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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on February 18, 2020 at 1:35am

Oh, I am so very sorry,Marsha. Please forgive me for not responding sooner..last night, and today, which is a holiday..my entire plumbing system is totally backed  up..washer and toilets backing up to kitchen sink and showers..plus, I lost one of my credit cards. So I will post again b4 the plumber gets here. It’s really a mess. But I know exactly how you felt, when Ernie died..so very helpless, but smiling and “staying strong”.

Sara. awesome that u r here too..bye for now all.

Back,later.

Comment by Marsha H on February 17, 2020 at 4:26pm

The woman in me gave me strength, the child in me made me cry.  *In each adult there is a child waiting to come out.'

When Ernie was home and fighting pancreatic cancer he grew so thin and the fear in his eyes made me hold him tighter, but the woman in me kicked in and I would encourage him telling him we'd beat this, but inwardly knew this was not true.  He was so use to me 'fixing things' as far as when he got sick or he had problems at work with one of his crew.  I fought as hard as I could and I'd hug him, but yes, at times the frustrations of not being able to cry when I wanted to caught up to me and I will be honest in saying I could get angry at him for a short time and that bothers me to this day.  Now I know it was the shield put up to give him  my strength and a feeling he still had control over his life.  After Ernie went to bed I would have 'shower cries' so he wouldn't hear me.  I tried so hard to keep to the normal routine as he grew weaker and then into hospital he went.  I went up twice a day for weeks to see him and cuddle him (sometimes laying beside him in the hospital bed) as he kept asking me to bring him home.  I was trying to get nursing care and a hospital bed for him to come home, but unfortunately it wasn't to be.  He was moved to Hospice and I was there to be sure he knew where he was.  My love was dying and he didn't want me to see him pass away and I wish I could change that as well, but when I insisted on staying he grew angry and I didn't want to upset him.  I asked if I could come back the next morning and stay overnight and he agreed to that.  When I got home I sat on the sofa crying and just knew he wasn't long for this world and sat up all night and sure enough at 6 AM the nurse phoned me telling me to get there ASAP as he was dying.  I was in shock and my girlfriend drove me there, but by the time I got there he had passed away.  I sat beside him holding his hand and I thought any minute his eyes would open and he'd smile at me.  I could feel him growing cold and once again had one last lay down with him on the bed cuddling him and telling him I loved him and always would.  From that point on I don't remember much and it took me just over a year to realize he would never come up the driveway of our home nor was he away with a friend on a fishing trip.  That's when the crying began.

Thanks for listening my angels. 

Marsha 

Comment by Todd B. Goodrich on February 17, 2020 at 4:14pm

Marsha - hugs to you

Sara - more hugs for you

I did make it through! It was a lovely wedding and reception.

I was fortunate that everything was in a language that I barely speak! lol

Chin up friends! Sending love and strength your way!

 - Todd

Comment by Marsha H on February 17, 2020 at 4:06pm

Odd that the subject has come to 'crying.'  I've had a week of crying off and on.  It started Thursday when I was at Bible Study and the people there are a nice group.  When the end of it came I just jumped up and said I had to go.  They were concerned and asked if I was OK, but, of course I just smiled and said it had been a bad week and who hasn't had those.  I couldn't get to my car fast enough and bawled all the way home and then really let it fly when I did get home.  It's been an on/off crying session so far.  Loneliness is the number one trigger I believe.  I can be very active and suddenly I feel like a ghost wherever I go.

Crying is a necessity because it let's go of all the pent up feelings we've controlled throughout a given day or week.  It calms our body down; relaxes muscles and makes us tired so we can sleep better.  If we didn't cry I'm sure we would go batty.  Back in the day if men cried it was considered a weakness and thankfully for quite some time now men can cry openly and they should be able to.  I have never trusted a man who never cried.  Holding all those pent up feelings is not healthy.  Oh yes, crying also clears the eyes out so if you have a bug hiding in there out it comes!  LOL

Love you all

Marsha

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 16, 2020 at 7:47pm

Hi everyone....I'm reading the posts about the FB site and now it makes sense.  I had forgotten about that site and began wondering why there are very few, if any new members lately.  I much prefer our smaller group knowing our posts are private.

I managed to get through Valentine's Day by just thinking of it like any other Friday.  It was easy most of the day since I was at work and once home, I stayed off of Facebook so I didn't have to see couples posting.  It was also helpful that Ken and I didn't live by the calendar so Valentine's Day wasn't a big day for us.  That being said, it still hurts as you all know. 

Todd.....I was thinking of you this weekend as I knew it was the anniversary of Claudia's passing.  I'm sorry you had to go to a wedding on that day.  That couldn't have been easy at all.  I hope your friends were there to get you through.

Love you all,

Sara

Comment by Steve G. on February 16, 2020 at 8:10am

Yes I did.  As I watched him take his last breath, my mind out of control, pent up grief from family and friends who had passed.  I could not control it, the dam had broken.

As the paramedics and police arrived, I was able to stop long enough to answer endless questions, only to start up again.  It took 4 hours before everyone left.

I had a massive headache and still I continued sobbing.

Shear exhaustion set in as I do not remember falling asleep.  When I woke up I was thirsty and alone, except for our poor Bella.  There she sat staring at me with the most saddest expression I have ever seen.  I got up and took her for a walk, it was dark out side.  The walk helped us both, numbness set in and a surreal feeling that I was in a dream.

The sobbing would come and go, today I still tear up triggered by songs, movies and from reading all my stories I started writing about my life and those around me.  That and this site were my two outlets.

Mary Jane, we each grieve differently, so try not to judge your grief to others, each person comes from a different place in life and different circumstances, which is why we all grieve differently.

Love and hugs

Steve

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 16, 2020 at 12:15am

Chuck, I just returned home, and read the writings of your cousin Mary.Beautiful, but very thought provoking! I don,t think I have ever wondered why we cry..maybe to release emotions so they don,t build up? Thank you for sharing that. 

After I read  it, I tried to remember if I had cried after Bob died..I mean REALLY cried. Sure, I cried a little bit hear and there..but after REALLY thinking, all I can remember is being NUMB. I remember going to visit my brother in 2016, at Christmas after Bob died..he died in winter, 2016...and everyone kept asking me how I was..and I was FINE was my response. And I WAS fine..cuz Imwas inside some weird bubble...

imam curious, did anyone else here, cry like Chucks cousin? 

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 15, 2020 at 5:16pm

Dear Chuck..your sentence about the “stupidest phrases “ made me laugh out loud. Thanks.LOL No, the HOUSE is fine, the immediate location is fine, albeit, in this senior park, everyone is so OLD! No, the people are nice, the park seems safe, and as for moving to a different home, that isn,t an option, EVER..unless the housing market tanks here. The price of homes in th SF Bay Area is STAGGERING. I paid $200 K for a MOBILE HOME! Yes, I bought the nicest one I saw in MONTHS of searching..made in 2004, not the 1970s, which is the norm. The little house I grew up in, a tiny tract home, maybe 970,sq ft is now going for (get this) around  a MILLION $$$!!!! I urge u to check listings. 

No, the problem is, I NEVER GRIEVED FOR BOB. I am only now realizing this.When he died, everything else remained the same..furniture, his personal things, our kitty..everything.Couple that with the fact he would take weekend trips to Reno when we lived in CA, or down to the local casino in OK..and I got,bored, so,I stopped going with him.So it was common for me to,be alone a few days..but I would always hear his car drive in the garage, him come through the kitchen door, and announce “I'm home! Did ja miss me?” When he died, my brain still thought he was on a trip, going to return any minute, like he had done for 48 years. 

It is only NOW I am realizing that this is FINAL..He is really gone, and never returning. When I first arrived, it was almost 2 weeks b4 our stuff got here..it was about THEN, after we started unpacking, that I started being afraid of everything, the house was WRONG..it wasn’t HOME, even tho I had purchase this because the room layout was very much the same, just smaller ..if felt.like our stuff was in the wrong place..and somehow, I had lost all the strength I had previously had! Probably cuz they cut my MEDS by 1/3 here, and I was constantly in pain. (It got better, I adjusted) but it was the principal. I also LOST MY MEMORY!!   Yup it is only now starting to get better.  And, like an idiot, I set up this house as close to our former house as I could..bedroom the same, living room the same..but it didn,t help..Bob didn’t come back..I am NOW realizing he couldn,t because he had DIED!!!  REALLY DIED. He is NOT away for the weekend, he is GONE. After 4 years, I am finally realizing this. I looked it up, it is called DELAYED GRIEF..and is normal.So now, I HAAVE to mourn and accept his death..this new life will never be glitter and unicorns, but it is up to me, to put on my BIG GIRL pants, and deal with it. So, I have been crying a lot, and SCREAMING at him for dying and leaving me ALONE! IDON,T DRIVE, so I am still dependent on others for help..

however, I HAVE been doing some good things here at the park..I will tell y’all about later..have to leave In 1 hour, shopping and dinner out..and this beautiful face doesn’t just happen! LOL Thank you, Revlon, and Ru Paul for beauty advice.

And, Chuck, and all of you..I might be feeling sorry for myself, but I HVE to grief, to get past this..but I know it will happen..but I am so greatfuli have HERE and YOU to help me.

Bye for now

MJ

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 15, 2020 at 12:21pm

Dear Mary Jane,

I had to reply to what you said about your feelings in your new home - I know exactly how you feel, because moving from New Jersey to Texas was such a tremendous change in every way possible for me. About 4 months in I wrote to an old friend that it had been a terrible mistake, that I would NEVER be happy or content here, and I felt trapped, cornered, and imprisoned...nothing about Steve, just Texas.

My friend, you had such a turbulent time packing, sorting, moving body and soul all while dealing with your health and grief that, like me, I doubt your innermost feelings had much time or room to surface. they are now taking full advantage of the opportunity. For us, no place will be the home we had, nor the future we planned with Bob & Larry. This is most definitely not where I ever expected to live. That said, I reflect on how I felt in the first months after losing Larry. People were already asking where I would go, what I would do. My reply was usually that I had no clue while inwardly thinking that those were the stupidest questions I had ever been asked in my life. All I knew was that for whatever reason, I was still here, and what comes next isn't in my control at all - I just asked that I be put where I was supposed to be and shown what I was supposed to do, and not by well-meaning friends or relatives - by God.

Mary Jane, maybe something or someone will enter your world from unexpected places and give you a sense of home - or not. Maybe 1 year from now you'll get an offer on your home and bolt like a frightened rabbit to someplace different - still near your daughter of course.  But I know in my heart that the love of people and of life you share here will draw those around you who will give you direction, purpose, and peace. Try to remain open, and when some new thing appears in your path, listen to your heart. It is there where Bob will nudge you in the right direction, as you would for him were things reversed.

Big hugs and all my love dear friend - courage!!!

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 15, 2020 at 12:04pm

Part 2 of Mary's piece from Chuck

When we got home, we tried to wake him up. We brought him outside in the wheelchair for some fresh air. He was awake and alert, but not fully himself. And his voice sounded funny. I didn’t cry again until that night when he was sleeping. It was dark and he was in the hospital bed in the living room. I came downstairs to sit next to his bed for a while. It suddenly dawned on me that he was probably never going to come back upstairs to our bedroom again. Again, I sobbed uncontrollably.

Two days later, he stopped breathing, and I don’t think I cried even once that day. I think I was too exhausted to cry. I was also relieved that he wasn’t suffering anymore. I did cry some over the next few days mostly when I saw someone else cry. But these were not outbursts. During his funeral, I read a speech that I had written, and I only started to get a lump in my throat and tear up a little at the last paragraph. But I finished reading the whole thing.

About a week after the funeral, I went to Dad’s apartment to try to clear out some of his personal possessions. I was talking with Kerry, the head nurse there. She knew that Tuan had been sick and she asked me how he was. I told her he passed away about two weeks ago. All of a sudden, without warning, I started crying again. I didn’t stop til after I got outside to my car.

Over the past few months I have cried at times when I am in bed at night. Also sometimes when I’m driving in my car. Also when I’m watching tv or at the movies. One time, I cried uncontrollably at church when I was trying to read a passage from the Bible out loud. I was standing in front of everybody when it happened. It was rather awkward. But I think people understood.

I suppose things like that are bound to happen from time to time in the future. And that’s okay too. Sometimes I like to think about what it will be like in Heaven. No more crying there. What will we do with our emotions? Sing, dance, and laugh, I guess.

 

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