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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on November 10, 2020 at 7:56pm

Hello Chaya,

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife Bridgett that brings you here to this group. I lost my husband Larry in April of 2015 to cancer. We were told in the early Fall of 2014 that he was terminal and he agreed to enter a trial of an immunotherapy drug. We were told he could get possibly an extra 2-5 years if successful - without it 6 months was the prognosis. Without going into details, it didn't work and made him miserable. Those months were such a horrible nightmare for me that I still can't figure out how I got through them.

The approach of the 1 year anniversary of Bridgett's passing will understandably bring up many memories and feelings, not all of them good. I guess all I can say is that what helped me the most was sharing with the understanding and supportive family I found here and leaning on them when I wasn't feeling strong. I was never alone in my loss after finding this place of healing, and i sincerely hope that you will find some strength and comfort here with us as this time when we are all forced into isolation. 

Wishing you peace,

Love, Chuck

Comment by CHAYA SPECTOR on November 10, 2020 at 9:23am

Thanks for the acknowledgment Chicago.. 

Your statement reminds me of a song and you tube I have been using quite frequently..its Willie Nelson singing  "Its not something you get over, it's something you get through". 

I don't expect to ever get over losing Bridgett.. and it feels way to soon to be "getting through" but i do  find ways to find some peace and that's remembering  all the good times.  Bridgett and I had 6 1/2 years of knowing she was dyi ng. On some levels it made it harder, the  knowing and trying to stay in the present so as not to miss what we still had. I feel i am still fighting and trying to stay in the present. To feel her love as it surrounds me in our home, with our animals and our friends..but there are days, moments where I just go into tears and sadness.   this gift of nice weather here in the east coast is helping. 

Comment by Chicago Beard on November 9, 2020 at 4:25pm

Chaya

Welcome to the group no one wants to join but is always grateful when they do. I lost my Rose in 2010. We were married 30 years and three months and I miss her everyday. Grief is something you get through and not over. Do not deny anything you are feeling. It is all legitimate. This is a special group that gives unconditional support and is instrumental in helping me deal with my grief.

Comment by CHAYA SPECTOR on November 9, 2020 at 3:55pm

Hi..I have been feeling the need to connect with others in this grieving process. I lost my wife in Dec  2019. For 25 years she was my soul mate, partner , lover , go grandparent and best friend. I miss her. In this time of covid i feel so limited in  the people I see or connect with. Looking to b part of a group where  folks are talking about  feeling ...

Comment by Trina Mamoon on November 6, 2020 at 9:34pm

Hello Deborah, Steve, and Charles,

It's nice to get some activity on this forum; it has been quiet here for a while.

Deborah, I would echo what Steve and Charles said. It's an individual decision (and sometimes it's not a question of decision) on how to manage your grief. It is okay to want to move on. If that is what you feel where you are after three and half years, it is the right thing for you to go ahead and make changes in your life.

It's been 6 years and 3 months for me since Joseph left, but for me, his absence is the presence in my life. My apartment is filled with photos of him and of my parents who too have passed and of my other family members. Having Joseph looking at me from every direction, and for me to see his smiling face from every room, gives me the necessary encouragement to make it through the day. Even if I live for another 20 years--which I very well might--I will live like this, surrounded by Joseph's memory.

I, too, talk to him everyday, all the time, as if he is still around. I still watch the same shows on TV that we used to watch together and there are daily reminders of him everywhere. When I go for my solitary walks, I find myself missing him when I am surrounded by beautiful landscape around me. He is a part of me even though he is gone and will never come back. This is who I am today, and I feel comfortable with this state of being.

For some perhaps this way of living in the past is unhealthy, but this is my comfort zone and this is my life now. So whatever feels right for you is what you should do. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to remember our spouse/life partner. 

I am sending warm thoughts your way as you explore the new changes you are experiencing recently. I am also sending you thoughts for peace.

And to Steve and Charles and to everyone else, sending you good thoughts so that each day becomes easier to make it though.

Love, Trina  

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on November 6, 2020 at 11:59am

Dear Deborah,

Wow, do your words ring incredibly true and familiar to me. Yes, indeed I felt at one time like I was stuck  - a very appropriate word - and wasn't getting or going anywhere. I second Steve's sentiment that you are going to be alright - this feeling is normal and will if not pass, at least morph into something you can manage to live with. 

The month of November, and the Fall in general, for me  brings a sense of slowing down, reflecting on the past as thoughts turn inward, and preparing for bad weather. Perhaps this is because i grew up in a northern climate where the approaching winter was taken seriously as more than just Holidays but a time to prepare for storms, cold, and shoveling snow - times before snow-blowers. 

Mentally I still find myself preparing for storms and trouble -  it just seems now to come from my grieving and missing people and places gone.

Be gentle on yourself, and follow your instincts - if taking down photos or putting away items feels right then do so. Nothing will remove our love or memories of our loved ones from our days - or our hearts. I talk to Larry daily, still find tears surprising me with certain pieces of music playing or movies showing on TV. This is who I am now, and I can't be anybody but me so I won't even pretend to try.

Sending a big hug and much love to you - 

Chuck 

Comment by Steve G. on November 6, 2020 at 9:53am

November 30th will be 6 years since Mark's passing.  I still keep his photo on my night stand, along with my Sister and Mom.  I still think of him daily and always will.  There really is no norm for how we pass thru grief, the truth is we will never get away from it.  We do however, allow it to change us as we decide and we are forever changed.  I find life is a never ending story of lessons that continue to make us who we are today.  All the bad and hurtful memories are replaced by the blessings and good memories, which helps us to grow and change.

You are doing fine, allow subtle changes to occur no matter how small.  Good to hear from you, hope you and your family and friends are well.

Sending hugs to all,

Steve

Comment by deborah peck on November 6, 2020 at 9:42am

Its been 3 1/2 years since Greg passed away, all this time Ive been kinda pretending hes still here, not fully acknowledging the fact hes not here. I went thru my house yesterday and took down all the extra pictures that I had put up of him, I feel like I need to move on so to speak and maybe this will help, my life just seems stuck in a falsehood I cant get out of, I try but just cant climb that hurdle , did anyone else feel this way and how did you get past it

Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 29, 2020 at 5:44pm

Dear Steve,

What you say is so very true! That you are not the same person you were 6 years ago, and yet, you are very much that same person. This is very true for me too! In so many ways I do not recognize the person I was six years ago when Joseph passed, and yet, in other ways I am that very same person. Perhaps part of the difficulty of our "new" life lies in this conundrum? There are echoes of us inside of us from our past life, yet we are very different today... I am grateful that I can come here and share my thoughts and know that I am to alone in this.

Sending you good thoughts and love as well. Stay safe and stay well. 

Hugs, Trina

Comment by Steve G. on September 25, 2020 at 7:04am

Thank you Trina,

We help each other in ways no other person outside of this small circle will ever understand.  I am not the same person I was 6 years ago; and yet, I am very much that same person.

I had to find the scarred little Steve so wrapped up in barriers and mistrust and let him become the me I am now.

It has been and will continue to be a journey for us all.

Peace and love to everyone to my Legacy family,

Stay safe and be not alone.

Love, Steve

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