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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1372
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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Frank Andrews on December 4, 2012 at 8:31pm

 Sue, 

  Yes, she can cheer this forum up with her posts. I am glad you found us to get you through some tough days and when we hear from you getting better it lifts our spirits. New traditions are a good thing if the old traditions are painful and I am glad that his daughter is so thoughtful (must have gotten that trait from her dad).  Good night and a hug to you.

Comment by Sue H on December 4, 2012 at 7:46pm

Marsha, you have no idea what a boost you gave me when I read your post. I am so grateful I found you all here. You guys are stuck with me! I had a wonderful phone call from Ray's daughter tonight. We are planning a get together before the holidays to just be together and celebrate Ray. Nothing would make him happier. A new tradition. We only had one year and I am so happy his children will remain in my life.

Comment by Marlena on December 4, 2012 at 6:37pm

Hi...I'm just checking back in after being gone for quite a while.  I have been here since Steve started this page over 3 years ago.  I come and go...sometimes I just need to be here and then other times I feel the need to step away.  I read your posts and so many of them I could have written and probably did write something similar.  I have felt the way you all do and some days still do feel that way.  Mostly, I wish we could have our life back just the way it was. This path that we were all so unwillingly thrown into is not easy - it's long and treacherous.  And the horrible reality is that we have absolutely no control over any of it...it feels as if we are all just along for the ride.  Sure, we can make choices about what direction we end up taking, but that comes further down the line.  For now, we all just have to walk through the grief, follow the journey where it leads, because there is no way around it...as much as I wish there was.

Diane C, One thing I've learned in the past 3 1/2 years is not to be afraid to ask for help when you need it.  So many people want to help, but just have no idea what to do.  You asking gives them something tangible to do for you.  Plus, it helps them to work through their grief as much as it helps you to get things done. I usually get all misty (and sometimes full blown tears) when someone does help just because it means so much and it hurts, too, to know that the fix-it man I had isn't there to do his jobs.  When it seemed as if my tears or my talking about Tom was making them nervous I reminded them that their work means so much to me and that I like talking about Tom and knowing how much Tom meant to them makes it easier to talk to them about him. (As long as it doesn't bother you to talk about your husband.) Once you let them know it's okay to talk about your love they usually are willing to open up and share stories.  (I love hearing the crazy stories his friends have to share about all their wild adventures together.)  For Tom's friends it is a relief to feel they can talk about Tom comfortably with me.  Believe me, you won't sound pathetic to them.

Hugs and Blessings

Comment by Diane C on December 4, 2012 at 5:19pm

Frank,

Thanks for the response. Sorry to hear that you have been having a rough day today too. I have cried for 3 days straight and then this darn dryer really added to my misery. I have had a lot of people offer their help, but I just don't know which ones really mean it. Guess I just really hate to bother any one. I think it has just been a really rough couple of days, and I just needed to vent. I just wish I had a really good male friend that would help me with all of the stuff as it comes up. I do have 2 wonderful neighbors that would help me at a drop of the hat. I guess I should swallow my pride and make a couple of phone calls. They were best friends with my husband, but I think it bothers them (makes them sad I think) to come over and be here without him. Just not sure I can do it without breaking down and sounding pathetic....

Comment by Frank Andrews on December 4, 2012 at 5:00pm

Diane,

 Just the opposite for me.  I am learning about house cleaning and doing laundry. House is very unkempt and I really cannot get into it at this time.  You should have some male friends or his friends that you could try to call for advice about repairs. We were dealt this hand and we have to accept it because there is no choice. I have had a bad day because of phone calls and discussions I have had about my wife so I have shed quite a few tears at various times today.  Like you, I wonder when it gets better. Hugs to all.

Comment by Diane C on December 4, 2012 at 4:11pm

Hi Marsha, sounds like you and your girlfriend had a great time. So glad to hear that you got the tree up and with no injuries. ;0) I am having a bad few days. The 1st was my 4th month anniversary without my husband. It is still so hard for me to accept the cards I have been dealt. Then find out today that my dryer is not working. I hate calling repairmen and being here alone when they come to make the repairs. How do you find a good reputable company to begin with? My husband could do most repairs himself, or seemed to have all sorts of connections or knew who to call when we needed something. I never had to worry about this. Then how do you decide to either repair or replace? I just miss my husband SO much, and I want the life we had back. This is just so damn hard!!!!

 

Comment by Frank Andrews on December 4, 2012 at 8:19am

Marsha, I am getting over a bad cold and my internet service having some glitches which one of my sons corrected for me.  Sounds like you had a good time with your tree and I am glad you are able to do so and have such a good friend to share times like that. Going over some old postings, I noticed that many have not returned and it is probably because they found some kind of peace and acceptance in their lives and have moved on. It should be a sign of hope for all of us that things get better. Hugs to all.

Comment by Marsha H on December 4, 2012 at 4:25am

Hey there Jane P ... thar ya are!  Wish I was there!  I was on chat (saw you there, but you must have been doing something else.)  You signed off.  Sorry I missed you.  Just going to answer emails.  Will keep chat on while doing so. Hope you are having a peaceful evening my friend.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 4, 2012 at 4:21am

TO EVERYONE:  Finally my girlfriend and I got my first time ever artificial tree up tonight.  What a sight ... wish you all could have been here for a good laugh.  Tree came in 3 sections and Sue and I put the wrong one in the stand.  Both stood back and had a look at it and our eyes must have been off tilt ... boughs were going up the wrong way like a bad umberella day.  Had to regroup.  Finally got the right one in then headed for the second one and managed to get that in.  Thought we were pretty smart until we tried putting the top piece in.  I was helping Sue hold one side (tree is 7.5 feet and we are 5' 6") and had a heck of a time (didn't want to stand on anything for fear of one of us falling off and hurting a tail bone or something) so stretched up on our toes causing us both to the splits!  Honestly!  My foot went into the vanitian blind (didn't get stuck) and Sue got me laughing so hard I actually wet myself a wee bit.  I was a little ticked off that these strange actions of putting such a tree up and the antics we went through weren't caused by a good wine or something stronger ... just the stupidity of old hens trying to deal with progress.  Tree looks nice with all white lights and I told Sue to do what I have done since I was a kid and stare at the lights cross-eyed so she did and we started laughing again.  Coming from a Scottish Ancestery I yelled out 'I'm afeered; I'm afeered; these lights must be flashing out to space.  Talk about bright!  Don't even need my two lamps on.  Haven't decorated it yet and want to fluff out the branches more, but not bad.

Just thought I share with you that two old broads can still get some heavy things done when needed.  We're proud of ourselves. 

Comment by Marsha H on December 4, 2012 at 4:10am

Jane P & Janeo ... Sweet Pea ... where oh where did you go?  Hair slicked back; eye lids turned inside out; spinach in your teeth; got schnoggen in your noggen (hang-over)?

Hugs

Marsha 

 

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