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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Universe

Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on December 24, 2020 at 4:09pm

Dear Deb P ...  I am so sorry that you are feeling down and out, but you are not alone.  We all know with this Covid it has changed so much in our lives.  Everyone is anxious and if living alone (I do with my dogs) it's even lonlier so I understand how you feel.  My tree is up and I turn it on and in the evening put my fireplace on and cozy up.  Try to watch something decent on TV and do the best I can.

British Columbia isn't as restrictive as the U.S.  I am able to go to my families for Christmas dinner (very small group and in what they call, 'my bubble.')  I was so looking forward to seeing everyone and they are planning to have a family picture taken.  Wouldn't you just know it though; I got the 'Green apple two step' and been rushing back and forth to the washroom and feeling terrible.  No, it's not Covid.  I've rested well and taken Imodium and OK during the day, but woke up this morning and had it all over again so it looks like I'll be staying home.  I just sat down and bawled.  I won't be with my family and have the joy of watching my great niece and nephew open their gifts.  I'm still bawling my head off more out of frustration than anything.  Also, (this is funny in a way) I went to get my black slacks ready to wear a couple of days ago and they don't fit!  Since Covid I didn't realize I had put on some weight.  I don't feel I can make it out to get new slacks so here I sit.  

So my dear friend, when you feel blue on Christmas remember that this lady is also going through the same thing.  So cozy up and if you can put the fireplace on and realize others are not able to be with their families.  Easy to say and hard to do I know.  

Love & Hugs

Marsha

Comment by deborah peck on December 24, 2020 at 9:28am

To all of my friends, thank you for your words of wisdom it makes me feel not alone. I pray that all these surgeries stop for Steve, that you finally get a break.. I surely hope we get a break from this Covid thing, its getting too cold here for walks except on the occasional warmer day so I am at home, I usually order groceries so don't go out for that but I too have my craft room which I love to spend time in. But my Christmas wish is Peace for everyone. love you all Deb

Comment by Sara Murphy on December 23, 2020 at 9:18pm

HI Deb....I'm sorry today has been a hard day for you. 

For me it's the whole fall season that's tough beginning with Ken's birthday in Oct, then my bday in Nov, Thanksgiving , Christmas, New Year's and the anniversary of his passing in Jan.  This Christmas is harder because we can't have family gatherings so I'll be staying home (although I may sneak over to my brother's for a little bit).  I'm going to do the best I can to think about Christmas as just a Friday instead.  We'll see how that goes.

Praying that all my friends here have a peaceful holiday

Love, Sara

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on December 23, 2020 at 9:15pm

Dear Deborah,

 I'm sorry you are having a hard time now - you are right that many of us are feeling as you do, myself included. The constant background drumbeat of losses to Covid and the way it has forced us into isolation exacerbates my already raw nerves. This year I have started dreaming more frequently of my parents, past friends and of course, of Larry. They are not unhappy dreams, but the feelings they invoke upon waking can derail me for the day if I let them. I can't indulge myself too much because we are still dealing with more surgeries for Steve - yes, again. We are both getting worn down emotionally by this prolonged period of healing, and I am not happy that we are repeatedly having to be in situations and environments in which we may be exposed. Especially now that there is a newly arrived more contagious strain. 

Steve indulges my periodic ranting about the idiocy of so much of the public who deny or ignore safety precautions, to say nothing of my strong (to put it politely) feelings about the circus surrounding the current transition into a new administration.

I personally can only calm myself by immersing myself in sewing and craft projects, even though I never seem to finish any of them and they would seem to many as ridiculously tedious and banal. Two or more hours hand-sewing the cuff of a sleeve of a doll dress could easily be thought of as "basket weaving", but it keeps me out of the kitchen. That is my other obsession - cooking. This invariably leads to eating, and I don't suggest following my example there unless you like wearing stretch pants every day - or a mumu. 

All I can wish for you Deborah is that you manage to go one day at a time, and as Steve says allowing yourself to feel your grief and cry when you need to. And mostly, I want to thank you for giving me the push to post about how I'm feeling - I've been so distracted by the situation with Steve's ongoing medical issues that Hanukkah passed by without my commenting, and Christmas was in danger of doing so. 

I send my love and a big hug to everyone, and will keep you updated as soon as we know the date of Steve's next surgery - the doctor suggested New Year's Eve, but hadn't checked with the hospital of his scheduler yet. Some way to ring in the new year, huh?

Merry Christmas to all, and wishing you peace of spirit and heart and health of mind and body -

Love, Chuck

Comment by Steve G. on December 23, 2020 at 6:37pm

Debora,

I find myself reflecting on the past more often during the holidays.  This year is harder for me than ever.  I do not feel safe outside of our home, I have to go out to the doctor's office and even there I do not feel safe.  So the memories are flooding my conscience mind.  It has been 6 years since Mark passed, for me, I force myself to focus on the happy memories, it helps, it takes a lot out of me.  I also love to read, so this year I ordered a newt Sci-fi novel and that takes my imagination to all sorts of new places for hours.

I also watch a lot of the old Christmas movies (and yes I cry through these).  Watching them helps me remember the good memories and though I have seen some of these movies several times, I find something I forgot about or find something new.  All distractions are helpful, I even call or text friends and family; and yet sometimes late at night I just tear up and have a good cry.

Go easy on yourself, cry when you want to, let it out.

Thank you for sharing today, you have helped me remember that Legacy is the place where we get help and know without a doubt that we are not as alone as we think we are.

Keeping you in my prayers and sending all my love and hugs to you.  

Steve

Comment by deborah peck on December 23, 2020 at 1:41pm

Today has been very hard for me, since Greg passed the holidays have been the same as far as everypne still being together but this year will be so different with everyone staying home. So I find myself getting weepier the closer it gets, I ve tried to pretend its okay but I am at the end of my pretending ,I know a lot of you are feeling this way to so tell my what you do to get thru it, I am just feeling empty.

Comment by Marsha H on December 16, 2020 at 6:11am

Sara you have always been such a dear.  I find with this C-19 my brain has turned to mush and so many people here in Canada and where I live find they are low on energy and sleeping more.  I hope you and your family are doing well and of course I think of each and everyone on here and pray you are all kept healthy and safe.  So far I'm very lucky and do my best to wear the mask, etc.  Lots I am blessed with.  So glad I have my pets to keep me company.  As I said to Steve, I have my friends phoning me so at least I know there are still humans out there.  LOL

Keep safe and healthy Sara.

Big virtual hug back to you,

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 16, 2020 at 6:05am

Steve ...  How thoughtful of you to post during your own rough time and I so appreciate it.  I think of you and Chuck often and I have to admit the lockdown has gotten to me a little.  I still get out grocery shopping and walking the dogs, but really miss seeing my friends (even though we phone each other) and celebrating Christmas.  Also loved going to the Candlelight Service at the church, but all churches are closed here.  I get through each day knowing that others are far worse off than I am and I give myself a good slap on the cheek and get going again. 

I hope you are both feeling better and enjoy your Christmas together.   Hug Chuck for me! 

Much love

Marsha

Comment by Sara Murphy on December 14, 2020 at 8:33pm

HI Marsha.....It's nice to hear from you.  I'm sorry you're having a hard time and am sending positive thoughts your way.   I'm also sending you a virtual hug

Love to you

Sara

Comment by Steve G. on December 14, 2020 at 7:00am

Thank you Marsha,

Sending hugs and love, beautiful song, perfect for today and the days ahead.

Stay safe and be well

All my love

Steve

 

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