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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1376
Latest Conversations: Jul 17

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24, 2019. 12 Replies

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Comment by stacey on January 3, 2013 at 8:27pm

dixie- great rules of greif i NEED for follow a couple a little better lol

Comment by stacey on January 3, 2013 at 8:27pm

marsha- thats a good idea i see what i can do about storing it myself but not sure how well thatll work but he had a lot of friends i trust so i might just ask them. and i do that also when i move to make it easier on myself i ALWAYS had to pack and unpack he did all the heavy stuff.

Comment by Marge Babenko on January 3, 2013 at 7:15pm
Dixie, they are beautiful words, but how do you know that?
Comment by Diane C on January 3, 2013 at 5:08pm

Hi everyone,

I want to thank you all for responding to my question about our marital status. The last couple forms just said Single or Married. It was on the computer, so I had no way to even write something in, so I chose Married. I like the rest of you, will be married to my husband for the rest of my life on this earth. Then I will join him as his wife again some day. But I really appreciate all the work you did Marsha in researching it, and Jan F (I am from the US - Ohio), Dixie and Jane too. I knew you all would come through to help me with this.

Also I am so sorry to hear what hard times some of you are having right now, Jessi, Stacey and Sue. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers, hoping that things will turn around for you and things will get better. We all have so much more on our plates now than we ever would have imagined. Hang in there....

 

Comment by Marsha H on January 3, 2013 at 3:41pm

Jessi ... you are welcome.  In my second year of grieving the fog lifted enough where I began to hear with a clearer mind (still a bit foggy though LOL) and realized that in the midst of our grief others too have problems.  A trick I have now learned is to ask the person how they are doing first.  I really do listen to what they have to say and it boosts us because just like on this forum we are really helping people with our advice.  Grief is a road on it's own and I understand that, but society as a whole does not.  So ask the other person first how they're doing because it softens the conversation and THEN you can talk about your spouse.  Thank God for this forum as we can say what we feel.  Look back in your life (we all go through it) and remember people who were complaining about this and that (not grieving) and how we tended to stray away from that person for awhile because they simply brought us down and depressed us.  They never once asked 'how are you doing?'  Grief is a bummer for sure, but the world will not stop because we are grieving.  We have this forum; choose a close friend to discuss your grief with who will stand by you.

Hugs to you hon

Marsha

 

Comment by Jessi Lacoste on January 3, 2013 at 3:15pm

Marsha, Your words to Sue about people saying hurtful things, you couldn't have said it any better. Thank you i needed to hear it as well, my mom has said some pretty shocking and hurtful things since my Brad passed and you are right they don't understand cause they have never been there but they do care and just don't want to see us hurting anymore. Thanks again, for more great advice. Hugs 

Comment by Marsha H on January 3, 2013 at 3:06pm

Jane P ...  Thanks for that and glad I helped with my advice.  You're one strong lady and we are much alike.  I must still be living enough where the old me is coming out and I am still married!  I do the same as you do and detest putting the word 'widow' down, but that is better than 'single.'  I'm not single for my husband is still my husband even though our vows said 'until death do us part.'  He has been a part of my life for 45 years (longer than my parents had me) and NO ONE is going to take that away from me. 

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on January 3, 2013 at 3:02pm

Hi Stacey ... How about this to resolve your problems of your husband's things ... find a family member or a good friend of his who will take all those bits and pieces of your husbands and just store them if you can.  Don't try to decide now what to keep or throw away because you could make a mistake.  There may be things your husband has there that you could sell and would help you out a bit financially.  If you know of no one see how much storage costs and if it's not too expensive move all those things into storage.  I do believe you mentioned that you did have male help so ask one of them if you could store your husband's things with them for a few months until you settle into your new place and new life. 

Just in case you haven't thought of it Stacey here is another little tip:  Pack things from the kitchen; bedroom and bathroom and mark the boxes as 'kitchen', etc., and what is in the box.  This way when you unpack you can unpack fast and get the necessities you need really fast.  My husband and I have moved many of our friends and also moved from our apartment into the house I'm in now and that's how we did it.  Hope this helps hon and before you know it you'll be in your new apartment and I'm so excited for you and your wee boy.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Jessi Lacoste on January 3, 2013 at 3:00pm

Sue, im sorry about your loss and i am so sorry you feel so alone in this hard time. I say how alone i feel without having my Brad here, and i have my 4yr old son and animals around me all the time, i can't imagine if i didn't, i don't know that id of made it this far without my son. You are such a strong woman Sue. I hope you find a good room mate when the time is right. 

Comment by Marsha H on January 3, 2013 at 2:52pm

Sue ...  I'm glad I made you somewhat happy to start your day.  I only wish I was young enough to work because that takes up most of your day and now that I'm retired it's a long day and I feel I need to do something this year to get back out into society.  I haven't quite figured out what yet.  LOL

Most of us on here have experienced family or friends saying the darndest things to us that hurt us to the core.  You're mother did not choose her words correctly and yes, I could tell you to be angry with her, but you did say in your post that she has been worried about you.  I think when we grievers go on about how we truly feel (nothing can take that pain away no matter how much we talk and it's a process of grieving and does take time) your mother probably finds it frustrating because she loves you and wants you to be happy.  It would be wise of you to have a one-on-one with your mom and as calmly as you can tell her how your heart is breaking and that you simply just don't get over the one you shared your life with in a day or even a couple of years and that you are proud of the fact you still go to work, etc.  Remind her that to you she is your mother and like the true phrase 'in every adult there is a child screaming to get out.'  This means that when we hurt we are basically a small wounded child and thus, you go running to your mom for support.  That's common!  You have to educate your mom on how you feel.  Although she hurt you deeply remember that it's because she loves you so much; probably lays awake at night and worries about you.  This is why communication is so important.  My one and only sibling (6 years young than myself) my brother can't handle coming to visit me and will only come over once in a blue moon with his wife, but he phones on occasion and I go to their house for special occasions and I'm just going to have to feel blessed for that.  He does feel badly for me, but admitted it reminds him so much of the fact of how fragile life is and he's now worrying about his wife dying because he has seen what I'm going through.  His wife is having some health issues at the present time, but not sure if it's all that serious.

When we grieve we are in another world.  We're lonely; over-whelmed; the world around us looks different and sometimes we forget that family and friends have their worries too even though they may seem trivial in comparison to what we are going through, but we need to remind ourselves that we were where they are now at one time.  I try to get family and friends to load off some of their problems to me because it makes me feel useful again and I want to retain the normalcy of who I am ... helping family and friends.

Have a good day hon and remember ... your mom loves you dearly!

Big hugs

Marsha

 

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