Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Terry Kent Mar 7, 2022. 6 Replies


Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 12, 2021 at 9:31pm

Hello Sara,

I am finally reading the piece you shared about life being like a train ride. I too find it to be a very pleasant way to view our time here.  I also thank you, and all of my Legacy family, for being on my train, or rather for saving me a seat on yours. I am especially sensitive to the imagery and message put forth in this piece because of something that triggered a series of events this past week. 

It started with an inquiry from a cousin about a cemetery in Stephentown, NY where most of my mother's family are buried going back several generations. Her brother has expressed a desire to be buried there and she was asking if I had contact information for the nearby funeral home so he could inquire about pre-arrangements. He has battled schizophrenia his entire adult life and has lived in group homes or institutions. He has been alone and I believe very lonely, finding comfort in his Catholic faith and contact with family. I said I would look for the paperwork from my brother's burial there in 2009. I didn't find contact information, but did find the folder in which I had all the printed email exchanges we had over the last 7 months of his life before passing from liver cancer. The last one was just before July 4th weekend, and he had planned to drive to visit Larry and I that weekend if he was feeling well enough, saying he wanted to get away from his apartment and all things associated with his hospitalizations and illness. That visit never happened. He stepped off the train without my knowing until his friend called to tell me July 2nd. 

I've been in kind of a state since finding this folder, and somehow the arrival of Valentine's Day has gotten all mixed up with thoughts of graves and funerals, lost opportunities to say goodbye, and reminders that this year there will be thousands of spouses and families who have lost someone to the pandemic and will be in such pain this weekend. 

So, like Deborah, I will be in my craft room/studio when I'm not watching some weepy movie of napping. Steve has been so thoughtful and supportive, giving me space to go off and be "crazy Chuck" for awhile while he reads and follows his own footsteps down the path of memories and grieving. It's surprisingly very cold here, and keeping warm and isolated indoors with little outside contact we can almost imagine we are on our own little planet where there's no disease, no cruelty, no hatred...then I switch channels to the news. *sigh*

Everybody be warm, stay safe, and I pray that the weekend is for you peaceful, bearable, and most of all lets the train carry you along with the comfort of the fact that the seat beside you isn't really empty - it just looks that way.

Love to you all and a big hug from both Steve and I



Comment by Marsha H on February 12, 2021 at 3:27pm

Deborah ...  I'm doing much the same as you are.  This may sound crazy, but I do have Ernie's ashes here and every special holiday I get him a card.  I find Valentine's Day the most difficult seeing men and women buying cards or gifts for their spouses.  It doesn't hurt as bad as it use to.  Just getting Ernie that card makes me feel a little better.  Whatever it takes!  I'm putting the fireplace on and cuddling up with my two little dogs and may eat myself sick on sweets.  LOL  It's frigid weather here too with a wind chill factor and way to cold to go anywhere.  

Hope you and your daughter have a fun time.

Comment by deborah peck on February 12, 2021 at 10:51am

what is everyone doing for Valentines day? I am working in my craft room, my favorite thig to do and just pretending its any other day. My daughter asked me to go to dinner but with this covid thing I don't like to eat out, maybe delivery would be good, hope you all have a good weekend, supposed to have frigid temps here so staying inside 

Comment by deborah peck on February 12, 2021 at 10:47am

Sara, love your post

Comment by Marsha H on February 9, 2021 at 4:16pm

Sara ...  That was beautiful!  Thank you for sharing.

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 9, 2021 at 3:22pm

I saw this post on Facebook today and think it's a beautiful way of looking at our life's journey.  Thank you all for being on my train.  Although I may not be able to see you, I know you're there

At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel by our side. As time goes by, other people will board the train; and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children, strangers and even the love of your life. However, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone. Others will step down over time and leave a permanent vacuum. Some, however, will go so unnoticed that we don't realize they vacated their seats. This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes, and farewells. Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers requiring that we give the best of ourselves.
The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down. So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are. It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.
I wish you a joyful journey for the coming years on your train of life.  Reap success, give lots of love and be happy.  More importantly, thank God for the journey!
Comment by Marsha H on February 9, 2021 at 5:45am

Hi Sara ...  So nice to hear from you and I know some people are busy. 

Sorry to hear you've had snowstorms.  It's going to be -12 C here in lower mainland British Columbia as an Arctic front has come in and of course threats of snow.  Right now making the best of it and bundling up the dogs and going for walks; meeting some great people and being outside at least you can have a conversation.

Working from home can be great, but I think most employees miss seeing most of the coworkers so I happy to hear you nip in every so often.  I don't think most people enjoyed the Christmas holidays that much and I admit it was a strange one for me.  I was able to go to my brother's house and have Christmas dinner there and felt blessed I had that.  I didn't have my usual pre-Christmas buffet because of Covid and of course restricted to no more that 7 people in 'you bubble.'  Even after 11 years years coming up of Ernie's passing I still miss him and have to admit no holiday is a good one without him.  I just try to make the best of it.  Like you I can hardly wait until the spring comes and love gardening and of course meet friends at parks or sometimes if there are just 2 - 4 of us we have a BBQ's or a visit.  Much more freedom during the summer if you want to call it that.

Everyone wants this Covid to go away, but with the virus from Africa and the up and down stats on cases of Covid and deaths it looks like summer will be just as restricted as last year.  Some people same, 'this is the new normal' and it makes me want to tear their lips off!  I go grocery shopping and some other things I need I order online.  

I'm doing fairly well.  I get to see my next door neighbor and my sister-in-law visits me every 2nd Saturday (sees her sister the other Saturdays) and for that I feel blessed.  Also get lots of phone calls or emails.  I am remodeling a couple of rooms in my house and that keeps me busy and of course the dog walks help.  I am retired so it's difficult to be home so much.  They had to shut-down the adoption center for dogs that I volunteer at and I really miss that.  

I too hope everyone here is healthy and staying that way.  



Comment by Sara Murphy on February 8, 2021 at 6:14pm

Hi Marsha....Sorry I didn't respond to your question last week.  Work has been beyond crazy and now I've had to deal with 3 snowstorms in a row with 2 more on the horizon.

To be honest, I'm doing ok with Covid,  I'm very grateful to be working from home so I don't have the stresses that many people have.  I do sneak into the office for a day every other week for a change of scenery.  During the warmer months, my friends and I got together once a month at a state park.  It's was nice to see each other in person but outside and spaced out.  We'll probably start that again in March.  I admit the holiday's were boring.  I did see family but in small groups so it didn't really feel like Thanksgiving or Christmas and without Ken.....

Here's hoping we can get this virus behind us fairly soon so we can all get back to some semblance of normal.  It would be nice if a trip to the grocery store wasn't a health hazard. 

I hope you're all doing well and staying safe and healthy.

Love you all,


Comment by Sara Murphy on February 8, 2021 at 5:48pm

Deb......that's the thing with memories, we have no choice but to take the bad with the good.  Hopefully for all of us, the good outweigh the bad.   Ken and I had 8 years of serious health issues and each time we thought we got through the worst of it, something new came along.  I have flashbacks of those tough times where I flash on the hospital or his suffering but we also had a lot of good times mixed in and I cherish those memories.  I too would have gladly spent many more years taking care of him but somehow knowing he is no longer suffering gives me a measure of comfort.  I hope you don't mind my sharing my perspective.  It always helps me when I see someone post about something that I'm feeling or thinking.  Before finding Legacy, I thought I was wrong for how I was feeling and that society expected us to just be ok, pick up and move on.   I'm thinking about you Deb and hope that as you navigate these next few months, you'll be able to focus on the happiest of times

Comment by Marsha H on February 1, 2021 at 4:17pm

Dear Deborah ...  I feel Greg is with you all the time.  You did the best you could and yes, all of us were lucky to have the love of our life be with us as long as they were although we realize it was far too early for them to leave us.  They left us with so many wonderful memories and from each in the marriage we learned from each other and so we carry the torch for them with the love they shared and wisdom they gave us until we meet them again and we will!  

I wish you peace, love



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