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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1374
Latest Conversations: 2 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on Friday

Well, Mary Jane deserves a gigantic hug for getting us all together again - seeing posts from people I have been thinking of makes me feel again like my family here is in ways more "real" than my relatives, and you certainly all understand me much better.

DJ, the "1-4-3" became a code that Larry and I used for saying "I Love You" when we were around other people or in public where we didn't want to deal with bad reactions to our love for each other. I don't really think there was any doubt in anyone's minds that we were a couple because of the way we interacted, but sometimes the feeling around us was that they were OK so long as we weren't too open about it. It was kind of a weird tightrope we walked sometimes, especially at big events like weddings. Once I asked him to dance and he just stared at me like I was crazy!

Which brings me to Todd - I am sending you special vibes of strength and calm for this most difficult couple of days. Claudia will be right with you as you go through this I am sure, and we all here hold you in our hearts as well. 

I will later today share something my cousin wrote about losing her husband last Sept - she has given me permission to post it, and although she doesn't seem to want to join anyplace, her journey is so familiar to us all that I am trying to do for her what we all do for each other here every day - give understanding, support, and most of all love. 

Until later wishing us all peace today - 

Love,

Chuck

Comment by deborah peck on Friday

Hello everyone, seems like everyone has a hard time with this day, Todd Im so sorry this is a double whammy for you. My sister and I were going to do lunch and a movie today, just to have something to do andI was really looking forward to it but she cancelled so now Im feeling the loneliness of this day, Greg and I always celebrated the day with usually dinner out and chocolates and flowers so I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness but this day too shall pass. I hope everyone gets some joy today if only in our memories, As for me Ive been doing diamond art so will eat chocolate and do my crafts, love to all of you and prayers, Todd, will be saying a special prayer for you

Comment by Marsha H on Friday

Trina ...  It's wonderful to see you post again and I honestly do think of you often.  I always hope that you are at peace and have some joy in your life.  If one really thinks of it we don't need Valentine's Day anyway because each day married to our spouse was better than Valentine's.  All of us were so very lucky to have met our soul mates and we loved each other dearly which is a blessing because so many people never find that sort of love. 

I wish you pure peace and joy my dear friend.  I'm happy also that you come to Legacy instead of FB.  We are free to post from our hearts to the people on here we love, respect and know how we feel. 

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on Friday

Mary.Jane ...  What a beautiful post you left and I concur.  I feel we carry the torch for our spouses and bring forth things that they were wise enough to share with us and pass it on.  I also believe we were left here for some task.  Even posting on here or a kind word to someone we meet when they need it the most leaves an imprint on each person and if I can bring a smile to just one of those people then it makes me happy.

Love ya

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on Friday

Dear Todd ...  It's wonderful to see you post again.  I know exactly how you feel and I'll be painting white woodwork during Valentine's and also taking the dogs for a walk to try and keep my mind off it.  I hope I don't bump into couples on my walks or I'll start bawling, but then that's what sunglasses are for.  I know how difficult it is to go to a wedding and try to be happy for the couple, but it reminds us so much of our own weddings and all those memories.  Just a suggestion, but you could just go to the church for the wedding if that's what they're having and skip the reception or the other way around.  If you feel you need to do both then try your best to talk to others there and believe it or not it sometimes helps.  My rule of thumb is, no one can make me do anything I don't feel comfortable with and also, if I do go there is always that 'exit' and home again.  My thoughts are with you my dear friend.

Love ya more

Marsha

Comment by DJ on Friday

Chuck, I've asked this before but cannot find/remember your response: what is the meaning of "1-4-3"?

Comment by Trina Mamoon on Friday

Dear Todd,

I just read your post now and see that you have two very gut-wrenching days coming up. I am truly sorry that it happens to be on February 15th, the day after Valentine's Day that you lost your lovely Claudia.

I am sending you good thoughts as you face the 15th and a wedding to attend to make things even more difficult. Don't lose courage, my warrior brother, hang in there!  

Comment by Trina Mamoon on Friday

Dear Marsha and Chuck,

You two do it every time for me! I was gone--literally and metaphorically--for a long time, but your posts brought me back to writing again today.

I was in Bangladesh again for two and a half months and returned last weekend. When I am in BD, I don't take my laptop with me as it's a hassle for international travel, especially because I am from a Muslim country. I only have my iPhone to check my email, so even when I read the posts from Legacy, I don't write back because it's very time consuming to type on my phone keypad, and I don't have the patience or psychic energy. 

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and as Chuck said, whether people on this forum celebrated it with their now departed loved one or not, Valentine's Day will always be a painful reminder that that one person in the world who made life worth living is forever gone. While everybody is excitedly making plans on how to celebrate this day, our family here will only view this day with a deep sense of loss, a day that is dreaded like other marker days such as birthdays and anniversaries and holidays. 

This will be my sixth Valentine's Day without the love of my life, Joseph, and like the rest of you I will be filled with longing and heartache remembering all the Valentine's Days that I celebrated with my darling husband of 14 years (we were together for 19). 

For Joseph and me it was not a big day; some years we went out for dinner, other years we just stayed home and had chocolates to mark the day. Some years Joseph would buy me flowers. Even though we didn't always celebrate this day by doing something big or special, it was always a day to feel blessed that we had each other. That was the most important thing in the world. Now Valentine's Day is empty and painful.

As for Facebook, I have an account, but I wouldn't want to transfer Legacy there. Legacy feels right as it is here where we write honestly and sincerely about our innermost feelings; I wouldn't feel comfortable doing so on FB.

BTW, all the happy couple pictures on FB with all the details of t Valentine's Day celebrations is like a knife through the heart. I don't begrudge anyone, but it hurts to see all the happy couple pictures, when all we have now are our memories of/with our beloved spouse/partner.

Thanks for posting Mary Jane, Steve, Todd, DJ, Michele, Deb, and others. Your posts help; it feels less lonely reading your thoughts and how you cope with your grief and loss. 

Wishing everybody peace as Valentine's Day approaches. It's going to be hard, but we will make it through as we make it through each day missing the love of our life. Hugs to you all.

Comment by Mary. Jane on Friday

I just reread all of the current posts..and Michele, you made me smile. I LOVE that our posts are a selfish comfort to you...as are YOUR posts to us. YES, I know that feeling of a slow leak..I still have it, it only seems like we are better, as I for one, have learned to use better bandages to cover it..but the bandages have a habit of getting ripped off, when you think everything is fine, and least expect it. 

IT never heals, but we become able to process “IT” better. Here, we keep Ernie, Mark, Larry, Claudia, Greg, Bob and all the others alive in our hearts, and share our treasured memories. We are the ones left behind, to tell their stories, we are the ones who were blessed with love..and love never dies. Sometimes I think maybe we were meant to touch someone, or complete some unknown task, before it is our time to leave. That we might have an unknown purpose to help in some way, gives me hope..two things I feel is essential. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on Friday

My heart is with you all on Valentine’s Day. Bob was NOT a romantic, and after 40+ years, I might get a card, or flowers, if he thought of it. Sometimes he would give me those gifts a few days BEFORE Valentine’s Day..he was so cute.  Oh crap,I just started crying!! After 4 years? Yes, it has been 4 years this month. 

It is WONDERFUL hear from all of you! Hello to everyone!

 

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