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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 20, 2019 at 11:02am

Dear Jan,

I am so sorry for your loss of Ron, and welcome you to our "family" as I call us. I lost my husband Larry in 2015 to cancer, and was getting more and more lost in grief until I found this site. Much has changed in my life, but the empty place in my heart is permanent. I no longer believe in trying to fill it with something or someone else (actually, I never did), but rather accept it as part of my new anatomy. It is lonely and sometimes aches, and casts back echoes when I ask into that space "Where are you now?"

That said, I feel Larry's presence and receive unexpected signs and reminders in many ways that he somewhere is still watching my struggles and sending his love and strength.

One week from today will be Larry's and my 36th anniversary, celebrated on the day I proposed to him since back in 1983 there was no availability of us getting married.

The first feather Larry sent me came from a clear blue sky on a still sunny day in summer of 2015. I sat outside staring into the woods behind our house telling him that I just hadn't a clue how I was supposed to do this, meaning to go on without him. Tears running down my face, I turned it upward and saw something far above my descending toward me. I watched holding my breath as it floated closer and past my face to land directly at my feet - a perfect blue jay feather, Larry's favorite bird. I didn't have to wonder for a second - I knew it was from Larry as a way to say that I wasn't alone.

I saw more feathers over the weeks of that summer, but began questioning whether they were merely a form of wishful magical thinking on my part until the morning of August 27th. I walked out to the yard on a sunny day and glanced around for a feather, seeing none, I started walking to the driveway to go retrieve the newspaper saying aloud "Happy Anniversary my love, but today couldn't you have sent me a feather of all days?"

As I rounded the corner of the house, something flashed so brightly in the driveway it caught my attention and I froze in place. There, in a beam of strong sunlight, rested the most perfect and largest feather I had ever seen - from a wild turkey, of which there were many in our area. No signs of struggle, no damage at all - just flashing iridescent colors from this beautiful long tail feather right in my path. I have never since that moment doubted the reality of signs being sent to us from our loved ones to convey messages of comfort, encouragement, and of course of their undying love for us.

Jan, I hope the stories and friends you will find here give you some support and comfort as they have me. As Diane C says, we are a nice group of people who accept and understand each other's circumstances without judgement, offering only what help we can give through sharing our stories and experiences.

Wishing you a peaceful day -

Love, Chuck 

Comment by deborah peck on August 20, 2019 at 9:16am

When my Greg passed away or minutes before he did I told him if he was around he would send a blue jay as he said he had never seen one in the wild. Since then Ive caught glimpses of one in my yard but never actually sure if it actually was one. 2 days ago I had a bad day, spent the morning crying and the rest of the day close to tears, I went out to sit on my deck that evening and was fighting tears when there was a lot of noise and squawking from my bird feeders and in flew a big Blue Jay that sat in the tree I planted for Greg and only stayed a minute but I knew with absolute certainty that it was Sent by Greg to let me know it was okay, brought me much peace and I thanked him . miss him every second of every day but I know hes still looking out for me and that brings me peace,

Comment by deborah peck on August 20, 2019 at 9:10am

hi Janet and welcome to our group, sorry for the reason but happy to have you. this is a great group of people that really care, its only been 2 years for me but seems like forever, there is a suicide group on this site too that you might be interested in also, I save all the feathers that I find.

Comment by Janet McDaniel on August 20, 2019 at 7:43am

Thank you, Diane. I wish none of us had to be here, but I'm glad this place exists. I'm sorry that you lost Rich. Twenty-five years is a long time. Certain times of year are harder for me. May is when Ron died, the day after his birthday. Our wedding anniversary was in June, as is Father's Day. I imagine August is particularly hard for you.

I think signs and dreams are helpful. I've found such a change in myself since he died. He had struggled valiantly with depression, but as he got older and started taking antidepressants, he got worse and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a few years before his suicide.  

I'm still learning to use this site. Please let me know if something I post belongs in another area. Thanks.

Comment by Diane C on August 19, 2019 at 11:27am
Hi Janet,
Welcome to our site. Although no one wants to be here, it is a really nice group of people. We are all here for the same reason. Some of us much longer than others. My journey began 7 years ago, on August 1st. It was our 25th wedding anniversary when my husband Rich died from pancreatic cancer. It was only a year from his diagnosis until his death. I still miss him with every breath I take. Some days are better than others, and every time I get a feather, I am elated. Your beautiful white feather sounds just that, beautiful and another connection to your husband Ron. Take care and I hope you find our group helpful.
Comment by Janet McDaniel on August 18, 2019 at 4:30pm

Hello,

It's wonderful to read about these feathers and how you are staying connected to the ones you lost. I'm new to this group but not new to losing a precious spouse. It's been twelve years now, and that is almost unbelievable. 

I do still feel my husband's presence in my life. I've found (and been sent) feathers now and then. One, a small, beautiful, white feather, was sent inside a gift my daughter had ordered for me. It was a bracelet, and she had chosen another token to come with it, but there the feather was...and I felt it was another connection to Ron.

Jan

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 14, 2019 at 6:23pm

The last feather I received was while standing in line at the county fair. It was a tiny one, but I picked it up and put it in my purse, then in a tiny jar at home.

i am in Northern CA now..and they r having a HORRIBLE heat wave. Today it was 100 degrees..of dry heat. Beat all the records...it would b ok..IF I had central AC...but I don,t...so I just sit here, in front of a portable little AC the kids got me. (Daughter and her hubby) it actually works really well..my only other option is a SWAMP COOLER. Which chills the hallway..but not the bedrooms..they have no fans. Ironically, it is better than OK..which has the humidity

Sara, it is nice to see you posting.

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 14, 2019 at 11:37am
Hi Everyone....Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I do check in and read your posts but I've been behind lately and by the time I'm reading them, the conversations have moved on so I don't post.
Mary Jane....I'm glad you're settling in better and taking control of your life. I know this move was a big shock to your system and sense of security but in the long run, it's good for you to be in close proximity to your daughter.

I haven't received a feather from Ken in a while. I have received other signs so I always know when he's around but I'll have to beg him for a feather. It's a tangible sign that I can hold on to. He knows the rules though. He's not allowed to send me a feather at work because there are so many Canadian geese or turkeys that feathers in the parking lot don't count.

Sending my love to my Legacy family
Sara
Comment by Diane C on August 9, 2019 at 7:33am

Hi Chuck,

That is an awesome idea for the "feather tree". I would love to make one myself, if you don't mind me borrowing your idea. I like the idea of it keeping us busy and off the streets for a while too.  ; )  It is such a wonderful thought that our loved ones (Mark, Larry and Rich) send these to us. They always bring a huge smile to my face when I see one. Thank you again for the great idea!! Hope all is well with you and Steve.

Love to you both!!

Diane

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 8, 2019 at 11:22pm

Hi Diane C,

I agree it is nice to see some of our friends sharing again here! I just wanted to tell you what I plan to do with the bag of feathers Stteve ad I have collected from Mark and Larry over the last few years. There are quite a few, still coming, and in all sizes and colors. I hope to find a small Styrofoam tree shaped form and stick them in to create a Christmas tree decoration to which we can add feathers as they are sent to fill it in. I will start with the larger ones at the bottom and save the smallest for the top "branches". Anyway, it will be nice to see this expression of Mark and Larry's continued watchfulness and love at the Holidays - and it will keep me busy and off the streets!

Love, Chuck 

PS - Yes, Marsha - we're waiting.....XOXOXO

 

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