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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Comment by Marsha H on December 26, 2012 at 4:01pm

Mac ... I'm so proud of you for going to your daughters.  I know how exhausting it can be, but you were surrounded by love and it got you out.  I always leave the TV on (a police officer told me to do that .. looks like people are moving in the house if no one is home) or, some people can put on the radio.  Oh how I know how you feel coming home and again it's 'another day.'  I feel the same.  Don't feel bad Mac, I'm still in my bath robe!!!!  I don't have the energy to do too much and only do a little of this and that to tidy up the house as my girlfriend is coming over tonight.  It is also pouring rain here and I can't get the dogs out for a walk, but if it's the same tomorrow I'm going to weather the rain and take them anyway as they've been cooped up for two days.

Mac, you are strong!  So many times I have come on the forum and you are right there making me feel better and I truly appreciate it as I know you are going through your own grief process which is a difficult feat.  So bless you Mac! 

We are all strong in our own right, but don't forget many of us are at our at different stages of grief.  I am sure most of us don't know what our future holds for us (a mystery in itself) and I am praying 2013 brings all of us peace and we find a place in life where we fit in.

Mac, you are not alone in drifting on and off about your faith.  I have been really going through that myself and I'm a Christian.  Sometimes I'm as low as a snake's belly and wonder if there really is a God and then other times when my mood is lifted I know there is and He is watching over us.  He does things in His time.  We may not like it or understand it, but we have to keep the faith.  I do believe this New Year will be about spiritual learning and life as it is and hopefully we find a peaceful compromise and gain strength from it.

Take care of yourself Mac and know we are all here to pick you up when you fall.  Remember, many of us are where you are so I hope that eases your pain of grieving somewhat.  I have decided on January 1st, 2013 to put a framed picture of my husband out as I've not been able to do that because I know I would cry everytime I saw him.  It's time I just faced reality and be thankful for the time I did have with him which is more than many people get in their lifetime.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 26, 2012 at 3:46pm

Well my extended family here goes about my Christmas and it's true!

My brother lives about 40 miles from me.  I nickname them 'The Bumpus Family' because it's so chaotic in that house.  Dogs and cats running around; one hyper nephew zipping around and no one listening to the other.  My nephew who is 29 came to pick me up.  He's hyper-active and drives like a wild man.  It was raining out and roads on the slippery side and he was weaving in and out.  I silently prayed to God I would make it in one piece and then the ultimate happened!  He put on RAP MUSIC (which I detest) and it was loud!  I felt like my scalp had peeled so far back I was growing hair on my spine and I swear my eyeballs were plastered on the windshield like two suction cups they were popping out so far!  Because he was so good about picking me up and it was his car I said nothing.  As if this wasn't bad enough he one of those smelly things hanging near the heat vent and it was gagging me and I was trying to roll the window down and I knew he'd had a dubbie (Marijuana) something during that day and was trying to cover up the smell.  I would have rather have smelled the Marijuana.  Then I noticed a cat cage in the back seat and yup, there was his male black cat 'Jerry' who has a rotten disposition and is mean as a menopausal woman!  I knew his mom wouldn't be happy as she doesn't like the cat.  My nephew had just broken up with his girlfriend and was going on about how hurt he was and I was trying to listen and help with some wise words, but he wasn't listening and I didn't want to continue the conversation because every time he mentioned her name he hit the gas and my neck would snap back.  Once at my brother's house I peeled my eyeballs off the windshield and checked to see that the hair on my spine wasn't over-lapping my collar.  Just as we were sitting down for dinner I couldn't move my chair away from the table for some reason and then I heard this growl and realized it was my nephew's derranged cat Jerry growling at me.  I was trying so hard to hold it together for Christmas that I just shouted out 'Jerry, get your fat butt over to the other chair and if you bite me I'll bite you back!'  Trust me, I would!  Everyone started laughing and my other nephew 26 asked if I meant it and I said, 'You're darn right I would!' All I can say is I am so glad my brother drove me home and I got home in one piece.  I guess I'm getting old as speed in cars never bothered me when younger, but now we are smarter and know the difference and how quickly accidents can happen.  You gotta love a 'Bumpus family!'

Much love

Marsha   

Comment by Marsha H on December 26, 2012 at 3:26pm

Dear Dixie ... crabby or not you got through Christmas.  All of us have our thoughts revert back to our spouses and we miss them so.  How can we not because they were such a big part of our lives.  I think you did great! 

Your advice about paperwork is so true Dixie.  I still have the odd piece of paperwork to sign by our government and of course Revenue Canada for tax purposes and it hurts my heart to keep seeing my husband's name on that paperwork.  I am so glad to hear that you were left with a good pension from your husband and as far as I'm concerned police officers don't get near what they deserve.  Don't feel ashamed for knowing some women only get $50/mo.  How would you know.  We have to get down and dirty when it comes to our finances and finding out what is due us because there are no hard and fast rules.  I went through it myself.  I think you're doing a great job.

I wished with all my heart that my husband had left me a letter or even a note telling me how much he loved me because going through 7 years of him being ill off and on (he still worked up until the day before he went into hospital) there are so many things left unsaid.  I never got the chance either to tell him the many things I wanted to tell him.  Videos are also a good idea.  I have my own Will drawn up with all instructions down to the letter.  I even have my Living Will which has DNR (do not resessitate ?)  If I'm going to hit the deck you'd better not bring me back!  My doctor also has a copy (as well as no chemo or radiation should it be needed) and witnessed by two friends.  I have also covered my butt that should I have a terminal illness that I want to be in my own home with nursing care and I have left provisions for that.  I have pets and my girlfriend will take them and find them a good home in need be.  I've covered all corners.

Hang in there Dixie because you are so encouraging to the rest of us and give us good tips, but we also know at times you need some lifting up as well so here I am!  I may be a skinny old broad, but I'm tough!  LOL

Hugs

Marsha 

Comment by Marsha H on December 26, 2012 at 3:12pm

Dearest Jessie ...

Thank you so much for the thanks.  When we are hurting and post what we feel sometimes the person posting doesn't realize how much they do encourage many of us on this forum.  I think of you with your little son and feel if you can have this on your shoulders and run with it then the rest of us can be encouraged to do so.  I am so very proud of you for putting your wee son first.

Don't worry about your little son growing up too fast.  I think it is such a miracle he can sense how 'mommy feels' and wants to help so let him as it's a healing tool for him too.  Here is a hint:  Because grieving is so exhausting and as Jane P says 'we have to put two masks on ... one happy, one sad) we cover up our grief and smile for our families; friends and then we cry when we are alone so pick a time of day where you can lay on the carpeted floor perhaps with pillows and a quilt or blanket with your son and have a nap.  This is what I do (cuddle with my one little dog Booker T.)  It helps with the exhaustion. 

I also know what you mean about talking to family and friends when all you have to say is how much you miss your loved one, but those who love you can suck it up too!  When grieving it takes a lot out of us every single day and there isn't much excitement going on in our lives so what is there to really talk about.  I often find myself stumped as to what to talk about.  It does get better though hon as the months go by.  You can talk about your son if you are stumped for conversation.  He is obviously the light of your life and you are such a good mom.  I always try to stay up-beat when family or friends phone by changing the subject and asking what is up at their end or, if I'm having a bad day I just don't answer the phone until I am in a reasonable mood.

Don't worry so much as to how you have to fit in with family and friends.  Death has touched many and believe me they are looking at their own mortality and that of their spouse.  You say what you have to say.  I think you did so well surrounding yourself with your son and making his Christmas as pleasant as possible.  Remember, let him help because he's a great little guy.  I am so happy you have him ... the most blessed gift a mother can have.

Of course you are a little angel on here expressing your thoughts while encouraging us.  It is never a one-way street between any of us and we often encourage others when we least expect we do.

I do enjoy your posts and they raise me up when I am often down.  You are such a blessing to our extended family; we're all individuals and what a fine mix we have on Legacy.

Take care hon and give your wee guy a hug for me.

Hugs

Marsha   

Comment by Mac on December 26, 2012 at 3:04pm

Well it looks like we are survivied Christmas and we held our heads up until we were home. Marsha you were right, I did go to my daughters last nite and it wasn't so bad until I came home to a empty house then reality seems to always set in and today I am not crying but the loniness is almost unbearable  too cold to go out in my scooter and no energy to do anything in the house. I am tempted to take 2 of my trazadone and try to sleep . Everyone here makes me feel like yes I can do this one more day, all of you are so strong and you have kept your faith, I am still trying to get mine back, May all of you have a more peaceful New Year. Love you all, Jean

Comment by Marge Babenko on December 26, 2012 at 2:57pm
I am so glad that Christmas is finally over. I tried very hard to soldier on for my family, all the while my heart was breaking. Everything I was able to do, I did for him, because he so loved Christmas. But in the end after everyone went home, I realized how lonely my life will be from now on. No one to tell my secret thoughts to, to tell me everything will be ok, or to just say, let's do something just for us. Now there is no us, just me.
Comment by Marsha H on December 26, 2012 at 2:52pm

Carol ... I am so happy for you that you had such a good Christmas and your little granddaughter filled in that hole.  I wish we'd had children so I could do the same.  I can't say that Christmas still wasn't somewhat fun and joyful as I had my small family surrounding me and it was very laid-back. 

I hope you get through your Wedding Anniversary on a peaceful note. 

I do hope 2013 is a kinder year to all of us. 

I too wish for peace and a lessening of grief for my extended family on here.  We should be so proud of ourselves for going through such a difficult journey.  Another New Year coming up and we'll all still be here to lift one another up and we are blessed to have that.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Diane C on December 26, 2012 at 1:58pm

Stacey,

Good to hear that you had an excellent Christmas, considering... And what great news to have your husbands headstone placed. What a nice Christmas present that was for all of you and your family. I hope things keep looking up for you and your son!!

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 26, 2012 at 1:55pm

Hi everyone.  I just want to say I hope everyone had as good a Christmas as possible and are feeling hopeful for the new year:)  I think, as I read so many posts here, that we all do the absolute best we can for our families, and that truly is all that can be asked of us.  Those who love us know the lonleliness of these holidays in our hearts, but as we try to embrace the love that surrounds us it does bring comfort.  I see my darling Jack in our little granddaughter, the little personality traits that come out as she grows and it fills the hole in my heart when I look at her.  So this Christmas I chose to celebrate her and send messages of love to my husband, and I had a nice time.

 

Now for the New Year~one wedding anniversary to spend, and then onto 2013, and hope for good things.

 

I wish you peace and hope on your grief journey, and let's continue to share the support, the words of wisdom from everyone here, and know we all care.

 

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Jessi Lacoste on December 26, 2012 at 1:37pm

Dixie... I don't know your story but hearing that as hard as your day was, you got through it without crying just goes to show how strong a woman you are and shows me that yes with time it does get a little easier, so good to hear. I hope you get through New years as best you can, and stay strong. 

Thank you for sharing about your Christmas eve and Christmas day and also for the good advice. Take care and god bless you all.

 

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