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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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get your ex back

Started by Monica. Last reply by Claretha Rice Jun 18. 4 Replies

I used to love long week ends.

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H Jun 6. 2 Replies

A family of one

Started by Sandfly. Last reply by Marsha H May 31. 6 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on June 20, 2017 at 10:18am
SCENARIO:
You wake up..as you get out of bed..you are careful not to disturb your sleeping partner, as you exit the bed...sometimes, you even take a few steps..trying to be quiet..and then you remember...you are alone.
Comment by Mary. Jane on June 19, 2017 at 2:41pm
OMG!..STEVE..using a lamp for your loved ones remains in the coolest, most beautiful thing I have ever seen!! The symbolism of shining his light through the depths of darkness is so touching! Plus, the fact that you built it for him, and you...and your new life where he can still light up your world...I have never even imagined such a lovely way to both honor a loved one, and at the same time, sort of !"keep his light with you always"
While I wish I could keep Bobs ashes with me forever, he ALWAYS said how important if was to him that his ashes be scattered in a certain place he loved..but (It's ok to laugh here...) he granted me permission to keep,some of the with me always.
I must tell you all, Bob was ALWAYS afraid of cancer..even when he was in his 20's, it was like he always knew how he would die. I am just now realizing how TERRIFIED he was of knowing this. FEar ruled a major part of his life...and when he would get sick during his life, when he was younger, he would never see a doctor...because he knew they would find cancer. So during any illness, fear made him really grumpy and in horrible moods when ever he got sick.
Sooo, when he was diagnosed with cancer, everyone expected him to be very difficult to deal with emotionally. To our SHOCK, he was just the opposite. He was NOT freaked out, his moods were always good, laughing, I won,t go as far as saying he was 'happy' but I think he was. He had ALWAYS known this would happen, and he spent his entire life being afraid of it..and when it actually DID happen, he wasn,t afraid anymore. The difference in his attitude was astonishing. During the entire 4 months from diagnosis to death, he was loving, BRAVE, funny, he never complained, he wasn,t angry anymore...because he DIDN,t have to be afraid anymore.
We both knew as soon as he was diagnosed, that he would never recover. We never put that into words, but it was never an issue of "If" but one of "WHEN"
Ok, Sorry this post turned from a lovely lamp, into this..but sometimes I start trying, and go off into a completely different direction. I would like to tell you where he wants his ashes scattered, but that's for another post...I am done with this story for now..but it is great to have y'all to tell this to, and I thank you all.
Comment by Sandfly on June 19, 2017 at 12:12am

Steve, I absolutely love the lamp. So beautiful and poignant. Also  love the symbolism as I am sure he was the light of your life. Sara,DJ, Marsha and Mary Jane, thanks so much for your comments.  Mary Jane I am so glad you survived the big 50th wedding anniversary. Well done. it is such a huge milestone and in my opinion it is still is. I believe we continue our relationship, just in a different way. Still sucks we can not see them though.

 I woke up this morning and could not stop crying, I am actually getting worse. Did not go to work AGAIN then I stressed out because I am afraid I may lose my job. Work is not going well, I started a new role (They restructured and my other job disappeared) in the same place when I went back to work after my darling died. I still have no idea of what I am supposed to be doing or, when I know what I should be doing, I don't know how to do it. It is a nightmare. I have already spoken to my boss and he has been supportive but now I just feel like a nuisance. I am embarassed as well as scared  So I just don't go. Avoidance is my middle name.

Anyway, I ended up going to see a puppy! I drove for an hour and a half to get there .They had a litter of  labradors, 2 weeks old. I put a black male on hold then drove back. Was so unsure about what to do. A puppy is a big commitment and I work full time. It was also 1,200 (NZ) dollars. I cried on the way back an I asked my husband, his name is David,  to give me a sign. Guess what! The lady from second chance dog rescue rang me today and said she has the perfect dog for me. A female 7 year old bearded collie cross (That actually looks like a lab), loves cats and can be at home alone without anxiety. I took that as a sign! The owner health is deteriorating and Nellie needs rehoming. And I can foster her to start with and if she does not work out they will find her a suitable home.Cancelled the puppy which was gorgeous and I am a little excited about Nellie. I hope she works out. Mr Pip (my cat) has the final say though. Will keep you posted :) 

Comment by Sara Murphy on June 18, 2017 at 10:18pm

Steve.......that's a beautiful lamp you found to use as an urn for Mark.  Very talented, I wouldn't have been able to do any such thing.  I have Ken's ashes in a beautiful urn I picked out at the funeral home and also chose a heart shaped necklace which has his ashes as well.  It's very discreet so I can wear it to work and nobody has any idea of how special it is.

Comment by Sara Murphy on June 18, 2017 at 10:06pm

Sandfly....I just read your post and my heart breaks for you even though I feel the same way.  One of the things I found most helpful when I first found this site was when someone else took the words and thoughts from my head and typed them here.  At that point I knew I found "my people"....people who actually understood.  Until then, I thought something was wrong with me.  I didn't understand the depths of this grief until I lost Ken and so I thought I was wrong for feeling the way I was feeling.  Even now at 17 months out, I want nothing more than to be with him.   I tell him all the time that I don't know how much longer I can do this.  My end game is still what it's always been, to spend eternity with my soul mate, my one true love.  Unfortunately for me, it's something that's going to have to wait for now.  I have 4 beautiful nieces that I want to watch grow up, I have a couple of nephews that are just about there (18 & 21) and Ken would be SO MAD at me if I did anything to hurt myself so I'll stay put until the good Lord calls me home Himself.   The good thing is time doesn't exist in Heaven so for him, it'll be the blink of an eye and I'll be there.   I too have Ken's ashes here in my bedroom.  It makes me feel better to have him close even though I know he's with me wherever I go. 

You have found your people too......those of us who understand in a way that others who have not experienced this profound loss could.  Please reach out to us anytime.  Many times I've wished we all lived close enough that I could give you a hug in person but I'll have to send you this cyber hug instead.

Sara 

Comment by Sara Murphy on June 18, 2017 at 9:40pm

Michael......I'm still trying to catch up on the posts so I just read yours now.  I lost my husband Ken on 1/13/16 which I also note as the day my life ended as well.  I still cry for him most days so what you're feeling is normal, even having trouble with going into your living room.  I too have difficulty being around family when it's a family gathering.  I'm fine if I see someone individually but with family gatherings, such as today at my brother's house for a Father's Day cookout, I notice the family is incomplete because Ken is not there.   Last weekend I went to Ken's brothers' house to visit my father in-law.  It was nice to see them and I know Ken would want me to but if I don't initiate the contact, it would never happen.  I hope coming here helps you realize you're not alone and what you feel is normal........even if it doesn't feel normal.

Sending a hug your way.

Sara

Comment by Steve on June 18, 2017 at 7:24am

Comment by Steve on June 18, 2017 at 7:23am

Sandfly and All my Legacy family,

Mark and I, long before his passing, had discussed each other’s final wishes should the unthinkable happen.  For Mark, his choice was simplistic and yet thoughtful; he wanted his body donated to research and his cremains spread somewhere of my choosing or placed in an urn until I passed and then have our ashes added together before releasing.  In either scenario, it would be my choice, Mark knew he had a neurological disorder of the genetic kind that was still not understood or researched to the extent of other disorders.  Anyone born with this disease was given the same treatments for Parkinson’s as this was the closest thing and it was easier for those with it to just say they have Parkinson’s.

I followed his request and arranged for Southwestern University Medical to pick him up from the coroner.  Then in turn notified me when they were finished with details of where and how I could arrange for pickup of his cremains.  His cremains were in a black box which was placed in a beautiful velvet bag, the color was the darkest navy blue I have ever seen, it looked black until the light would hit it and then you could see the navy blue.  Just so happens that Mark’s favorites colors were all the royal colors of red, blue, green and gold.  I decided to place his cremains into a lamp, so off I went looking in second hand stores hoping to find the right lamp, nothing really in my mind, but I would know when I saw it.  And find it indeed, first trip out with all the colors he loved.  The lamp needed some repair, but not too much and this is something I enjoyed anyway, finding discarded lamps and repurposing them.

I also went online and found a small cobalt container with a Celtic cross that one could place a small amount of cremains inside, it is attached to a leather necklace and can be worn if so inclined.

This all seemed to follow Mark’s wishes and so to this very day, each time I turn on the lamp I think of Mark and yes, most days I am saying good morning or good night to him, the smaller container is loosely draped around the neck of the lamp and hangs to the side, while going thru my first year without Mark I wore it 27/7, now I know where it is and can choose the occasion to bring Mark along with me.

I took a picture this morning of the lamp and will attempt to post it, might have to separate it separately, hope this helps others who may be struggling with similar decisions and also let them know that you are not crazy, spooky or otherwise; there is no right or wrong way to dealing with cremains or grief.  Just do what you feel is right, that is the correct choice for all.

Steve

Comment by Mary. Jane on June 17, 2017 at 10:01pm
Well, this day wasn,t bad at all! I spent it quietly, doing nothing...I dunno what I expected..I had my two bourbons and ginger ales, then ate 2 cookies..Cheryl's from online...watched The Golden Girls all day, I have a slight headache and feel a little sick from the sugary cookies..actually think the Nyasia was stress related from being afraid of how I MIGHT feel..but it was actually a better day than I have had in two weeks. Thanks to all who were concerned for me..I think that concern really helped.
You see, today would have been Bobs and mine 50th wedding anniversary. Yup, the big GOLDEN one. We never really celebrated anniversaries that much...and I know if he.d lived another year and a half he wouldn,t have wanted a big party or any fuss, which would have made me angry, and we would probably had a fight and I would have spent the day pouting. LOL
So, bye for now, Bob...it.s time to get on with my new life..I will love you forever and ever. Ironically, they said it wouldn,t last the first year...we got married 8 months after we met. We just knew we were meant to be together. We were the fortunate ones...everyone here is..because we had love...and there are so many people in this world who NEVER find what all of us here had, and live their entire lives lonely. Salute my friends...and goodnight to all.
Comment by Mary. Jane on June 17, 2017 at 9:17pm
Sandfly, I read your post this morning, and I have been thinking about it all day. Your words were as if I had written them...you said a lot of was is in my heart right now. My heartfelt advice to you, is to slow down...take tiny baby steps...get through one hour at a time...or one minute...that is what I try to do..because if I even THINK of accomplishing anything more, I become frozen...and overwhelmed. Your husband died one month to the exact DAY that mine did...the 23rd of Feb...and I am just now "waking up". I too have my husbands ashes sitting right next to me. I have plans to scatter them in time, but I find comfort in the fact they are right next to me. No, I don,t have an urn,,they are in the same plastic box from the mortuary...but I put them in a cloth bag, which has a print of paint splatters on the fabric, that my daughter and I found at the Dollar Tree...it is perfect...he was an artist, and it hides the name of the mortuary that handled his cremation. It will b awhile b 4 I scatter them, but that's ok. We have to wait until WE are ready...I have heard that we will know when the time is right, and I believe that.
I too, have thought of suicide..and also have the means to do it, but I don,t. I think there is a plan for those of us who are 'left behind', and I would like to see what it is. I think you would, too. At least for a few years...I also have a cat, and he gives my life purpose. We all need a purpose. I think it will be wonderful if you decide to finish your husbands book...but now is not the time. Just the THOUGHT of accomplishing something so major is going to be overwhelming, and cause you major stress..so I would put that on the back burner for awhile. What I WOULD do, is keep a journal..and write down thoughts or ideas for his book..when you think of them...I have a terrible memory since Bob died..so I try to write down everything I think I might want to remember.
Also, I TALK to Bob all day. I dunno if he is listening, but it gives me comfort..ok, I KNOW he is listening...Sandfly, hope is what keeps us going. And I know you have hope, as I do, otherwise we wouldn,t be here on this site.
I feel it is ok to be ANGRY! And GUILTY! We beat ourselfs up..by things like DIDN,t I do enough, or would he still be alive if I was there? I had left the room for a minute when Bob died..he wasn,t expected to die for months..but he died..we can,t keep beating ourselves up, we are not responsible for their death! It is ok to get angry...I too, imagine Bob flying through the stars, happy and at peace...then I look around at what is left of my life, and I get mad cuz I am left to pick up the pieces..as we all are here. They are free, and we are not..but I figure that life has other plans for us..so we go on one day at a time..as hard as that is, we do it. When Bob was sick, I wondered out loud if he wanted to en dit early..and he said NO..he wanted to "see this thing throug"? I thought that was very very brave. As for your pill attempt...it was NOT a FAILURE...it was a gift. You are pretty young yet, and maybe when all this pain gets better, some wonderful things will happen to you. I hope so.
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