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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Universe

Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 12, 2021 at 11:31am

Hi Marsha,

I really appreciated your sharing of your insights into the dreams you've had and how they reflected your feelings about Ernie. I always learn something about myself from you every time you post - you have such a fantastic way with words, and express ideas that help me process my own confused feelings and thoughts - thank you for that.

I am beginning to understand better the last 6 months of Larry's and my life together. I wish I had the opportunity now, with the benefit of time to reflect more rationally, to talk to the people who were in close contact with Larry during that time and ask the questions that plague me still. I do now understand better that as soon as we got Larry''s terminal diagnosis, I started pulling away from him, and from the entire situation - I couldn't face the prospect of losing him and being alone, nor could I bear watching him experience the physical and emotional toll the drug trial program subjected him to. Even as I write this my hands shake, wanting me to turn away from this subject now as I did then. 

What was lost or missed during those last precious months I will never know due to my tangled and incomplete memories of that time. If I could fill in some of the blanks it might comfort me, although maybe I am being spared things that would actually crush me if revealed - I will never know. The hard part is to push through those unknowns and try to believe that I did the right things for Larry when he needed me. That's still a work in progress, and will most likely be for the rest of my days.

Thank you for always helping us navigate this path that we all walk - I see now that there is no end to it, just more twists and turns ahead. It is easier to walk when you have someone to walk with - like you dear Marsha.

Love, Chuck 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 12, 2021 at 11:15am

Hi Mary Jane,

I had to comment on your morning routine, as I have one myself - depending on how early I get up, either the local birds are just appearing in the yard for breakfast served by yours truly, or if I'm a dirty sleep-in, they are squawking  loudly at the windows complaining of the lousy service in this outdoor cafe. When I go out with their mixed seed, I greet them with what is definitely the lousiest whistling you ever heard, attempting to mimic their sounds, but probably sending them into the bird equivalent of raucous laughter!

I suspect that some mornings the neighbor next door hears me through the fence, and has ceased greeting either of us when we see her in her yard, probably wondering which one is the loony.

Anyway, just wanted to share that, and say that I have been so very concerned about you with the horrible fires out there, and was so relieved to hear from you  - just please keep checking in telling us how you're doing, OK?

Love, Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 12, 2021 at 11:03am

Hi Sara,

I'm playing catch-up again - as Judy Collins sang (too long ago) "Who knows where the time goes?"

I'm sorry about the loss of your father-in-law, but as you say he is with Ken and they both watch over you and all your family now.

I had been wondering about your mother and am sorry her situation continues to be an ongoing trial for you both.  When the medical community is unable to positively diagnose and treat someone's problem it is unnerving and upsetting for everybody, including them. I pray that some clarity comes to you very soon and that she is restored to better health.

With the added hospitalization of your niece, i can only imagine how demanding, tiring, and stressful the past months have been for you. I know people say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I confess there are times I look up and say "Really?! Are you kidding me with this?! How am I supposed to process this, let alone do something to make it better???"

Anyway, just wanted to say "HI" and send a hug your way - wish I could do more, but you know how much I value and appreciate you - 

Love, Chuck

Comment by Trina Mamoon on August 6, 2021 at 2:01pm

Dear Chuck,

Thank you so very much for your affectionate message for Joseph's seventh anniversary of death. You are such a kind and thoughtful friend! Marsha emailed me separately on the day. DJ also very kindly inquired after me on August 4th. I feel blessed for the kindness shown to me on marker days like this one. It says a lot about people who care about others and reach out with a kind word. Acts of kindness like this is what keeps us all going.

I spent the day reading and replying to the many Facebook posts left on Joseph's page. His former students and friends always take the opportunity to write on his page with a kind thought or a story or a photo they wanted to share. This tradition helps a great deal.

Thanks for asking; I felt Joseph near me on his anniversary, as I do on other days, but I think I am unable and unwilling to come to terms with my loss. Joseph was 49 years old when he passed, and I still cannot get over this tragic fact. Perhaps over time I will be able to come to terms with having lost him so early, and with his untimely death. But for now, I still feel restless and unreconciled and peace and equanimity elude me to this day.

I loved the quote from the musical Evita, "I have not left you, although it may be harder for you to see me." True, very true.

Hope you and Steve are staying safe and healthy and are finding meaningful ways to stay busy. I think of you often and am sending love and big hugs your way. Take care, my friend!

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 6, 2021 at 1:24am

OMG hahahahaha..I nearly fell off my chair just now..when I read she FINDS THINGS for you! I must ask Bob a gazillion times a day to find stuff...and he DOES! Sometimes,the item was NOT there before..it’s like he PLACES objects for me! He never fails!

Comment by DJ on August 6, 2021 at 12:59am
Mary Jane, that is just how I am with Jill -- once I was out of the fog. Every now and then something triggers me and I choke up, but otherwise I just talk to her throughout the day. I attribute to her all the good things that happen to/for me (finding misplaced items, dodging a calamity (like dropping my phone and it lands on a scrap of lawn in the middle of a rock pile), being in the right place at the right time, etc). I cannot see, hear, or touch her, but I am calmed by behaving like she is here - a secret we keep between us lest folks think I'm bonkers for talking to myself. BTW, Deb, I've only had one dream of her - just as I was coming out of the fog - she kissed me on the cheek; I felt it and woke up. My good days quickly overtook my bad days after that; now they're all good days because she’s with me.
Comment by Mary. Jane on August 5, 2021 at 11:25pm

Hello everyone..I have an odd take on Trina’s anniversary date..I thought about this all day. For me, it seems different..I don,t miss the loss of Bob, cuz to me, he is always with me.Every morning, when I wake up, I turn on the coffee, and wander out to the porch to have a cigarette. As the sky lightens I look at one particular area of the sky each morning..and say “Good morning, God. Good morning, Bob” I have this vision of Bob up there, with another fellow, who in my mind, is God. And my heart lifts, cuz I know he is ok, and watching over me. Bob is always with me..all day and night..I talk to him constantly, cuz I know he is listening.His life here on earth ended 5 years ago but his life with me is omnipresent.

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 5, 2021 at 6:19pm

Hi Deb,

I just read your question about dreaming if our spouses are leaving us in real life,  I actually had those dreams BEFORE Ken died.   That's how I knew I was going to lose him even though the doctors were telling me otherwise.  I would dream that he left me and didn't want to be found, he would leave his wallet and phone so I couldn't find him.  Once he died, those dreams stopped.

Your husband absolutely loved you.  Your dreams may just be your minds way of accepting that he had to leave and unfortunately you weren't able to stop it

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 5, 2021 at 6:10pm

Hi friends,

I'm sorry I dropped off for a while.  I'll have to catch up on reading the posts.

The past few months have been crazy.  My mother's been sick since March and just got home from her third hospital stay since then but still with no answers.  The doctor's have never seen her issue before and all tests have come back negative so they basically keep passing her around. 

My father in-law passed away in May.  I'm sure he's happy to be reunited with Ken.

The most scary thing is my niece just spent a week in a Boston hospital.  It's never good when a local hospital sends a patient to a Boston hospital because the issue is too big for them.  How it is that a healthy 17 year old's life can be in jeopardy from one spin box class blows my mind.  She was released a week ago on her 18th birthday only because she wore the doctors down.  She'll still be under a doctor's care for a bit longer.

It's not all bad though.  I'm grateful to have my health, to still be employed through the pandemic, to be able to get out and see friends more etc.  I've been thinking about you all frequently and apologize again for not checking in sooner.

Love you all,

Sara 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 5, 2021 at 1:10pm

Dear Trina,

I'm sorry yesterday got by me without posting this to you - I had a note by my desktop but it got shuffled under other papers.

7 years without Joseph must seem like an eternity. I lost Larry 6 years ago last April and that seemed unfathomable to me on that day.

I hope that you felt Joseph near you in your heart and continue to do so always, because I still believe that from someplace we can only imagine our loved ones continue to watch over us , even though we may not feel their presence always. 

A line from the musical play "Evita" always comes to mind when I ponder these type of thoughts... something along the lines of "I have not left you, although it may be harder for you to see me."

I send a hug to you and much love - 

Chuck

 

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