Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Steve G. on August 23, 2018 at 7:43am


'What if", is our worst enemy.  It clouds our memories of our dearly departed, in time you will start to remember and to cling to all the memories that made you happy, laugh, love and simply enjoy the times your both were just in the same room each occupied with doing something separately or together.  Our brains have the capacity to gently lead us through grief, and yes we resist our own selves, yet as for me I also banned music and joy from my life.  I went to work and played the part of someone that outwardly looked fine.  Those that were closest to me knew me better than I thought, yet they quietly went along and supported me.  It took me 3 months after loosing Mark to find this site.   Once I posted on this site for the very first time, I felt as if some of the weight of my grief had been lifted.  I have since and will continue to come to this site to share and stay connected to my 'family'.  Our stories help each other in ways that no one else outside of this site will ever understand.  Thank you for sharing, your post has helped me and others.  My prayer for you is that you will continue to share and come back to us, every post from everyone will touch someone and help others in ways we still do not understand.  Hugs to you, cause you need them.

Comment by DJ on August 23, 2018 at 12:28am

Mary Nola; so sorry for your loss.  The year of firsts is especially tough. I was in a "fog" the first year or more.  I talk to her throughout the day, every day; it helps relieve the pain of missing her.  I'm convinced she is still helping us all the time, as she always did.

Comment by DJ on August 23, 2018 at 12:15am

Jeanette, I think many folks go through the "if only" self-doubts.  My wife was struck with brain cancer and died within a year - over four years ago.  She was very health-oriented and self-aware, and had no previous symptoms of this disaster - yet I went through a stage of torturing myself wondering what I missed.  We also expressed our love for each other every day of our 33 year marriage, but for some reason during that "foggy" year or more after she died, I could only remember the times I made her feel bad (if only I hadn't said this, or if only I had done that).  It's only been recently that memories of all the good times started surfacing - I just couldn't shake the vision of her decline over that last year, especially those last few days until her very last breath.  I took leave from work and was her full-time care-giver for her last year (she stayed at home the whole time), but still, over 37 years we piled up way more good times and happy events than what cancer did to us.  I am so relieved now that the death-ugly is finally being pushed aside by the lifetime-happy; also, she deserves to be remembered at her best, not my worst.  I'm glad my sub-conscience is shifting from me beating up on me or angry at fate, to me remembering her life.  I hope that yours also shifts to remembering Ray at his best, pushing the "if only" aside.  We are all on this grief path, and the twists, turns, and timeline are different for each of us, but this group is constant in its support and sharing.

I wish for you that good days start outnumbering the bad ones.  Hugs.

Comment by DJ on August 22, 2018 at 11:06pm

Hey Marsha H, long time silent?  Haven't seen you post since before your & Ernie's anniversary.  Did you send up balloons?

Comment by Mary. Jane on August 22, 2018 at 10:29pm

Ok, Jeanette...see the box above? Just post your comment to whomever in that box..if u r replying to someone’s post a few posts ago..just reference that persons name when you reply. 

To everyone else...I know I haven,t been around much lately...having a VERY bad week..but I will b ok...later, guys!

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on August 22, 2018 at 9:19pm

Can someone tell me how to reply to someone's comment?

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on August 22, 2018 at 9:19pm

The biggest obstacle is guilt. My husband's condition (which the doctor referred to as a mystery disease) mimicked Parkinsons. Best they could determine it was Frontal Temporal Dementia. It did not cause his death or contribute to it directly but for some reason his sleeping behavior became very erratic and vocal. One night at 3AM I wakened to him singing "Desperado" at the top of his lungs. Right on key, too - he had a beautiful singing voice. But most nights sleep eluded me. Even with ear plugs and ambien there was no sleeping through the noise. When the opportunity arose for me to oversee the work being done on our summer place I literally jumped at the chance. Ray encouraged me to go (the town had inadvertently flooded my home last fall and would not help us find a contractor). People in my life group warned me not to leave him but I arranged for a caretaker and companion and took off anyway. Had I been there the night he died - he would have lived. I never would have let him sit in a booth he didn't fit in. Had he choked we would have been able to get him help in time. So now I have to live with the fact that I might have changed what happened. Some of what I'm feeling is just survivor's guilt. Watching a program he liked on T.V., finding a restaurant he would have loved, enjoying a sunset, listening to music. I find its easier not to eat, not to listen to music...  The worst part is - a month before he passed I said:  (after he yelled 'I'm Okay' when he was falling across the room) - "You are not okay - and you insisting you are is going to be the death of you."  And it happened - just like I said. My son asked him if he was okay in that booth. Ray never wanted to inconvenience anyone so he said he was. I would have known better. I should have been there.

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on August 22, 2018 at 9:03pm

I am not sure how to reply (technically). Do I add comment? Everyone's messages are so encouraging and welcoming. I am so grateful for this group.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 22, 2018 at 7:52pm

Hello everyone,

I haven't posted in awhile, but have been reading the posts and sending silent prayers out to all of you. I am continuing to get settled with Steve in our new life in TX, and although it is at times exhausting, it is a good feeling overall.

I am pushing myself to break through my invisible barriers that keep me separate from new people, and in so doing I think I may be making some new friends. I have now established a medical support team here by finding a primary care physician as well as a gastroenterologist. The scheduling of appointments and tests and procedures is bringing me mentally back to the time three years ago when I lost Larry and my health collapsed. Many thoughts and memories are swirling through my somewhat muddled brain as I face what would be Larry's and my 35th anniversary next Monday.

Nights remain for me the most emotional hours - lately when I am looking at TV my mind is traveling back revisiting memories good and bad. Sometimes I have such vivid dreams of long ago places that I awake surprised at my current location. Mostly, I guess I just am missing Larry more than I can describe, and hope as he watches what I do that he approves and is smiling.

My wishes to all for peace and calm days, and thank you for always listening -

Love, Chuck 


Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 22, 2018 at 7:37pm

Dear Jeanette,

I wish to add my welcome to our family here, because over the nearly three years I have been in this group, that is how I have come to feel about everyone. In that respect, this is indeed a place where I feel welcomed unconditionally. This is not a substitution for the love I received (and continue to receive) from Larry. Rather it is a constant source of strength, encouragement, and hope that, as Steve says, my days will continue to get better.

You are so very new in your journey, and I do hope you will let us lighten your burden through sharing it with you - it is what I found here when I found myself in the darkest time of my life, and now I greet each day with a wonder and gratitude that I once thought impossible. Jeanette, please believe me that nothing is impossible - it just takes time, a lot of tears, and the help of our friends. You are not alone - my prayers and thoughts go out to you and your family.

Love, Chuck


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