Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Struggling with reality

Started by Corey. Last reply by Diamond Mar 29. 5 Replies

Nine days and a whirlwind of emotions.

Started by Tiffany Phillips. Last reply by Sara Murphy Jan 27. 12 Replies

My love.

Started by brenda may. Last reply by Marsha H Jan 12. 10 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on Tuesday
You have us, MARSHA. I know it might seem insignificant , but we are here. All I have here in Oklahoma, are Bobs relatives, and I am only completely comfortable with his sister. I have some serious trust issues with most people. They offer to assist me all the time, but I don,t take their offers for reasons that I choose not to put on the internet...could b my imagination, but since Bob died, but that is how I feel.
how old was this kid? Don,t waster your time on these people. Keep,working to save animals, and life has a way of working out. I promise. Do you LIKE these people? When they just drop in, tell them they have to call first, you have other plans, thanks anyway, and get in your car and drive around the block. This is a will get better, you will meet people...think of THIS: how would u feel if you couldn,t DRIVE? You have the option to get in a car and go anywhere u please. I DON!T DRIVE and there is NO public transportation out here in Bum-(you now what) nowhere, so I am stuck! LOL. I have Rudy-The-wonder-kitty, and some great neighbors who take me to the store and Dr visits, and my daughter tries to come for a week every few months...but that's it. My close
Friends are all in California...MARSHA I promise it will get matter how crummy our lives seem, there is always that spark deep down that helps us get through the bad times. Why do you want to spend time with people who treat u badly...just because they're related to u doesn,t mean you have to like them! You GO GIRL! You r a sweet loving person, and this too shall pass.
Comment by Deb on Tuesday

Dear Marsha, So sorry that your nephew said such an awful thing to you that hurt your feelings. Please try not to take it heart. Seems family and friends are just too self centered to care about anyone else besides themselves. I only have one sister in the area and have been living out of the US for more than 20 years so don't have any friends left here--Spend most of my time completely alone...Believe me, I know what you're going through. Just know that you're not alone with your feelings, Hold on tight to the memories that you have of your dear Ernie.  My Dean passed just over 3 years ago and would be turning 75 on April 29th...I was blessed to find a new partner and we were very happy but last November he had a stroke and is stuck in the UK recovering.  Life just isn't fair!  I rarely post but wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and know how you feel. Love, Deb

Comment by Marsha H on Monday

Hi everyone ...  I've been having very rough days and deeply depressed and trying so hard to snap out of it. I will try describe it as best I can.

As you all know I'm 75, but people say I don't look over 60 and I have good energy and a good sense humor.  I am well liked wherever I go, but still having a difficult time with my small immediate family and problems with friends as well as trying to make new friends.

Firstly, on Easter I was taking pictures and no one else was; these occasions have always meant a lot to me and Ernie and I were always the 'picture takers.'  Memories!  Now that Ernie is gone no one thinks to take a picture of me so I asked one nephew if he would take a picture of his mom and I and he was taking the picture when his brother said, 'Auntie Marsha, cross your arms over your chest.'  HUH?  I asked him why and he giggled and said, 'So it looks like you're in a coffin!'  I was so shocked and hurt and blasted him for saying something so stupid as that.  He said he was just joking, but I felt it was an odd thing to say or perhaps I'm just over sensitive.  I have had pot shots from 'dear, elderly, etc.,' a lot lately and I have to say it really bugs the heck out of me.  It makes me think of what other people see when they look at me.  I always dress nice, look pretty presentable and am extroverted.  What's missing?  Apparently anyone over the age of 60 has had a lobotomy.  LOL 

My family isn't the closest family and it's small, so I feel quite lonely and seldom see my Great-niece.  I have been open and honest as to how I feel and figure seeing my Great-niece every couple of weeks isn't stepping on anyone's personal space and I get from my nephew that he'll ask me down, but it never happens.  I'm tired of practically begging for this or for getting help around the outside of my home.  It shouldn't be this way as Ernie and I were always there for our friends.  That's another problem; friends promise to have me over (would be great to get out of my house every once in awhile) and when it never happens it's such a disappointment.  No invitations to see old friends since Ernie passed away yet some have no problem coming and plunking their butts at my house or a 'quick visit.'  I have tried very hard to get out there and volunteer and make friends and the lady that runs the dog shelter and I are close friends, but she's super busy, lives a long ways from me so we don't get together for a coffee or lunch.  I got to Bible Study and the people are really fantastic, but they don't engage in a coffee or lunch even though some promise, but it never happens.  I don't know what else to do and when each weekend comes I dread the thought.  One girlfriend does come on Fridays, but she is now seeing more of her family and I do understand that.  I feel our relationship is dissipating because of it and I will just have to roll with the punches.  To me the world has gone crazy and everything is so different where people aren't as friendly or wary of others.  All this has been very depressing for me and I love having people around me or doing things with friends.  I feel like I'm nothing but a ghost at times.  I know if I could make new friends, my old friends were more vigilant in inviting me over the odd time I would be fine.  My grief has subsided after 6 years although I still talk to Ernie and miss him with all my heart, but how do you reinvent yourself when others are so restrained from doing so.

Thanks for letting me vent my dear family.



Comment by Marsha H on April 22, 2017 at 3:42pm

My dear Chuck ...  I was in tears when I read your post and know how difficult it is for you to go through your anniversary.  Ernie's is coming up April 27th.  I wish I was there to give you a huge hug big brother.

Love you & thinking of you.

Your Sis


Comment by Mary. Jane on April 22, 2017 at 12:45pm
Ok part 2 for STEVE. Honestly, there IS a point to this, STEVE..but I am going to give a condensed version as telling it last night threw me into a huge is really too soon for me to b writing this, but WE CANNOT BLAME OURSELFS for their death. Sooo, after he came home, it was a good 4 weeks. But they sent tons of medication that I had to keep straight I was terrified I would mess up...but I DIDN, forward to the second hospital stay in Feb, where they discovered a tumor in his was not passing thru...they had to insert a tube in his stomach for liquids to pass thru. After 2 weeks, and a lot of talk with the only nice doctors called palatine care, which means "get ready for his death" they brought him home by ambulance...with enough liquid food for one month, and machines, tubes, medication..everything had to b fed by tubes...even the meds had a separate tube a
No told me I WAS GOING TO DO THIS. ME? So I made the decision tontake videos of everything. I knew he was going to die, and I DIDN,t want to beat myself up after, thinking I had done something wrong, or I could have done more.they were short videos, maybe seconds long, and I wrote everything down. Al through this nightmare, Bob was wonderful. He never complained, he was always coherent and his wonderful sense of humor had returned. He talk to friends on the phone, his words were slurred, but I could interpret. The night b4 he died, he took my hand, kissed it and said "thank you" and he died the next afternoon.
So, if there is ever a minute I think I could of done more, I have those mini videos, and I know I did everything I could and more. It took me almost a year to be able to look at only the fist second of each one, and you all might think that was a HORRIBLE thing to do...but I am greatful I did. He only lived 4 days after he came home...and there is a lot more to this story..but all of you have your own pain and the point to this is DON'T BEAT YOURSELVES UP, thinking you did anything wrong. It was their time to go. They are happy now, and they know how much we love them, I truly believe they are watching over us. Love never dies...I talk. to Bob all day...and I KNOW he can hear me. Thanks for reading, kids.
Comment by Mary. Jane on April 21, 2017 at 9:01pm
STEVE I have so much more to say, but I cannot do it tonight. Please remember, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG and IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT HE DIED. Bob died of a combination of lung, brain and stomach cancer, but he had a bicycle accident around 2010' when he SLAMMED his head into pavement..he came home, we went to the Dr, they said to watch him, and that was it for then...but we watched him go downhill. It was very very slow..but he was never the same. His balance, will, attitude began to change..he slowed down..oddly, he was ALWAYS afraid of when he thought he had the flu, the Dr had him have a CT scan, and there was a small lump in one lung. So he had lung cancer...that was November 2015. Then the cancer dri decided to scan his brain. They could only do a CT scan,as he had a pacemaker...and couldn,t have an they did the CT scan, and found some brain tumors. We were better with the thought of the lung cancer..that would have given him 5 years of life...but I KNEW there was something wrong with his brain..I had watched my soulmate slow down..and I was terrified.
The first seizure came in January. It was 6:15 am when he started to convulse. I held on to him while it was happening, and told him don,t be worried, it's just a seizure. He said My words had scared him more than the seizure. It is very hard to write this, so I will write more tomorrow...but please know you did everything you could for Mark. There are probably 2 more parts to this story, but I am drained remembering and telling all of I will b back tomorrow. Ironically, the hospital stay for the seizures was a CAKE WALK compared to the rest of this story. Later...
Comment by Steve on April 21, 2017 at 7:52pm

Mary Jane,

Mark's illness was a neurological disorder very similar Parkinson's and so his doctors treated him with the same and similar meds, all of which were very strong and powerful pain killers and a mix of other drugs to try and control his seizures.  His disorder was genetic and no cure, most of the males from his mother's side of the family didn't survive beyond 50 or 60.  He and I would talk and he stated often that he doubted he would live beyond 50.  Most in his family contracted this horrid disease in their late 40's, Mark displayed symptoms soon after his birth.  He was treated until he was about nine then the symptoms left, leaving him with a few side effects.  It wasn't until 2004 that he started displaying symptoms again.  We were living in south Florida and we went to the Mayo clinic in Miami.  The doctors were convinced he was suffering from the beginning stages of Parkinson's and so began his decline.  It was painful enough seeing his health decline and his dependency on his medication increase, along with his seizures.  To this day I still second guess everything I did or didn't do, the day he died still replays in my mind without warning.  Knowing and watching someone die still does not prepare or alleviate the grief of it all.  There were days I really did not think I could or even want to continue my life.  So many emotions, so many memories, I still wonder what I am doing some days.  Each day does get easier and each day brings it's own challenges...and to borrow a cliché, life does go on. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on April 21, 2017 at 7:14pm
STEVE...was Marks death unexpected? I don,t understand why they called the police when u called the ambulance..oh, wait, I just "got it". Bob died at home too...but hospice told me NOT to call an ambulance, but to call THEM when he I see why.if I had called the ambulance first, they would have called the police. I am sorry that happened to you...but You and I got what others DIDN'T get...a short time alone with our partner with just us after they died. Although most of it was horrid, we both got a few private moments with them. I knew it was going to be a very short time until Bob died, but I DIDN,t realize it would be that short. I had left his side for just a moment...when I realized I couldn,t hear his breathing on the baby monitor I always carried...and ran into the room he was in, and he was gone. I got to hold him, and kiss him, I even tried to resesitate I covered him with his blanket, but left his nose and mouth uncovered, in case he "came back" he could breathe. There was no ambulance...just a hospice nurse, and then a hearse, and they asked me if I had clothes I wanted him creamated in, so I gave them some clothes, and they wheeled him away. I had them remove the t-shirt he died was clean, hospice had been there that morning...and I folded that shirt and kept it. I keep it inside a plastic bag in the backpack I have with anything I wish to keep in case there is a tornado...and a few times I have opened it, and it still has his good smell...and that was it. He was gone and he is never coming back.
Comment by Harold McKinstry on April 21, 2017 at 6:31pm


Nice Letter to Larry, you said what a lot of feels but have a hard time putting into words. Diane knew the way to look through my different faces for different situations and see the real me also. My Sister is a going through a Divorce, she had a simple medical procedure done and I went to the Hospital for her. She told me not to worry she would be there for me too. Hang in there my Friend. You help all of us a lot. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 21, 2017 at 6:18pm

Dear Chuck,

I just read your post on the 2nd anniversary of Larry's passing, and I can't stop the tears from flowing. Your letter to Larry voices so many of the things that I would tell Joseph if I were writing to him--how much I miss him and how I will never stop loving him for as long as I live.

You show courage when you say some of the more difficult things personal things about your life together with Larry. But your courage and frankness are a tribute to Larry's memory. Larry knows how much you love him and what you did or didn't do was out of your deep love for him.

On this day of remembrance and introspection, I send you much love. Please know that I am holding you close and sending you prayers for healing and peace.

With love and deep empathy, Trina


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