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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1370
Latest Conversations: 23 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

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Comment by charlottemosby82@hotmail.com on May 10, 2010 at 10:42am
Hello everyone just want you to know that everythhing will be alright after while.There is a point
life where all of us will go through something.God is the answers to all our needs.
Love you, Mrs. Mosby
Comment by Yaca Attwood on May 10, 2010 at 9:42am
It has been nearly eleven months since Byron died, and I had a period of a couple of weeks where I had a real sense of peace about it, but lately, the grief has poured back on - I still have a peace about his death - but I am missing him so much, feeling his loss, realizing he's not around to talk to, to hug, to bury my head on his chest and feel his warmth, hear his heartbeat and smell his warm, comforting manly smell....and as for Mother's Day, I spent my early morning (I was on my was to 7:30 AM Mass, which I never made it to) - I changed a flat tyre (British spelling) all by myself without the aid of anyone possessed of XY chromosones!

I attained the summit of tyre changing - heretofore, I had been able to remove the spare, jack the car up, get everything ready - but I lacked the strength to remove the lug bolts due to the Inadequate Lug Bolt Removal Tool supplied by the Bayerische Motoren Werke (nay, all automakers do not equip their cars with the best tyre changing tools!)

Now that I remember, it was one Byron Raymond Perkins, Montana Farmer's Son, clinical psychologist, and beloved Old, Tired, Decrepit White Man With No Gluetus Maximus, about a year and a half ago, upon seeing said Highly Inadequate Lug Bolt Removal Tool, took me to Pep Boys and bought me a tire iron (?) - a large, 'X-shaped' thing.

So, on 9 May, when confronted with the flat tyre, I used what he had bought me - I could not get the first lug bolt off, and I feared that I would have to resort yet again to assistance from a male human being, either Former Tax Deductions (sons Jacob or Joshua), Former Husband, Good Male Samaritan Passing By And Seeing A Damsel In Distress or AAA.

Well, I tried a different bolt, and I got that one off (yay!) - I got another and another off, and soon, all five were removed - I took Ye Olde Bad Tyre off, put the spare on (I was wondering if the day would end as an Ibuprofen Day - the arthritis was definitely talking!) - got the holes lined up, put the lug bolts on, tightening them in a "star" pattern - and I had changed the tyre all by myself, thanks to Byron's having bought me the right tool!

Peace, comfort and blessings be with you all - Yaca Attwood Perkins
Comment by alaine dougherty on May 10, 2010 at 9:05am
hey everyone...i wrote on may 3 about my husband's sudden death on july 24 2009. after reading what others have written i feel lucky in the sense that we had prepared for the end of life with wills, life insurance, etc. that part of things has made the craziness more manageable. i was able to settle most things without much trouble. it was just so incredibly sad to "close out" him as a part of my life.
i had a couple of sleepless nights (i hate those) this past week. they make the world much darker than it already is. i try to find a "gift" each day that my husband brought into my life. today it is his sister who has been such an awesome support system to me since his death.
Comment by Peg Otley on May 9, 2010 at 1:23pm
Here we go again. Another first....Mother's Day. Harry and I had a tradition. The day before or the day after Mother's dy he would always take me to our favorite restaurant. I MISS HIM SO BAD. All the family will be here. That will help a little bit. Happy Mother's Day to all.
Comment by Bernie on May 9, 2010 at 9:17am
Abnormal is what normal is for me. It's been a year and I'm fighting my way through the underbrush of grief . I am just learning how to speak with a man without going into panic mode. Social gatherings don't appeal to me at all. I'm not feeling sorry for myself; it's just that the cloak of sadness comes & goes & I never know when it will overpower me. Yesterday I had every intention of putting my day to good use and after a few chores looked at the overwhelming amount of work needed to be done (what do I do with his tools? his camera equipment? stuff?) and went to bed. He used to call me on my cell phone a couple of times a day & I still look to see if there's a message. I left his voice on the home answering machine just to hear it. Most everyone has forgotten me, so I hang on to my dear friends who stayed with me through it all & treasure them. When push comes to shove, though, no one and nothing will ever replace my sweetie's presence in my life. I accept that & talk with God all the time about how I can't wait to be with him in heaven. I want my life here not to be in vain until that day. I feel a sense of urgency to do more good in the world and don't want to waste my life. So much of what I thought was important is insignificant. It's our relationships with people and God that matters. I was blessed for 40 years. Some people never get a day of a good marriage.
Comment by Lori Chamberlain on May 8, 2010 at 11:58pm
My husband of 25 years passed away 2 years ago. We were blessed with 2 children, 19 & 21 at time of their father's death. He had been thru a long illness, but was able to participate in life after resting long periods of time. No one really knows what "normal" is, so I do not worry about getting back to normal.

I do feel badly that I was by his side for more than 10 years of his illness, but not the time of his death. My 19 yr old son was with him. When he was sooo scared, I was not there for him. Was that God's plan? Spare me and put my child thru this vision embedded in his mind??

I also am at home a lot, missing my husband, knowing I need to go for short walks in fresh air for my health..mind and body..please join me!!
Comment by Barb on May 8, 2010 at 11:36pm
Fred,
I do not know what is "normal" anymore. Monday it will be a month since my soulmate, my boyfriend Jeff, passed away in his sleep. He was 53 years old. I cannot stand being home alone. I walk through life like a zombie. Because of the financial situation I came into because of his death I had to start a new job, I was lucky that it is spring and our local hotel was hiring for the season, not sure what I would have done if I did not get this job. The work is familiar to me, I work front desk something I did for years before moving back to Michigan.

I go to work and put on a mask, but as soon as work is done I feel I am drifiting aimlessly. I try to find some normalcy in my life but it is near to impossible.

Jeff and I only had 17 months together, but we felt we were meant for each other. He came from an abusive marriage (his wife beat him and verbally abused him throughout their 20 year marriage) and he finally was beginning to move past some of the symptoms (it took me several months before I could touch his head without him flinching). He had problems, drinking being his worst, but he was a good man, he made me feel special and he appreciated everything I did for him.

Right now I am not only dealing with his death, still seeing his dead face in front of my eyes, still sleeping in the bed he died in. But also with his wife who has been harrassing me and financial issues.

I love Jeff more than words could ever express and I miss him so much. I cannot fathom moving on with my life at any point.
Comment by Fred Dunn on May 8, 2010 at 9:59pm
Is it normal to still grieve for your Eternal Soulmate and wife of 32 years after 3 years? I try to hide it from my co-workers although they have been very supportive but I don't want them to think I'm just a pity case. My wife passed into Gods hands during the night at home and when I woke up I tried to wake her up but noticed something wasn't right. I started giving her CPR but rigor was already setting in, despite that I continued until the EMTs got to the house and I had to ask them whether she was gone.

It is all still very sureal to me and I wake up still talking to her or wondering where she is. She was disabled for about 10 yrs prior to her passing but it continued to spiral down.
I find myself blaming myself as I was supposed to be taking care of her and can't get past that. I still wear my wedding ring and will not pursue any other relationships but I am now a recluse in my own home where I haven't changed a thing since she passed.
Comment by Dawn Conti on May 8, 2010 at 3:08pm
I too have lost my husband of 47 years four years ago. I had reconnected with an old friend in January after reading that his wife had passed away in November of 2009. We soon began dating and had considered marrying after an appropriate amount of time had passed. His family had not been receptive of him dating me. They thought I was the Other woman. Well, I now have lost him to a tragic fall and my heart is broken all over again. We knew each other for 30 years and only had l5 weeks before his tragic accident. I am lost and feel widowed all over again. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Dawn
Comment by Linda baldwin on May 8, 2010 at 4:57am
It has been almost seven years since my dear husband, and best friend Kevin past away, we were together 26 years, not a day has gone by that I don't miss him. Our sons are 25, and 30 now, and we have a little grandson that never got to meet his grandpa.
 

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