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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 16. 4 Replies

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Comment by Yvonne on April 30, 2010 at 10:16pm
Vicky, First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Right now this is about YOU. Not about what anyone else wants. YOU do what you want. If you want to go to your room and close the door and cry, scream, kick, you do it. They can't possibly understand the depth of your grief. It is much to soon for you to make any plans. Right now you are so overwhelmed that you can't even think straight. Take it one minute at a time and do the best you can. You have come to the right place to pour out your feelings. Here we all understand and don't judge. I am sending you a big hug ((((Vicky))))
Take care Yvonne
Comment by Victoria (Vicky) Owensby on April 30, 2010 at 9:58pm
My husband of thirty years died Monday after a long battle of liver disease from Hep. C probably contracted from the Vietnam era. We have only known for five what was wrong with him, no Dr. was able to diagnose him until his Medicare came through them whoopee there it was given as matter of fact as saying you need a root canal and you have about five years. We cried in each others arms for many hours then decided the best course of action was to drive to the transplant hospital 200 miles away which we did faithfully and Martin took every test and did everything they asked of him to do, they kept saying his transplant needs are much too premature. His health started to deteriorate at the end of Feb. 1st with pneumonia then 2nd. Bled out with esophageal varicees during this visit was given a different patients medicine by mistake. 3rd time in hospital he was just too weak to move which hospital wrote as reason to admit drug overdose. During this stay he got bad bedsores which no antibiotic was given and was sent home with hospice at home even though I said he wants to be resuscitated so the Hospice nurse left abruptly leaving me with no help at all. While my son and daughter who were home from college watched him die we couldn't stand it and called elms again. They took him into ice for 2 weeks trying to treat his total malnutrition by this time and his terribly infected wounds turning out to be VRSA much like MRSA. He died the day they took him out of ice and down to regular room thinking he was doing better. I held his hand as he breathed in his last breath. I miss him so much I am in constant pain. My heart is broken. He was my whole life. Well my family is trying to visit and help but I just want to be alone to cry. I would do anything just to see him for one more day. Please god bring him back to me. I know my family means well but they want me to go out and do things fun and to get on with my life. They never approved of me taking care of him all these years. Now I have a judging family, no ss$ which we shared and two kids in college. Why can't my family see that I am in pain and there is nothing I can do about it right now. My mom says I could if I would start making plans and moving on. I am so mad I could scream. All hopes of a liver taken from me along with my beloved husband who was my whole life. What should I do any suggestions?
Comment by Yvonne on April 30, 2010 at 9:54pm
Tom,I enjoyed your story too. Loni and you must have been quite a couple. LOL. Yvonne
Comment by Yvonne on April 30, 2010 at 8:18pm
Lois you are right when you say that we tend to change our lost loves into someone absolutely perfect in every way. I feel that I tend to do that because we were so close and he was the perfect partner for me. Of course we all have faults, but because of love we are able to look beyond them and see the special person we all loved. Like the song says "You don't know what you got till its gone".
Here is a cute little story you might enjoy. Larry and I enjoyed going to Deadwood, S.D., on the way we would stop at Williston at the Walmart. I went through one check out so that I could pick up cigarettes and Larry went through another. While I was there a lady came up to me and said "I don't want to scare you, but there is a man over there that was watching your every move in the store and following you around." I asked which one and she pointed to my husband. I thanked her and chuckled and said no it is okay he is my husband. She said then that I was very lucky to have someone love me so much. After that I called him my favorite stalker and we would chuckle about it. Love you my favorite stalker. Yvonne
Comment by Ellen Gerst on April 30, 2010 at 1:51pm
In regard to Kathy Obiedzinksi's comment, I think we have all experienced those moments when it just gets to be too much. A couple of months after my husband died, I was rushing to get one son to school after taking him to an early morning orthodontist appointment, while my younger son was at home waiting for me to drive him to his school. As I rounded the corner to turn on to the school street, there sat a policeman with his radar gun pointed right at me. I was speeding, and, to top it off, I wasn't wearing my seat belt, so I ended up getting two tickets. You see, not wearing my seat belt was my big rebellion of saying I just didn't care what happened to me. (Being a "good girl" my whole life, not wearing my seat belt was about all I could muster in rebellious behavior!) So, after being ticketed, I went home to pick up my other son. I managed to drop him off and get home safely and then proceeded to get into bed and just cry the entire day until it was time to pick him up again.

I think we just cry and rage over a lot of things, and the thing that sets us off can be different each time. It's like we are a pot with bubbling water. Ten items might be able to be put in the pot and we can handle them all -- but let that 11th item be dropped in, and the water spills over and floods our senses. I found it really didn't matter what that 11th item was either.

Rage and anger are all part of the process, and I found it important to get it outside of me rather than leaving it bottled up. Kathy, try not to beat yourself up for crying or not understanding why your husband died. Life just isn't fair, and there are no good reasons why he was taken and "evil" people are allowed to roam the earth. Asking questions is part of the grieving process, so know you are on the right path
Comment by Yvonne on April 30, 2010 at 1:15pm
Linda sending you big hugs today. ((((Linda))))
Yvonne
Comment by BoLynn on April 30, 2010 at 12:22pm
It's been eight months today at 12:35 p.m. that my Angel got his wings. I will love you forever, My Bo.
Comment by Yaca Attwood on April 30, 2010 at 11:59am
To Kathy Obiedzinski: Clive Staples Lewis, better known as CS Lewis, author of many Christian theological books and the 'Chronicles of Narnia', was also the author of 'A Grief Observed', in which he was _extremely angry_ at God for the loss of his beloved wife Joy Gresham, from bone cancer.

CS Lewis had been a confirmed bachelor, living that life, and love came to him late in life, and was with him for not very long - he was _devastated_ by Joy's loss (in 'A Grief Observed', he refers to her as 'H'), angry with God - how could a supposedly "loving" God allow this to happen to him - why let Joy into his life, only to take her away.

God is waaaay big enough to deal with our anger and hate - He can take it; in fact, He'd rather have us be angry or madly in love with Him than be lukewarm - He isn't going to strike you down for screaming your loss, pain, grief and hatred to Him - He's going to listen, and I do not know what He will do, but you will.

And yes, there are many that live that burden the Earth under their evil feet, and many that die that leave a hole in the hearts of their loved ones.

I cannot explain it .... but I have reached a peace about my husband Byron Raymond Perkins's death on 29 June 2009 - he was 55; and we had been married one year and nine months when he died (although I had known him for some years). Yes, God could have healed him of the agonizing muscular dystrophy, psoriatic arthritis, hepatic encephalopathy, ascites, jaundice and liver disease - but he did not, and at 1:03 PM, PDT, on Monday, 29 June 2009 - I stood by his hospital bed provided by the hospice in the living room of our apartment, and I watched him take his last breath.

And I cried, and still do - I miss him, I miss his incredibly comforting, soft voice, his warm, manly smell, his humor, his intelligence - and he could be quite nasty, at times, as well - but he was basically a loving teddy bear.....and I do not know why he was not healed and why he died, but I figure it was his time to depart the Earth, and I am left.

I was angry, I screamed, cried, cursed, shook my fist at God - and He listened...and over time, I was comforted in a way I cannot explain.

Healing, peace, comfort and blessings be upon and with you - Yaca Attwood Perkins
Comment by Donna C. on April 30, 2010 at 8:20am
One more post (I hope!) from me today -- I truly have found that grieving and mourning are real work that a person must go through after the death of a loved one. It is a special work, separate from daily tasks, and the work you do for a living. Any separate time to yourself that you can spend crying, or writing a journal, or reading a book on getting through grief, or just allowing yourself to feel this great pain if you can; all of those things are necessary steps you must take to help you ultimately accept the pain and move forward with your life without your loved one. Don't put it aside -- tell us about it -- it is so hard, but so good for you to do to help heal. I'm sure you all know this already, but I am fairly new to this kind of pain and grief (my husband died 8/19/09) and I find the things I listed have helped me so much and I hope they would help everyone here who is in similar pain. Thanks to all for listening, and God bless you!
Comment by Donna C. on April 30, 2010 at 8:14am
I must agree with Lois. I sincerely believe it is not God who "takes" our spouse, or "causes" our spouse to die. God has given us free will and he weeps with us when bad things happen. It is natural to feel angry that your spouse has died, and it is natural to be mad at God. I would like to suggest that if spiritual practice is part of your life, that you pray to God in all of your human-ness and tell him how mad you are and ask his help for you in getting through your pain. Also, if you have a church and a pastor or other spiritual leader that you know, that you go and talk to them about your anger. There is also a wonderful book called "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" by Rabbi Harold Kushner. This book really has helped me and many of my friends.
God bless you all today; reading these posts helps me know I am not alone.
 

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