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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Christine Blaire on March 23, 2018 at 6:01pm

Susan,Anthony,Marsha,    I too am living alone for the first time. My step daughter...who doesn't like the word "step" bless her, is 7 miles away. Thank goodness I have my little puppy Victoria Rose. She knows when I'm upset and I would be totally lost without her. She just turned one so I've made arrangements for her when I go. The infection where the lymph nodes were removed is almost healed up. It's been a long haul. Some of his big tools that I can't use have been sold. Every time somethings of his leaves here I feel like I'm getting rid of him. I can't stand it. I'm no longer the happy energetic woman I used to be. Everything...

Absolutely everything...has changed. I go through the motions but will only be truly happy when I know death is near. I'm sorry this is so dark. I had some crocus blooming....I smashed them all. It felt pretty good. Now for some wine and bed on the couch.

Comment by Marsha H on March 23, 2018 at 3:32pm

Dear Sue ...  My deepest condolences on the loss of your father.  Dealing with one grief is horrific enough, but now two.  There are no words I can say to take the pain from you, but I will pray as we are stronger than we think.

I also live alone.  Ernie and I couldn't have children and my immediate family is very small and now, they have gotten on with their lives as many of my friends have.  It took me quite awhile to get use to living alone and thankfully I have my two dogs with me.  I do have visitors every so often and have volunteered, but that loneliness seems to be there every so often.  I even put the TV on just to hear a human voice.

Please keep coming back to Legacy as we all do understand how you feel.  

Comment by Anthony Umphenour on March 23, 2018 at 3:16pm

Oh, my heart goes out to you Sue.  Life can be so cruel.  Living alone and suffering in grief is hell which I am dealing with, but you have double the grief.  Surround yourself with loved ones.  Please know we care about you.  

Comment by Susan Farrell on March 23, 2018 at 2:48pm

My father died Wed morning.  One month and one day after my love John died.   I am reeling.  My Dad lived with me for many years.  He was doing what he loved, fussing with the garden, when he died.  He was 85 yrs old, and very active.  I am all alone now.  I have never lived alone in all my 64 yrs.  I have double grief and I am numb.   Sue

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on March 21, 2018 at 6:51am

Dear Mary Jane,

Oh my friend, how right you are that we all seem to be having particularly difficult times right now - you may count Steve and I among that number. For me, as I approach the 3 year anniversary of losing Larry on April 22, my thoughts and emotions seem to be going into overdrive taking me places I would rather not revisit in my mind but am powerless to avoid. Guilt over continuing feelings that I failed Larry as he neared the end of his battle with cancer still weighs upon my heart. Anger over the way "family" of his and mine on his side seemed anxious to quickly get me out of the way and divide his estate, and the fact that my name wasn't even mentioned at his memorial held by them while I was still hospitalized with a life-threatening illness. the list goes on and on.

I understand about finding papers of Bob's that you knew right away would be painful to read and sort through. I had that experience more than once since Larry had the habit of squirreling away little notes and memorabilia in unexpected places. How often an entire day or two were derailed by the discovery of something in his handwriting under a shoe box, or inside a book. Just let yourself get through these times as gently as possible, removing any expectations of completing tasks when you can do so - although I know also what preparing to move means ... been there.

Like Deborah, I made a traditional dish for us on St. Patrick's Day - my mother's recipe for pea soup. Larry loved it, although he was adamant about us going out for corned beef on that day since I don't like it so won't cook it at home! That happened to be the last dinner we had together at a local restaurant in 2015, which also makes the day hard for me, and I imagine always will.

I had a conversation with the cemetery where Larry's ashes are interred on Monday, hoping to make arrangements for the installation of a plaque marking the spot where he rests in his family's plot. The information I was given made it clear it won't be done before this April 22nd as I had hoped to do. I will have to let go of that one and hope for some other way of recognizing this year's sad anniversary. Being in a different state makes the whole thing seem unreal somehow - if that makes any sense.

Please know that I am thinking of you, and of all the family here, old friends and new ones who are just embarking on this difficult and sometimes frightening journey through grief. We all know there is no actual end to this path - we just put one foot in front of the other and continue at our own pace moving forward. At least we all have each other to support and guide our fumbling footsteps or the walk would be impossible - at least for me it would.

Mary Jane, you always are in my prayers as are everyone here - this move will happen, and once done you will be over a huge obstacle on your own path - I look forward to seeing you post at that time of your new home and experiences. Until then, try not to let the medical issues, packing, and a million other worries overtake you - I wish I was there beside you...I'm a pretty good packer if I do say so myself!

Much love,

Chuck

Comment by deborah peck on March 20, 2018 at 11:26pm

Thank- you Anthony, I too believe our loved ones are still with us particularly when we are all gathered together, he so loved our family I cant imagine him not being there in spirit

Comment by Mary. Jane on March 19, 2018 at 1:17pm

Hey guys..after reading everyone’s posts..I think this weekend was HORRID for everyone! The stars and planets must have lined up in a bad way LOL. Not only us here, but other people...my weekend sucked BIG TIME..starting with my Dr when asked about a referral to a Dr in California, he made it seem like the level of care I am getting now wouldn’t be an option, as I am on Medicare...the Saturday morning, I opened an email I KNEW I shouldn,t on my PC,I got a pop up malware..(I rarely use my PC, I use an IPad)

THEN I realized I had PAID for, but never uploaded my Virus software after BOb died in 2016, so they DIDN’T send me a notice in 2017...

But the cherry on top was the shoebox of papers I went through last night...I knew it would be bad,unlike regular files,I knew this one would be special..... but I had no idea how hard all the personal papers, photos etc would be. 

So,now I have to go turn on my PC and see if the malware is still there, and if I can possibly fix it..luckily I have a neighbor who does that stuff, but he went camping all week. 

Lastly, I got an “ear worm” song stuck in my head last night..the line “You put your arms around me, and I’m home” which is STILL in my head..and is a special memory of when Bob hugged me, how safe I would feel,with his solid chest and arms around me when we would look at a sunset,or welcome each other to the day..sorry for rambling..

Comment by Anthony Umphenour on March 19, 2018 at 11:51am

Deborah, I'm so glad you made the corned beef/cabbage meal for your family.  And even though Greg wasn't physically there I truly believe his loving spirit was present enjoying every word and every story told at the dinner table.  There is something about when people are gathered at a meal that invites loved ones passed to enjoy and partake in an earthly moment.

Comment by deborah peck on March 19, 2018 at 10:37am

Anthony, I too had a hard time this weekend, its all the dates that are hard to get thru, I always made cornedbeef and cabbage and our girls and their families would come over, I really didn't care for it but Greg did so every year I made it, I wasn't going to this year but my kids asked if we were still doing dinner so after thinking I decided to do it, and even though I had to pretend it was just a family dinner and not anything special it was nice to be all together for a meal and then when they left I cried that he wasn't able to enjoy it with us , so yes special dates are hard but then as you know so is every day and I have been thru this twice and I don't think the 2nd year is easier I think your mind frame kinda changes because you know you got thru the previous occasion withought your loved one, so I think that's why the 2nd year is different, you can survive it

Comment by Jesse Angel Rodriguez on March 19, 2018 at 10:36am
I just want to say thanks to you all for the support and life experiences that has been shared here on Bereaved Spouses. Marsha H. What you sent to Christine really spoke to me, that's precisely what I'm living currently. February 8, 2018 is the day John went to paradise and Lord knows how I miss him more and more each day. Still no word from his family. I hope they're finding peace. I've been having many days where I believe it should've been me, not him. I remember all the dreams he would talk about and places he wanted to go and things we would do. I'm moving, he always did say he would get me out this city I'm in now [really bad place] he just didn't tell me when. I suppose this is when...
 

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