Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Lynn on March 11, 2010 at 8:12am
My husband died 11/20/09. He was everything in my life. We have been together about 9 years, but married 4 1/2. I waited until I was 50 to get married because I wanted the "special man" for my life. I never laughed or shared so much in my life. It took my husband 9 months to ask me out..he was married. I never knew he was married..I just knew I had an attraction for him. We never spoke during those 9 months. He was teaching a class I had to attend for work. The only conversation we had then was over a book I was reading, but I left the class room just knowing somehow or something would bring us together.
It was approx. 9 months when a gentleman mentioned to me that Mike was attracted to me and how did I feel!!! I said please have him call me!!! It finally happened arount Thanksgiving that I received the call. He asked me out on a date and we were together ever since that date.
He explained to me that he was married at the time of the class he was teaching, but the marriage was coming to an end, but I never knew any of that until we were together. He was so concerned that I would think less of him if he asked me out back when he was teaching the class. What is so true is that I would have never accepted a date or even considered it if he was married. It was so nice to meet someone that respected his wife at that time and also respected me at that time.
We were married in Las Vegas and I have met his first wife and their children many times and we have not bad feelings. I had nothing to do with the break up of that marriage and his family has been wonderful to me-children and exwife.

Mike died of an thoraco-abdominal aortic dissection. This is the same thing that the actor John Ritter died from 10 years ago.
Mike spend 2 days in the hospital and was released to go home on a Wed. at 4 pm. We went to dinner that night had sushi and then came home watched a movie and had a glass of wine. We got up the next morning (we were both off of work on the same days) and he mentioned that he had that feeling of gas in his stomac, but he was hungry. He said I'll take a shower an eat maybe I'll feel better. I made oatmeal while he showered -it took about 5 -6 minutes. I went into our room with the oatmeal and said its ready...don't fall to sleep so quick..then I realized something was wrong....I tried CPR ..I call 911 ...they came and tried to help then we went to the hospital...he never spoke again. .
I will never understand how you can spend 2 days in the hospital and be released to follow up with your reg. doctor and die the next day. They thought he has a stoke, but ruled that out. His aortic valve was enlarged to 5 1/2 cm. and a normal valve is 2 cm. I am frustrated and lost. I still remember Mike saying to me just before we went to sleep "I love my wife and I love my life". 56 years old ..he was a vegetarian...loved life...kind person...always reading to make sure he made good health choices. Our whole house is filled with things we have been purchasing or planning for when we retire in 10 years. I am trying so hard to make sense of any of this and move along in life..I know that is what he would want, but it seems to me to get harder not easier. Its the day to day thats hard. I recently went to Mexico to visit my 86 year old aunt..Mike and I would visit her there every year for a week...she has a 2 bedroom time share. People have asked how I could go so soon...that was a lot easier than the everyday life for me. When I was away it was not simple, but it took some of the pressure off the day to day world I live in at home. I struggle daily to just make it to work and co-exist.
Comment by Colleen on March 10, 2010 at 12:53pm
Why can't I add friends on the site. I woulde like to do that to be able to keep track of everyone and when I click on the button it tells me an error has occurred - only this has been going on since I joined. And I would really like to add members as friends. I feel like I'm more than a little scatter-brained right now and that would just help me participate and keep track better. Anyone else having this problem?
Comment by Mary on March 9, 2010 at 9:00pm
Tom, I'm glad you are able to use humor to change how you are feeling. Right now I can't, the pain is to new. I cried so hard today. Jims life insurence policy check came today. I was so relieved that it was a full term policy and not the decreasing term I thought it was, yet when I looked over at his picture I would have given every penny back just to have him back.
You mentioned the story about Loni's first husband. I was also married before and my first husband of 16 years died. He was a disabled vet and he died of his disability. Jim also let me talk about him, he said he wished he could have met him. He knew I was the person I was because of life experiences. My three children from that marriage became Jim's children and he never showed any favoritism between his own 4 children and mine. In fact, in some ways in the last few years he became closer to my son then his own. My youngest daughter was only 2 when her dad died so she never remembered him. So when I married Jim when she was 7, he was her dad.
I have the best children in the world. Last Sunday they came over with their families and grandkids and brought dinner because they know Jim had been gone 4 weeks that day and they wanted to help me get though it. I love them for it. But you know, I can be in a room with everyone I love and I am still alone. I felt that way 30 years ago and it's the same again. I hate this so much.
Comment by Yvonne on March 9, 2010 at 1:20pm
Tom, I enjoy your sense of humor. Larry always used humor to make everyone feel comfortable. It has been 7 months today since he passed. I received a card the other day from a friend of our middle sons. She and Larry had a special bond and she said how she had always enjoyed their late night talks and how much she enjoyed his belly laugh. She always held a special place in his heart. That was my Larry, a heart as big as the world. Such a kind gentle and caring I miss him.
Comment by Mary on March 9, 2010 at 6:54am
Dear Tom,
Your story about how you met Loni is a great one.I met my husband Jim by answering a classified ad he put in our local newspaper. Three weeks later we were engaged and three months later we were married. Because we were older, he was 49 and I was 39, we didn't want to waste anytime, because we knew we were in love.
My children, to this day can't believe I answered that ad, I never had before, because I tend to be very shy and reserved. Jim was so out going, he never met a stranger. I guess that is why we were such a match. I am just so numb, I can't believe he is gone. I am just heartbroken.
Comment by Mary on March 8, 2010 at 8:32pm
My husband of 24 years died just 4 weeks ago. I just don't understand at all, the cancer treatment was all done and the cancer was gone. He should have gotten better, but one month after treatment was done he was gone.
So here I am, widowed again. I was only 35 yrs old the first time with 3 young children at home. This time seems so much harder. Probably because I am older, just retired and children grown. I loved him so much, he was such a good man. It is hard to think about the weeks and months ahead with out him. I am only 64 yrs old and can't bear the thought of the years ahead alone. It just doesn't seem fair at all. But no one ever said life was fair.
Comment by Missmylove47 on March 8, 2010 at 1:51am
You were one of the first people to help me here in just 4 months ago when I lost my husband, and you lost your fiance at the same date October 26, 2009. We were both devastated, numb and lost, I tried to help you too as much as I could. I know how you are feeling. I still healing too...It is not easy!
Trust God....he closes one door and open another. Sometimes changes in life is for the best. Just pray and have faith.
Hang in there.....I am praying for you!

I wish you the best Anita!
Comment by Anita Simmons on March 7, 2010 at 3:06pm
As time goes on and the months (4) past by I wonder when all of this gets easier to handle. When I can finally let go and and move on. When I can feel something other then sadness, loneliness and heartache. When I don't feel so scared. Right now I am just so numb from all of it. I feel the stages and am grateful that the anger stage didn't stick around for very long but the acceptance stage I think is going to take awhile. The family is asking me to leave our home (empty for foreclosure) which I don't understand but getting rid of his belongings, packing up his clothes and things seems to be so much harder then expected. I want to feel the goodness, joy and happiness again. When will that happen??????????. How do I do this????????
Comment by Yvonne on March 5, 2010 at 9:38pm
Tom I love you sense of humor, and it is good to smile and see that you can too. Yes, sometimes people don't think before they speak. We run into a lot of those people it seems or are we hurting so much that we are that much more sensitive. Don't know. I know I will not be moving anytime soon. We finally got the house both of us have always wanted 9 years ago. I love our home and our big backyard. Just looked out the back door and saw that the alarm light is still blinking in his big black truck...yay the batteries aren't dead yet, I haven't driven it since December when I put new tires on it. I suppose I should start it and let the batteries charge up. Oh well, tomorrow. I am fortunate that I have lots of family near by. I was so lonely this afternoon that I invited our son over for dinner. Gave me an excuse to cook a decent meal and eat one as well. I am so glad that he understands that sometimes I just need to lean on him. He is single and I think sometimes he is lost and lonely too. Well enough for now.
Take care all Yvonne
Comment by Yvonne on March 5, 2010 at 3:07pm
Yes Tom I have been asked that same question. Where else would we want to go? As you said it is our home and all our memories are there.
My husband and I also have a business and I was asked if I was going to carry on with the business. Duh!!! No I will close it up walk out and never return. What kind of question is that? Yes, I will sell the business when I am ready. I am not ready yet and until then it is business as usual. How about the question did he have a will? NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. People can actually be very rude.
How about when they change the subject when you mention your spouses name. I guess they don't understand. Sorry, just a few things I had to get off my chest.
Take care all Yvonne

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