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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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Latest Conversations: Nov 8

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

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Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Carol Kayser on December 6, 2012 at 10:18pm

Thanks Marsha, I appreciate that.  I feel like a dishrag.  I know if I don't rest and get over the cough it will just come back!  I was going to try and spot clean my rugs today too, but I just napped and napped instead.

It's kind of a double whammy isn't it, your friend comes over and it is a great day, it brings back those feelings of having a man around the house and then when they leave, wow, you feel kind of lost and sad all over.  But it was really nice that you had a great time and visit, that's what I call a breakthrough!  My husband had the kind of job that he had wonderful close friends at work but that was it.  Once home well, there were really no male friends, except my dad (who passed 6 yrs ago) and our son-in-law.  So now there is no one to call (except Ghostbusters)! 

I emailed the strata council president about my car - her hubby is a retired cop, high profile one too.  He works at Home Depot now - I think that is kinda funny!  Hey, I should ask him to come and help me:)

 

Thanks for cheering me up, as always Marsha.

Hugs:)

Carol

Comment by Frank Andrews on December 6, 2012 at 10:00pm

It seems as though most of us are fighting some kind of bug in addition to the grief and dreading the holiday season.  I wish everyone here can get though it quickly and with very little stress.  Maybe a Christmas blessing from above.  Hope so for all.

Comment by Marsha H on December 6, 2012 at 9:38pm

Carol ... I am so sorry that you are very sick.  Bronchitis is something I have to watch out for too. I picked up the flu bug and got over most of it, but sometimes the nausea comes back off and on so I'm careful not to get chilled and try to rest.  I certainly can believe someone smashing in your car window as it happens here as well, but sorry you had to be the one.  If it rains it seems to pour. 

Christmas is such a high anxiety and stressful time of year at best and add grief to it and it's a bomb!  I feel somewhat different this December.  Last December I was in a fog (shock) and I went through Christmas very well, but reality has set in and I do have my up and down days.  I miss my beloved husband too and Christmas was so special for us, but now it's me and the dogs.  Of course I have a small family and I'll be going out for Christmas Eve; Christmas and New Year's Eve (just a quiet one at friends of mine.)  I go because I exist and hope for the best.

You hang in there girl and I pray you will be feeling better soon. 

Big huge hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 6, 2012 at 9:31pm

Wilela ...  Don't be ashamed of your crying as I do it too.  Carol explained it so well.  We miss our loves so much and of course Christmas can be a time of sorrow for many even if they haven't lost someone dear to their hearts.  It is normal to cry.  Remember what I said, 'Wear those sunglasses!'  If anyone should ask you have them on then simply tell them that you have a small problem with your eyes.  They don't need to know more.  I am always carrying Kleenex around with me.  Something as simple as seein a loaf of my husband's Celiac Bread can send me into a state of bawling my head off.  It's grief and it will get more tolerable as time goes on.  It is not something you can rush.

Today I had my husband's best friend (his wife is also a friend of mine) come to paint the living room ceiling.  The 4 of us were close at one time and now here was Will and myself.  We had a wonderful time and laughed and joked and when he left to go home he said he had such fun and it was a great day.  I was pleased and thought nothing of it, but the minute he walked down that driveway I began to sob uncontrollably.  I just cried 'because I can and anyone that says I can't can suck wind!'  I realized how complex grief is.  #1 Ernie use to paint the ceilings for me as he was 6' 6" tall and could just walk along and Will is very tall also; people would always mistake them for each other and #2 Reality set in and I felt lonely; wanted my beloved husband back; realized how over-whelming some things can be to do in a house, but it was the sudden loneliness that got to me.  I had my good bawling session and then slapped myself silly and got on with cleaning the carpets.  Just spot cleaning, but I scrubbed here and there until I was exhausted.  Helps.

You are not going crazy; you are not abnormal in your grief.  Just cry as it's the bodies way of getting rid of stress. 

Big Hug Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on December 6, 2012 at 9:17pm

Stacey .. I'm sorry you didn't get the apartment, but consider this ... fate steps in for a reason.  This happened to my husband and I.  One of our dear little dogs died in the past and we were looking for another dog at a shelter.  We saw this sweet part Scotty x Terrier dogs (female) and fell in love with her.  However, she was up for adopted by the SPCA and they were hanging onto her tight for some reason.  We fought so hard to get her.  Our vet who gave us a shining letter that we were wonderful pet owners said this to us, 'If she was meant to be yours then you would have her.  Since you don't there is another little dog that really needs you and you need it.'  We didn't think anything of it until we came across the none other than the dog I have now.  She is so supportive in my grief, but she also was a wonderment and joy to my husband and I when she was here.  So, it all works out better in the end.  That's why you shouldn't be so disappointed because you didn't get this apartment .. there is a better one for you and, the possibility that the apartment you wanted is not meant for you because of your fate (danger zone .. who knows.)  There is always a reason for something.  So don't be upset because I know you'll find that special apartment that will suit you and your little guy to a tee. 

Here are some tips for the landlord:  If you have rented before then be sure you list phone numbers of the previous landlords.  If you have never rented an apartment before then get personal references from friends; pastor; doctor, etc.  These help.  Try to get your light; cable, electric, etc., rolled into your rent if possible.  Hope this helps.

Big hugs

Marsha

Comment by Carol Kayser on December 6, 2012 at 9:05pm

Hi all, I have been too sick to read the posts recently.  The flu bug was so nasty and I ended up with bronchitis, as I have asthma.  I feel like I have fought a 14 round knock-out in the ring.  I haven't been able to do much of anything, except sleep and watch tv.  The other day though I needed to go to the doctor and came out to my car to find my passenger side window smashed to pieces:( someone must have thought it was fun to just destroy another's property.  $300 later to have fixed.  So it's been a really hard week.  I keep looking at the picture of my sweetheart and feeling so dreadfully alone. 

Wilela, I cry so easily too.  I cry at anything now.  There just has to be one tiny sad storyline, one sad story in the paper, anything.  I have had those times of just losing it, you have to let it happen.  It's nothing to be embarrassed about.  You shouldn't worry about others.  You might find that if someone asked if you were ok and you told them about your loss, they would likely be very comforting to you.  We often find comfort in the words of strangers.  My doctor said recently again, when I explained how I cry, it's perfectly ok and normal, you are grieving and because there is no timeline on grief, it takes the time it takes.

The tears are the signs of the true love you shared Wilela, be proud of them and embrace them.

 

Hugs,

Carol

Comment by Marsha H on December 6, 2012 at 7:56pm

Diane C ... You are so welcome.  Truthfully, I do think they were thinking of your feelings.  All of us who have lost a loved one are extremely sensitive (like women going through menopause and men afraid to answer their question. Ha ha.)  If they did make a fuss you may have started to cry so they simply decided not to mention anything.  As long as they talked to you during the evening then there was no issue.  I know I still can flip back and forth with my feelings; I will want someone to talk to me and mention Ernie and then cry and other times I'm glad they don't bring up anything and just talk to 'me.'

I think you idea of waiting for this man to phone again is best.  I am sure you are safe anyway.  Sooner or later some of your husband's business acquaintances will need to know he has passed away.  For now, wait, but the next time the man calls tell him the truth.  You don't have to go into great detail.  If you are worried about feeling safe then add you are so fortunate that your brother is now living with you.  This means there is a man in the house. That's what I did.

I understand perfectly that you have a new problem every day. Ever since my husband passed away one thing or the other is breaking down (including me) and sometimes I just feel over-whelmed.  It does get better though and I am learning to lean on a few people by just spitting out what I need and also learning how to do things around the house I've never had to do. 

My pleasure Diane and so glad I could help you.  We are all in the same boat. 

Here is some more big hugs!

HUG, HUG AND HUG

Marsha

Comment by Diane C on December 6, 2012 at 4:00pm

Marsha,

Thanks for the great advice. You are always so diplomatic and thoughtful with your responses. I was absolutely torn between the two feelings. Thinking they might be trying to spare my feelings and the other just thinking the were being very insensitive. I have not had any bouts with crying at work, so I wondered why they were trying to spare me those feelings. I have cried when talking to individual co-workers, but it was always under control. I love to talk about my husband, some days it is really really hard and then others I am ok with it. Just a roller coaster of emotions. I just don't know from one day to the next, what the emotions will be... But I am now ok with all of this and as usual your advice was appreciated.

Then today I get home from work and there is a message on the answering machine for my husband from someone he previously did some work for, wanting him to come back for another problem. I have decided not to call him back unless he calls and leaves another message. I don't personally know this man, so I feel this would be an ok reaction to it. Let me know what you think. Seems like I have a new problem every day... sorry. But I know I will get the best advice on this forum. Thanks again! And thanks for the BIG HUGE HUGS, they were much appreciated.

Comment by Diane C on December 6, 2012 at 3:49pm

Jane P,

Thanks for your response to my dilemma yesterday, with the office party. I do feel less hostile about it today. ;0)  This site is such a great place to get advice and it really helps knowing that we are all in this together. Thanks again and thanks for the hugs, I really needed them!!

Comment by stacey on December 6, 2012 at 3:44pm

Marsha well i didnt get the apartment im really irritated and upset about it too. i guess i just dont understand how thee things work yet the hubby always dealt with the landlords and now i dont think ill get anywhere but i guess i got to keep trying i just wanna scream.  

 

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