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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1371
Latest Conversations: 15 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on May 3, 2018 at 10:48am

Hi Sara! I know exactly what you mean about the people and the facilitators..they mean well, but they did sound rehearsed and they have a workbook agenda which they refer to and it is all very nice..but I am way past the parts they discussed. It was kind of funny...cuz the entire  time I wanted to jump up and take control over the room, and ask each person what is the thing that is bothering you the most at this stage of your grief..( I am NOT a SHY person, lol) 

It is 13 weeks long, and I will give it one more week, out of courtesy for my friend who went with me and encouraged me to try it..which is an amazingly kind thing to do. 

Yes, the tornados DIDN,t touch down here..but last year one missed my street by 1/2 a mile. I HATE this time of year..my biggest fear is being able to catch my beloved kitty b4 one hits, and we can’t make it into the shelter,cuz I won,t get into it without him.

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 3, 2018 at 9:08am

Mary Jane....I hope nothing came of the tornado warning.

I did the same grief share group at the Baptist church about 2 months after losing Ken.  Like you, I felt it wasn't a good fit.  There weren't a lot of people, maybe about 10, and only 1 of them had lost a spouse.  The group including the organizers couldn't really understand me and I would get frustrated by their clichéd comments.  The only person would did understand was the man who lost his wife.   I could see him nodding his head in agreement and replying to my comments with understanding as I did with him.  I myself didn't make any connections that were helpful.  I hope you have better luck.

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 2, 2018 at 11:11pm

I am in the middle of a tornado warning, so I came her to calm down.

tonight, I went to a grief  share meeting at a local Baptist church. It was ok...they said you do not have to be a Christian, but it is very Bible based. There weren’t very many people there..one lady had lost her husband only 9 days ago...it was heartbreaking..she cried the entire time. I am going to give it one more time next week, but I have a feeling it isn’t a good fit for me. There is no division between who has died...spouse, child, parent..which is ok...but each loss was very different with each person. I think it would be better if , like here, there were special groups but the turnout was very small, which is why we were all in one group. I am also not a church person...I could be if i found a church that welcomed everyone, and DIDN,t try to control people...so I just worship at home from my heart. 

the tornado warning is waning...so I think I will try to get some sleep. Welcome to Spring in Oklahoma! 

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 2, 2018 at 9:50pm

Trina....great job with the artwork.  What a great way to relive your life with Joseph in such a positive, healing way.  Thank you for sharing them with us. 

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 2, 2018 at 9:46pm

Deb.....I hope you were able to remember the happiest of times with Greg on this 1 yr anniversary/1st birthday in heaven.  Planting the mimosa tree was such a good idea and a nice tribute to Greg.  I'm sure he's smiling about it.

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 2, 2018 at 7:46pm

Deb...all of our hearts will b with you..remember that when the minutes go by...that with each heartbeat you feel, and the pain of you memories, we are here.

Trina? You have never painted before? Seriously? BOb was an artist, and we have a library of every book on every artist so I am kinda familiar with art styles etc...and your paintings did something to me that doesn,t happen too often..they made my heart happy.

There is another person on this board who’s paintings make you wonder why they aren,t hanging in a museum...but until that person wants to share..I will be discrete...

actually my favorite of yours was the birch trees..something about it lifted my spirits and kinda lifted my day.

one of these days I will post one of Bobs paintings...before now, they only made me sad..but now I think people might want to see a few. (But, baby steps..)

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 2, 2018 at 6:06pm

Dear Steve, Marsha, Charles, and Chicago Beard,

Thank you so very much for these words of encouragement; it really means a lot to me! Especially coming from an artist--Chuck. Legacy is such a wonderful site, everybody is so good about helping other get through our grief with advice, suggestions, and encouragement.

My painting hobby helps me as a form of therapy, it's soothing and I also get to "relive" my Alaska experience with Joseph.

Sending you all much love and here's wishing everyone of you here a good day today!

Hugs, Trina

Comment by Chicago Beard on May 2, 2018 at 1:21pm

Trina

Finally got around to looking at your paintings. The colors are very vibrant and jump out at you. I like them a lot.

Good job!

Comment by Steve G. on May 2, 2018 at 8:02am

Trina,

Your artwork is bright, colorful and full of life.  I love all forms of artwork, art can evoke a multitude of emotions and memories.  Much as the life we live, when someone creates artwork they are sharing their deepest and most personal selves to the rest of the world.  All we have to do as bystanders is to look at it, let it wash over us and enjoy the message.  Thank you Trina for sharing...

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 2, 2018 at 7:56am

Dear Marsha,

I am glad you got the humor in the situation with my cousin arriving with groceries instead of prepared food for the reunion. I guess I should have been happy she didn't show up with a gift certificate for Walmart!

On a serious note, I want to say how deeply sorry I am for the sad situation you are in with your dear friend. Watching anyone in our lives go through such health issues while knowing the eventual outcome  is extremely hard for everybody. Add to that our shared experiences with losing our spouses, many to such illnesses, and our desires to still be strong and supportive of our friend or family member, and we can find ourselves stretched nearly to the breaking point and emotionally and physically exhausted. You will be there for your friend through her trials as many couldn't be, because that's just who you are. I worry about the stress it will place on you, and the toll it will take as things progress - but you are neither a coward nor a light-weight. You have demonstrated here in this family and in the world that you are a strong, determined, and vital force to be reckoned with - even through your own grief and troubles. I'm sending as much strength and positive energy as I can muster your way.

I had an intense encounter Sunday I wish to share. At church, I was describing to a new friend who is a nurse how I was coping after losing Larry and being released from the hospital and rehabilitation only to find myself home alone and my life completely imploded. I told how one friend Peg took charge of everything from finances to transporting me to appointments and even getting me on disability and Social Security to survive without losing my house.

He looked at me closely, sensing there was more to this, and asked quietly when I last spoke to her. I hesitated, then admitted I couldn't remember - she had disappeared from my life abruptly just after helping me get Larry's  car inspected and transferred into my name so I could drive myself where I needed to be.

There must have been bitterness in my voice, because he asked how that made me feel (my own private therapist), and I had to think a bit before replying. Then, instead of letting loose with the same controlled rant I had been repeating for two years now to friends about this, I suddenly said something that surprised me. "I guess she actually saved my life, and once she got me on my own two feet needed to get back to her own life, which was very busy and demanding indeed. I have to remind myself that it must have been quite painful for her to see me like that after Larry's passing - she did lose him too after all."

He just said simply, "Why don't you call her, or text her, and tell her just that?" I wasn't expecting to be confronting this issue that day, but the honesty and simplicity of his challenge went with the message from the Pastor that day so elegantly, that I did just that...I sent a brief text thanking her for my life.

I may not hear back, or may get a scathing response - but either way I feel better for confronting something I had been avoiding and inwardly fretting over for far too long.

So, anyway, I just wanted to tell you that, and also that I am so gratified that anything I may say is of some help to you. We all walk our paths reaching for steadying handholds along the way when it becomes twisted and our footing unsure. You have been one of my handholds for several years now - I pray that I may be that for you as you go through this challenging and sad time with your friend.

God Bless You -

Love, Chuck

 

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