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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 19, 2020 at 1:34pm

Dear Marsha,

Oh how I wish the miles between us didn't exist, as I know well that feeling of the inner child living with fear and sadness that only tears can express. Most often when they surface now it is in response to some outside stimulus - a movie, TV show, or piece of music. While it looks like I am crying about that, my thoughts take whatever inspired my tears and seamlessly translates it into my feelings for Larry, memories of our life, and my grief. Sometimes Steve sees me and his expression says it all - that he knows precisely what's happening. Sometimes I am alone and just breathe deeply until it passes. What I learned here, especially from some of the first advice you gave me, was that having these emotional moments were natural, healthy, and not any indications of lunacy -  something I was not at all sure of at the time!

My friend, I do wish you peace in mind and spirit, and send a long tight hug from afar with all my love -

Chuck 

Comment by deborah peck on February 18, 2020 at 2:11pm

Marsha, I am so sorry you are going thru a hard time right now, I get the crying jags and having to just let it out, if not it hits you at the strangest times, I think it really does take the first few years to realize they aren't coming back, I try not to think about it and talk to him like hes here, I keep expecting Greg to come home too. I am sending you hugs and know that Ernie is giving you hugs too. Did I tell you what happened on the 1st anniversary of Gregs passing. my sister and I went to the smokey mountains as it was mine and his favorite spot, I went because of a desperate need to say goodbye, well it was a horrible trip and I never should of gone but the most amazing thing happened, one evening my sis and I decided to go shop in Gatlinburg and as we were walking down the street she started cryin and said this is so wrong,  I replied with its okay, she looked at me and said why do you keep saying that,its not okay, I looked at her and said its all I know to say, we just stood there for a few minutes trying to get ourselves together and I closed my eyes and felt Gregs arms engulf me in a hug and hold me, I opened my eyes with a big smile and new he was here with us both, was the most amazing thing to feel so I know he is with me when I need him just as your Ernie is. I hope you start feeling better soon, love your friend

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 18, 2020 at 1:59pm

Found my credit card..it was in a hiding place I had forgotten I had! This is the CC I use for ONLY online purchases..I had forgotten I NEVER carry it with me. See..THIS is the person I have become..spaced out! 

Still waiting for plumber. Grrrrrrr!

Comment by Marsha H on February 18, 2020 at 6:19am

Sara it's always wonderful to see you post.  I sure haven't forgotten you and hope things are going well for you.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on February 18, 2020 at 6:18am

Mary.Jane ...

Don't worry about it and do understand.  Had to have my washing machine fixed just over a month ago.  Glad no one used your credit card.  I hope the plumber is on time and you get everything fixed fast without to much cost.

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 18, 2020 at 1:35am

Oh, I am so very sorry,Marsha. Please forgive me for not responding sooner..last night, and today, which is a holiday..my entire plumbing system is totally backed  up..washer and toilets backing up to kitchen sink and showers..plus, I lost one of my credit cards. So I will post again b4 the plumber gets here. It’s really a mess. But I know exactly how you felt, when Ernie died..so very helpless, but smiling and “staying strong”.

Sara. awesome that u r here too..bye for now all.

Back,later.

Comment by Marsha H on February 17, 2020 at 4:26pm

The woman in me gave me strength, the child in me made me cry.  *In each adult there is a child waiting to come out.'

When Ernie was home and fighting pancreatic cancer he grew so thin and the fear in his eyes made me hold him tighter, but the woman in me kicked in and I would encourage him telling him we'd beat this, but inwardly knew this was not true.  He was so use to me 'fixing things' as far as when he got sick or he had problems at work with one of his crew.  I fought as hard as I could and I'd hug him, but yes, at times the frustrations of not being able to cry when I wanted to caught up to me and I will be honest in saying I could get angry at him for a short time and that bothers me to this day.  Now I know it was the shield put up to give him  my strength and a feeling he still had control over his life.  After Ernie went to bed I would have 'shower cries' so he wouldn't hear me.  I tried so hard to keep to the normal routine as he grew weaker and then into hospital he went.  I went up twice a day for weeks to see him and cuddle him (sometimes laying beside him in the hospital bed) as he kept asking me to bring him home.  I was trying to get nursing care and a hospital bed for him to come home, but unfortunately it wasn't to be.  He was moved to Hospice and I was there to be sure he knew where he was.  My love was dying and he didn't want me to see him pass away and I wish I could change that as well, but when I insisted on staying he grew angry and I didn't want to upset him.  I asked if I could come back the next morning and stay overnight and he agreed to that.  When I got home I sat on the sofa crying and just knew he wasn't long for this world and sat up all night and sure enough at 6 AM the nurse phoned me telling me to get there ASAP as he was dying.  I was in shock and my girlfriend drove me there, but by the time I got there he had passed away.  I sat beside him holding his hand and I thought any minute his eyes would open and he'd smile at me.  I could feel him growing cold and once again had one last lay down with him on the bed cuddling him and telling him I loved him and always would.  From that point on I don't remember much and it took me just over a year to realize he would never come up the driveway of our home nor was he away with a friend on a fishing trip.  That's when the crying began.

Thanks for listening my angels. 

Marsha 

Comment by Todd B. Goodrich on February 17, 2020 at 4:14pm

Marsha - hugs to you

Sara - more hugs for you

I did make it through! It was a lovely wedding and reception.

I was fortunate that everything was in a language that I barely speak! lol

Chin up friends! Sending love and strength your way!

 - Todd

Comment by Marsha H on February 17, 2020 at 4:06pm

Odd that the subject has come to 'crying.'  I've had a week of crying off and on.  It started Thursday when I was at Bible Study and the people there are a nice group.  When the end of it came I just jumped up and said I had to go.  They were concerned and asked if I was OK, but, of course I just smiled and said it had been a bad week and who hasn't had those.  I couldn't get to my car fast enough and bawled all the way home and then really let it fly when I did get home.  It's been an on/off crying session so far.  Loneliness is the number one trigger I believe.  I can be very active and suddenly I feel like a ghost wherever I go.

Crying is a necessity because it let's go of all the pent up feelings we've controlled throughout a given day or week.  It calms our body down; relaxes muscles and makes us tired so we can sleep better.  If we didn't cry I'm sure we would go batty.  Back in the day if men cried it was considered a weakness and thankfully for quite some time now men can cry openly and they should be able to.  I have never trusted a man who never cried.  Holding all those pent up feelings is not healthy.  Oh yes, crying also clears the eyes out so if you have a bug hiding in there out it comes!  LOL

Love you all

Marsha

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 16, 2020 at 7:47pm

Hi everyone....I'm reading the posts about the FB site and now it makes sense.  I had forgotten about that site and began wondering why there are very few, if any new members lately.  I much prefer our smaller group knowing our posts are private.

I managed to get through Valentine's Day by just thinking of it like any other Friday.  It was easy most of the day since I was at work and once home, I stayed off of Facebook so I didn't have to see couples posting.  It was also helpful that Ken and I didn't live by the calendar so Valentine's Day wasn't a big day for us.  That being said, it still hurts as you all know. 

Todd.....I was thinking of you this weekend as I knew it was the anniversary of Claudia's passing.  I'm sorry you had to go to a wedding on that day.  That couldn't have been easy at all.  I hope your friends were there to get you through.

Love you all,

Sara

 

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