Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum


Started by Julie. Last reply by DJ Dec 6, 2020. 1 Reply

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31, 2020. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

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Comment by Mary. Jane on September 9, 2018 at 12:13pm

Dear Steve.  Your original post was like a blow to my head.i kinda use u guys as a barometer for positivity. You got thru so much, but you made it. When u offered to take me for my colonoscopy I was overwhelmed...I told people that, and I was met with suspicion, which I can understand..but I know it was genuine. 

I hope this thing u have is as “light” as you describe...because having either of you die is unthinkable. I too, am 71....I will b 72 this month. When I first came here, I DIDN,t care if I lived or died. I just DIDN,t see any reason to live but NOW after these 2 1/2 years, I don,t want to Die. I find myself looking forward to relocating...and I am actually cleaning out THINGS now. (I am just venting here..sorry) When I thought I might have cancer, I had already made up my mind to not get have only palative care. I DIDN,t want to spend my last days or months going to the Cancer Center every day, which is what BOb did, just to die anyway. I had promised myself since there were no guarantees, I was going to spend the first few months doing a cruise, or traveling somewhere, until I couldn,t. BOb was actually ok with his he had known his entire life he was going to get cancer. (That a entirely separate story for another time)

So was it the Humana that caused this? That drug is advertised all day long on TV..for a litterny of things...why are they still giving it to people? BAD DRUG, BAD! ( if I loose my sense of humor I will go crazy).

I tried to ask God why these bad things happen to good people...I wondered why Charles Manson never got cancer? I think that fact adds to my belief that it is caused by something around us..and he was incarcerated all those years, with no contact to the outside pollutants we face every day.        I also believe in Karma..but I am REALLY rambling here..sorry. So I am going to stop before I babble my way into a heart is with you, Steve. 

Comment by deborah peck on September 9, 2018 at 11:52am

Steve, I saw your post yesterday but had to give myself time to think. I too am amazed that drug companys get away with handing out meds with such bad risk, its like you trade one evil for another. I know you will get thru this as you have an angel in heaven to help you plus one on earth.God throws many obstacles in our life and you have been thru. . many so you know how to think positive and give the "C" word a run for its money and I know you will win. please let me know if I can help in any way at all I will do whatever I can, Deb

Comment by Steve G. on September 9, 2018 at 7:34am

Thank you Mary Jane...

Yesterday was just that yesterday.  I hesitated to post because I was feeling a little sorry for myself.  Yesterday was when all of the feelings you just described welled up inside and I was depressed beyond description.  Today is a new day.  I am no longer in yesterday, I can choose to pick up the routine of my daily life and add new routines that will be prescribed to me by my medical angels...that is how I am seeing them, especially my primary care physician Courtney R.  She was there on the phone with me the night before Mark passed.  She was there holding me and crying along with me in her office as we both missed him so much, you see she had no problem with us being a gay couple, she treated us both.  She is the one that ran a routine blood test after I told her what the rheumatologist doctor had prescribed for me.  So, she is the one that caught this ugly thing invading me.  Please do not work yourself up over this, I have many Angels around me.  I maybe 71, but it ain't over yet.  I can and will do what is necessary to beat it.  Of this I am quite positive about.  And yes, I will have good days and bad days.  I am going to stay busy and focus on all the good days ahead.  I guess that in one sense I am adding grief onto grief, which is why I still come to my family here on Legacy.  You are such a dear and giving person, thank you my sister and be well, I am going to be just fine.

All my love and hugs


Comment by Mary. Jane on September 8, 2018 at 8:47pm

Steve, I just saw this, and there is so much I want to say, but all I am feeling now is ANGER..really violent anger...this is SO unfair and sh*tty and what I want to do right now besides “go off” on my fantasy of all the corporations etc, who are knowingly giving this to us, in our food, in the air, in the medications we trustingly take, being held accountable...but that isn,t going to happen for a very long I will create another scenario..I magically transport myself to your home, walk through your front door, sit down with you and Chuck and Bella, and just hold you, and cry, and tell you we will get through this. 

I just don,t know what to say. I hope you and your Drs are correct...this is just “cancer light” and you will get through it. The only other thing repeating in my mind is “WHY?”  Wasn’t once enough? On a positive note, a very good friend of mine is now 2 years, cancer free...and she, too got it from hormone medication her Drs were giving to her...but they caught it early..and after 1 year of chemo, and the loss of both breasts...I had better stop typing...I an just getting myself worked up, at your expense...these are the things that I don,t understand...and wonder Does prayer really work?  Something is VERY VERY wrong with this world. 

Again, my heart is with you...but that is all I can say now, it just isn’t right, or fair, and honestly and surprisingly I don,t think I have ever been this angry at the world and what keeps happening to wonderful people, and I just don,t understand why. 

Comment by Steve G. on September 8, 2018 at 2:05pm


What a wonderful story, I have thought of this story this past week a lot.  

To all my dear legacy family,

The cancer I fought and won has once again re-turned and as bad as this sounds, it really is not as bad as we were expecting.  The Humira caused this, however, because of my primary care physician and many other angels in my circle of medical professionals it is microscopic.  The petscan did not show anything growing, so my outlook for beating this again is very high.  Next week I start isolated radiation treatments for 6 weeks plus I will be given an Infusion Injection to stop the hormones that are feeding this cancer.  Prognosis is good and I am confident that this is just another one of life's little surprises (kind of like a speed bump) we encounter on our path through this life.  Oddly I am not afraid, just a little tired and sometimes a little depressed, all of which can be side affects to the medications I am taking.

I know that venting it here changes my mood and helps me to shake off the blues - as it were....

Love and hugs to one and all


Comment by Marsha H on September 5, 2018 at 1:12am

Wisdom often comes out of the mouths of babes. (This little boy won the contest.)  This is only what we ask of people.

A 4 year old child who lived next door to an elderly gentleman that just lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap  and just sat there.

When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said,

'Nothing, I just Helped him cry.'

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 4, 2018 at 9:48pm

Hi Mary.... I can only imagine how difficult it is to see the school buses every day.  It's funny because there are things my husband loved all around our home but I would hate to have to deal with it every day while driving too.  Thinking about you tonight.

Comment by Mary Nola on September 4, 2018 at 5:12am

hello all hope everyone I s ok this is a hard time for me my Joe was a school bus for 30 years today he would be so excited to go back to work after summer.   School buses now make me cry hope your up there in Heaven in a bus with Angels my Love Miss you baby

Comment by Sara Murphy on September 3, 2018 at 9:30pm

Welcome to our group Susan.  I'm sorry for your loss that brought you to us.  How special that you were able to reunite with your high school sweetheart.  He truly is your soul mate. 

I lost my husband Ken 2 1/2 yrs ago.  He was 52 and we were together almost 30 years, married for 26 1/2 of them.  Ken was also sick (not cancer) but we still didn't expect him to die when he did so we never said a true good-bye.  This is something I will never get over so I do understand how you feel about it. 

I hope you'll find the support here that you'll need to navigate this deep grief.  None of my family/friends understand the loss of a spouse so when I found Legacy, it was a Godsend. 

Hugs to you,


Comment by Jeanette McSherry on September 2, 2018 at 11:20pm

Jeanette McSherry everyone here understands loss and sorrow. Church was precious. Our pastor is a wonderful teacher and the sermon clarified certain aspects of my current feelings for me. I was facing what I spiritually see as a wall of serpents. I know I have to identify it as the lies of the enemy or lies within myself in order to break through. After he spoke there was no doubt in my mind. Even those of us with so much faith for others, tend to feel we are not worthy of healing or happiness. That we didn't do enough or love enough. That we could have somehow changed God's timing. His words made me see that He has everything in control He knows things we could never know. But as the song goes, "I am chosen not forgotten. I am what He says I am" And that is His beloved. Even with all of this revelation I slipped into a horrible depression. I was paralyzed. Barely managed to use the phone and ask for prayer. But God responded and the darkness lifted.


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