Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1337
Latest Conversations: 9 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Need Advice:Grief and Chronic Fatigue

Started by Kaela Roster Federle. Last reply by Mary. Jane 10 hours ago. 22 Replies

My love is gone...

Started by Chris Sky. Last reply by deborah peck Sep 12. 18 Replies

On the last day of our vacation my husband died.

Started by Andrew Berenyi Jr.. Last reply by deborah peck Aug 22. 33 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane yesterday
HAHAHAHAHA...thank you for the first great laugh I have had in weeks.
Comment by Deb S yesterday

Dear friends, I want to share an update. Over the past year I have often perused web sites of homes for sale with the crazy idea that I'd like to have a second house. My searches have taken me far and wide but I always return and concentrate my search in the Outer Banks of North Carolina. My children and I love the area and my cousin and his wife live here. Bob and I spent a lot of time in the area and vacationed here frequently. I've visited 3 times in the last two months.

I noticed last week that one house that I had not yet looked at had 2 recent significant price cuts. It was now priced within my comfort zone. I touched base with my agent and she did some research. She discovered that another buyer was putting in a contract. I could not travel to the area because I had to be in Court to pursue a deadbeat tenant. I did the next best thing. My agent went to the house and face timed me for about a half hour as she toured the house. I also submitted a bid. The buyers came back to both buyers and asked for each of us to put in their best and highest offer. They would take the best offer without counter. I wanted this house and think it is worth a lot more than their new heavily reduced asking price. I elicited input from my son and my NC agent and considered my alternatives. I put in an offer I was comfortable with and then spoke to God and Bob and relayed that the rest was up to them. I'd either get the house or I wouldn't. I was at peace. I shortly learned that I got the house. This all happened on Sept. 13.

I then rented a house in the same neighborhood for a week. I arrived on Saturday and was soon more relaxed than I have been in years. Yesterday was a day of action. The termite inspector came and showed me a few minor areas of concern. The house passed the termite inspection. The home inspector was there for 5 hours and I joined him for a good part of the day. He noted some minor repairs that need to be addressed. He also loves the house and said he would give it a 95 to 99 on a 100 point scale.

I came back to my rental last night and opened a bottle of our wedding wine that I had brought with me. I toasted my dear husband, told him "(w)e did it!!!", and perused the dozens of photos I took yesterday of the house and the property.

This is the first house I've purchased by myself. I'm giddy with excitement. Early on in the process (a few months ago), I was preapproved for a mortgage. I updated my information and forwarded recent bank statements, etc. on Monday. I meet with them today to sign some additional documents. 

Settlement is currently scheduled for October 25. My 61st birthday is two days later. Happy Birthday to me :) :).

Thanks to all of you for your caring love and support. I strongly suspect that I would not be strong enough to take this step without knowing that you collectively have my back. Thank you dear friends.


Comment by Deb S yesterday

Marsha, Yikes! I am so sorry that you ran into that "person" and experienced this assault. I hope and pray that you are able to release his words from your memory. He and his toxic words are not worthy of taking up any more space in your beautiful mind. I'm tossing him overboard and hope and pray you are able to do the same. HUGS, dear friend.  Debbie

Comment by Deb S yesterday

Trina, Wow! Your beautiful and well written post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You express my feelings in a way that I could never put into words. Thank God my Legacy family gets it. I know to the core of my soul that I would not be where I am today without the love, care and support of the wonderful people in this group. I hope and pray that you and everyone here has a better day today than yesterday. Love, Debbie

Comment by Trina Mamoon yesterday

 I just finished reading all the recent posts and there is so much to unpack. Several different themes and threads, but one that jumps out is our (bereaved spouses’/lovers’/partners’) right to be able to grieve on our terms and for as long as it takes. Very early on in my grief— a little over three years ago—I learned from my grief therapist that grief has no timetable, that grief and grieving are very individual, that each person grieves in their own unique way. And what I found out a long time ago myself like the rest of you is that for some people like myself, there is no “getting over it.” Sure, over time my grief has tempered, the intensity not as sharp and powerful as before, but I am not “over it;” I am not past the deep sorrow of having lost Joseph, the love of my life.  And I never will. For as long as I live, he will be an integral part of me and will remain the love of my life. This is my story: it’s not good or bad, right or wrong. This is my grief, and I have the right to own it and deal with it on my own terms. My siblings, who are mostly understanding people, have long reached a point where they feel that my grieving has been going on for too long. They want to see me happy and joyful again. I resent that, but at the same time I also understand where they are coming from.  They have no idea how deep the love between Joseph and me. We were one of those blessed couples who fulfill each other completely and have no need for others to make us complete. We had good relations with our families and had a good number of close friends (and I still do), but as Joseph and I would often joke that if we were marooned on an island without any other human being there, just the two of us, we would have been perfectly happy. And it’s true. We were fortunate to have shared that exceptional kind of happiness and love for 19 years. So when my siblings or acquaintances express the thought that I should move on, they have no point of reference of the love and life that I shared with Joseph. It’s beyond their imagination what we meant to each other.  So for some time now, when I am in the company of my siblings and other close family members, I try not to express my true feelings. As much as I can, I do my best to put forward a not-sad-face. I just don’t want to get into lengthy discussions with them about my true feelings. This suits me better than having to have confrontations with them. I can pretend with them for the time that I am spending with them without having to reveal my inner thoughts and feelings.  But I am NOT over my grief. Like I said, I will always mourn Joseph, and if someday I find that I am not mourning him any longer, then I would be very surprised to say the least, but that would okay. But until that day dawns, no one will tell me how I should be feeling, and how I should be over it.  So Deborah peck, Sara, and Deb S, please know that you are not alone in facing this kind of attitude from family and friends. Your grief is yours to own; grieve as long as it takes; there is no deadline or time limit for grieving. These people don’t have the foggiest idea about how gut-wrenching and exceedingly challenging it is to survive the love of your life, to just go on living after your soul-mate has passed. Just to keep our heads above the water and to go on functioning in a fairly normal way is like walking on broken glass or on burning coals on a daily basis. So we don’t need these insensitive people telling us how to live our life; not only are they not helping, they are causing more pain.

Sending you all—my family here on Legacy—love and healing thoughts. Without you to share and commiserate, I would have been even more lost, more dispirited, and bereft of hope. Thank you my Legacy Family for your love and support!

Comment by Chicago Beard on Thursday

Just read your story. What an asshat. So sorry your dog missed.

Comment by deborah peck on Wednesday

oh Marsha that's horrible, cant imagine as you both were probably still trying to grasp the diagnoses then to have someone so rude I'm so sorry this happened to you

Comment by Marsha H on Wednesday

Sara ...  Here's another one for you, but I took care of it immediately.  Ernie had just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and I went to the mall.  Ernie wasn't feeling quite so bad and wanted to come with me, but sat it the car.  I wasn't gone long and I came out of the mall door there was this younger man that Ernie and I knew (did drugs and wasn't of good character so we dropped him a long while back) and he insisted on helping me with my parcels.  I told him I didn't need the help and wanted to get away from him, but he grabbed them out of my arms and started to walk to the car with me.  As if this wasn't bad enough he said, 'Well you know my friend had pancreatic cancer and he didn't live long, so when Ernie goes give me a call.'  I was stunned and I won't tell you what I said to him because I'd be arrested!  Literally.  I couldn't shake this guy and he walked up to the car.  When I got in I knew Ernie sure didn't want to talk to him and then this so-called human being had the gall to ask for a ride, but I quickly told him that we weren't going his way and to 'get lost!'  He peeked his head into the car (big mistake) and our dog Booker who had been over by Ernie made a lunge for this guy and I managed to hold him off.  Of course that got rid of the guy in a hurry.  Those words that guy had said slammed into my stomach and I'd always known pancreatic cancer was lethal, but this confirmed it.  Of course I never told Ernie what happened, but to this day those words haunt me and also the fact that there are some terrible and manipulative people out in the world.  WOW!  Never told anyone about that and it sure feels good to get it off my chest.  Thanks for listening.

Comment by Marsha H on Wednesday

Deborah ...  I'm so sorry that happened to you as well.  Yes, it's frightening and leaves you vulnerable and confused.  It almost made me feel that 'I' misunderstood, but knew I hadn't. 

Comment by deborah peck on Wednesday

I too had a friends brother hit on me right after the passing of my 1st husband, it leaves you feeling very vulnerable and confused, I didn't tell her either just stayed away from him


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