Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Lost my husband

Started by Mary Clough. Last reply by Linda Price yesterday. 97 Replies

Hello, and Thank You

Started by George Chavez. Last reply by DJ Aug 3. 7 Replies

Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1. 4 Replies

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Comment by Christine Blaire on November 28, 2017 at 6:22pm

Well, went for tests today, mammogram chest X-Ray and ultrasound. Seems there is a large mass about an inch and very dense and yes, it's cancer. So, Monday I talk to a breast cancer Dr and they scheduled a biopsy for Tuesday morning. I told them hold it! I've done research and know that no two women react the same And all that. I just want nature to take its course,why biopsy when we know already it's cancer. I've noticed it since August but couldn't do anything about it at that time. My Marshall knew about the lump. He said if it weren't for me he wouldn't have tried anything and both daughter s said he would have been destroyed if something happened to me. So, he went first and he did promise to wait for me. The median time for someone with breast cancer and doesn't have treatment is 2 1/2 years give or take. So be it. I cannot go ten to twenty years without him. Check my mom is 91!  So I am strangely at peace. There was a reason he got sick and went so fast. He did a karaoke show Sept. 17 and was gone Nov. 1. He knew.  Now I start my journey.

Comment by Marsha H on November 27, 2017 at 2:31pm

Linda ...  As Mary Jane said, you did nothing wrong.  Often when people have heart issues and if they are medications or have had heart surgery they are frightened and also some medications can change their personalities.  When my Ernie was battling pancreatic cancer he was on 3 different medications and I noticed how much his personality changed.  He went from a wonderful, sedate and loving man to striking out at me angrily.  I did what I could, but sometimes I would get angry back.  I tired so hard not to be, but he had become reclusive so I had no one to lean on.  All throughout our relationship we leaned on each other so I let him lean on me.  Not easy for sure.  I went through the guilt you are going through, but eventually realized I was just human, took a lot of angry words from him and being human just every so often would strike back.  To look after someone with a disease and especially one that will take their lives it must be extremely difficult to live under that pressure and we did our best for them.  Just like raw grief there are no words of comfort for them.  You are right, try not to think about it if possible and realize you did the best you could and believe he loved you and always will.

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 27, 2017 at 9:52am
Dear Linda
You did nothing to cause his death. Nothing. Him getting more cruel after his heart attack was his FEAR..of everything, mostly dying. My husband had some heart problems (his death wasn,t related to that) but now that he is gone, I mull over our life together and I realize he was afraid of everything health wise. He was really angry at the world, but and wanted to scream at the universe, but you were there, so he took it out on you. It seems a lot of men do that...I am just now realizing how terribly afraid of every little thing. Ok sorry this is short, but please believe, YOU had nothing to do with his anger..or his death.
Comment by Linda Victor on November 26, 2017 at 1:01pm
Page 2 from Linda Victor
Still trying to figure out this site and how to use it and trying to figure out my late fiances death just seems so much worse than when someone passes in and you know the reason and not left confused, shocked, and the guilt is too much, because there are times I do blame myself for his death and have even felt like I murdered him when i know logically that i loved him, treated him so great and have no clue even why he was fighting with me in the end over every little thing and got even more cruel after his heart attack and started to ans him back i could not let him verbally abuse me and keep saying nothing that was his excuse for breaking up with me that i answered him back but i don’t want to talk anymore about him, think about him, but this i do know i loved him with all my heart and that’s what counts not if he loved me back love is not this massive confusion after his death i don’t want to waste more time on this comment but can’t help thinking maybe i broke his heart i have to let it go i can’t contlnue like this. Thanks Linda V
Comment by Christine Blaire on November 26, 2017 at 11:35am

Last night was the celebration of my Marshall s life. It was amazing. There was good, karaoke, funny stories a beautiful slide show was made, the cake had our picture on it, solo much food. The friends and family....I can't thank enough. There had to be more tables and chairs brought in!  I cried most of the night but I know he would have had a ball

 It was definitely a send off that was all him.  His daughter said that since he knew about the size of this lump that he wanted to go first because having me go thru something like this would have destroyed him. He said he would wait for me I guess he felt it wouldn't be too long a wait. I look forward to Tuesday, actually feel at peace about it.I'm very worn out from so many emotions last night that I think I'm just gonna do nothing today. Love to you all

Comment by David Heggi on November 26, 2017 at 10:52am

Mary Jane,

Thank you for sharing.

I thought I was the only one who could not put it together,  Yes, an anniversary would be much better. Isn't it crazy: I wonder if Dave would be OK with this. But it is; we discussed everything together.  I can feel him smiling at me right now.

The celebration you had for Bob was perfect; it was not overshadowed by raw grief.

Dave's box of ashes are with me too on the sofa in my bedroom, and in a cloth bag.  I have not touched it since putting it there.

Thank you again, Mary Jane.  I was feeling guilty for not paying a much deserved tribute to an extraordinary life.


David H

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 25, 2017 at 10:38pm
David...if I were you, I would wait awhile, until you think you can host it without collapsing. I waiting one year to the day on the anniversary of Bobs death until I had a very small gathering. It would have been larger, but most of our friends and family are still in California..(we moved toTulsa 13 years ago when retired cuz the price of homes here are amazing).but I invitedhis sister, her family and a few friends we had here. My daughter flew out from California, we had finger foods, played his favorite music, David Byrne, Talking Heads, the Doors, and we put together a montage of photos which we hooked up to the TV and kept it running the entire time...and it wasn,t bad at all. We talked, ate and actually laughed as we remembered the good times and bad. His ashes are still here, not even in an urn, I have never opened the box from the sits right next to me by his chair in the living room, in a cloth bag with a pattern of paint splatters (he was an artist, and it is perfect)
There is no rush to do something like that until you feel ready..and I feel they are still with us, so I talk to Bob all the time, and it brings me do what you want in your own time. And stop hoping that poor health will cause an early death. We are ALL here for a reason...
There is NO WAY I could have done something like that so soon after he died, so if you aren,t. comfortable, wait until you are.
Comment by deborah peck on November 25, 2017 at 7:10pm

tomorrow would of been my 1st husband Robbys 66th birthday, its so very surreal to think of him when I am now griefing for my 2nd husband who just passed, I feel guilt for even thinking of him now when I'm in so much pain for Gregs passing but also know he is the father of my girls and I always think of him when things go on in their lives. When Greg and I first met he had a really hard time coming to grips with the fact that I would always love Robby too but its not like a divorce where most times you have fallen out of love, . He finally realized that I didn't compare the two men in my life, two different ime periods in my life, two different marraiges. But still very now to sort it all out in my head right now 

Comment by David Heggi on November 25, 2017 at 5:06pm

Dear Chris,

You didn't write to me, so you may not appreciate my 2 cents worth - I'll butt in anyway:

You are very brave to attend your beloved's celebration; I have been mulling over hosting a belated one for my beloved.  though don't know if I could follow it through, his loss hurts so much.  I'd be standing there - if I could stand at all, weak-kneed sobbing my heart out. It would be like tearing this scab off and beginning the process all over again.

I have health issues, doctors appointments to treat the results of my strokes.  And I don't care (either)

Though I'm sure I'll probably go, I will only half listen, going through the motions.  Then something will come along and distract me from the grief, and I will SOMEHOW get through - it's touch and go.  The scary part is not knowing if that will happen at all. I'll look back on the day and be amazed how I got through it   I have no idea how if I'll survive tomorrow.

I can't give you any answers, Chris; I can just  relate with you what I'm sure many of us are experiencing. Maybe misery does love company.  As I say  "it's whatever gets us thru the nite"

I'll be thinking about you

Hugs David H

Comment by Christine Blaire on November 25, 2017 at 3:45pm

Well, tonight is my husband's celebration of life party. My husband did karaoke shows for 17 years and there will be one at the vfw where he entertained for over three years. I have gotten dressed up as I always did for him. He was the entertainer and I his wife so I dressed the always made him proud. I'm not driving tonight which will be a good thing. Latvian will be my main course tonight! On another note, had a Dr appt yesterday. The result...I need a mammogram sandwich will be this Tuesday plus two chest trays and a scheduled needle biopsy if needed.. the Dr said I have a large mass at 10:00  on my left breast. She then started to talk about treatment because she is very very concerned. I had to tell her Wahoo!!  I'm not having any treatments. She said it could possibly be removed and not need chemo or radiation. Again I told her no. I have read that untreated it varies of course but two to two and a half are expected. That's fine with me. I can handle that and I know...after the shock of my husband's death I might change my mind and by then it will be too late. That song happen. I'm not living, I'm nearly existing. That won't change. So, I'm hoping for what I call the best on Tuesday. My daughter is .com Nguyen with me cause they will numb the area where they will take the biopsy. If I lay down and raise my arm over my head you can see most of the lump. Well, what will be will be. After I heard this a funny thing happened. I was strangely calm and peaceful. Well tonight won't be peaceful so wish me luck!!!!


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