Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


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Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Steve G. on July 5, 2018 at 8:03pm

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 5, 2018 at 4:46pm

Well said, brother Chuck! What a shame schools now don,t offer such inticing courses.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on July 5, 2018 at 2:53pm

Hello Everyone,

I hope those in the USA had a safe peaceful Fourth of July. I have been occupied with several things that kept me from following everyone here for the last several days. I am always inspired when I do read the posts by the connection and communication we all share in this family. Whether offering comfort and advice, or just sharing our thoughts, this is a well I dip into to refresh my sense of community and normalcy when life just seems to be too bizarre and stressful to imagine.

In high school I took a 6 week intensive study course called "Mythology" - it really went into religions also. The teacher was wonderful, saying from the start that to get the most from this course, we all had to suspend our beliefs, cultural teachings, and especially prejudices against anything foreign and strange to us.

We discussed everything from Greek and Roman mythology, to Hinduism, Buddhism, Norse mythology, and more. At the end we wrote a paper on a topic of our own choice - mine was about how, if you distill almost any belief system down to its most basic tenants and guidelines, there are far more similarities than differences. I wrote that I found this rather comforting - and hoped to keep an open mind throughout my lifetime regarding other cultures and religions. If we see people as like us, rather than different, it is much harder to judge or ridicule them, their ways, and  their religious beliefs.

This has certainly been my experience here with my loving family who share the loss of our spouse - where we live and what we do doesn't in any way prevent us from reaching out our hands and hearts to one another.

Would that the rest of the world was more like that, but we can only try, even in our grief, to be examples of kindness and respect in the hope that others will notice and emulate our actions.

Love to all today, and hugs -


Comment by Mary. Jane on July 5, 2018 at 1:07pm

Soul I just wrote that so I wouldn,t forget it..that is the article Stephanie posted here a few days ago..that I am just getting around to reading, and it really sort of ties in with this subject..I was reading it just b4 I read Steve’s post just now...and Steve, if you haven,t read describes the exact scenario to be in that you just described..a guiet walk, etc, to get in touch with your loved ones who have passed. I haven,t finished reading it...but it was like a WOW moment when I read Steve’s post. 

Now...Sara...omg, I felt the exact same way when I met Bob. The first time I ever SAW him, I looked into these bright blue eyes, and I swear, my heart did a thump. Now, we dated for about 7 months, os I was well aware this wasn,t going to be easy...he was EXTREMELY jealous of my friends, afreaid I would cheat on him, quick to anger, All warning signs were there. I weighed my options...and I realized I was willing to give up ALOT...and my friends and HIS family warned me NOT to marry him..but I knew he was my soulmate from the first moment I met him. It was weird..but I knew he was my destiny. 

What he was is afraid..of ever loosing me, he had  a HORRID father, and spent so much time in fear of his father even as a little kid..and against the advise of EVERYONE we married 8 months after meeting. I NEVER doubted his love for me..and there were some very hard times..but I knew this was right, and was willing to accept him the way he was..for awhile.cuz I KNEW he was my destiny, It was worth it. Eventually he realized He was never going to loose me, he accepted my friends, they accepted patience and our love made it work, and we married for life.when our daughter was born, he was the most wonderful father..she was his little princess..

Even through any rough patches I always knew we loved each other, and were meant to be. ( LOL I also got to say to everyone who doubted us: “Nah Nah..TOLD YOU IT WOULD WORK OUT!”)

Comment by Steve G. on July 5, 2018 at 12:33pm


As much as I enjoyed the experience in Italy, it also frightened me at the same time. I do believe that our departed loved ones visit us in dreams and thru other means. I find feathers and coins usually when I have them on my mind. Some would say that we set ourselves up for these things to happen and would offer alternative explanations, I just smile and not comment. Hope springs eternal as far as I am concerned and anything is possible. All we have to do is just stop and take a look around at the intricate pieces of our world, the beauty, nature and then looking up at the stars that shine down on us. Makes me wonder, what am I missing, to which I just stop to watch and listen. It is in the quietness of observing that I feel connected to everything around me, hard to explain but worth the effort. It humbles me to tears sometimes. So I do not discount the possibilities that are talked about, studied or speculated on. Hope is hope no matter how we look for it.
I have had dreams far too real, to the point that I would swear they were actual memories. They include family and friends that have passed on, however, in different roles and relationships. Even scientist speculate that we live in one dimension that is actually connected to other dimensions where we are living different lives in each one. All connected to the point that our dreams may actually be a window of sorts to those other dimensions. I like the more simple explanation that maybe we do return after passing as if one is returning to school advancing to the next grade. Some times we excel and other times we may get held back until we learn what we need to know to go on to the next level…who knows…I will still collect my feathers and coins, smiling as I tuck them into my pocket, look us and say “thank you”.

Comment by Sara Murphy on July 5, 2018 at 11:43am

Steve......that's awesome that you had such a strong deja-vu, that you could walk through the streets of Italy as if you lived there in this life.  I have had deja-vu experiences but not to that level.  More like Mary Jane, where I've actually been someplace or had a conversation where I knew exactly what the person would say next.

Mary Jane......I'm on the fence  about reincarnation but leaning more towards believing than not.  I've always  thought that Ken and I must have walked through a previous life together as we were connected from the moment we met.  He told me on our second date (I was 20) that he would marry me.  When we started dating, there was just such a comfort level I can't explain, we were just instantly in a relationship that we both knew would last forever.  I think since you have such a strong connection with the Jewish faith, that chances are good that you were Jewish in a past life.

Oddly however on this subject are 2 things I've always wondered about.  One is that I may have drowned in a previous life.  I've always had dreams about water and being in trouble.  The other is I wonder if there are other people from a previous life that visit me in dreams.  There are a few certain people who appear from time to time in dreams that I know very well, that are long time friends and it's good to see them however these people do not exist in my current life.  It's not like when I dream of Ken, or have a work dream which include people I work with.  I've decided for myself that they're from another life.

Comment by Mary Nola on July 5, 2018 at 10:21am


Comment by Marsha H on July 5, 2018 at 5:44am

I'm Protestant.  I went to Sunday School and church, but now have joined a Bible Study group which is Lutheran.  Yup, as usual I have to try everything.  LOL  In Elementary School there were several Jewish Students.  I was friends with this Bob (walk home from school together) and when he walked me home my mom had him come in for milk and cookies, but when he had me go to his home his mother was angry and didn't want me in their home because I was a Gentile.  I was perplexed by this, but my mother explained things to me and of course it was shortly after WWII.  I have two Jewish friends now and much different.  We don't really discuss religion.  

As much as I would NOT want to think re reincarnation (who in their right mind would want to come back to the pain this world offers) there are clues it could be.  Yes, I have had experiences where I'm talking to a friend about a certain subject and realize we've had this conversation before yet not in this life.  Once with my first husband his brother and sister-in-law were looking for a house and we came across this lovely home that was uniquely built.  Before we even went inside I said without thinking, 'I've been in this house before.'  They didn't believe me so before we went in I told them where each room was and lo and behold I was right on point.  If I was sure I came back and was with my beloved Ernie again that's the only thing I would be happy about.

Odd once our spouses pass we do really search for answers and questions that won't be answered until we pass away as well.  I am battling back and forth too, but one thing I am sure of is when someone dies that is not the end of it.  Still trying to find those answers though.

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 4, 2018 at 7:00pm

P.S. I have a very short bucket list..most things are unrealistic, like see the Aurora Borealis..but one thing I would like to do, is attend a Jewish service. But since I don’t drive, I am holding off on that until I move back to San Francisco, where they have decent public transportation, or my daughter can take me. Can anyone attend a Jewish service?

Ok, that is all. Carry on. 

Comment by Mary. Jane on July 4, 2018 at 6:27pm

WOW! Steve,   What an awesome story! I got chills when I read it! I almost had decided to end this subject, as I felt I might be hijacking this site..but here goes. Mine isn,t as awesome..mine is based on “feelings”. I grew up in the WASPIEST environment...or maybe I should say wasC as about half the people in my town were Catholic. But I digress. The Christian Science Church was very different than the cool Catholic Churches, with their beautiful statues, and finely dressed priests..but this isn,t about Catholics. It is about the Jewish religion. 

Growing up I DIDN,t know ANY Jewish people...their was one boy in grammar school, and at my CS church there was a girl and her parents who were Jewish, but had converted to Christian Science. That was it. I knew NOTHING about Judaism, nor anyone who was of the Jewish I kept silent...but I thought about it a lot. That was it. This was the 60’s..there was no way for one to find information about different religions like now, and I was a teen and   Kinda forgot about those feelings I would have...time passed,I got married, and in 1995 Bob and I took a trip to Amsterdam. We were doing the tourist thing, when we went into a tiny shop. A husband and wife were the owners, and the man kept STARING at me..I mean intensely,like he had seen a ghost. Finally, he came over and asked me if I was Jewish? I told him NO, I wasn,t..but it was like he had seen a ghost..and he kept asking me if I was SURE..that I MUST be Jewish. I explained to him that I might be, as I was adopted, and DIDN,t really know..(I did finally meet my birth mother, and asked her, and she said no, I was NOT Jewish, but she never revealed who my German  father was and it was such a bad experience, I DIDN,t ask her)

meanwhile this nice man was just obsessed with me..and kept Bob and I finally left..but what I DIDN,T tell him or Bob, was that man had really struck a nerve. You see, although I know very little about Jewish people, I have always been secretly fascinated by the little I had heard. The music, and musical, the movie The Cantor, Yiddish phrases, books I have read, fiction,based on truth......I don,t mean any disrespect but when I hear these things,the only way I can describe how I feel is I feel like I am “HOME”. Since I have absolutely no bases for these feelings, the only thing I can discern is that I was Jewish in a past life. In fact, I KNOW I was. I will NEVER EVER read, listen to, or think about anything that happened in the 1930’s. I can,t even say it. 

So, that is it, it is just something that has haunted me my entire life, but it has been a pleasant haunting...I don,t know, I cannot explain it. Realistically, I could never actually convert to any religion so structured..and I have never been to a synagogue. And most likely never is just something inside me that I cannot explain, but it has always been there. When Beard said Mozel Tov to me, I was thrilled! That was the catylist that started all of this. That too, was like “home”

I believe each of us has had so many different lives, all f them different, to hopefully make us better people each time we are reborn. I hope You all understand these are just feelings,with no basis in reality, but they are MY feelings and they are good.


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