Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on January 4, 2013 at 7:09pm

Frank is doing fine and I'm keeping in touch with him.  Sometimes people just have to take some peace time out and rest for a bit.  I'm sure he will be on here when he is ready.

Dick doesn't come on the forum that often and it has been his routine to do so since I've been on Legacy.

I'm sure they thank you for all your concern.


Comment by Diane C on January 4, 2013 at 6:03pm

I was thinking about Frank too, Dixie, it has been a few days.


And has anyone heard from Dick? It seems like forever since I've heard from him.

I hope all is well.

Comment by Marsha H on January 4, 2013 at 3:36pm

Hi Helen ...  I am so sorry you have to be here and my condolences on the passing of your husband.  My husband passed away April 2011 and I and many others on this forum have experienced what you are going through.  Grief Counseling warned me about this, but I was too foggy-headed to let it sink in. 

I had the same feelings as you that after my husband passed my small family (no children, just a brother; his wife and 2 nephews) and friends for 20 - 40 years seemed to fade away and I was left with a handful of loyal friends.  It's over-whelming!  I felt like it was my husband that was the one that had caused our friends to hang around and now that I am alone I'm thrown away like an old shoe.  It's part of the grief process because we are reminders of our spouses and sometimes people just don't know what to do or say. Eventually some do drift back into your life.  My small family is most supportive and a few of our old friends now keep in touch with me.  I made new friends here as well. 

I am very extroverted and my husband was more on the quiet side, but a loving and gentle giant and we both were well liked.  Grief can muddle us up so easily so give it time Helen.  I found by phoning a few of these friends and asking how they were doing it led to them asking how I was doing and it opened the doors to let them know I was grieving, but getting a little better as the weeks past. Little by little we began to respond to each other again. 

What you are going through right now is extremely common, but it does get better Helen.  I found I had to reach out to them and sit down and talk to them about how I felt and that I still wanted to feel useful by listening to their problems if they had any and that I was 'alive' and hadn't changed with the exception of losing my beloved husband.  That started the rock rolling to gather moss. 

I hope you will give my suggestion a try because it does make things better.  Of course we will never have all our so-called friends back, but consider it their problem.  Widows or widowers remind family and friends of their own mortality and so they shrink from us until we reach out.

I still have days of feeling lonely and cast aside, but these feelings becoming less.  I try to keep busy and plan on volunteering somewhere as I'm retired and may even try for a part-time job when I'm ready.

Hang in there Helen because it will get better for you.  Reach out!

Hugs (because you need it!)


Comment by Helen Duncan Hutchinson on January 4, 2013 at 2:59pm

I wish someone had warned me that family (a sister and two nieces) and friends would fade into the mist within 3 weeks of my beloved husbands death.   I am now left with a handful of wonderful friends and a great sense of loss (I thought I was so popular.   In my pictures of my silver wedding there I am with the best husband in the World at my side and surrounded by my wonderful family.   Now 2 years later I realise it was all a myth or rather I think my husband was the real attraction (He and  took my sister on holiday with us for 16 years after she was widowed) and now they have not further use for me because I can no longer be of use to them.   It is a hard pill to swallow.   How does one forgive such betrayal and move on.   At the moment the loss of both husband and family has left me in limbo and I can see no future for me other than this churning pain of grief that never lets us.

Comment by Marsha H on January 4, 2013 at 2:47pm

Jessi ... Sorry, missed your post thanking me for the advice I gave Sue. I had learned all that from the time my husband passed away April 2011 so it proves as we grieve we do learn our strengths.  It takes time for the fog of grief to lift and we are different as to how long it takes to get over that raw grief.  Glad I could help.  Many people have problems with family when they are grieving.  I am happy to say I haven't been hounded by my family (my mom passed away in 2004) but I have a brother; his wife and 2 nephews in their 20's.  Some friends are slowly coming back into my life.



Comment by Marsha H on January 4, 2013 at 2:41pm

Jessi ....  You sure hit the nail on the head Jessi.  I was treated the same way.  Being retired I felt like I was an old lady the way they treated me and nicely I told my family that I was capable of many things and that I was still 'me' to a point even though grieving and if any of them had a problem and wanted to discuss it with me then to go ahead as I wanted to be treated as before and not as if I needed to be coddled.  That broke the ice!  Now family and friends do tell me problems they have and it's enabled me to get back part of the old 'me.'  Communication at this point is so important.  Sometimes we just have to sit down and let our family and friends know where 'we' are at.  I'm so happy for you that those friends have decided to talk to you and it's so important to all of us who grieve because it makes us feel useful again.  When caregiving or, even a sudden death of a spouse it's important that we feel needed and not useless as if we are going to fade away at any moment.

You also give good advice Jessi and thanks.



Comment by Jessi Lacoste on January 4, 2013 at 2:25pm

Marsha, I like to help people through their problems also, your right it does make you feel better when you know you have helped someone else. I was always helping friends and family through their tough times, but when Brad passed it was like nobody wanted to tell me their problems anymore cause they felt i had enough to worry about. If they only knew how much it actually helps make me feel better to listen to their problems and try to give good advice. For a long time it was like everyone was keeping things from me and trying to protect me from anything that may be stressful but it just frustrated and upset me that nobody was treating me the way they had or relying on me for help and advice the way they used to, when Brad passed everyone either treated me like i needed protection from the world or avoided me cause of not knowing what to say to me. There is a couple of friends who have just started to talk to me about their problems again and ask my advice, its so nice to feel needed again. Thanks again Marsha for the good advice, take care. Hugs

Comment by Jessi Lacoste on January 4, 2013 at 2:11pm


I am so sorry you are going through the hurt and deep sadness that you are. I was with my Brad from the age of 18 also, unfortunately i didn't get more than 9yrs with him, but i relied on Brad for allot, i didn't realize just how much i relied on and desperately needed him on a daily bases until he was gone. I feel very lost without him, as i know many on this forum feel without their partner, their rock, their love and soul mate by their side. Brad was a very big part of who i was, he completed me and without him here i don't know who i am anymore. He passed away a year ago and i still feel so lost, i can understand your lack of faith, and the anger you feel, i am going threw the same anger and loss of faith myself. I do believe my Brad is around our son and i and i do talk to him every day, so i must still believe a little, just something that takes time i guess and hopefully we can all find whatever faith or belief we need to help us get through the pain. I wish you all the best, my heart goes out to you. Take care, big hugs.


Comment by Jessi Lacoste on January 4, 2013 at 12:25pm


Thank you for the great advice, i, just like Stacey had said, still need to work on some of it. The rule about remember to eat and drink water is definitely great advice, i remember the first few months i lost 10 pounds and i didn't have it to lose in the first place, i would always forget to eat cause i just wasn't hungry or thinking about food at all, and thats very odd for me cause i absolutely love food! especially junk food lol  I also ended up pretty sick and wasn't drinking enough fluids so i ended up in the hospital dehydrated. I think that is a very good and important rule of grieving, as they all are, thanks again. I also loved you saying how after you pass away you want to be buried in your wedding dress and all, so your hubby can see his beautiful bride when he greets you, that brought tears to my eyes. My Brad and i were together 9yrs and he proposed to me after 4yrs, he always said how badly he wanted to make me his wife, but financially we couldn't afford it, we always said we were going to just go to the court house and make it legal until we had money for a wedding but we never did, we thought we had the rest of our lives to get married and as far as we were concerned we were already husband and wife, just didn't have the papers to show it, we always said that whenever someone would ask when the wedding was. We wanted to get married out at my grandpas farm, he had passed away just after i met Brad but the farm stayed in the family and my grandpa, my uncle and my grandma all had their ashes buried and spread out on the farm. I wish so badly that we had gotten married, we both wanted to so much.

Thank you also for the bit about your weenie dogs being your sugar daddies made me laugh, that's awesome, i love it! So you had me almost crying and then laughing lol thanks Dixi!  Take care and God bless!      

Comment by Marge Babenko on January 4, 2013 at 8:19am
Dixie, thank you for those words, I want so much to have a strong faith, I really do. I am seeing a Therapist. I am just so lonely, I have never lived alone, I was 18 when I married. I just don't know what to do without him, he was the wind beneath my wings, and now my wings are broken, and I can't fly without them. I know that I can't understand the reason things happen with my small human brain, but it doesn't make it any easier.

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