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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1372
Latest Conversations: Sep 15

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Janice F. on December 5, 2012 at 9:26pm

Hello to all.  Just want to say I'm still around having a rough go of it this month, like you all seem to be.  Been busy though, mmy son's family & I are looking for a lot with two homes on it to buy.  I dread the whole process of selling my home, moving, all that,  but it really is what I want to do.   Been in this house for 26 years, so much stuff...

I'm not doing well with the whole Christmas thing, unbearable to think of Don not being here.  Keeping it all as low-key as possible.  Someone said not feeling good makes grieving so much harder - if that's possible.

God bless all of us, and I wish you all the best as we get through this difficult time.

Comment by Frank Andrews on December 5, 2012 at 8:29pm

Diane,

  Some people just feel so uncomfortable around grieving spouses... they do not know what to say so they just say nothing and ignore you. I guess you just have to forgive them for their lack of social skills. The important thing is that you got through the day even though you held your tears back until  drove home. They were wrong to ignore your situation and I am sure they regret it.  Yes, the crying and stress take so much out of you and leave you with little energy and feeling so tired. I also feel exhausted after today and just want to lay down, cover up and try to sleep with some boring t.v. show making some noise to get rid of "the sounds of silence".We have all felt this way at times.

  Good for you to seek help with the dryer and I am sure that anyone you ask would be more than willing to help out. Just ask. Your dad will really feel good about being able to help you out if he is the one who is able to fix the dryer for you. You both win if that is what happens. It is only 9 o'clock and I am sooo tired now.  Maybe catching a bug.  We had our first 4 cases of flu reported here today so everyone get their flu shots.  Being sick makes grieving so much more unbearable. I wish I could not just forget the day but this entire month could be blotted out.  Tough time for all of us.  Keep your chin up and one step, one day at a time.  Good night to all.

Comment by Diane C on December 5, 2012 at 3:06pm

I had another issue to vent about that happened today. We had our Christmas luncheon at work. It was a small group of 9 people. Our 2 "big" bosses came out from corporate to have lunch with us. This happens once a year. Well, today they were going around the table talking to each one of us, and asking how our Thanksgiving was and what our plans for Christmas were, etc. I was the 3rd person in the group, and they completely skipped over me and went on to all the others. Now here is the problem, I was both relieved AND really ticked off at the same time. I could feel myself getting uncomfortable and wondering how this was going to go, and what should I say, and then worried that when I did try to talk I would probably burst out crying.  Then, I didn't have to worry about it at all, because they didn't even want to hear what I had to talk about. But then I got really ticked because they didn't ask me any questions. How in the world do we handle this? Or should I just be thankful that I wasn't put on the spot and then embarassed by my reaction to just talking? Of course I cried all the way home after. This kind of stuff really drains me. I just want to go to sleep and forget the day ever happened. So I guess now "I" will be the elephant in the room...

Comment by Diane C on December 5, 2012 at 2:38pm

Hi Marsha,

So good to hear from you and your wise words of wisdom as usual... No one ever has to worry about butting in on my chats. I put stuff out there for all the help I can get, and I appreciate it all!! I did talk to my step-mother last night and she talked to my dad about my dryer problem. He said I need to order a belt and he can put it on for me. So now I am still going to call my neighbor to see if he will come over and take the old one off so I can see what I need. I tried to find the books that came with it, but I can only find the instructions on how to dry clothes. I think I have that down pat by now. Someone at Lowes suggested that I take the old belt off and bring it to them. They might have what I need and then my Dad will put it on for me. I hate to ask him to do any work for me. He is 79 years young but he has some back problems. But I know he really wants to help me, so I will let him try it if he wants too. He has done some little jobs for me, but I really don't want him doing anything too difficult. But again thanks for the pep talk to get me to ask people to help me. I am going to try it and I will let you know how it works out.Thanks for the hugs and I am sending some back to you!!

Comment by Marsha H on December 5, 2012 at 3:30am

Frank ... so good to hear from you.  I sort of figured you were having computer problems because you are so helpful and caring on this forum and I hadn't seen you on Legacy either.  Can't say I wasn't a little worried about you.  I missed your encouraging posts and all the help you give each of us even though I know you are having some tough days.  Email is on it's way my friend.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 5, 2012 at 3:28am

Diane C ...  Sorry to butt in re your post to Frank, but your concerns regarding asking for help sounds so much like me I just could not ignore your post. 

The first year my beloved husband passed away in 2011 I had too much pride (also not use to asking for help) that I didn't, but as the months went by I realized people weren't mind readers and you do have to reach out and touch someone so please phone one of your neighbors for help and leave your husband's friends out of it.

Odd how many of Ernie's male friends are the same; it's as if they can't handle being in the house with me because he is no longer here.  A couple are slowly coming back into my life and my husband's best friend will be painting my living room ceiling.  It took his best friend as long as it did me to get the courage to come into the house.  I have a great neighbor next door who mows the lawn; shovels snow; takes my huge garbage bins down to the street and a lot more and never even says a thing to me about it.  What a sweetheart he and his girlfriend are.  I buy him a case of beer on occasion and then at Christmas give both of them a gift certificate to a nice restaurant. 

You can phone and ask for the help and what I do is get busy somewhere else in the house if I feel teary-eyed and I can still get that way.  No shame in it hon.  There are people who do want to help and they are just waiting for you to ask.  Cry if you want to!

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 5, 2012 at 3:20am

Sue ... I'm so glad I made you feel a little better.  I'm thrilled your husband's daughter is meeting with you.  Why not?  You're a sweetheart and they're lucky to have you.  I hope you have a wonderful time together.  Have you been invited for Christmas by any of your husband's children?

Keep taking those baby steps hon.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 5, 2012 at 3:13am

Stacey ... No problem.  I can imagine how busy you are with your little guy.  I know it's difficult to find a reliable babysitter.  I'm proud of Stacey as I know it isn't easy for you, but you are taking those baby steps and slowly the stress of grief will lessen.  I wish you luck on the apartment.  Please let me know how you made out.  Good luck on your interview too and I'm sure you'll get the job!  I'll pray for you.  If you can ask some of the mothers around where you live who they trust to babysit or if they know of an agency.  This way you feel more secure.  You can also use a video camera hidden to be sure your little guy is looked after properly. Legal or not legal many parents are doing that here in British Columbia.

Stay strong hon, I pray for all on here.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by stacey on December 4, 2012 at 10:22pm

marsha- im so sorry mother hen ive been busy with my lil man and closing at work and trying to find a babysitter all the time, im starting to feel lonely but im hanging in there. i really want this apt i looked at i want i need the extra room for all spoiling this xmas from everyone. i also got a phone interview request for a new job hopefully more stable hours for me and baby for babysitters im going crazy here trying to figure out babysitters and whose gonna sit in my house i trust stuff like that.

Comment by Diane C on December 4, 2012 at 8:41pm

Hi Marlena,

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. You and Frank have given me the courage to ask my neighbors (Rich's good friends) to help me. It makes sense what you said about them really wanting to help too. And I love to talk about my husband, but it is so hard some times. I ran into a friend of his at Lowes this weekend and he was so kind and so sorry for my loss, but I just got too emotional to continue talking to him. I feel bad that I do this. I am sure it makes these people so uncomfortable to talk to me. And I try so hard not to let it happen, but it just comes pouring out of me. I do appreciate you taking the time to chat with me about my latest "issues".... Take care and hugs to you too!!

 

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