Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Navigating Widow-hood

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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on May 15, 2019 at 4:34pm

Steve ... I loved your post and what you said is true, people really don't want to know how you really feel.  I think we all go through that and I had a good laugh at how you are handling it.  I may take that to mind and do the same thing.

Much Love

Your sis


Comment by Marsha H on May 15, 2019 at 4:33pm

Diane C ...  Your yard sounds lovely with all the ponds.  I know what you mean about the trees.  I have 5, 350 foot Cedar trees in the back and the 3rd year after Ernie passed away I had a pro come in and hack off just the bottom branches and it cost me $2,000 so not going there again as I just can't afford it.  I am also having difficulty finding a gardener to just keep up the rockery garden which was Ernie's hobby and because we've had mixed weather and our share of rain the weeds are doing well and the garden rockery is a mess.  It's just too much for me so don't know what I'm going to do.  

I have applied for a little dog in foster care in the States not that far from me and she's 6 years old.  I didn't want a pup or too young a dog.  This little female dog is so sweet and everything I would hope for.  Unfortunatly these shelters are way out of control and they put you through a lot of red tape and I just found out that sometimes they will take your age into consideration and won't even let you have a 6 year old dog.  What the hell!  My vet backs me 100% as well as family and friends and I have proof I'm an excellent 'dog mom.'  So now I'm not sure if I am getting this sweet little dog.  Often the shelters don't even provide you with an answer as to why they didn't consider your application.  I am so frustrated because with new technology and the way they are changing things it's not making it easier, but harder.  I am beside myself and so angry about being deemed 'too old.'  That's discrimination and if I find out that's the reason all hell is going to break loose and I'll go to the media about it.  I am energetic and people don't believe the age I am.  I see 50 year olds with less get up and go as myself.  How can they judge me when they haven't even met me.  Go figure.

Sorry for rambling on, but just frustrated and fear I won't get this little dog.  I still miss my little Tootsie, but know she is in a better place.  She was 16 and I do believe she struggled to hang on a bit longer for me and I love her even more for that, but then there comes a time you know your loving companion has to go and it's the best gift you can give them.

Thank you for the lovely compliment and I do care about my friends and give 110%. I am happy to be there for them and hope I ease their pain or keep their courage up.

I am happy to hear from other posts you are doing much better.  I agree that our spouses are always in our hearts and that the deep grief we once had has become more silent not that we forget our spouses, but we can at least laugh or even cry sometimes at the memories they left us.  It's a different leg of a journey for all of us and we all eventually get into a routine.  It's surprising how tough we really are and that is a gift we learned about from grief.

Hope you get those trees cut so you don't have to worry about having one fall on you again.

Love & Hugs as always


Comment by Marsha H on May 15, 2019 at 4:16pm

Dear Deborah P...  I had to giggle with you and your wine at your grandson's b/d.  Did you have it in a bag!  LOL  I can understand exactly how you feel and even after 8 years of Ernie's passing I can feel the loss, wishing he was with me and don't totally enjoy all events with family or friends, but I manage to find something to enjoy as life is so precious.  How wonderful and kind of your daughter and you to have the b/d party to your grandson and try to keep things as normal as possible for him.  Children grieve as well, but much quieter about it.  You both made his day and I sure hope you did't dance on the table top after that wine!  LOL



Comment by Marsha H on May 15, 2019 at 4:13pm

Dear Sara ...  Thank you so much for the lovely post and the encouragement you gave me.  2019 has not been a kind year for me and I'm so sick of either hearing about death or experiencing a friend or dear pet passing away.  I try to do the best I can.  Right now trying to find a shelter dog for Booker my other dog and here is hoping.  Shelters make it very difficult to adopt and a lot of red tape.  

I hope you are doing well and have some peace and happiness in your life Sara.  As always when I post you are right there for me and I really appreciate it.



Comment by Marsha H on May 15, 2019 at 4:08pm

Deb P ...  Praying must work and so happy to hear that your home and the property are still dry.  I have left you a post about whether the 2nd year of Greg's passing is worse and I'd like to add that without us realizing it there are a few less tears.  They will always be in our hearts and the back of our minds.  I have my days, but most of the time I try to keep busy and it helps.  Keep as active as you can and surround yourself with family and friends every so often and don't be afraid to treat yourself every so often such possibly going to spa or going out for dinner or movie or both for that matter with a good friend.  Keep getting out in society as it really helps.  It's now been 8 years since Ernie passed and yes, I shed some tears, but the deep ache isn't so bad now.  



Comment by Marsha H on May 15, 2019 at 4:02pm

Dear Deborah ,,,  The first year I now know I was in shock and almost zombie-like, but had the sense to have a friend come with me to do all the red tape needed to be done.  The 2nd year all I can say was a mixed bag of emotions.  I knew my Ernie was gone and nothing I could do about it, but I missed him so much.  The good news is that I realized how much stronger I had become and doing things I had to do that Ernie use to do.  The grief does go down to a dull roar and I found keeping busy and yes, even volunteering helps a lot and keeps you in the real world.  

You're going to make it girl and what you are going through is very normal.  It takes time and you are doing just fine.

Love & Hugs


Comment by Diane C on May 15, 2019 at 11:39am


So glad to hear the water is receding!! I can only imagine the relief you are now feeling.

I think the 2nd year is much harder for everyone. The first year is extremely difficult, because you are busy dealing with life and the motions you have to go through. By now, most of those things that keep your mind occupied are now done. Giving you even more time to grieve. Although this year is 7 for me, I still grieve, it's just not as deep. Not sure if that is the right word. You will always have Greg in your heart, and you will always think about him, but you will be able to laugh again and think about those fun times you had and smile with those thoughts. I haven't been able to go through pictures yet, but I will and I am sure that will bring a lot of heavy tears and a lot of smiles too. Hang in there and know that everyone on Legacy is here for you!


Comment by Sara Murphy on May 15, 2019 at 11:39am
Marsha.....I'm catching up on the past couple weeks and see that you've lost Tootsie. I'm so sorry about this, especially being that it was so close to Ernie's anniversary date and the passing of your friend. Too much loss in a short time. I know without a doubt that Tootsie is now with Ernie and they're both watching over you and taking care of you. I hope you can feel their presence.
Big hugs for you.
Comment by deborah peck on May 15, 2019 at 11:33am

I for got to tell you all that Saturday was my grandsons birthday party and even though we were not feeling it my daughter had a party for him here at my house which was worse since this is where Greg passed away but while the kids played we played games and had some wine, well a lot of wine and for awhile forgot about the date and had good laughs so it was nice until everyone left. My oldest granddaughter told me yesterday the she hadn't seen me laugh that much in a long time, funny what people notice

Comment by deborah peck on May 15, 2019 at 11:29am

Steve you explained it perfectly, as the years went by after my 1st husband passed away Greg would always say he could tell when the date was near because I would be very crabby and quiet sometimes before I even realized what was wrong with me. So I think those dates are always in the back of our minds even though its been 31 years since my 1st husband Rob passed


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