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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1365
Latest Conversations: 21 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 5 Replies

Lost my husband

Started by Mary Clough. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 99 Replies

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Started by denise. Last reply by Jeanette McSherry Aug 31. 6 Replies

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Comment by Sheri Dettman on August 24, 2018 at 11:56pm

Jeanette,

Yes, it's all the unanswered questions that drive us all crazy. Even though we know there are never going to be any answers. It's two years tomorrow, Aug. 25th, that my Bill died of a glioblastoma. Hearing that John McCain has stopped treatment, and knowing what they are going through brought me to tears this morning. And yes, there are always TV shows, movies, books, etc...that we would never have thought twice about in the past, but they have so much more meaning now. All we can do is keep on breathing. I'm going out of the country first thing in the AM as a distraction. Going to go to Spain, where I've never been, and just get out of Dodge for a couple of weeks. You've come to a good place here. The people are fantastic, and you'll get a lot of relief from being able to share.

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on August 24, 2018 at 8:20pm

Two month anniversary of my husband's death today. To distract myself I went to a blue grass concert. (I don't even like bluegrass).  The weather was so beautiful tho - a slight chill in the air. But it seems only couples from 60 up like bluegrass so I'm looking at all these couples and the tears came... so I had to leave. My entire town seems to be retirees. To make matters even worse one of the t.v. dramas showed a person who'd been in a coma for 8 months waking up. Boy did that open a can of worms.  Considering the doctor couldn't even fill out a form to get the death certificate correct....I wonder if I should have gotten a second opinion. What if...  What if?

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 24, 2018 at 12:28am

Dear DJ,

Your words, that your wife deserves to be remembered at her best, not your worst, went so directly to my heart and gave me a tremendous amount of comfort and guidance. I shall always remember them when I am getting pulled into the web of self-recrimination over Larry's last days and the many ways I feel I failed him.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I am sure many other family here feel just as grateful as I do for your sharing that lovely thought.

God Bless You -

Love, Chuck

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 24, 2018 at 12:24am

Dear Sara,

Thank you - you always say what I need to hear to make me feel better. Yes, the Texas heat some days knocked the stuffing out of me, but I think I am adapting. I will never lose my preference for cooler summer nights with breezes and the sound of the leaves rustling in the trees  - memories of times in the Berkshire mountains in Mass. when I was a boy sitting on an old porch swing watching the lightning bugs under the pines in the yard.

I don't think I will ever visit any medical office for the rest of my days without remembering 2015 and the months leading up to April 22nd. I can mostly get through them now without tears, but just barely.

I hope the days are getting a little easier for you now. Losing your father and then your operation must have been so difficult, and I completely understand your aversion to watching medical shows on TV.

Your prayers are so greatly appreciated, as is your support and friendship. Be well my friend -

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 23, 2018 at 9:49pm

Steve.....thanks for posting this poem.  I like and need the reminder

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 23, 2018 at 9:48pm

Chuck....Nice to hear from you.  Glad you and Steve are settled.  Was the Texas heat tough to deal with? 

So many triggers to bring us right back to "that" time but being in the process of medical appointments and tests is a big one to bring you back to what you went through when you lost Larry.  At least it is for me.  I don't even watch medical shows on tv anymore because of it.  I believe Larry does approve of how you're living your life now and is comforted that you have Steve by your side.  I'll be thinking about you and will say an extra prayer for peace for you as you approach your upcoming anniversary.

love,

Sara

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 23, 2018 at 9:34pm

Jeanette.....I am a firm believer that our date of death is determined at our conception.  Despite the fact that I believe this, I still play the "what if" game.  If we had made this decision or not made that one, would Ken still be here.  I know the answer is no because God's plan was to take him when he did.  Believe me, I tried everything to keep him here including giving him a kidney.  On the night he passed, he had been in the hospital for a month.  I  was standing right by his side, in the middle of a conversation when he went into cardiac arrest.  A swarm of doctors were in his room within 10 seconds (they were running in before I could even call for them) and they worked on him for over an hour.  That was his time and there was nothing I could do about it.  I know you feel guilty for going away that night but take it from me.....even if you were by his side, you couldn't have prevented his passing.  It'll take some time but eventually all the good happy memories start to overtake the sick hospital memories.  I do still have to push aside guilt wondering what I could have done better but then I tell myself that Ken knew how completely he was loved and that I did my best.  Ray knows that of you too. 

Comment by deborah peck on August 23, 2018 at 10:17am

Jeanette, so sorry you have had to become a family member on here but you have picked a good family to become a part of. I think everyone on here has struggled with guilt or as Steve says, the what ifs. My Greg passed 15 months ago and I still struggle everyday, always wondering if I could of done something differently, knowing I didn't spend every minute by his side when he came home on hospice but me still thinking we had a long time not just a day, but I know from when my 1st husband passed that if you let it the gulit will eat away at you and you cant change anything so most of the time I can shove it aside but once in awhile it makes its way in and that is a rough day, 

Comment by Steve on August 23, 2018 at 7:47am

Dear family, 

For those who believe:

I wish I could tell you of all that God has planned
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn’t understand
But one this is for certain though my life on earth is o’re
I am closer to you now than I was ever before
And to my very many friends, trust God knows what is best
I’m still not far away from you, I’m just beyond the crest
There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb
But together we can do it taking one day at a time
It was always my philosophy and I’d like it for you too
That as you give unto the world so the world will give to you
If you can help somebody who is in sorrow or in pain
Then you can say to God at night my day was not in vain
And now I am contented that my life was worthwhile
Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile
So if you meet somebody who is down and feeling low
Just lend a hand to pick him/her up as on your way you go.
When you are walking down the street and you’ve got me on your mind,
I’m walking in your footsteps only half a step behind
And when you feel the gentle breeze or the wind upon your face
That’s me giving you a great big hug or just a soft embrace
And when it’s time for you to go from that body to be free
Remember you’re not going you are coming here to me.
I will always love you.

Anonymous

ear Family, I have posted this many times, today is a good day for me to do so again:

Comment by Steve on August 23, 2018 at 7:43am

Jeanette,

'What if", is our worst enemy.  It clouds our memories of our dearly departed, in time you will start to remember and to cling to all the memories that made you happy, laugh, love and simply enjoy the times your both were just in the same room each occupied with doing something separately or together.  Our brains have the capacity to gently lead us through grief, and yes we resist our own selves, yet as for me I also banned music and joy from my life.  I went to work and played the part of someone that outwardly looked fine.  Those that were closest to me knew me better than I thought, yet they quietly went along and supported me.  It took me 3 months after loosing Mark to find this site.   Once I posted on this site for the very first time, I felt as if some of the weight of my grief had been lifted.  I have since and will continue to come to this site to share and stay connected to my 'family'.  Our stories help each other in ways that no one else outside of this site will ever understand.  Thank you for sharing, your post has helped me and others.  My prayer for you is that you will continue to share and come back to us, every post from everyone will touch someone and help others in ways we still do not understand.  Hugs to you, cause you need them.

 

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