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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Latest Conversations: Oct 16

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Universe

Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on February 18, 2020 at 1:59pm

Found my credit card..it was in a hiding place I had forgotten I had! This is the CC I use for ONLY online purchases..I had forgotten I NEVER carry it with me. See..THIS is the person I have become..spaced out! 

Still waiting for plumber. Grrrrrrr!

Comment by Marsha H on February 18, 2020 at 6:19am

Sara it's always wonderful to see you post.  I sure haven't forgotten you and hope things are going well for you.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on February 18, 2020 at 6:18am

Mary.Jane ...

Don't worry about it and do understand.  Had to have my washing machine fixed just over a month ago.  Glad no one used your credit card.  I hope the plumber is on time and you get everything fixed fast without to much cost.

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 18, 2020 at 1:35am

Oh, I am so very sorry,Marsha. Please forgive me for not responding sooner..last night, and today, which is a holiday..my entire plumbing system is totally backed  up..washer and toilets backing up to kitchen sink and showers..plus, I lost one of my credit cards. So I will post again b4 the plumber gets here. It’s really a mess. But I know exactly how you felt, when Ernie died..so very helpless, but smiling and “staying strong”.

Sara. awesome that u r here too..bye for now all.

Back,later.

Comment by Marsha H on February 17, 2020 at 4:26pm

The woman in me gave me strength, the child in me made me cry.  *In each adult there is a child waiting to come out.'

When Ernie was home and fighting pancreatic cancer he grew so thin and the fear in his eyes made me hold him tighter, but the woman in me kicked in and I would encourage him telling him we'd beat this, but inwardly knew this was not true.  He was so use to me 'fixing things' as far as when he got sick or he had problems at work with one of his crew.  I fought as hard as I could and I'd hug him, but yes, at times the frustrations of not being able to cry when I wanted to caught up to me and I will be honest in saying I could get angry at him for a short time and that bothers me to this day.  Now I know it was the shield put up to give him  my strength and a feeling he still had control over his life.  After Ernie went to bed I would have 'shower cries' so he wouldn't hear me.  I tried so hard to keep to the normal routine as he grew weaker and then into hospital he went.  I went up twice a day for weeks to see him and cuddle him (sometimes laying beside him in the hospital bed) as he kept asking me to bring him home.  I was trying to get nursing care and a hospital bed for him to come home, but unfortunately it wasn't to be.  He was moved to Hospice and I was there to be sure he knew where he was.  My love was dying and he didn't want me to see him pass away and I wish I could change that as well, but when I insisted on staying he grew angry and I didn't want to upset him.  I asked if I could come back the next morning and stay overnight and he agreed to that.  When I got home I sat on the sofa crying and just knew he wasn't long for this world and sat up all night and sure enough at 6 AM the nurse phoned me telling me to get there ASAP as he was dying.  I was in shock and my girlfriend drove me there, but by the time I got there he had passed away.  I sat beside him holding his hand and I thought any minute his eyes would open and he'd smile at me.  I could feel him growing cold and once again had one last lay down with him on the bed cuddling him and telling him I loved him and always would.  From that point on I don't remember much and it took me just over a year to realize he would never come up the driveway of our home nor was he away with a friend on a fishing trip.  That's when the crying began.

Thanks for listening my angels. 

Marsha 

Comment by Todd B. Goodrich on February 17, 2020 at 4:14pm

Marsha - hugs to you

Sara - more hugs for you

I did make it through! It was a lovely wedding and reception.

I was fortunate that everything was in a language that I barely speak! lol

Chin up friends! Sending love and strength your way!

 - Todd

Comment by Marsha H on February 17, 2020 at 4:06pm

Odd that the subject has come to 'crying.'  I've had a week of crying off and on.  It started Thursday when I was at Bible Study and the people there are a nice group.  When the end of it came I just jumped up and said I had to go.  They were concerned and asked if I was OK, but, of course I just smiled and said it had been a bad week and who hasn't had those.  I couldn't get to my car fast enough and bawled all the way home and then really let it fly when I did get home.  It's been an on/off crying session so far.  Loneliness is the number one trigger I believe.  I can be very active and suddenly I feel like a ghost wherever I go.

Crying is a necessity because it let's go of all the pent up feelings we've controlled throughout a given day or week.  It calms our body down; relaxes muscles and makes us tired so we can sleep better.  If we didn't cry I'm sure we would go batty.  Back in the day if men cried it was considered a weakness and thankfully for quite some time now men can cry openly and they should be able to.  I have never trusted a man who never cried.  Holding all those pent up feelings is not healthy.  Oh yes, crying also clears the eyes out so if you have a bug hiding in there out it comes!  LOL

Love you all

Marsha

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 16, 2020 at 7:47pm

Hi everyone....I'm reading the posts about the FB site and now it makes sense.  I had forgotten about that site and began wondering why there are very few, if any new members lately.  I much prefer our smaller group knowing our posts are private.

I managed to get through Valentine's Day by just thinking of it like any other Friday.  It was easy most of the day since I was at work and once home, I stayed off of Facebook so I didn't have to see couples posting.  It was also helpful that Ken and I didn't live by the calendar so Valentine's Day wasn't a big day for us.  That being said, it still hurts as you all know. 

Todd.....I was thinking of you this weekend as I knew it was the anniversary of Claudia's passing.  I'm sorry you had to go to a wedding on that day.  That couldn't have been easy at all.  I hope your friends were there to get you through.

Love you all,

Sara

Comment by Steve G. on February 16, 2020 at 8:10am

Yes I did.  As I watched him take his last breath, my mind out of control, pent up grief from family and friends who had passed.  I could not control it, the dam had broken.

As the paramedics and police arrived, I was able to stop long enough to answer endless questions, only to start up again.  It took 4 hours before everyone left.

I had a massive headache and still I continued sobbing.

Shear exhaustion set in as I do not remember falling asleep.  When I woke up I was thirsty and alone, except for our poor Bella.  There she sat staring at me with the most saddest expression I have ever seen.  I got up and took her for a walk, it was dark out side.  The walk helped us both, numbness set in and a surreal feeling that I was in a dream.

The sobbing would come and go, today I still tear up triggered by songs, movies and from reading all my stories I started writing about my life and those around me.  That and this site were my two outlets.

Mary Jane, we each grieve differently, so try not to judge your grief to others, each person comes from a different place in life and different circumstances, which is why we all grieve differently.

Love and hugs

Steve

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 16, 2020 at 12:15am

Chuck, I just returned home, and read the writings of your cousin Mary.Beautiful, but very thought provoking! I don,t think I have ever wondered why we cry..maybe to release emotions so they don,t build up? Thank you for sharing that. 

After I read  it, I tried to remember if I had cried after Bob died..I mean REALLY cried. Sure, I cried a little bit hear and there..but after REALLY thinking, all I can remember is being NUMB. I remember going to visit my brother in 2016, at Christmas after Bob died..he died in winter, 2016...and everyone kept asking me how I was..and I was FINE was my response. And I WAS fine..cuz Imwas inside some weird bubble...

imam curious, did anyone else here, cry like Chucks cousin? 

 

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