Grief support groups, condolence advice, funeral etiquette and more
A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.
Latest Conversations: 9 hours ago
This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.
Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31.
Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019.
Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019.
Thank you - you always say what I need to hear to make me feel better. Yes, the Texas heat some days knocked the stuffing out of me, but I think I am adapting. I will never lose my preference for cooler summer nights with breezes and the sound of the leaves rustling in the trees - memories of times in the Berkshire mountains in Mass. when I was a boy sitting on an old porch swing watching the lightning bugs under the pines in the yard.
I don't think I will ever visit any medical office for the rest of my days without remembering 2015 and the months leading up to April 22nd. I can mostly get through them now without tears, but just barely.
I hope the days are getting a little easier for you now. Losing your father and then your operation must have been so difficult, and I completely understand your aversion to watching medical shows on TV.
Your prayers are so greatly appreciated, as is your support and friendship. Be well my friend -
Steve.....thanks for posting this poem. I like and need the reminder
Chuck....Nice to hear from you. Glad you and Steve are settled. Was the Texas heat tough to deal with?
So many triggers to bring us right back to "that" time but being in the process of medical appointments and tests is a big one to bring you back to what you went through when you lost Larry. At least it is for me. I don't even watch medical shows on tv anymore because of it. I believe Larry does approve of how you're living your life now and is comforted that you have Steve by your side. I'll be thinking about you and will say an extra prayer for peace for you as you approach your upcoming anniversary.
Jeanette.....I am a firm believer that our date of death is determined at our conception. Despite the fact that I believe this, I still play the "what if" game. If we had made this decision or not made that one, would Ken still be here. I know the answer is no because God's plan was to take him when he did. Believe me, I tried everything to keep him here including giving him a kidney. On the night he passed, he had been in the hospital for a month. I was standing right by his side, in the middle of a conversation when he went into cardiac arrest. A swarm of doctors were in his room within 10 seconds (they were running in before I could even call for them) and they worked on him for over an hour. That was his time and there was nothing I could do about it. I know you feel guilty for going away that night but take it from me.....even if you were by his side, you couldn't have prevented his passing. It'll take some time but eventually all the good happy memories start to overtake the sick hospital memories. I do still have to push aside guilt wondering what I could have done better but then I tell myself that Ken knew how completely he was loved and that I did my best. Ray knows that of you too.
Jeanette, so sorry you have had to become a family member on here but you have picked a good family to become a part of. I think everyone on here has struggled with guilt or as Steve says, the what ifs. My Greg passed 15 months ago and I still struggle everyday, always wondering if I could of done something differently, knowing I didn't spend every minute by his side when he came home on hospice but me still thinking we had a long time not just a day, but I know from when my 1st husband passed that if you let it the gulit will eat away at you and you cant change anything so most of the time I can shove it aside but once in awhile it makes its way in and that is a rough day,
For those who believe:
I wish I could tell you of all that God has plannedBut if I were to tell you, you wouldn’t understandBut one this is for certain though my life on earth is o’reI am closer to you now than I was ever beforeAnd to my very many friends, trust God knows what is bestI’m still not far away from you, I’m just beyond the crestThere are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climbBut together we can do it taking one day at a timeIt was always my philosophy and I’d like it for you tooThat as you give unto the world so the world will give to youIf you can help somebody who is in sorrow or in painThen you can say to God at night my day was not in vainAnd now I am contented that my life was worthwhileKnowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smileSo if you meet somebody who is down and feeling lowJust lend a hand to pick him/her up as on your way you go.When you are walking down the street and you’ve got me on your mind,I’m walking in your footsteps only half a step behindAnd when you feel the gentle breeze or the wind upon your faceThat’s me giving you a great big hug or just a soft embraceAnd when it’s time for you to go from that body to be freeRemember you’re not going you are coming here to me.I will always love you.
ear Family, I have posted this many times, today is a good day for me to do so again:
'What if", is our worst enemy. It clouds our memories of our dearly departed, in time you will start to remember and to cling to all the memories that made you happy, laugh, love and simply enjoy the times your both were just in the same room each occupied with doing something separately or together. Our brains have the capacity to gently lead us through grief, and yes we resist our own selves, yet as for me I also banned music and joy from my life. I went to work and played the part of someone that outwardly looked fine. Those that were closest to me knew me better than I thought, yet they quietly went along and supported me. It took me 3 months after loosing Mark to find this site. Once I posted on this site for the very first time, I felt as if some of the weight of my grief had been lifted. I have since and will continue to come to this site to share and stay connected to my 'family'. Our stories help each other in ways that no one else outside of this site will ever understand. Thank you for sharing, your post has helped me and others. My prayer for you is that you will continue to share and come back to us, every post from everyone will touch someone and help others in ways we still do not understand. Hugs to you, cause you need them.
Mary Nola; so sorry for your loss. The year of firsts is especially tough. I was in a "fog" the first year or more. I talk to her throughout the day, every day; it helps relieve the pain of missing her. I'm convinced she is still helping us all the time, as she always did.
Jeanette, I think many folks go through the "if only" self-doubts. My wife was struck with brain cancer and died within a year - over four years ago. She was very health-oriented and self-aware, and had no previous symptoms of this disaster - yet I went through a stage of torturing myself wondering what I missed. We also expressed our love for each other every day of our 33 year marriage, but for some reason during that "foggy" year or more after she died, I could only remember the times I made her feel bad (if only I hadn't said this, or if only I had done that). It's only been recently that memories of all the good times started surfacing - I just couldn't shake the vision of her decline over that last year, especially those last few days until her very last breath. I took leave from work and was her full-time care-giver for her last year (she stayed at home the whole time), but still, over 37 years we piled up way more good times and happy events than what cancer did to us. I am so relieved now that the death-ugly is finally being pushed aside by the lifetime-happy; also, she deserves to be remembered at her best, not my worst. I'm glad my sub-conscience is shifting from me beating up on me or angry at fate, to me remembering her life. I hope that yours also shifts to remembering Ray at his best, pushing the "if only" aside. We are all on this grief path, and the twists, turns, and timeline are different for each of us, but this group is constant in its support and sharing.
I wish for you that good days start outnumbering the bad ones. Hugs.
Hey Marsha H, long time silent? Haven't seen you post since before your & Ernie's anniversary. Did you send up balloons?
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