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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Nov 22, 2017. 2 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Marsha H Oct 25, 2017. 4 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on February 15, 2018 at 5:08am

Sara ...  that was so beautiful and I concur!  Words couldn't have said it better.  Thank you so much!

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 14, 2018 at 10:51pm

I agree, ladies. Tonight, while watching a special about the best romantic movies, and I listened to the song “I had the time of my life” when it occurred to me...I HAD had the time of my life with Bob! And some people NEVER find what we all here had...even tho they’re gone now...we were blessed, because we had amazing love...the time of our lives.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on February 14, 2018 at 9:55pm

This is true to the core.  As long as I'm alive, Ken will be loved and remembered. 

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Comment by Sara Murphy on February 14, 2018 at 9:54pm

Thank you Deb.  I've also been thinking of everyone today.  It's hard enough to see other people in relationships but today it's a littler harder.  Wishing you all a peaceful night.

Comment by deborah peck on February 14, 2018 at 9:33am

Thinking of everyone today and sending prayers your way

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 12, 2018 at 7:32pm

Making a detailed list of what is in each box is a great idea. Thank you for sharing all of that. You’re correct..I am terrified. 

Did you move your stuff yourselves, or did u hire a moving company? My daughter and I realized we cannot load a trailer like Bob and I did 15 years ago so I am afraid I will have to hire a company to move our stuff...I have no idea what something like that costs...let’s face it..this whole thing is one fear after another...bur I will keep focusing on the fact that YOU did it.

Beard, thank you. I am so sorry you, and all of us had to do that. I donated a lot of Bobs clothes BOb DIDN,t wear..but still haven’t gone thru his t shirts or his dresser drawer...I dread that job. 

The one thing that comforts me, is thankfully I DIDN,t die first. If I had, I know he couldn,t have handled ANYof this. Oddly during most of our marriage, he “ran the ship” so to speak...but the last few years, he handed the reins to me...I used to tell him where important stuff was, but he wasn,t interested...I KNOW he knew he was going to die. All his life he was TERRIFIED of cancer...I don,t know how he knew, but he did. And, sadly, he was correct. Ironically, I always thought if he ever got cancer, he would be grumpy,angry  and rude, etc...but the exact opposite happened...all through his illness, he was in good spirits..it was like something he had feared all his life had finally happened...and he didn’t have to be afraid anymore. 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 12, 2018 at 3:42pm

Hi Mary Jane, here's part 2.

I labeled multiple cartons with the same words like "Studio/miscellaneous" - now I have to open and empty each box as reached hoping to find the one tool/paper/item I need.

I have undertaken a very small personal business venture wherein I display and sell my doll collection in a local antique mall. I don't have room to keep it here in our home, and can use the income. But really what it is doing is making me try something that draws me out of myself and makes me connect with the world a bit more. It is just renting a single display case, and it doesn't require my involvement beyond setting up and pricing my inventory. It also motivates me to keep unpacking and trying to make our home as comfortable and nice as possible.

I would love for you, when facing this monumental undertaking so fraught with emotion, and in my case trepidation, to try to imagine me 5 months ago doing exactly what you are doing. Now picture me in a new state, new home, new "business", and still standing! That last part is what always amazes me, and brings me back to the same simple belief that has gotten me through the last 3 years - the thought that God for some reason isn't through with my life here, and believing that I just have to daily pray that what I am doing, however insignificant or meaningless it may seem, is somehow what I am supposed to be doing, and is maybe helping someone else in a way unknowable to me. At least that's what I like to think.

You, my friend, absolutely can do this task before you, and I believe you can find the tenacity, the necessary sense of humor (believe me - you'll need that), and come to appreciate the occasional irony you will undoubtedly encounter. Face these with the bravery I know you have, from dealing with your loss to your health, and you will be one day looking back as I do feeling very proud of your accomplishment. You will make new friends, see new places, but always your love for your beloved Bob will be with you, and every time you speak about him to someone new their eyes will show their comprehension of how much you have endured and how much they admire your strength to make this move.It's nice to see, believe me.

I'm sending all my strength and support your way - from a distance you have a willing and eager helper as you pack!

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Chicago Beard on February 12, 2018 at 11:06am

Mary Jane

Just read your comment about moving and going through things. I can only imagine how you feel. When I went through Rose's clothes I cried like I did on the day she died. The wound is still raw and having to revisit any part of your lives together hurts terribly. I feel for you and am sending positive thoughts and huge virtual hugs!

Comment by Mary. Jane on February 12, 2018 at 10:30am

Oh Chuck! Waking up, and seeing your post to me the first thing in the morning was like a little kid seeing the presents under a tree on Christmas Day. I promise i will  write more later, but I have to get dressed and put the 7 bags of garbage out for pickup b4 the guy comes...all filled with tiny bits of paper. Back later

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on February 12, 2018 at 3:57am

Hello Mary Jane,

I keep dropping in and out here these days, and I miss so much that is happening with people I truly have come to view as family that it makes me feel guilty. Steve uses his laptop daily and mentions if there is much activity or someone's name who is having a particularly rough time. I vow to sit down and read everything to catch-up, then another week slips by.Reading about your pending move and the related comments right now makes this a good time to jump in again.

This will probably be long, so if it ends up in multiple parts excuse me. I have been, like Steve, sorting through belongings that were moved from NJ, and finding (and to my frustration NOT finding) many things that I want or need. This brings me to my first point. I am glad you are starting this painful ordeal now, not waiting until the last minute like I did. I was so stressed and exhausted by the fallout from my constant procrastination that I made some bad decisions regarding keeping, tossing, wrapping, and especially labeling boxes and containers.

I was really strapped financially , so we did all our own packing. Steve had only those things he brought from Dallas by car, the rest in storage. This allowed him to do the brunt of the emptying of cabinets, closets, and bookcases. He was a bit overwhelmed by 34 years worth of Larry's and my things, but never pressured me to eliminate anything unless he saw I was being irrational about something like a broken stereo or linens that were ready for the trash.

During the final week, I was so terrified of not finishing before the closing that I shifted into overdrive and thought I was doing really well. I was as far as getting things packed, but the way I did it is now coming back to haunt me. There is no rhyme or reason to what I packed together in cartons, and I took to labeling many cartons with cryptic words I was sure I would understand once in Texas - no even close.

 

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