Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: yesterday
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31.
Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019.
Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019.
Ohhhh, let me assure you, I have NO INTENTION of staying on that Facebook page..in fact, something very creepy just occurred there..a post I made from the ONE other time I joined the Legacy grief site on Facebook,May 2018, popped up! Where the hell did they get THIS photo! It was a pic of a paragraph. After 2 years, they connected me? Ironically, I was going to suggest this board, then LEAVE...after my nap today. LOL
Now, I will do it sooner. Thanks for the reminder of why I WAS NOT on their grief site since a few days in 2018.
And, it is AWESOME to see my friends here posting again.Sorry I stirred up such a bru ha ha.
Tomorrow is the day for so many of us that can feel like walking through a mine field. Larry and I did observe Valentine's Day with cards, flowers, candy - and for many years going out to dinner. That last part became going to lunch, then finally skipping the public thing altogether. I finally decided that I had had one too many lovely meals ruined by someone at another table very obviously expressing their disapproval, or even outright disgust, at sharing this day celebrating love with a gay couple.
In 2016 I faced another first in the long line of firsts surrounding holidays, birthdays, etc. without Larry. It was sometime in January that I was shopping in Walmart early in the morning trying to avoid crowds dur to my slow pace and use of a cane. I was getting slightly less uncomfortable shopping alone, although there were still many times that seeing Larry's favorite jam of variety of crackers on the shelf continued to jolt me into either tears or stunned immobility.
This day I rounded a corner and was faced with a seemingly miles long aisle of Valentine's merchandise. Cards, heart-shaped boxes, and red stuffed animals waited as if to ambush me - and they did just that. Once I could breathe again, I stood frozen for a second then did something that still surprises me - I looked up to the ceiling and bellowed loudly "Really God???!!! Are you f-----g kidding me???!!! I just survived Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and even my birthday, and now THIS???!!!"
It is good that there were no shoppers nearby, although someone stocking shelves a few aisles over did stare , and looking frightened rushed up to the front, probably to get security or the manager. I left the cart half-full where it was and made my way out of the store, barely reaching the car before crying uncontrollably. Somehow I made the drive home.
I share this because somewhere in our family there may be members for whom this Valentine's Day will be a terribly difficult and lonely time, possibly for the first time. Whether we went big with gifts and all the trappings, or practically ignored it, we are still all bombarded from all sides with the unavoidable reminder that while everyone else is being pushed to remember the day with flowers and diamonds, we are alone without the one person that made the day mean anything to us. This is now my 5th Valentine's Day, and I don't rage, or even resent the media blitz anymore. I do remember the times Larry and I celebrated, even the ones that were made uncomfortable for us, with terrific gratitude for having had a love like ours despite all the obstacles and deniers we encountered over the 32 beautiful years we were given. My bitterness seems to have given way to a quiet resigned longing for the remembered laughter and love.
Happy Valentine's Day Larry - 1-4-3
Peace and hugs to all,
I want to say that I haven't posted in some time. I read every comment sent to me via email and it's been a selfish comfort to know I am not alone in my loss. The only way I can describe this grief is with the example of a slow leak of daily pain/sadness while everyone else is back to their lives. I don't post on fB with the exception of a piece of created art; nothing personal. I am grateful for this site, but now I ran out words...peace.
Hi Mary Jane,
I was planning to post today about Valentine's Dat, but I want to add my 2 cents to this Facebook discussion. Please understand that I acknowledge this is coming from an old-school, 66 year old paranoid technophobe who has always had suspicions/apprehensions of government spying, manipulation, and its use of "newspeak" . That being said, I do not mean offence to anyone nor do I expect agreement with my feelings - they are mine and mine alone.
When I joined Legacy it was because I was so incredibly lost, confused, and unbearably alone that my best friend insisted I seek an outlet with others going through my same loss before I went mad. I have never before belonged to an online group, chat room, or Facebook - nor did I want to. That has not changed. I found here a small safe community of understanding, accepting, and limitlessly supportive souls who not only saved my sanity, but most likely my very life. My feelings about everyone here have not changed in that respect either. I would be very sorry to see this peter-out from lack of postings, but I will not join Facebook just to continue posting about my journey or to help others with theirs. Of course there are privacy issues on Facebook - that is common knowledge - it's a business! It exists to make money by mining data from members and sharing/selling that information to sources looking to target individuals for marketing/political manipulation, or to gather even more personal data for their own purposes. Sorry, but I will take a polite pass on that.
One kind loving word here means more to me than 100 shallow comments or 1000 "likes". I don't need attention from multitudes whose purposes I sometimes suspect are more about boosting their own egos or self images than about honestly connecting with other people. Nobody needs to know what I had for lunch yesterday, nor should they care.
So. apologies for the ravings of an old man who mourns the decline of genuine one-to-one communication in the world. I was raised by two sincere people who showed their compassionate natures daily through their direct interactions in the world, and I try to follow their example. That I do that here online is only a testament to the humanity of the friends I have found here, because typing out my feelings on a keyboard is not my first choice for expressing myself. Others feel differently, and so I say go where you need to and hopefully you will find support, acceptance, and sincerety. I will be here as long as there is a "here" for us.
With the future looming over us all, I do not post on FB as I do not trust what people are posting (mostly political) or where they are and what they are eating. Of course I am referring to the Main FB site.
I post on a blog I started years ago, called "All the people in my life". I have not added anything in over a year, and yet daily FB is telling me how to increase viewership and how much it will cost.
I did it once and got a lot of viewers, but very little feed back. I do have a number of people I do not know that check in looking for more stories. It was my form of therapy, and with no limits on words and length of the story I find it helpful, telling my life story involving those closest to me.
I am still not convinced that Legacy on FB is an venue I would consider. My regular FB account has been hacked more than once and is a pain in the you no where to sort it out and contacting FB is a pain as well. I just keep it now to see what my cousins are doing and once in a while I post from a site called "The Power of Positivity".
Any way Hi to everyone and wishing each of you peace, love and Hugs.
Mary Jane, Thanks very much for your explanation. I don’t post very often but enjoy this site and the fact that it’s private however think I’ll check out the FB site to see what it’s looking like. Take care. Hugs, Deb
Hi DEB! I am ok, hope you are too.
This site, Legacyconnect has a Facebook page. They started it about a year or so ago...the link is on THIS page the big F to your right. I have been lurking and posting there, as this site was so empty..i kind of wandered over there, and started posting. I am STUNNED at how many people join each day,,,had no idea how much loss, daily was in this world. There are NOT the deep conversations we have here, but sot of an instant gratification..but Facebook isn,t as private as this is..which seems a bit risky..but it is easier to navigate. Check it out! I plan to give THIS SITE a huge plug, for those who are seeking a deeper sense of support. again, i am a bit saddened at the lack of posting here..but I know it will change. we have something special here, that cannot be fond on a Facebook site, but FB has been interesting for instant responses, and a larger audience for posts.
Let me know what you think f you DO join and post over there. again, they do NOT maintain the same privacy there, as here, and even the moderators there, which are actually from HERE, (LOL) warn there can be privacy breaches on their FB group.
Bye for now
Hi Mary Jane, I’m here and hoping you and everyone else is doing well. Wondering what is the Facebook site that you go to?
Peace and love to all,
This is a "test" post, to see if anyone is out there. Wow, I don't want this site to TANK...I have been lurking and posting on the Facebook site...OMG, there are SOO MANY people posting there..I had no idea there was so much LOSS! It didn't seem as bad as when I went there right after they started it..but I have seen several posts that mirrored my feelings, this was "not what they were seeking" s I might post there, and suggest THIS site for something a bit deeper. We need to keep this place going...the friendships I have forged here are special..and I would like others to experience that. ok, bye for now...lets not let this fade away..if I DO suggest it to NEWBIES, it would be awesome if we could all jump in and give the support WE all recieved when we came here.
hope all is well with everyone. Bye for now
Dear Deborah P.
I know how you feel and even after almost 9 years of Ernie's passing he is always in my heart, but as time went on the initial pain of losing him was less. I as well have never forgotten the last days with my beloved Ernie, but know my friend, that Greg and Ernie are in a good place. To keep myself from falling apart I always tell myself this, 'I'm carrying the torch forward for you Ernie and no one will ever forget you were here with your kind heart leaving many memories for us to enjoy.' Sometimes I get angry because those loved ones that have passed are in a better place and we are left behind. I agree we are left behind to make a difference. It may be just a small difference, but we do touch other's hearts. With each person we meet we leave an imprint on them. I know no words can take your pain away right now, but things honestly do get better in time. It's OK to cry every so often and I still do.
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