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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Yvonne on March 19, 2010 at 3:20pm
LeAnne I am so sorry for your loss. Friends and family cannot understand the depth of your grief unless they have gone through it themselves. It is very unlike anything you have ever gone through in your life before. When someone asks me what it is like to lose my husband, I tell them that it is a million times worse than you could ever imagine it would be. Unfortunately society seems to think we should be back to our normal selves in a couple of weeks. Not happening. First of all we are dazed and confused and are not sure where to now. Our old normal is gone and we are struggling every day just to survive. They can't possibly understand. Go at your own pace and do what it best for you and don't let anyone rush you. You have come to the right place, here you will find understanding, support, and people who will not judge you because we are all going through the same thing and handling it in our own way. Take time for you.
Take care Yvonne
Comment by kathleen caylor on March 19, 2010 at 3:13pm
LeAnne,Unless they have walked in your shoes,I'm sure they don't.As I stood in front of my husbands coffin and spoke some words to the crowd,I then noticed my friends who had lost their spouses.I then realized I had joined their "club".You know I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend to them in their time of grief.Now I understand!
Comment by LeAnne on March 19, 2010 at 1:53pm
Sometimes I wonder if friends really understand how hard it is to move on, they except me to just jump into things like i use to do. My husband of 31 years died at 49 yrs old on Dec 2009. He suffer of cancer.
Comment by kathleen caylor on March 19, 2010 at 7:29am
I think it's called surviving!I'm afraid winning is not the objective.Living with our loss is.We were on a high with Brigitte's post.And it felt good to be able to laugh with everyone.Back to everyday living.But you are a "winner" and because of Loni's love you can go on.We'll smile for a while and we'll cry for awhile.Such is life without our loved ones.Find some peace,Kathy
Comment by Paul Bennett on March 18, 2010 at 10:33pm
For Kathy Obiedzinski:

You don't need to second-guess yourself. People make suggestions that seem to them to be helpful, but if a suggestion doesn't seem to be helpful, then trust yourself to decline. As for her insensitive remark ... well, is your friend often so out of tune with your feelings? Is she actually a bit mean-spirited? Or was it one of those startling things that that people sometimes come out with when they are genuinely trying to be helpful? If you notice that, maybe it will help you to decide whether you want to be around this person now. It really is your choice.

As you read through the postings and comments on this site, you'll see that even people who have been through similar events -- like losing a spouse -- have widely different experiences. Maybe we can have a little compassion for people who haven't had this experience and say something that is hurtful. And being compassionate and forgiving doesn't mean we have to put ourselves in the way of their insensitivity, if insensitivity or unkindness is their pattern.

Paul Bennett
www.lovinggrief.com
Comment by brenda horne on March 18, 2010 at 8:18pm
comment by Brenda Horne
for Kathy Obiedzinski
sorry to tell you this but you will always have people say comments like this to you they have no idea what you are going thru i lost my husband of 32 years to cancer in feb.2008 the people that say these kind of things to you are not worth the time to make a comment back to walking away was the best way to handle it in my opinion i would distance myself from this person and if she were to ever ask me why i would then tell her how much her comment hurt me people want you to get out after you have lost a loved one they think it is the best thing for you but it has not been for me everywhere i go all i see are couples and i say to myself why are they still together why did it have to be me that lost my husband i know people lose loved ones daily but i sometimes feel all alone 5 months after my husband passed i went to a fourth of july celebration at church i started crying so hard watching all the families with their kids having fun until i had a panic attack and had to be rushed by ambulance to the hospital i thought i was having a heart attack after three days in ICU and numerous test i was told my heart was fine that it had been a panic attack i am now seeing a psycologist that is a great help for me i am getting better as you will also but it takes a while and it will not end completely until my heart stops beating my husband was my everything i miss him every minute dont let anyone force you into anything if they get upset and dont understand in my opinion they were never your friend i am praying for you and if you need to talk again please feel free to contact me it helps so much to talk to someone who knows how you feel God bless you my friend
Comment by Ron Adkins on March 18, 2010 at 2:40pm
For Kathy Obiedzinski:

It takes more strength to just walk away then it does to succumb to strange peer pressures from a group of people who, in effect, think they know what's best for, you as if going to dinner with them is so special.



I respect your decision to do exactly what you did. This has less to do with your husband passing (my opinion) and a lot more to do with you copping with your personal circumstances. You are moving on with your life, not easily, but certainly. You should be very,very, proud of yourself. It's exactly what your husband would have said to you. He is smiling down and very happy with what he sees.



Ron
Comment by kathy carlson on March 18, 2010 at 10:47am
we all miss you, Josie still runs thro the house looking for you! The kids are all well & settleing down. Love you, kathy
Comment by Yvonne on March 17, 2010 at 12:34am
That is beautiful Walter. Brought a smile to my face and I could imagine you smiling as you wrote it. I know the song you are talking about. One of my favorites. This morning when I turned on the stereo, Just a little patience was playing, and when I got in the truck to go to the store Turn the Page was playing. I think my Larry was thinking of me. I saw him in my dreams the other night. I remember being upset that no one else could see him but he reached out to hold my hand and it was warm and it really made me feel good. Just a few ramblings. Have a good night all and take care. Yvonne
Comment by Walter Crowley on March 17, 2010 at 12:03am
Two short stories to tell as a respones to the earlier comments regarding humor. About a week after my wife passed away( my wife was a very loud snorer) I woke up about 3 in the am lying on my left side in the bed to the sound of loud snoring. Now I must admit, I was scared (you know what), I was literally afraid to turn over and look. When I realized I must, I slowly turned to see my dog laying in the wifes spot snoring away. My heart was beating 100 mph. whew!! ........The next thing, my wife used to like to sneek up behind me and poke and grab at my rear end. Very shortly after her death I heard a song on the radio, that naturally brought me to tears," ain't no sunshine when shes gone, this house just ain't a home when shes gone away", a classic I'm sure some of you know it. Any way I'm a welder by trade and one day after I had returned to work I was bending over under the welding hood when I felt a poke in my left rear cheek. Stood up lifted my hood looked around thinking a fellow employee playing around and there was no one even remotely close. Imagination, OK back to work, with in seconds it happened again to my right rear cheek, stood up, same thing. Then it hit me and I immediately started smiling and looking around and said half jokingly to stop it. No sooner had the words left my mouth when the song I mentioned earlier came on the radio. I swear as God is my witness, and I was grinning from ear to ear! How about that?
 

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