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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Diane C on August 8, 2019 at 11:26am

Here's another NUT from the tree... So glad to see some of you posting again. Funny how we all sit back and wait for someone to make the posting move, as we all wonder how everyone is and hoping everyone is ok. So glad to hear Steve talking about feathers again. Rich sends me feathers occasionally, but I haven't had any this entire spring/summer. While walking through my yard last week, I said something out loud to Rich that I really missed the feathers. He produced just as I expected him to, I have had 3 in as many days. One day last year, I was feeling especially low and inside the garage, was a beautiful yellow and orange feather. I looked it up and it came from a woodpecker of some sort. Beautiful feather and IN my garage. I knew it was Rich trying to help me through my situation. I have a bag full of feathers, trying to decide what to do with some of the nicer "special" ones. I also believe he sends me hummingbirds. Because we always had trouble attracting them in the past. Not anymore, they are hitting the feeders hard. So nice to have small memories and gifts as I call them. Glad to hear from some of the family. Glad to hear you are coming around MaryJane.... Get that AC running and hopefully you can get more unpacking done. Hang in there, its bound to get better. Waiting to hear from Marsha.... miss you girl!!

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 8, 2019 at 11:06am

Gilroy is very close to my new home. The garlic festival has been  yearly event for decades.and I had been watching the festival LIVE on TV, as a local news lady interviewed  happy fair goers, etc BEFORE the shootings, enjoying the day. It was like I was there. One lady and a camera..reporting LIVE on the local channel. Suddenly,  people around her started screaming, running past her, etc. I watched the horror for the next 5 hours...unable to turn it off.

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH???  How many people have to die before the gun laws change? 3 shootings in 3 days? WTF, people? But nothing will be done. If Sandy Hook didn,t change the laws, what will?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?????

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 8, 2019 at 10:40am

OMG...I am so happy to hear from everyone! I have been living in a sort of Twilight Zone the last month...and not hearing anything from my Legacy family..was scary. Chuck, I didn,t get your email..but no surprise, EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING; big things, little things..has gone wrong. I won,t elaborate..but after my shock and frustration for the last few weeks..it is a GIFT to hear from y’all. The worst part, is I have lost my memory! (ie:...Last week Melinda and I were trying to set up one bathroom as a guest bathroom..like I had in OK...and I COULDN,T REMEMBER WHAT MY BATHROOM LOOKED LIKE! She was so frustrated with me. My life of a few weeks ago was MISSSSING from my brain! I had to look at the listing of my former home on ZILLOW to see the pictures, to recall it! Last night, one of my 3 best friends reminded me I was the same way when I moved to Oklahoma 15 years ago.and that was a huge relief. .

Then Sunday morning, I received a HUGE wake up call about my beloved cat, Rudy. (After Bob died..he became “my BABY”. I projected all my love and attention on him..everything revolved around his pleasure)...when I got here, my life continued that way..I was terrified something would happen to him, and he would die..he might break through a secure screen, so I wouldn,t open the windows too far..and was afraid to set up my portable A/C my SIL had purchased.even tho it is like a HOTBOX inside.this home..I was afraid he might get stuck behind boxes, I spent all my time worrying about his welfare..he sleeps on the bed with me all night, and when I take naps..I didn,t realize how far over the edge I had gone..obsessing and fearful to the extent of diminishing my moving forward with my new home. It was driving my daughter NUTS.My entire world revolved around Obcessive FEAR that he would die in some accident here...crippling my moving forward and unpacking, willing to live in a SWELTERING home..so he wouldn,t get crushed by the rolling A/C and die. SORRY FOR THE LENGTHY POST..but I wanted y’all to understand how crazy I had become.

Soooo, The quick version: in trying to get me to wake up and play with the toys he had brought up to the bed, he JUMPED at me, and BIT my exposed forearm..(he has done this before, with a gentle NIP) but this time, I JERKED my arm away..with his teeth still embedded in my arm, causing 4 HUGE  GOUGES in the flesh. It was deep and bleeding, and I was SHOCKED, angry, etc..and AFRAID..but it was a wake up call. (Yes I saw a DR). and “woke up”realizing finally, for all his 10 years of love, he is still an ANIMAL. I am still afraid he might do it again..unbelievably, that night, instead of putting HIM out of the bedroom I slept in the spare room! This is how far over the edge I had gone. No wonder Melinda has been so upset with me...

in one month I have become old, diminished, fearful, a shadow of my former self..but yesterday, I was able to unpack 3 large boxes..an the more I did, the better I felt. I am starting to wake up and take control over things I am able to do...as Melinda has done most of it...but I need to step up. Another quick post coming, about what Chuck said about the shootings.

Comment by deborah peck on August 8, 2019 at 8:26am

Mary Jane, I don't get on much anymore, sometimes it seems like a painful reminder, other times it makes me not feel alone. I just got back from a vacation up north to Canada and north and south Dakota, saw mount Rushmore and many wondeful things but couldn't wait to get home to my kids all are grown but being away from them was so hard, first vacation without them since Greg passed and I think I need them for that connection. Hope everyone is doing well, summer is nearing its end and the kids start here on the 12th, will be kinda glad to not be watching my grandson all day as he starts kindergarten this year but also will be lonely, I think I am never satisfied like most of us I wish for what I don't really want, does that make sense? but am happiest just chillin with family or friends. love to you all

Comment by Steve G. on August 8, 2019 at 7:58am

Hi Mary Jane and everyone else in our Legacy family;

Monday of this week I found a blue jay feather in the front yard.  I was adding height to two sprinkler heads and filling in the soil that had washed away on that side of the drive, there is was just sitting there right next to the sprinkler head,

I picked it up and immediately was taken back to the first blue jay feather I found one Sunday morning while walking thru an empty lot with my sweet Bella.  Coffee and donuts in hand for Mark, me and Bella.  This first feather was shinning as the sun was hitting it just right.  Bella noticed it and sniffed it and then looked at me like "are you going to pick it up or not" look she often gave me on our walks.  So I picked it up to show Mark, Bella and I often found interesting things along our walks and Mark always wanted to see them and then put them somewhere or use them in one of his projects.

It just so happens that it was spring of 2014, Mark passed on November 30th of that same year.  He placed that feather on one of his little stuffed bears he collected.  I had forgotten all about that feather until one day someone on legacy posted about finding feathers.  Long story short, it was that feather that eventually connected me and Chuck together sort of.  I and he exchanged emails privately and I told him this story in one of my emails.   To this day we both find feathers when neither one of us are expecting to.  We feed the birds in the back yard, I put up a small covered area over the patio for grilling, the two glass shelves on either side is where Chuck puts out his buffet for the birds.

We never find feathers in the back yard, but we do have a family of cardinals, blue jays and a lot of sparrows and gray doves.  We have film on the windows that reflect the sun's rays in the afternoon, but even in the morning we can see our but the birds cannot see us.

Memories and dreams keep us all aware of what we are or have gone through and I think they continue to heal us, 

Hugs and love to all, 

from one of the "Nuts"

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 8, 2019 at 12:43am

Hi Mary Jane

Yes it has been quiet here. I am glad you posted because I have been wondering how you are settling in to your new home. Steve and I are surviving the august heat for which Texas is known.  I am NOT a fan of hot weather, so stay indoors. I sent you an email, but don't know if you received it. All things told, I guess I just am struggling finding joy after watching what has been happening around the country lately.

Hope you and your kitty are making some friends there and resting up after the whirlwind of packing and moving. It took me months after we finally found this house to "catch my breath". We think of you, and everyone here - maybe it sounds silly, but I miss you guys  - you're like my family who I don't want to pester but at the same time feel neglected if I don't hear from you. So thank you for shaking the tree as it were - maybe some more "nuts" will fall out! (just kidding).

Love, Chuck 

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 7, 2019 at 11:00am

Hello to all. Ok, is it just me? Am I the only one who has posted in a week or more? Is everyone here ok? Is anyone still here? 

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 31, 2019 at 1:50am

I take a nap every afternoon..mostly I don,t dream, but today I had the strangest dream...it is kinda of detailed, but the short version, I dreamt of a couple, Sam and Gloria I haven,t seen in years, but are related to me by marriage., Sam, the  husband died about 6 weeks ago. In my dream, they were creating a guest list for an event..they were young, like I had last seen them..Sam was laughing, joking, being so attentive to Gloria...smiling at me..Bob was with me, and had taken me to see them. When I woke up..I felt like I had been given a message to pass on  to Gloria...to tell her that Sam was with her, and would always be. Yeah,I know...but   It was SO STRONG...so I will contact her..and tell her...cuz I believe it really WAS a message from him. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Strangely, Sam who died, was vital, young and full of life, and Gloria was a bit faded and quieter. I don,t know if that means anything. But when I woke, I know I have to give Gloria that message.

Sadly, it was also one of those dreams, that when I awoke..for a minute, I forgot that Bob had died..and then I remembered he was really gone, and I felt such a deep loss all over again.

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 25, 2019 at 6:56pm

I can only speak as a HUGE extrovert..(no surprise here lol) and as one, we extroverts selfishly assume, incorrectly, that everyone is like us..and when we meet someone who is quiet and shy...we jump to the assumption that we aren,t liked by them...I know..that is ridiculous, so when I meet someone  who is non talkative, etc..I announce that I hope “ I don,t offend, but I never shut up!” Somehow that seems to break the ice a bit...I actually have a very close friend who I realized after nearly 40 years, she didn,t talk a lot in social situations...when I called her on it..and admitted I had no idea she was uncomfortable with people she didn,t know..as she had always been friendly with me..she told me straight up that was because I just kept talking to her, and haven,t shut up for years! And, BTW, her husband died  few years before Bob did...and he was a total extrovert. 

Comment by Marsha H on July 25, 2019 at 5:23pm

My dear family ...  Here is a good article for introverted people and it explains how you should handle it (feel comfortable in your own skin) but other helpful hints.  I hope it helps as those who are grieving and introverted it's a tougher journey.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/grieving-when-youre-an-introvert_b_9...

Much love

Marsha

 

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