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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1371
Latest Conversations: on Tuesday

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Frances C Younger on May 30, 2019 at 10:26pm

Still not sure how to comment on many of the posts.  It is a rainy, uncomfortable night.  Reading your comments helps me.  

Comment by Mary. Jane on May 30, 2019 at 7:19pm

Ok this is a weird question..but do any of you get “signs” from your departed loved one? First off, I talk to Bob all day..but I have mentioned that..and Rudy my kitty often stares intently at something I cannot see..when I interrupt him, he will glance at me for a second, then go back to staring into the same space. I know it is “Daddy”. 

But a strange thing happened yesterday. I have several kitchen junk drawers; in one of them I keep my jewelry tools..little pliers, etc for making and repairing jewelry..and for about 6 months, I couldn’t find my favorite needle nose pliers, which I have had for at least 20 years. I even took everything out of the drawers,looking for them..my OTHER tools were there, but not that pair. Yesterday, when I opened that drawer...THE PLIERS WERE THERE!  RIGHT ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE!!! They were NOT there for MONTHS, and now they were..and I had searched the entire house for them.  And, WEIRDLY, I ordered another pair on Amazon..but when they arrived, they were not the right size..they were a lot bigger...I was going to return them, but they were PERFECT for a ton of little things...not jewelry, but removing nails, etc...very useful, and i love them! So..I know Bob had something to do with all of that. Yes, there have been other signs...some big, some small...and last night, my daughter had a HUGE sign! I will tell y’all the very weird details in another post. 

Comment by Marsha H on May 30, 2019 at 6:47pm

Dear brother Steve ...  What beautiful poems and so full of wisdom and I sure needed that!  Thank you so much for taking the time to  post that as it gives us peace and hope.

I resonate with you when people ask us how we are doing so shortly after our spouse's passing.  Myself (you know how feisty I am) believe in the truth.  Without ruining the evening when around others and someone has the audacity to think I'm 100% OK after Ernie's passing I just look at them square in the eye and tell them 'I'm doing, but not always OK.  When you love someone deeply it takes time for the dense hurt to go away.'  I then smile and change the subject and after my comment no one dared to even approach that subject.  LOL  Guess I am to honest for my own good.

My girlfriend just had her husband pass April 27th on the same day Ernie passed away.  We keep in close contact with each other and I'm helping her through all the red tape.  She always kept in touch with after Ernie passed and not many will do that.  She answered a question we all ask about people not understanding our loss when she said, 'Oh Marsha, I felt badly for you and we missed Ernie, but I had no idea what a gut-wrenching loss it truly was and now I know.  Thanks for being there for me.'  So my friends people don't really mean to hurt your feelings even if some get pushy, but they feel badly to see us so sad and want to 'fix us.'  Be as patient as possible with these people because they truly care.  We are so sensitive for the first 3 years after our spouse passes so I just bite my tongue.  Glad I did.  

Hugs to my 2 best brothers

Love

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on May 30, 2019 at 6:38pm

Mary.Jane ... Prayers from me went out to all of you with your horrific weather.  Sometimes we feel we are making a mistake such as moving, but actually there is a good reason behind what does happen to us as the future faces us and thankfully you are moving to California where I know you will be happy.  

Many hugs

Marsha

Comment by Sara Murphy on May 30, 2019 at 11:23am
Deb P....Praying for your safety and that your home is spared from flooding. Please update us when you're able to.
Comment by Mary. Jane on May 30, 2019 at 8:04am

Oh Debrah, what region do you live in? Omg..this weather is astonishingly horrible!  I know yesterday Steve and Chuck were under tornado warnings, even before they posted..as I live 4 hours from them, and it was the same storm. These storms are just jaw dropping. Almost 2 weeks of constant peril...

I will pray that somehow u don,t get flooded...so many people around my area are..I was just fortunate the area I live in was higher..and not near water. It is just the tornados I am in danger of. 

And,there might b a bright side...as my life has been complete chaos for 2 weeks..THIS is the time we chose to buy a new place in CA and sell my house..so in between tornadoes, I spent 7 days showing my house to strangers...and now I am one signature from “being in contract” and having to move to CA in 3 weeks. And all of this in between tornadoes. Plus my beloved Rudy the wonder kitty got sick...but he seems ok now...it has been one thing after another..RELENTLESS..so I wish u safety and shelter from the storm. 

Comment by Steve G. on May 30, 2019 at 7:15am

Mary.Jane,

Prayers for you too, stay safe and check in when you can.

We got a lot of rain and thunder where we live, finally gave up listening to the tv, shut it off and listened to radio/music.

Comment by Steve G. on May 30, 2019 at 7:10am

Deborah P,

Prayers for you and your neighbor's that the flood waters will spare you all.  I will echo Marsha, stay safe and please let us know as soon as you can.

Double Hugs

Comment by Marsha H on May 30, 2019 at 7:04am

Deborah P ...  Prayers coming your way from me.  I am so shocked this is happening to you.  I pray that your house and your neighbor's homes are safe.  You stay safe and please keep in contact with us.

Hugs

Marsha

Comment by Marsha H on May 30, 2019 at 7:03am

Debbie R ...  Never feel bad for causing someone to tear up because it's good for us.  I just feel bad for the person posting remember how it was with myself and that feeling is never forgotten.

You are in raw grief which is a sneaky little thief which makes us feel confident and that we are finally coming out of our raw grief and without warning it feels like we have slid down the mountain and have to climb up again.  It's very normal and it's not a great journey, but it does get easier in time and I promise that.  Our love for our spouses never goes away, but you will find your own routine, feel life come back once again and a future ahead of you.  That's hard for you to believe right now.  

Strangely enough although honestly I'm sick of finding no one who is freed up to do things with most of the time I have found so much strength I didn't know I had.  In the first year of my grief I felt like you and I just didn't want to wake up and prayed to God I wouldn't, but He had other plans for me.  The second year most of the shock wore off and I still had some good crying sessions, but I was slowly becoming use to the fact that Ernie wasn't coming back and I wanted him to be proud of me so I dove with 2 feet in and since I'm retired I volunteered at a dog shelter as I love dogs.  It helped.  No, for you in raw grief keeping busy will only help the time go by for now, but slowly you will realize you are getting stronger and keeping busy will help you.  You'll find more things to do.  I remember in my second year I was at my brothers and someone said something funny and I laughed and shocked myself!  Do I feel whole right now?  No I don't.  I still have a ways to go yet myself, but I keep on trying.  So hon, for now just rest, cry when you want to and don't let anyone rush you through your grief.  People say things because they truly hope you are feeling better.  No one understands, but those of us on here that have had a spouse pass away and I had to learn that the hard way.

You are not dramatic at all and every single person that has come on Legacy whether for a long while or just joined has gone through what you are going through so when you feel sad put your feelings in your post so we can surround you with much love and hopefully encouragement.  

Did you get my email address?  No pressure at all and I do understand if you're not ready to talk one on one.  

Prayers for you tonight and for all.

Big hug (because you need it)

Marsha

 

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