when I’m watching tv or at the movies. One time, I cried uncontrollably at church when I was trying to read a passage from the Bible out loud. I was standing in front of everybody when it happened. It was rather awkward. But I think people understood.

I suppose things like that are bound to happen from time to time in the future. And that’s okay too. Sometimes I like to think about what it will be like in Heaven. No more crying there. What will we do with our emotions? Sing, dance, and laugh, I guess.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 15, 2020 at 12:03pm

Hello everyone,

This is the piece my cousin Mary wrote after losing her husband Tuan last September. Less than a week before her father, my Uncle John, passed, so she and all her family were dealt quite a blow. Mary allowed me to share this with you - I think like us she finds comfort in writing about her feelings. She has also told me of possible plans for the future, although wisely she is making no fast decisions or commitments right away. 


December 11, 2019

I want to write something about crying. Why do people cry? There could be many reasons. Sadness, pain, loneliness, fear, etc. . . Pain can be physical or emotional pain. I might cry when I’m frustrated, confused, or exhausted. Everybody cries sometimes, although adults often try to hide it. As if they’re embarrassed or something. Sometimes we cry when we are filled with joy, or overwhelmed with emotion in a good way. Babies cry a lot. When they’re hungry, tired, bored, too cold or too hot, or sick. One thing is for sure —- everybody does it —- at least sometimes. I often cry when I see somebody else cry. I think they call that empathy. Even Jesus cried when Lazarus died. Actually, I think he didn’t cry until he got to the place where all the people were mourning.

Crying is something that you can’t control easily. At least I can’t control it. I can’t make myself cry, and I can’t make myself stop crying once I’ve started. Laughing is the same way for me. I think when God made us, he wired us with all kinds of complex emotions, some of them very powerful. And he knew that sometimes we would need some kind of way to release them. It’s a human thing. And it’s somewhat involuntary.

It has been three months since my husband and my father died. When Dad died, I didn’t cry when I got the news. I was fine until the day of the funeral. When we were all inside the church, we had to line up in the back and walk up to the front to sit down. I heard the organ music play, and all of a sudden I started to cry uncontrollably. I was crying while I was walking down the aisle to my seat. Gradually, I calmed down for the service. I was sitting next to Tara, and she is one of those people who cries easily. And seeing her cry makes me cry. I think I was feeling a combination of sadness about my father’s death and my husband’s near death. Tuan was not at the funeral. He stayed home with Richard so I could go to the funeral. His condition had been declining rapidly over the past couple of days, and so I wasn’t sure if I should even leave him to go to Dad’s funeral. But I decided to go. It was only for a few hours, and when I got home, Richard said Tuan had been sleeping all morning. I guess it was because we had given him some Ativan for restlessness the night before.

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 15, 2020 at 9:52am

Oh Marsha...I am so sorry yesterday was hard for you, as well as Everyone else here, beside myself..to whom it was just another day. I used to get a bit peeved when Bob either blew it off, saying he didn,t need to give me flowers, etc, as I should KNOW he loved me, without trite gifts,  or gave me flowers a day or two BEFORE VD day..but now I am a bit grateful for his actions. And, he did that the last 10 years b4 his death..probably cuz I would lie, and  him it was no big deal..  he would say “you know I love you, and shouldn’t, need a day dictated by the greeting card company, to force him to show how much” *

*translation: “oh crap, I forgot, I hope she will buy this excuse” and in his defense, he would bring me flowers during the year for no reason at all..so it worked out.

Comment by Marsha H on February 15, 2020 at 6:39am

I hope this makes my angels on here feel a little better.  On Friday I was out and about keeping one appointment and shopping and I know many of the people who work in my town.  I was amazed at how many people were alone for Valentine's Day; some had no one, other's their boyfriend or husband had to work.  It was quiet for Valentine's Day.  I didn't make me feel quite so bad.  I hope all of you got through Valentine's with less pain and more peace.

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on February 15, 2020 at 6:35am

My Dear Chuck ...  You had me in tears and steamed up my sunglasses, but also made me laugh!  I'll tell you a secret, I love the more glamor of Hollywood as well when they really knew how to make movies.

You have no idea how much I look forward to your posts as they often bring a smile to my face or a good chuckle.  You too have helped me many times as has Steve.  I am lucky to have adopted 2 wonderful brothers. 

I was laughing so hard about you not putting the correct date down for Steve's appointment because I had a hairdressing appointment and on the calendar I had it was 2 PM on the Thursday, but luckily I had put the date in my Day Book and thankfully it was on the Friday.  We aren't losing our minds; we just have to much on our minds.  At least that's what I keep telling myself.  LOL

You brought me to tears with your wonderful comments when I needed them the most.  The last two weeks have not been kind to me.  My halo is tarnished and as far as a Queen all I have to say about that is 'Royal Flush!'  LOL  I try my best.

I love you too my dear brother,  I'll get an email off to you soon and some photos.  I'll wear a bag over my head with my name written on it.  LOL

Hugs & much Love

Marsha

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 14, 2020 at 9:20pm

I hope this day was an easy one for all of you. Sometimes, when days are difficult, a phrase pops into my head: “AND THIS TOO, SHALL PASS” ..and it does..eventually. Last night was wonderful..having you all posting was like a reunion of sorts, and I thank you all from deep in my heart. It was old friends meeting again. I hope it will stay that way, and we can keep a level of communication here. 

I have been having a VERY hard time since I moved here 7 months ago..with an almost HATRED of everything in this new life, except being near my daughter..The house, location, the HUGE changes in 15 years since I moved..but I digress..and  I will post more tomorrow, as I would like your thoughts on something I fear is causing these emotions..for now, Have a wonderful evening, my friends. 

 

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