Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: Jan 14
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020.
Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020.
Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019.
I read all your posts here with great interest and also sadness. The thoughts, emotions, fears, and deep, unrelenting sadness associated with the loss of your beloved spouse/partner are feelings that I relate to deeply. This is a great forum where people who have suffered the same losses can come and share their innermost thoughts and feelings without being judged. And I am thankful for the bonds of friendship and kinship that we have been able to find here.
Deborah P, very sorry for you that the month of May comes with a number of sad associations. I don't know what words of comfort to offer you, except to say that I am sending you good thoughts as you go through the month full of painful associations.
Marsha, so good to have you back here and writing. We have Mary Jane to thank for the nudge and the inquiry for us to bring you out here again. Ernie's anniversary of passing was recently, always a very hard marker. Very sorry to hear about the loss of your girlfriend. As the years go by, the list of those whom we loved who are now gone only grows, as Charles in his usual eloquent manner put it.
It's good to know that in spite of all the unprecedented challenges and hardships that COVID 19 has brought to us all on a global scale, that all of you here are safe.
I canceled my Japan trip in March that I was going to take with my friends from Alaska. Even though I lost money, I am relieved that I didn't take that trip because I would have have hated to get sick in Japan, or stuck in quarantine; neither of them good scenarios. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and food on the table, things that a lot of people here and abroad do not have. This pandemic has been very hard for me in a different way. It will be six years in August that Joseph died, and I had stopped crying every single day for about a year or so. Even though getting up in the morning and facing a new day and going to bed for the night have remained extremely difficult for me, the crying spells had gone. But now with Coronavirus, people dying everyday, I cannot stop crying at the news of strangers dying: young people, husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, children and siblings. It's all so very heartbreaking, and it brings back the painful memories of the months leading up to Joseph's death. The knowledge that people never ever "get over the loss of their loved ones; time mutes the pain, but the pain is always there and life is never the same again.
This is the remainder of my post:
Charles, I was having the same thoughts of you about people remembering me after I die. As I offer prayers for departed souls and for those of my acquaintances who have the virus, I am comforted that as I am praying, missing, and thinking of those people without them knowing about it, that there are people out there who will miss me and pray for me when I am gone. I also know this from Joseph. As I said, it will be six years soon since he left us, but every once is a while, there will be a post on Facebook, or a quick email from a student or a colleague who says something nice about him. It tells me that just as we miss and mourn the people who mattered to us, we in turn have touched other people's lives in a positive way, that they too, remember us kindly. So my friend, know that you have touched a lot of lives in big ways and small, unbeknownst to us sometimes, and we will be remembered and someone will think of us fondly and those who pray, will offer a prayer.
These are uncertain times, and I am fully prepared to go if my time comes to go with Coronavirus; I will be reunited with Joseph sooner. The only thing that I am afraid of is that if I die under lockdown, how will I be buried on time, and how will my siblings and nephews arrange for my funeral. Other than these concerns, I am not concerned about the virus taking me. I am concerned for my family's health and wellbeing.
I wish all of my family here to stay safe and be out of harm's way. Take care and be well, all of you!
Yesterday a lot of the restrictions in Mo were lifted, too early I think, I live in St Charles and we have had a lot of cases so I am still staying with the restrictions we had, I will see how everyone else does before I will venture out.I always have bought seasons passes for me and my grandkids for 6 flags, think I will pass on it this year, my siblings and I cancelled our cruise for next January, we don't want to be on a ship while this is going on, think I will stick to maybe renting a cabin and hiking for this summer, but I love to do that so it will be something to look forward too. Everyone stay safe wherever you are please
Dear Chuck & Steve - I always look forward to seeing your posts. The days seem to run together now. Recently my one daughter said the virus is even in the pollution and told me I can't even take my little escapades to the arboretum to enjoy the daylight and the flowers. I spent one evening crying about that and then went to the arboretum to enjoy the sunshine and the flowers. :-) Just to respond to something you said in your post, Chuck, I am not sure I will ever think of you with sadness but the many memories of our years of friendship will always make me think of you with joy. Stay safe both of you - glad to hear you're doing your best. I have family in MO and friends in NC where COVID is not evident who are simply poo pooing its existence and living life as normal. Just wish I was closer so I could bop them one. :-) J
Dear Chuck ... thank you so much for your prayers and as always you and Steve have been great friends to me. Often I want to email you, but for some reason this staying indoors (just get out to get groceries and take the dogs for a walk) and living alone I don't feel like doing much of anything and my energy right now is bull low.
I have been busy though getting pros up to power wash my house (a little white rancher) and also finally found a gardener who is trimming bushes and taking care of Ernie's rockery as far as weeds and I do the other gardens.
I hope both of you are doing well and I pray you and all on here every single night.
Love & prayers
Dear Sara ... so nice to hear from you as well. I'm doing OK. You are lucky things are opening up with this virus. Our laws regarding the virus (I live just outside of Vancouver, British Columbia) weren't as stringent as parts of the U.S. People still get out, but all crowded entertainment is cancelled; no theaters; pubs closed although people can order in and the same for restaurants. The Health Dept., here says that even with the hot summer it will not weaken the virus so who knows what they have planned. People are so sick of it they are just doing their thing, yet cautious around others.
I hope you are doing well and thankful soon you can be free to go where you want.
I am so glad you are well - unlike Mass., here in Texas they are all gung-ho on getting everything up-and-running as soon as possible...hang the consequences. Steve and I are more than a little concerned about that, but unfortunately nobody asked us what we thought about it.
We are being careful, which in my mind translates to being smart. We are accepting the self-imposed limitations on our activities, being creative in devising ways to keep occupied and keeping close eyes on our stock of supplies and food. I may be benefitting from having had a mother who grew up during the depression on a working farm, and saw first hand what keeping a well-stocked larder against bad weather and hard times really means. I confess I may carry it to extremes a bit sometimes, but Steve lets me have my way about it within reason, cost permitting. He does raise an eyebrow at my refusal, or at least resistance to, throwing out food. I may push expiration dates a bit, but yesterday he looked at me seriously and said he was more worried about me getting sick from eating something that had gone bad than anything else! I took his point, but still take stale crackers and re-crisp them in the oven so I can eat them in my soup. Old dogs, new tricks and all that.
Stay safe Sara, and I am happy to hear that you are working from home - We do the same, but for some reason nobody's paying us for it!
Love and hugs from us both,
Wow, with all the things in your life associated with this month I would also wish to skip it altogether. Isn't it a bit sad that as we live longer and longer the calendar year fills with more and more days associated with loss and grieving. I vaguely remember when as a young man I had my first experiences with having a holiday become inexorably linked to a sadness of losing a friend. Those first few years I was a bit surprised and disappointed that on this particular holiday I would never be free of the memories of my friend and his passing.
Now, as the years have gifted me with losses that make all holidays tied to such memories, I find I am allowing that stone of sadness in my heart to simply be there - forever. I see it in my face in the mirror, hear it in my voice when saying "Happy..." fill in the blank. I am reminded of it when people say "Hey, it's Christmas/Thanksgiving? Fourth Of July - you should be happy!"
As you say, we try to keep busy, to get through each day and say it's just another date - but for myself, I guess I am actually in some way glad that I remember those well-loved people who have gone before me. I kind of hope that maybe someday, a few people scattered around will perhaps pause sometimes and thing of me with a hint of sadness as they remember a holiday or just some ordinary day we once shared. That thought makes me feel that perhaps I will leave behind something that for just a brief moment made someone's life a little brighter.
Be well my friend, and as you go through this month know that you are not alone at all - and thank you for sharing it with we here who understand and love you.
Count me among the many who were worried about not seeing you here - I'm sorry about you losing your friend. Also, with the anniversary of Ernie's passing and worries about another friend you indeed have much to deal with. I'm just glad I wasn't forced to go to extreme measures to force you out into the open - but seriously, I'm relieved that you are alright. Sometimes we don't realize how much we count on people being there for us until confronted with the possibility - or worse the tragic reality - of them not being there at all.
Stay safe, and know that from a far distance away Steve and I are sending big hugs and prayers -
Deb...I'm sorry you have such a tough month ahead of you made even more difficult by the physical distancing. I've been wanting to plant a tree for Ken. I may put that on my list of things to do this year although more specifically, it'll be on my list of things to have someone else do for me.
Lean on us to help you get through this month. Take care of yourself and stay safe.
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