Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25. 4 Replies

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Kaela Roster Federle Sep 25. 27 Replies

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Comment by Steve on Thursday

Good morning Legacy family, got my latest test results yesterday on my right hand and arm.  My neurologist has agreed with the first neurologist, I do not have carpal tunnel, he believes that I have some form of rheumatoid arthritis, however, he did give me script for getting a blood test for Lyme...

So for now, until we get to Dallas, will schedule a visit to a Rheumatologist after I get a blood test...

Thank you one and all for your support.

Comment by Marsha H on Thursday

Kaela ..  I hope you are doing better and I do think of you.  I can still have the odd nightmare if I'm under a lot of stress, but thankfully they generally go away.  Remember, it's your body's way of coping with stress.  It's very normal and more common than you think.   

Comment by Marsha H on Thursday

Deborah P ...  I'm pray for you!  I am so happy you don't chemo!  What a blessing.  I had surgery shortly after Ernie passed away (non cancerous) and I was a basket case before I went in for the surgery, but oddly enough was as calm as could be when I went in for the surgery and was out the same day.  You're going to make it girl!  We're all behind you.  Please keep us up-to-date.

Big hug


Comment by deborah peck on Thursday

Went to see the surgeon today and I will have surgery on Friday, not looking forward to it this close to a holiday that I am already dreading, the good news is he doesn't think I will have to have chemo after all, so yah!. Not wanting to do a  this but have no choice and thankfully it was caught in time but surely hate putting my kids thru this so soon after the death of their dad,but it could be worse so I'm ready to get it done. 

Comment by Kaela Roster Federle on Wednesday

Hello everyone,

I've been quiet lately but I have still been on here reading everyone's comments and they are so touching. I love reading about the signs from your loved ones as well as your experiences with the dreams. Deborah P I am so sorry about that nightmare, Marsha explained it perfectly. I have also been plagued with horrible nightmares about the morning of Brian's passing where I am trying to revive him over and over in different scenarios. The meds have helped with those through. I also have good dreams and sad dreams about him. Lots of symbolic dreams. Sigh. 

- Kaela

Comment by Marsha H on Tuesday

Deborah P.  ...  I am happy you got some peace out of my post on nightmares.  It is normal and many people do have twisted dreams; some good/some not so good.

I like the post you left that it's the little things we miss that our spouses use to do.  How true that is and it sure puts our lives into perspective.  I use to get after Ernie for coming home from work all dirty and leaving black finger prints on the side of the kitchen door jam and I'd give anything now to see those finger prints.  He would make me tea in the mornings on the weekend and even make dinner every so often to give me a break.  When he got home from work and after he showered we'd sit down him with his glass of wine and me with my tea and talk over each other's day and how I miss that!  I know exactly what you are saying Deborah.  I still look at Ernie's big chair and sometimes I close my eyes and hope when I open them by some miracle he'll be sitting in it.

I hope you are having a better day Deborah.  It does get better and like it or not we do get stronger and eventually set into a routine. 

Comment by deborah peck on Tuesday

Marsha I like the way you kinda figured out my dream and it made sense to me, I'm sorry for anyone that experiences these nightmares but maybe your right and its explaining why they cant help us when we need them most

Comment by deborah peck on Tuesday

Ive discovered its the little things you miss most after your spouse dies, holding hands, kissing goodnight, having him making me a cup of tea in the morning, taking a drive to look at the changing leaves, playing games together and I could continue but I know you all understand what I am talking about.

Comment by Mary. Jane on Monday
Deborah, I am so sorry this happened to you. I can,t give you any dream advice, because I have never dreamed of BOb in a personal way like that. I used to wish desperately for a dream visit, but it never occurred to me it could be a terrifying and hurtful dream. I hope it fades in time, as dreams seem to do.
Comment by Marsha H on November 12, 2017 at 2:54pm

Deborah P ...  I am so sorry to read you had such a terrible nightmare, but some people do have dreams such as this.  I have had a few nightmares such as this shortly after Ernie passed away and I felt helpless, felt like I needed consoling that everything would be OK or, I'd wake up from this terrible nightmare and everything would be as before when Ernie was alive.  A couple of years later I came to realize that dreams, good or bad, actually are good for us to release stress of things that we find intolerable to bare during our daily lives as it's a release mechanism.  I realized even the nightmares of not being able to help Ernie and for the first time in my life not being able to control the situation or just make things right was a hard hit on me.  It's normal for many people to have nightmares.

If this will help where your Greg was dying and you couldn't help no matter what the circumstances.  With Greg not comforting you it was because he couldn't, he was sick and unable to do so.  In many cases for a spouse passes suddenly with no warning the guilt of the surviving spouse feels they should have known and done something about it.  There are many scenarios to these dreams.  I also felt within myself I didn't know where Ernie had gone after passing and there was no way of knowing if he was at peace even though I am a Christian there is always that question in  my mind.  It's a big question I can't answer.  That's what makes grieving so hard.  I do feel our spouses are around us in times of trouble. 

I was having dreams of Ernie where he looked young when we first met and one dream we were in a little shop and I went to the back to look at things and when I came back he was standing in the middle of the store with his arm around this young girl's shoulder and he told me he didn't love me anymore.  I woke up crying and doubting him as the day went on, but then I realized he had always been faithful to me and that this dream was a twisted way of letting me know he wouldn't be in my life any longer.  Some people even study dreams to see what their meanings are. 

I pray you don't have any nightmares again, but, know it's normal.


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