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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1. 4 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by Margaret Clare Sanders on October 20, 2009 at 12:12pm
Hi Lorrie
Please accept my condolences on the suddden and unexpected tragic loss of your husband.
The jealousy thing is very real for me. I see couples who are really getting up in years and they look so happy and contented and I feel it is unfair that my darling died before he retired and we could not spend our later years together.
Sometimes I see couples that clearly are not in good health and I find myself criticising them unfairly.
The truth of the matter is that none of us know the why of any of it. We just have to accept it as a fact.
It is only natural to feel envious. The world is very much like Noah's Ark and it is hard to be alone. Be kind to yourself. Stay strong. He would want that for you.
Margaret
Comment by LORI E RIGGIO on October 18, 2009 at 11:25pm
It was a year ago, yesterday, 10/17/09, that my husband while working fell over 40ft. to his death. I still can not believe it happened. I know that I have to try to make some sense of it, but I can not. I do not think that I have grieved enough for this man, the love of my life, my first boyfriend, my best friend who I have known for more than half of my life. I do know that I am feeling resentment for people who still have their spouse. I know that I should not be jealous, but I am. Can you let me know if anyone has experience this jealousy, and if they have does it ever go away. Thanks for listening. Lori Riggo
Comment by Margaret Clare Sanders on October 16, 2009 at 12:12pm
Hello Geoff.
Please accept my deepest sympathy on the sudden and unexpected loss of your beloved Tara. Both of you so young and in your prime.
I think that it is a good thing to cry even though it is harder for most men to do.
It looks like you really believe in God and that should help you on your journey forward.
The mystery of life is that we do not know why some leave the world early and others live very long lives. We cannot predict anything. All we can do is be good to one another each and every day so that when the final moment comes our memories of happy times will help us through.
I also believe that your beloved Tara was the kind of person that would want you to be happy. There is no statute of limitations on grief. Take your time. Talk to Tara everyday. Ask her advice when things get tough. She will always walk beside you.
Be at peace
Margaret
Comment by Geoff Vines on October 16, 2009 at 5:19am
My 41st birthday was May 18. The 17th I took my wife to the hospital as she complained her shoulder hurt from moving furniture to our new homespread our nuevo vast expanse. Tara my everthing died Wed May 20 at 1:14pm. I miss her so bad that the flood of tears pouring from my eyes is the only sanity of expression I can affect. 08/21/09 She was so much more than just a girl. She left me with so many lessons and taught me so much about life and how we should treat each other as human beings. She was so special that God needed her up in Heaven faster than he needs most of us so he took her home early. In those times when I am amidst the toughest pain resulting from her loss I wonder what it was about her, which of her many assets that God needed so badly that he had to take her?
Comment by Margaret Clare Sanders on October 15, 2009 at 4:12pm
Hello Jen
My condolences to you at this difficult time. Know that you are with friends here. The feeling of being
'disloyal' is one I am very familiar with.
Since my husband passed away I have done some things that I just know he wouldn't have approved of and I felt very guilty and disloyal. For example:-
My husband hated the Casino. Never liked playing on the slots but would tolerate me having a bit of fun though I never overdid it.
One night recently I went to the Casino on my own and stayed and played all night!!
I just kept winning and at the end of the night was still in the positive so no harm done. However, I felt so disloyal and guilty and felt that he was there looking at me and getting upset.
Thing is Jen, that in many ways you have to re-invent yourself when you lose your spouse and I think that it takes a bit of time to learn that you can and should do the things that please you. It is not selfish or disloyal.You can still keep the memory of your love and go forward and be yourself without guilt. You deserve to be happy.
So don't feel disloyal. Be yourself!
My best to you
Margaret
Comment by Jen Fuchs on October 14, 2009 at 5:24pm
Hello,
I lost my husband 6 months ago. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and 5 weeks later he died at home. I am a RN in an ICU and felt like I was handling everything so well, we had wonderful support from so many people, I still have support but I have reached a point where I need to share with others who know what I am dealing with.
In the last couple months the reality of the permanence of my situation has settled in. I was privileged to have 24 wonderful years of marriage. We were a couple that everyone knew belonged together. My Don had a smile and personality that touched hundreds of people. Now that he is gone, I feel as though I am too.
I have remained active and done quite a bit of traveling, I suppose that is like running away. Now, with the holidays fast approaching, I know it will only get more difficult.
My struggle right now is the feeling of being disloyal. Don never wanted me to color my hair, he thought the salt & pepper look was great. Last night I wandered around the store with a box of hair color for 30 minutes before I returned it to the shelf feeling as though I have betrayed Don in some way. Can anyone else relate to this?
Comment by Margaret Clare Sanders on October 14, 2009 at 9:53am
Hello Everyone.
Those of you who feel guilty because they feel they should have "done something" differently or been able to prevent the sudden death of their beloved spouse are carrying an unnecessary burden along with their grief.
Like some of you, I was also present at the moment of death and I am a registered nurse with many, many years of ER experience, yet I still could not save my husband.
I was fortunate that the coronor told me that 'no-one could have saved him. He had a massive heart attack and his heart could not be saved'
Try to remember that death is inevitable. We do not know the when or the how. Sudden death can be a mercy in disguise for the one who passes away even though it is h.... on earth for the ones left behind. Then again, I have witnessed the pain and agony of a prolonged death and its effect on everyone. It is never easy.
As for "Closure", truly there is no such thing. Nor should there be as the very word signifies that the memory of that person will die. A better word is acceptance and this cannot be rushed or predicted.
For me , it is not quite a year and there are days when I feel so alone and sad I can hardly get through them. Then there are days when I feel contented because I was so lucky to have had the love of a special man for 45 years and that cannot ever be taken away from me.
So at this time of Thanksgiving, remember the good times and the love you shared together.
My best to you all.
Margaret
Comment by Frannie Manzoni on October 13, 2009 at 2:42pm
Hi

I belong to a group in New Jersey called HOPE. I am not sure what area you live in but it has helped me immensely. I also see a therapist weekly. It is very hard but I am doing much better. It will be one year for me on 11/17/2009.
Comment by Wendela on October 11, 2009 at 11:25am
Jo, I understand the pain and the bewilderment, only too well, trying to do what needs to be done while you're grieving so deeply. Grieving seems to take up huge chunks of energy and brain power, so that sometimes the simplest of things looms up as impossible to manage, and there are so many little reminders that trigger the pain again. Yesterday, after putting back the shopping cart in a parking lot, I walked over to the passenger side of the car automatically, before realizing that I am the only driver in the family now, I won't be sitting in that passenger seat again. If you can, try not to think about what might have been different if you had known more about CPR. I try not to go there myself, or ask what if I had been with him instead of at work, or what if I'd alerted his brother to go check on him earlier when I didn't get a phone call from him in the morning. But there's no point, it doesn't help, so when those guilt thoughts or "what if" thoughts start to come up I just tell myself "STOP" and try to consciously put my mind on something else. Whatever works, I know it is different for each one of us, but I also know no one else really understands what we are going through but others who have gone through it. Hold on, hang in there, and I will too.
Comment by Wendela on October 10, 2009 at 10:59am
Like all of us here, I am a grieving spouse. I lost my darling husband, who was my true love, soul mate, best friend and life partner. He died on 9/2/09, exactly one month before our 27th anniversary and one day before our middle daughter's 23rd birthday. He had flown to be with his mother who was having cancer surgery. Her surgery was a success, but the next morning he got up and just died. That night, when he hadn't gone back to visit his mom in the hospital and didn't pick up the phone, his brother went and found him. He was only 54 years old. We are still in shock. We have 3 children, all living at home (a great blessing to me) but each one has challenges, (1 with high functioning Autism, 1 with cardiac problems & fibromyalgia, and 1 with Asperger's Syndrome) so I am the only "whole" one to take care of us all now. Except I'm not whole. I feel as if half of myself has been ripped out, and it was my favorite half. But it's gone now, and all I can do is try to rearrange the pieces of myself that I have left, to stand up around the front and outside edges of what used to be myself. So I am walking around hollow. At least I am walking around, and going to work, and trying to take care of business, driving the kids to doctor's appointments and college classes. My brain knows things will get better, and the pain will become more bearable, and I will be able to enjoy things again some day, but my heart is empty and broken. Prayer really does help, but nothing can change the reality that we're left with. Having loving, supportive family and friends helps, but nothing will take his place in my heart. I will look for a grief support group in my area, because I know no one else can understand what I'm going through except someone else who has gone through it, like all of you. I pray that those of you who are in despair with no support will find the support you need, and will hang on for now, in faith that life will be worth living again some day. Just hang on, and I will hang on, too.
 

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