Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Grief so great it hurts

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Comment by Donna C. on April 18, 2010 at 12:51am
I am at the 8th month tomorrow since my husband died. I must say of all the hurts I've had in my life, this pain in my heart is by far the worst. It goes on all the time in the background of my life. If I have any time to myself, thoughts of him come back to me immediately. I keep going over and over his last days and how horrible each day was until his last day. I don't exactly know now how I got through everything. Day 1, the heart catheterization, Day 2 the triple bypass. Day 3 kidney failure and they put him on the dialysis machine. Day 4 the circulation in his legs was shutting down so I had to give permission for them to do a fasciotomy to relieve pressure in his legs. That was only Tuesday. Wednesday, Day, 5 I got the phonecall early -- I had till noon to decide to give permission to them to amputate his legs. He would die if I didn't. So, I decided for life, without legs. All of these days he was in the cardio intensive care, kept unconscious as they normally do after a triple bypass. So I could not talk to him to see what he would have wanted. I could only guess. So somehow we got through Wednesday. They stabilized him Thursday and Friday, Days 6 and 7. Day 8, Saturday morning, he had to have more surgery -- they warned me this might happen -- to amputate his legs above the knees instead of below. So, they cut off more. Sunday, Day 9, he rested. They backed him off just enough medicine so that he opened his eyes and would move sometimes but would not respond directly to a request. It was so nice to see his hazel eyes! When I visited and spoke to him, he raised his eyebrows as if pleasantly surprised to see me. I tell myself that, anyway. There was not really any kind of response you could call communication. I talked to him and fussed over him, and told him I loved him, and sang to him. I came back Monday, Day 10, and his eyes were still open, but he was less animated than on Sunday. Since I could see his eyes, I thought he would be starting to recover. All our friends planned all the re-arrangements we would make to make room for his wheelchair when he would come home. Everyone had visited and prayed. Day 11, I came in at 9:00 a.m. before work and his cardiologist was there. He said, "I can't save him". All of his body's systems were steadily shutting down. Visitors and family came and went all that day. I sat by him all day. In the afternoon they took out his breathing tube. Late in the afternoon all the visitors left so I could be alone with him to say good-bye one last time. Then we all stood by him and listened to him breathe, and at six o'clock he stopped breathing. I relive these days over and over and over again and it has been 8 months now and it is the darnedest thing after all that I still can't believe he's gone. I know he is but so many times I just can't wrap my mind around it. He was only 62. We never knew how really ill he was, how his heart and circulation had been slowly weakening over several years. He wouldn't go to the doctor, and was so strong and stubborn and he was still walking around doing most of the things he had always done. Being the husband, father, grandfather and teacher he had always been. And then all this horrible stuff came relentlessly at the end and then we could never talk again or say good-bye really. I just don't understand. Everything since that day has felt wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. It wasn't supposed to be this way. This wasn't supposed to happen. We were supposed to grow old together. We were such good friends. I had no idea how much I depended on his being there. Just knowing he loved me. This pain is never ending. I don't know how people go on. I know they do, but I really don't understand how. It just hurts all the time. Everything is so unreal. Everything is wrong now.
Comment by BoLynn on April 17, 2010 at 11:32pm
If you do expect attention,sympathy or company after it is all over, you're in for a rude awakening. I for one was shocked at how everyone went on to business as usual so fast. I didn't expect much, but a call every once in a while would have been nice. My family and BFF's were there for me after and one of his good friends would call and see how I was doing for the first month, but zero from his family and other friends. I guess life goes on.
Comment by Rachael on April 17, 2010 at 6:12pm
Can anyone recomend a good book or movie for my kids in their time of mourning the loss of their father? I have 2 daughters 4 and 11 yrs old. My husband passed away last July 13, 2009.
Comment by Cathy on April 17, 2010 at 5:09pm
I lost my husband to colon cancer when he was 47. My son was 13 at the time. My husband's cancer was misdiagnosed and very advanced when it was finally diagnosed. He fought very hard to stay alive for almost 4 years. It seemed like there was support from friends when he was first diagnosed, but as the disease consumed him, more people (some life long friends became distant). When he died, I felt some support for the first 6 months, but then nothing. The worst thing for me was that all of my son's life long friends suddenly avoided him. The house used to be full of friends, then NOTHING. I know 13 is an age when friendships change, but I can't help but believe that a lot of the avoidance was because of his friend's discomfort. It is hard to heal, when others won't even let you acknowledge your loss.
Comment by Cindy Boivin on April 17, 2010 at 3:47pm
It's been 9 months since my husband has passed and sometimes the pain is just unbearable
Comment by Dixie Olson on April 17, 2010 at 1:24am
Its been five years since my beloved husband died in my arms, why it's bothering me tonight I dont know, its this house i live in, there not a corner in it that my husband hasnt been in, I see all the woodwork items he made for me and i tear up. Just yesterday I saw a couple(seem to be) in there 80's heading into the cancer doctor, both frail but so cute as they held hands although they trembled and I asked why couldnt that be me and my husband? We had 40 good years together and I wouldnt want to go and see a doctor for cancer i just wished I could be holding Don's hand. Goodnight my beloved, Im not sure how soon Ill see you again, you know it's in God's hands..Just missing you tonight, lv>me
Comment by Donna Bills on April 16, 2010 at 9:32pm
I lost my husband in 2007 I'm still grieving life is so hard to go without him I can't drive any more or do much of any thing else life is just so hard. He was only 63 years old and we were only married 4 years. Why does it have to hurt so much?
Comment by heather on April 16, 2010 at 2:41pm
It's been three weeks since my spouse Jim passed away I'm still so sad and I miss my husband and best friend 15 years we spent together, I wanted to grow old with him but God had other plans. I love you sweetheart wait for me we will join each other someday I love you
Comment by BoLynn on April 16, 2010 at 2:42am
Loni was a very lucky lady, Tom. We were all so lucky to have been blessed with a great love.
Comment by Diane on April 16, 2010 at 2:41am
Tom, your 11 little ones are so cute! What ages are they , and what breed ? My husband & I had no children, but we have 4 cats, & I thank God for them because they are keeping me going, and I also can't sleep ...Dianel

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