Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: 7 hours ago
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Corey. Last reply by Marsha H Feb 14.
Started by Tiffany Phillips. Last reply by Sara Murphy Jan 27.
Started by brenda may. Last reply by Marsha H Jan 12.
Harold ... I am so very proud of you and you seem to be on the right path of getting well. Diane must be so proud of you as she looks down smiling at you. You are truly an inspiration to the rest of us.
My dear Chuck ... As usual your posts are incredible and as you so lovingly share your life and your heartfelt thoughts you helped each and everyone of us see things in a better light. I agree, that slowing down and finally seeing small blessings is so important and I try very hard in this fast-paced world.
Thank you my friend for being here for us and I'm just going to have to fly over on my broom and get you writing a book very soon! You are an incredible writer my friend and a talent I've never experienced before.
Your loving Sister
Trina! ... How wonderful to see a post from you and prayers have come your way as I think of you and others who don't post as much because of changes in their lives. I sometimes don't post either as, like others, have my trials, changes in life coming too fast at me and my mind is like mush and I don't feel I can help much with posting.
I know how difficult it is for you to have sold your beautiful home in Alaska where you and Joseph had so many wonderful memories and now relocating in California where you both wanted to retire. I also know how you feel being a displaced person because even though I still live in the same house and in the same town there are so many changes since Ernie passed away and I feel adrift very often. I am sure in time you will meet new friends and find a place for them in your life.
The birthdays and other special holidays are so very hard on all of us and I can understand how you feel about that too. NEVER feel like you have betrayed Joseph by moving to California because he's right there with you. He would want that for you and if you search your heart you know that to be true. Keep in mind one day you will reunite with Joseph and for now you have to keep on carrying that torch he handed you to move forward and be happy.
I am happy for you that you retired and please let us know what you plan on doing in retirement. You are reinventing yourself hon, so move forward knowing Joseph is right beside you urging you all the way. Yes, I too wished I could have gone with my Ernie, but I'm a Christian and I knew that wasn't possible and I'd be letting him down, so I take one step at a time. Life can be very cruel and sometimes I wonder when it will ever stop. Then without warning something happens and for a little while I feel life is worth living.
I didn't forget you either Trina and knew eventually you would post. I am so very proud of you for all you have managed to do because those were very big steps to take. Know we're there in spirit for you.
It's been months since I disappeared from this forum. I have been reading your posts once in a while, but I have been undergoing major changes since May of 2016 and I haven't had the psychic energy to post. But I have been thinking of all of you and sending you good thoughts.
As I last posted in November, I retired in May (took early retirement which was very difficult as I loved teaching), sold the beautiful house Joseph and I shared, and finally moved out of the state of Alaska and relocated to Southern California. While I like the new city where I've moved, all the many major life changes in quick succession of one another has left me feeling like a displaced person adrift on an ocean. I think the worst is over of this phase (that's why I am able to write today), but the journey is still as arduous.
The Ides of March, March 15th, was Joseph's birthday; he would have turned 52. On his birthday, I tried to imagine where we would have been in our life journey had Joseph not left this earth. I couldn't go very far with that thought, as it was heartbreaking thinking how I've had to set up a new home in California, where Joseph and I had dreamed of retiring. Now I am doing it alone, as his widow. It feels like I am betraying him, that I am getting to retire in Sunny California while he is no more. But this is no retirement, not in the sense we had looked forward to. Life is cruel to say the least, and so much of how things pan out is really beyond our control. I just stay afloat, keep my head above water, take it day by day, week by week. If it were left to me to make that choice (I am a person of faith), I would have left this world to join my darling Joseph. But as you all well know here, wishing to join your beloved is not enough. We must wait our time. I am afraid that given my family history, I will probably go on living for another 25-30 years. It all seems so wrong, so unfair, so pointless...
Here's wishing you all well, my friends Marsha, Chuck, Deb, Gretchen, Sara, Harold, and others. I've missed you and thought of you often, but didn't have the mental wherewithal to post. Sending you all hugs. Peace, Trina
So very sorry for the loss of your husband. No one in this forum wanted to be a member, but this is a very comforting place for bereaved and grieving spouses. My beloved husband Joseph passed on 4th August, 2014, and to this day I deeply grieve his loss. So I understand and so do the others here because we share the same terrible and heartbreaking experience of having lost a beloved spouse, our partner, and soulmate.
Hope that the beautiful memories you have of your husband will help bring you some comfort.
THIS IS MARY JANE'S FIRST POST THAT DISAPPEARED:
A message from Mary. Jane to all members of Bereaved Spouses on LegacyConnect!I figured it was time to stop lurking, and introduce myself. I lost my soul mate a year ago, from various forms of cancer. It was only 4 months from diagnosis, until he died. Ironically, he had feared CANCER his entire life. It was like he KNEW he would die from it. We were married 48 yrs, 4 months and 4 days. This June would have been. Our golden anniversary. I LOOKED FOR AN ONLINE PLACE LIKE THIS for nearly one year..so I am happy to have found it. I read all your posts, and sympathize with everyone.however NONE of you have my problem that y,all take for granted. I DON!T DRIVE! So I have to depend on neighbors etc to take me everywhere. Eventually I will b moving back to California, to be with my daughter..but downsizing is a horrible thing to do. All the things that were my husbands...I just CAN'T dispose of them...realistically I know I have to, but I find myself buying more stuff...stuff I don,t need...little things, maybe $10 or less...a friend who's husband died too, said she did that ...did any of you try to ease your pain that way? I miss him, but a part to me likes being able to make my own decisions. In the morning when I wake up I forget he.s gone..it's almost like I can see him there next to me for just a second, and then I remember. It took me nearly one year to finally realize he wasn't just on some long vacation, and he wasn,t going to walk in the back door and laugh and say "I'm home!" I talk to him all day long, and I keep a journal. It helps. Some how I have to toss out the remnants of a nearly 50 year marriage...and I am NOT young any more. Well, this is who I am..I DIDN,t post a picture of Bob cuz I knew he wouldn,t want me to. He DIDN,t know how to use the computer, nor did he want to...he didn't trust it. Ok I have rambled long enough Thanks for listening.
Mary Jane ... My deepest condolences to you on the loss of your husband and I'm so sorry that you have to be here in this group. No one would have ever guessed they would belong to a grief group here, but, it's a wonderful place to come where we can speak from the heart and no one judges. The people on here are angels and we all know how you feel. Many are fresh into their journey of grief of some of us such as myself have had a few years. My husband Ernie passed away April 27, 2011 of pancreatic cancer and I still talk to him and have my teary days. Knew each other 45 years and just missed our 40th wedding anniversary.
I can sympathize that you can't drive and it does make your world smaller and even though down-sizing to be with your daughter is difficult and takes a lot of your energy to do so it's a good thing. I have no children so I can get very lonely. My immediate family is very small and I don't always get to see them. I noticed also within a year that long-time friends began to disappear out of my life as their went on with their own lives. Grief is such a strange and cruel journey for all of us, but I always believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Don't be upset over posting as it happens to all of us. As Deb S said it just happens for some reason and often the post will end up on here.
It is difficult to down-size and perhaps what you could do is keep very personal items of your husband's that mean something to you and take them along with you.
I completely understand what you are saying about shopping and $10 here or there. I did that myself and eventually realized I just didn't want to be at home alone all the time crying and needed to get back out into society, but the biggest reason is many of us ladies shop to fill in that terrible void left in our hearts after our spouses have passed away. At first it's a good feeling, but it fades quickly. I am retired so like many who are have to watch my pennies and try to balance my mind and heart to deal with what future I have left. To this day I still almost think my Ernie is coming up the driveway from work or, he's been on a business trip. It's like a bad dream. It's all normal feelings Mary Jane. All of us look at what we have left of our dear spouses and it seems so empty and unreal. This is it! A few clothes, etc.
Bob sounds much like my husband who never wanted to learn the computer either no matter how hard I tried to get him interest in it. As you post you'll find you have something in common with most of us.
I know it took courage for you to post on Legacy, but so happy you found this wonderful site that Steve Cain so lovingly put together no doubt in memory of his own dear wife who passed away. We are all here for you no matter how far you move. Just post and we're here for you.
I hope you don't mind, but I pasted your post introducing yourself back onto this forum so others could see and respond. I hope that helps you.
Big hug to you because you need it!
Mary Jane, How frustrating for your post to disappear into cyberspace. That happens to me here sometimes too. There is no rhyme or reason. I type a post and then it is gone. I FEEL your pain. Please do not get frustrated and give up on us. Most of the time the posts do go through. I promise. HUGS! Debbie
Mary Jane, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for jumping in and sharing a bit about yourself.
You do have what might be a unique challenge. Does the lack of driving ability leave you feeling even more isolated?
I do not know your circumstances but wonder whether you might consider learning how to drive. You will never have better mentors or cheerleaders than the amazing people on this site.
As to your question about spending habits? YES! My husband passed away on 7/22/15. As I mentioned in my post to Chuck, I would like to donate his clothing and personal effects to others. The blessings would be incredible. Yet, I haven't been able to follow through. At the same time, I can and do go on spending frenzies. These items do not add to my enjoyment of life. Perhaps they are an ill intentioned avenue at trying to recapture the joy of having my husband by my side. Presently, I am on a self-imposed spending respite. Please know that you are not alone and thanks for sharing that you are going through this too.
Prayers and hugs are with you. Debbie
Chuck, Yikes about your driveway! What is your forecast? Will you be able to decamp soon?
Slowing down is imperative right now. Although I am able to find joy I am still battling the reality of feeling like a lost soul. Since my husband passed away, I have simplified. Recently, I have become a Zillow addict. What if I bought a second house somewhere? What if I bought one near my daughter or near a beach? How would that feel? Would that fill the emptiness I feel? . . . REALLY? I do not need a second house. Instead, I need to feel comfortable and happy with my present reality - in my house, the house Bob and I built just 5 years ago.
I cannot offer any insight into the triggering of your recent dreams of Larry. During my dreams, Bob is omnipresent in the beginning and missing by the end. I wake up and am reminded that he is missing by the end because he is no longer physically by my side.
BTW, I sorted through Bob's clothes with the intent of donating them and blessing others. I got as far as moving them from his closet to the living room. They are still not blessing others and they do not enhance the living room. Geez. It is what it is and it isn't necessarily pretty.
Thanks for reminding me that the sadness does dissipate at times. You are amazing!!! Love, Debbie
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