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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1376
Latest Conversations: Jul 17

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Diane C on January 8, 2013 at 6:44pm

Lynn,

I am so sorry to have to welcome you to our site. I am also so very sorry to hear of the loss of your husband and your baby son. It is so unfortunate that we are all here. But, you picked a good site. We are all here to help each other, and you will feel welcomed and helped all the time. I am new to the site, I have only been here since mid November. I lost my husband on 8-1-12, (our 25th wedding anniversary) to pancreatic cancer.Feel free to vent and ask questions any time. We have some very knowledgeable and helpful individuals here. They have helped me a lot. I was shocked and amazed at how many people have the same feelings and questions that I do. Hang in there and let those on her help you.... Big cyber hug to you....

Comment by Chicago Beard on January 8, 2013 at 8:50am

Lynn

This is a good place to come and vent. This site provides unconditional support. Losing the love of your life is excruciating enough but to have to deal with the death of your child as well compounds it so much more I can not imagine. There are many loving supporting folks here who are also dealing with grief and know how you feel. I am sending positive thoughts of comfort and strength to you. It will not be easy but you will get through it. I lost my wife of 30 years in 2010 and still cry almost daily even though I have a new love in my life. Take many deep breaths and keep coming back here for support. 

Comment by Lynn Driver on January 8, 2013 at 7:40am

My name is Lynn,i Lost my husband of 14 years on 12-14-2012,im having a very hard time,i miss him so much,and now with the anniversery of my baby sons death quickly approaching 1-22-1984,i feel like im losing it.My Husband and i went to my sons grave to place little toys together often,how do i pick myself up and do this on my own?how,how how.?

Comment by Marsha H on January 8, 2013 at 3:23am

Sue ... You are such a sweetheart and thank you for the very encouraging words.  I know we all have our days or weeks where we just crash against the rocks and then suddenly we are doing a little better.  I suppose we are much more sensitive now that our spouses are gone and because of that we realize our own mortality and that of our family and friends.  You are right of course that we can't think of the future because we are all struggling day by day.  It's one baby step at a time.

I hope this post finds you doing better Sue and of course, you and others are in my prayers each night.

Big hugs

Marsha 

 

Comment by Dixie Olson on January 8, 2013 at 1:39am

MAC: You are not looseing your mind, you have lost your heart, we all go through differant stages. losing your soul-mate is the hardest thing any of us will go through, Its as if we have lost our limbs, and for sure our hearts have been ripped out! I hold on to the fact I will be with my husband again(forever) when is up to GOD*. Ive had alot of dreams about my husband most of them un-pleasant, so much so Ive woke up sobbing as they were so real.Ive made it through and it was hell, but I have to go on with my  life, my way, at my time. You will all make it, this I promise you, and my word is my bond. Just ask yourself what your loved one would want for you? Remember all the good times you had, Im so glad my husband retired as we had 5 wonderfull yrs together having so much fun! By the way he still owes me money for catching the biggest fish, We had made a bet, and of course he got the first one, but seconds later I caught the biggest one! yippee(lol) If any of you think you wont make it, you have to be stronger, you will make it..TIME, TIME, TIME......GOD* bless all your always all in my thoughts and prayers, and each night I ask GOD* to give you strength to make it through one more day.

Comment by Sue H on January 7, 2013 at 8:58pm

Oh Marsha..so sorry to read of your struggles. It is like crashing waves that just take you under sometimes and you have so control. We are all honoring our loved ones by trying to move on. They didn't want to go and had no choice so I try to think of what Ray would want for me..right now..a minute at a time. It is so hard to see a future without them but thoughts of the fuyure are not good for us. We need to think of a day..or a minute at a time and what we can do to honor them. I was paralyzed by sadness and pain last week but better now. We can do this..with each other on this forum and counting the blessings we have. hugs Marsha and to all who are hurting tonight.

Comment by Frank Andrews on January 7, 2013 at 7:13pm

Mac, Marge and Dick,

 It surely is a "bumpy ride" and "one step forward and two steps back" for all of us and our feeling are shared at this stage. Dixie got through it and says it will ease. We have to believe in someone or something or we have no life at all.  So many have gone through this before us and have survived with some quality of life left.

Comment by Dick on January 7, 2013 at 6:37pm
Dixie...thank you for your warm thoughts

My wife and I used to joke that we had to stay together. There wasn't enough time and it would be too hard for us to "break-in" someone new.
Comment by Marsha H on January 7, 2013 at 5:08pm

Stacey ... I'm so happy that your friend is doing a little better.  You are such a good friend to her.

Hon, I know how difficult it is when our loved one's birthday rolls around.  I had my first drink (don't drink much) on New Year's Eve at my friend's house to my husband ... we 3 toasted him.  So have that drink or two and enjoy.  Jane P mentioned helium balloons and setting them free on that special day and I think it's a great idea.  A private moment between you, your son and your loved one. 

It's pouring rain here and very gloomy and I've been house-bound for 3 days so I'm in the dull-drums today as well, but will get busy and make the most out of the day and evening.  Thankfully my girlfriend is coming this evening and that's good for me.

He must still be looking after you because of your car insurance.  I've had some breaks along the way and always look up and thank God and my husband for that break. 

Please keep us informed about your friend and of course yourself. You're a strong young woman!

Hugs

Marsha 

Comment by Marsha H on January 7, 2013 at 5:00pm

Mac .. What a dream you had!  I can imagine how frightening that is for you.  I suffer from nightmares most nights, but can't remember them when I wake up; often wake up perspiring and crying or so shaken it takes me 1/2 an hour to gain my senses.  Often I don't want to go to bed. The few dreams I had shortly after my husband's death was when he was much younger and he had a girl with him. Once he said, 'I don't love you, I love her.'  That dream was the farthest from the truth regarding my gentle giant of a husband and we had a good marriage (not perfect) and we talked a lot about how proud we were of our good communication skills; honesty; loyalty and being each other's best friend.  Then those dreams stopped and I haven't dreamt of him since.  I no longer feel he is with me either.

I will be brutally honest in saying that after my husband died I would have hot showers and scrub myself almost raw trying to get rid of the grief.  It was almost like a rape where you just want to wash off all the bad things.  I have now gotten over that.  Each of us is different when it comes to how we feel about ourselves.  Instead of being proud of getting make-up and doing my hair it has become a great task (who cares really ... use to do that for my husband) but, I force myself to do it for some strange reason.

I pray so hard that God gives me strengths and lets me have some sort of quality of life, but lately I feel he has forgotten me.  Nope, don't like that quote 'God has not forgotten you' because often I feel he has.  You can pray and pray and I am a believer that you have to help yourself too, but when you get one inth of happiness it seems to be taken away so quickly.

I still feel we are here for a reason and what I grab onto is my husband's admiration of what a strong woman I was; loving and caring and fighting the battles of life head on every single time.  He said I was his strength, but now I realize it was truly himself that was the strong one.  In his honor I fight the fight, but getting plain old 'soul weary.'

I guess today is about the real truth with some of us and our feelings.  We have to try and realize that we are not the only ones who have lost spouses, but people do survive.  It's the quality of life we have to chose to get through this life until we are with our loved ones again.

Hang in there Marge as best you can.  You are in my prayers as are all on here.

Marsha

 

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