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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on January 5, 2013 at 3:41pm

Dixie ... you speaking of birds reminds me of my girlfriend who has Humming birds still coming to feast.  I always thought Humming birds came in the spring and summer, but found out there is a breed that still feed through window.  They are so beautiful to watch as the males come in such gorgeous colors (blast ... the females are a dull color.  LOL)  I bought my girlfriend 2 beautiful ornamental be-jeweled Humming birds for Christmas and she loves them and has each of them of different lamp shades.  We get Starlings here (pests) as are the crows.  Before we know it Robins will be chirping away pecking at the grass for grubs.

Comment by Marsha H on January 5, 2013 at 3:35pm

Dick ...  I think you are doing very well considering your grief.  It was just a few months after my husband passed that I gave most of his clothing to the Salvation Army (I was in a fog at the time) but, believe it or not I kept his old work sneakers he wore climbing around yachts he built.  I even kept his work jacket; some sweaters, etc.  I just couldn't part with them. 

I too am trying my best to distract myself.  My husband's best friend came and painted my ceilings and this Sunday I am helping him paint the walls in the living room.  I've bought the paint and ready to go.  I have girlfriends over; go out for dinner; movies, anything to distract me, but, as you say sometimes the mind won't let go and believe me I still have my cries.  I have a terrible time putting out the last picture of my husband and I taken January 1, 2011 just a few months before he passed away.  I have made a promise to myself to put that picture out on my b/d in a week and if it makes me cry then so be it and I'll get use to it eventually. 

I think the reality is what makes us grieve Dick and we still do to different degrees and without realizing it keeping busy and being around other people is a start for our new future.  I know it's not easy.  We know the more we are out there and have 'two faces' as Jan P put it  ... one sad when we think of our spouses and a smile on our faces when around other people can be exhausting.  I am sure given time we will get to the point where our hearts don't hurt as much.  It's the waiting game with grief and being blind-sided by it that distracts all of us.

It's wonderful to hear from you Dick and that you are trying so very hard and you're going to make it.  Things may look bleak now, but I am sure we will all find our nitch in life.

Take care

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on January 5, 2013 at 3:23pm

Comment by Marsha H just now           Delete Comment

Sue H ...  I am so glad you have comes to terms with your mom.  Your mom is grieving over the loss of your husband too and, this brings the bad word 'mortality' to mind for all of us including your mom and she's trying her best to 'kick start you' because she doesn't want to lose you.  I know when you are grieving over a spouse it is so very difficult to see how others are grieving around you because they tend to cover it up and just want us to be our old selves and, in time, we will be close to our old selves, but never 100% complete because the love of our lives has been taken away.  You have the right attitude re your support group; this forum and that one great friend (I have one too) and finding faith is all you need to get through the grieving.  Grievers miss human touch and we can reach out and get it from a good friend or a hug from someone in a support group, but, we need to realize that family or some of our friends just can't deal with their own mortality and we remind them of that.  They want the old 'us' back and are waiting for a perky phone call or a smile from us.  You're healing all the time Sue and I can see changes in you already. When the grief blind-sides us we tend to forget all those baby steps we took to get us this far, but we are improving.

It's a bumpy ride, but I think for most of us (at different stages of grief) every day we survive makes us stronger whether we realize it or not.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on January 5, 2013 at 3:22pm

Frank

Noticed your comment on my three years had really deprerssed you.   I cannot say I am any better now but perhaps I can offer some hope.    When my husband died I would say that after a year I was beginning to come to terms (if one ever really does), then my family pulled the small amount of support they were giving (one phone call a week), and from the start my sister was quite nasty with me, criticised the memorial service and the eulogy for my husband etc etc, several really nasty things which her daughters seem to have gone along with (in spite of all I did for all of them) and I think that threw me right back to the beginning and I have not been able to make progress since so if you have family and support, there is a good chance you will do better than me.    I feel  your pain and empathise with you.   I hope you can manage to pull yourself out of it unlike me.   God Bless (though I have enormous doubts about God at the moment). Helen

Comment by Dick on January 5, 2013 at 2:24pm
Diane..Friends recommended that I wait for a support group for 50s and 60s..and not join a group with people in their 80s. It just means my waiting longer.

I made a "first pass" and pulled out tons of Marje's clothes that had no real sentimental value. Those were easy to give away...seeing an empty close is not easy. Then I pulled out clothes that meant something to me...those Im keeping. That left me with things that I didnt want to just give away..but were in good shape and "desirable". My wife had been a buyer for a department store..so acquiring clothes came easy. Im letting some family and friends choose any of those things that they would like.

Im trying to do what I think Marje would want....it just isnt easy.

How long has it been that Rich has been gone?
Comment by Sue H on January 5, 2013 at 12:41pm

Marsha and Jessi..thank you so much for your kind and insightful words. Others not being able to walk this journey with us is an unexpected part of this loneliness. You are right about my Mom Marsha. We are very close and she so badly needs me to feel better. I get that as a parent but she always wanted to share my trials and tribulations but this one is too much and I need new friends to listen. The people on this forum, my support group and I have onedear friend who has been there for me day or night since the beginning. Dixie, I love that you posted the rules/no rules of grief. Thank you. Nice to see Frank again and sorry for how hard he is struggling. I am doing a bit bettter today, cleaning and paying bills and seeing a friend later. Bless you all.

Comment by Chicago Beard on January 5, 2013 at 10:14am

In response to Diane I am doing relatively OK. My new lady and I are still strong. I read all the posts even though I am rarely posting myself. I am looking at retirement in December and then major surgery next January. Everyone be as well as you can.

Comment by Diane C on January 5, 2013 at 8:41am

Hi Dick,

It was you that I was asking about. Good to hear from you, and glad to hear that you are getting out a little. I am going to contact my bereavement counselor soon to get involved in one of the hospice bereavement groups too. She sent me a list of the different groups that they have, so I just have to see where I fit in best. I am doing the same as you are right now too, going through "stuff" around the house that we have accumululated over the years. I have bagged a lot of Rich's clothes and need to drop them off. But it is so hard to make that move. I have driven them around in my car, and brought them back home. Then I broke down the bags into smaller bags and that made it a little easier to just take a few things at a time. I like you, also have some things that I will just keep. I had a teddy bear made out of his favorite flannel shirt and a jacket that he wore the whole time he was at hospice house. They are of comfort to me.

It was good hearing from you and I wish you well....

Comment by Dick on January 5, 2013 at 7:21am
Marsha...what helps me get through the day are "distractions"...anything that takes my mind off reality.

I've started throwing out a lot of accumulated stuff..that was only kept because we had the room to store it.

I've separated a lot of her clothes. Most if it I've given away. Some of it I've offered to family and friends...and of course...some things I just can't part with.

Physically, it gives the impression I'm moving forward...but mentally....well you know how that is

I am,though, trying to be around other people...anything that gives my mind a break from reality

Thanks for thinking of me
Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on January 5, 2013 at 7:14am

Thank you to all who replied to my blog.   Frank in particular resonated with me.   I too do not want to get out of bed and would happily stay there forever.   My husband and I spent every second of every day together in total happiness so where do I go now.   I too feel that my husband must have been the attraction since most of my "friends" have now gone.   I appreciate that is possible, he was a vibrant and highly though of man.    (Anyone interested can find him on the glass wall of the Royal Society of Medicine in London.    Just log on to the society and call up the wall of honour and there he is under JS Morley Hutchinson.   This was my tribute to him and I have been truly touched by the people who have taken the trouble to write about him on it.   Convinces me all the more that I was not and never have been of any importance in any friendship relationship so am no almost resigned to living what is left of my life in the terrible pain. - How sorry for myself is that?   But it is what I fell.. 

Thanks again for the comments, they help as I realise I am (I thought I was)am not the only one in the whole World feeling as awful as I do.

 

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