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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on April 6, 2020 at 12:42pm

Ohh, Chuck..that is wonderful. I could not give you any praise higher than the feeling you have of wonderful self pride, and worth! You deserve it! Five years seems like a milestone..4 is almost there, but FIVE means you have MADE it! You don’t have to be afraid any more..as you have THIS anniversary.Somehow, the next years seem to come easier, once you have crossed the 5 year mark. I bet you are really proud of yourself..and you SHOULD be! You have earned it..you did it for YOU..and THAT is HUGE! You stopped drinking when YOU decided it was time..not because someone else wanted you to stop, but YOU made the decision. And you stuck with it for FIVE YEARS! And now, the self worth you are experiencing will stay with you forever. People, who aren’t alcoholics cannot understand. You cannot quit for ANYONE ELSE, no matter how much you love them, and how hard you try. It never works out. You can only quit because YOU wanted  to..which is why this will be forever. 

Well done, my baby brother!

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on April 5, 2020 at 5:07pm

Dear Chuck - I applaud you for being brave enough to put forth the effort to chance your life. I can only imagine Larry looking down and being so proud of you and so happy that you have found a wonderful man to make this time in history bearable. I invite everyone on the forum to join many of us every evening in prayer for our first responders, those on the front lines, those in government and media and those already suffering from this terrible thing. We always include those in nursing homes, the elderly at home, those who have lost their spouses or significant others and those suffering from anxiety and depression in our prayers. And to add just a little giggle -- every night Sugar Bear (my six foot husky) joins Jim and me in our prayer - reminding us to pray for all the poor unwanted animals out there who have been abandoned because people are afraid of getting the virus from them or can no longer care for them.  In good news - a family member (a young man) got the virus and has recovered after two weeks. We are praying his husband does not contract it. I have been unable to contact him although I have tried. For Jim and me we are staying safe and using the dogs (and cat) for our entertainment. Our prayers are with you all.  Love Jenni

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 5, 2020 at 4:38pm

Thank you Deborah - your words of understanding and encouragement are very much appreciated - 

Love, Chuck

Comment by deborah peck on April 5, 2020 at 12:01pm

Chuck, I loved the way you felt safe here and how honest you were. I was thinking yesterday how horrible this must be for people with severe depression and anxiety and then it dawned on me how many people in abusive relationships were now in real danger. Im very proud of you for all the hard work it takes to remain sober but you are still doing it, Im sure Larry is very proud of you and understands that you couldn't help it, you have a sickness and he loved you and you have so many good memories. I think now that life has slowed down it causes many of us to reflect on our lifes, past and present and hopefully to realize we cant change our past behavior but we can change what we do in the future. So much love to you and keep up the good work

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 5, 2020 at 11:47am

To clarify - Larry wasn't experiencing Liver failure - I just saw how that could be confusing the way I wrote it - sorry

Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on April 5, 2020 at 11:45am

Dear Mary Jane (and everyone)

Yes, this is our safe place - and so I am availing myself of that security now. You see, today is a rather important milestone  for me...5 years sober. I honestly don't remember how much if any of the events surrounding this I have shared here before. My sobriety was not by choice - I was taken by ambulance to the ER with Larry experiencing liver failure with multiple organ involvement. I was intubated and placed in an induced coma for 2 weeks. During my withdrawal I experienced delirium tremens, or the DT's leaving my with encephalopathy which affects my moods, balance, memory - all kinds of fun stuff. Of course I am now living with cirrhosis and have my liver checked regularly for signs of deterioration, disease, or cancer to which I am now more susceptible. Life is not what it was for me, but that I have life at all is a miracle. It was during that period in 2015 that I lost my beloved Larry, and my feelings about my health, my alcoholism, and my relationship with and loss of Larry are all so confusingly mangled together that I don't expect ever to be able to completely sort through them. one day all I can think of is the way my drinking affected our life and what he must have endured, the next I'm remembering how much fun and life we shared for 32 years - emotional gymnastics for which I should be well equipped but don't always navigate well.

since this crisis started I am daily seeing on TV people sharing recipes for cocktails, discussing online drinking parties, and even major personalities drinking on camera as a joke about how they are coping. For me, this can be upsetting and not at all funny. Only Whoopy Goldberg has been clearly reminding viewers who have addictions to seek help and reach out as their anxiety grows along with their memories of how they would have been behaving in the past. God bless her for that. 

I plan to write out something in the way I did when I first joined here, but am busy making protective masks for Steve and I as well as some at-risk friends, so that is taking priority right now. I just wanted to say how much being here has saved me in more ways than I could ever express - I didn't join AA or attend meetings, and thankfully have never wanted to start drinking again - but I know enough from family experiences that I am will always be one drink away from disaster, and for me death. 

Please all of you be safe, mindful, and aware of how much we all mean to each other - here, and to the world .

Love to you all

Chuck

Comment by Chicago Beard on April 3, 2020 at 5:36pm

Mary Jane that was hilarious. 

Here is another one

https://youtu.be/u--WhgkJVRw

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 3, 2020 at 12:52pm

https://www.hitc.com/en-gb/2020/04/01/youtube-who-are-the-marsh-fam...

KIDS..THIS IS AWESOME! Took me 20mins to figure out how to share this link..I PROMISE this video will make your day! It’s a family in the U.K. who made a parody musical about being shut in, set it to ONE DAY MORE song from Les Miserable 

PLEASE I hope thelink works..if not I will try again or u an google the Marsh Family in Kent sings to Les Misérables 

Comment by deborah peck on April 3, 2020 at 11:57am

Mary Jane I feel like this is our safe zone to rant all we want and we all get there now and then so no worries. The weather here is starting to be nice out so have been doing yard work and enjoying my porch, I usually walk a lot but the parks here have shut down because people are too crazy to stay apart . My granddaughter just left potatoes on my porch and a lot of food on my sisters, she is alone and her own kids don't check on her so she said she cried when Kenzie left her it. So sad but sometimes life doesn't seem fair so we all need to help where we can. I hope everyone stays safe and gets thru this unscathed, 

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 3, 2020 at 10:40am

I am so sorry for my rambling late night post. No, I wasn't inebriated..lol..just scared, and very sleepy when I posted that.THAT is why I don,t watch the news about this..Bob had a saying: “Fear eats the soul”. Yes, it does. 

I think about Bob a lot these days, and thank GOD he didn’t live to see this. But, again, maybe he would have been ok with it..you see, he believed very strongly that we are not alone in this universe. I used to humor him, thinking it was all in his mind..but both he, and his sister SWEAR they had “visits”when they were small children. In the early 1950’s....so, who knows? Maybe this is the Mother Ship, coming to take us “home”. LOL..or maybe this is natures way of “thinning the herd?” A friend pointed out to me all the times it has happened before. We will never know. STAY SAFE, my friends.

 

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