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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1337
Latest Conversations: 9 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Mary. Jane 10 hours ago. 22 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane yesterday
Beautiful poem, DEBORAH. THankyou.
Comment by Marsha H yesterday

Deborah P. ...  Thank you so much for that lovely poem and I like to think that every day.

Comment by Marsha H yesterday

Mary.Jane ...  Well said.  They say eventually in grief groups that saying the word 'D' put's things into reality and that's when we realize our loved one isn't coming back.  I may have used the 'D" word myself and if so apologize, but generally I use 'passed away.'  This, for some reason sounds softer and not to caustic. 

I can certainly understand how you feel thing he would come in after parking the car.  For 2 years I would look at the driveway from the kitchen window at 4:30 PM sharp and had myself believing Ernie would be coming up that driveway swinging his lunch bucket and would tease me when the dogs would meet him at the door wagging their tails all excited to see him and his favorite line with a smile on his face would be, 'Now why don't you meet me at the door like that?'  I just tell him I didn't have tail!  LOL

It is hard when we really begin to see our home for the first time after going through shock of our deceased loved one and for some reason everything looks different.  I call this part of grief 'the awakening.'  Moving to another city and home is not easy no matter how long you have been grieving even if you have come to terms with it.  I may well have to sell my own home come spring and it's gnawing away at me.  I have no idea where I'll go and that scares the delights out of me, but for now I put it in the back of the recesses of my mind and will deal with it when it happens. 

You're going to do just fine Mary and I think when we make traumatic changes such as moving it's a new start in our lives and I do believe no matter where one moves our spouses know where we are. 

Comment by Marsha H yesterday

Chicago Beard ...  Thanks for that and I will I had let the dog loose!  LOL  Just goes to show you how low some human beings can go.

Comment by Chicago Beard yesterday

Mary Jane

Grief is a process and we handle it different ways at different times. It is OK to use the "D" word if you need to. Venting is always good and doing it here is the safest place to do so.

Comment by Mary. Jane yesterday
Ok kids, you aren,t going to like what I am going to say..but my mouth (or pen) has never has a filter...it is about THE "D" WORD. Yes, I have used it, probably more than I should, and for that I apologize. I DIDN,t realize how hurtful I was being. For me, the other words were just "sugar coating" the truth...he was "gone"? GOne where? When was he going to return? He "passed"? Passed what?
I spent over a year actually believing he was going to return. All last year I would bounce around the house, doing stupid little tasks, basically in some sort of stupor, as I honestly believed this was all one horrible dream, and one day I.d here the car pull into the garage, he,d open the back door and say "I'm home! Did u miss me?" Like he would do each time he went out. I never used the D word...because in my addled little brain, if I did, it would mean this was all real...and I would never see him again.
For me, using the D word was something I needed to do...so I would finally face the truth and the reality that I was never going to see, or hold him again. I am very sorry if I hurt anyone. It,S been 19 months since he passed and it still doesn,t seem real at times.
I want to move back to California, but I had no idea how difficult that would be.
Yesterday instead of just opening them, I raised all the blinds in our bedroom, which brought the light into the room in a completely different manner. I was horrified..as it looked like a different room...and I thought HOW can I MOVE to another location when just making the light different in our house sends me over the edge? A new home? A new city? What if Bob comes home, and I'm not here, and he can,t find me?
Ok, I haven bared my soul, my fears, and my terror of any more change in my life. I am drained.
Comment by Mary. Jane yesterday
There is a line from another song by Christina Perry that discribes my life with Bob: "YOU PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME AND I'M HOME".
We had one special thing we alswys did...when this happened, we.d stop whatever we were doing,(Bob could b watching the Super Bowl, with the S.F 49ers vs the Oakland Raiders, with 30 seconds left in the game) and if I happened to look out the window and see a beautiful sunset, I,d call him, and we,d both rush to the window. We'd put our arms around each other, watch it together and in unison say "a tender moment". It was our special thing. I just wanted to share that with y'all.
Comment by deborah peck yesterday

thought I would share this poem

Comment by Mary. Jane yesterday
DEB S.....I am sorry to use this forum for a weather report, but how cold is it on the OBX the first few weeks of October? Is it windy and/ or humid?
Comment by Mary. Jane yesterday
Wow, I have just spent the morning catching up on all of the posts. I feel like the kid who cuts one day of school and that day turns out to b the day they taught everything.
TRINA! BOb and I were like you and JOseph. All we needed was each other. We were even referred to by others as one name: BOBANDMARY. When our daughter was born, we DIDN,t change our lives at all...we took her everywhere we went. I,be asked her if she would have wanted a sibling and she answers NO!!! She says she @
LOVED her life..for awhile we were THREE...until she married 25 years ago..she and her hubby chose NOT to have children..they are MELINDAANDDOUG and will always be.
I am sorry for all the pain. And cruelty y,all have experienced here. I have been blessed to never have had anything like that happen.
I have a few more things to say, but I am doing short posts instead of one long post, so you don,t get too bored. Post #3 coming up...
 

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"the utter lonliness"
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Marsha H commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
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Mary. Jane replied to Kaela Roster Federle's discussion Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue in the group Bereaved Spouses
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