Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Bad and even worse days

Started by Patricia Huett. Last reply by Richard Gordon Jun 1. 4 Replies

Bad day

Started by David Heggi. Last reply by David Heggi Apr 10. 4 Replies

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Comment by janeo on May 27, 2012 at 5:04pm
I really don't have anything to say but I want everyone to have a safe holiday. And my prayers to all.
Comment by Carol Kayser on May 27, 2012 at 12:58am
Hillary, my husband too was diabetic. So many complications through his life. I say cancer may have caused his death but the diabetes ruined his life.
To your question, I think your feelings are normal and a natural part of the grieving. There are no timelines and you look at your friend and her happiness could be having you confront your loss over again so it is hard to be happy. If though she has been a good friend to you I think you will find it in your heart to be happy for her on her special day.

Comment by MaggieP on May 26, 2012 at 10:27pm
Hillary, My husband Dave died in December of 2010. I am a violinist, and one of the many things I do is play for weddings. I live in a resort area, and most of the weddings are in the summer. Last summer, I worried how I was going go to get through those weddings. I made it through with some tears, but I was able to pull myself together. I know it isn't the same, but I would watch the young couple and their family and friends, and know that the love of my life was gone from me. Sometimes the difficult thing for me was to go back to my empty house. All of our feelings get mixed up. I hope that every bride and groom I played for have a chance at the very special love that Dave and I shared. Hugs to you all. Hugs are good!
Comment by Carinda Mickelsen on May 26, 2012 at 9:56pm
Vee, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I have no wisdom to give you, as my husband hasn't even been gone two months yet, but I'm praying for peace for all of us. Hugs to you, Carinda
Comment by Hillary Parsons on May 26, 2012 at 9:26pm

I am new here but very thankful for this support group. I have been reading many posts and it has helped me some.

My beloved husband Kevin died 3 years ago. He was in Northwestern Hospital for an elective surgery. He was a diabetic and was given an overdose of insulin and died of a hypoglycemic coma. He was unable to speak and then seized and went into a coma. He was left untreated in bed for 5 hours. When he was finally moved to MICU his blood sugar was 11. Normal is 100. I am an RN and have been for 27 years. Kevin was a 55 year old MD. He was my great love, best friend, my everything. I have moved slowly through the past 3 years doing the best I can for my children--aged 24 and 27.

My closest friend is now getting married at age 54. She is in love for the first time in her life. I am having a horrible time trying to be happy for her, go to her wedding, etc. I am envious and guilty about it. I know thats crazy but it is reality. Can anyone relate to this?

Thanks for reading.

Comment by Vee on May 26, 2012 at 8:22pm

To all my friends here, this has been one of the hardest weekends I've experienced since Valentine's Day.  I went to the cemetery yesterday to put flowers on Lawrence's grave, and his grave marker had been put down just that morning.  When I saw his named and his birthdate and a precious blurb on his marker, it really did something to me inside.  I finally had to accept that the man I adored is truly gone from me. 


As the grave attendant lifted the vase to make sure I was pleased with everything, there was a gentleman at the grave of his wife who looked over as if to say "I understand."  My eyes were awash with tears, and I could barely speak to say "Yes, everything is all right."


Thankfully my brother was there with me, and he led me back to the car.  I'm not going back there until Lawrence's birthday.  It's just too hard.  For the first time, I have to accept that I have no choice but to move forward.  It's only been four months, and I feel sometimes as if I'm drowning.


I thank all of you who have prayed for me.  I'm not quite back at square one, but it's a painful weekend for me.  My family and friends have been awesome, and I've acquired a lot of new friends since Lawrence passed away.  My true friends are still here, but I sure did get rid of a lot of "fake" friends. 


To all who understand what I'm going through, I'm praying for you.  This is not for the faint of heart.  Losing someone that you love with all your heart is difficult, but I cling to my love for God and the fact that I will never lose Him.


May God's love and support be with all of you this Memorial Day and beyond.  Warm hugs and blessings to all!

Comment by Anita Ippolito on May 26, 2012 at 7:17am

Thanks for your wonderful comments.  It does help to have a group or community that has actually gone through this. I will keep reading all your wonderful coments and will also start sharing my feelings.  Everyone have a safe, happy Memorial Day Weekend!

Comment by nancy on May 24, 2012 at 2:32pm

Oh Jane, thank you soo much. I'd like to think that this is a group effort here. We can gain so much from each others experiences. Always in my prayers and hugs to you my friend.

Anita, I decided to ignore others discomfort of not knowing how to deal with me and started calling them or asking for a walking partner on facebook! My phone is still ringing and messages coming 2 months later. I love to talk about John (passed 8 months ago) and my friends and family seem to love to hear the crazy stories too.I laugh alot when I share and it feels so good!  I'm just realizing how many lonely people there are around, even married, and want the company too. I've also met wonderful new friends through support groups and exercise classes. I have to be honest, I'm pleasantly surprised. So, for me, I'm going after my friends and filling my calendar. I was always the quieter one (not quiet) between me and John. I loved to hear him talk and was happy to sit back and enjoy him. It wasn't so difficult to be the one to start the conversation at the support groups because I was so interested in everyone and how they were handling things. Knowledge is power!

I also know that I would not have made it this far if I didn't know the Lord. My faith has only gotten stronger. If you start your day on your knees, you can't get any lower!!

I know what works for me may not work for anyone else, it's very personal. We at least agree that our faith will get us through.

Prayers and hugs. Peace

Comment by Carol Kayser on May 24, 2012 at 12:34pm

Anita, it is such a struggle, I think North American society is structured differently than other cultures, family dynamics/connections, friends and others.  For many reasons grief makes a lot of people around a grieving person uncomfortable, edgy, fidgety.  I believe it has something to do with the mixed emotions they feel - first they are sorry, caring and supportive, then they struggle with the selfishness of "glad it didn't happen to me/us" and then they just put all those emotions behind them, hope you are doing ok, and that's that.  It all then disappears into "I'll call you, let's have coffee" etc. and of course that becomes further and further apart.

I think this is why so many people who suffer loss turn to groups, reach out to community and then begin to form new friendships. It becomes there that we feel connected again.  To be with like minded people is one of the main things - because they realize what has happened, can appreciate the struggles and can offer support.  There is so much truth in the statement "Until you walk in another's  shoes" you will not appreciate the impact and significance of the loss of a loved one on not just the spouse but the children and the people connected with them.


My husband has been gone 2 years in August.  We keep the memories alive and work to incorporate his love into our new lives.  It sounds to me like you are learning to appreciate your new joys and that can only lead to good things!


Take care,



Comment by Anita Ippolito on May 24, 2012 at 3:09am

I haven't commented on this for awhile, but something I read hit me hard.  Why do most of your friends just disappear after something like this happens.  My husband, Gary, has been gone 3-1/2 years and I don't think I can still understand this whole thing.  I have a 10 year old son, whose memories of his dad keep getting more and more distant.  My 15 year old still won't talk about it, and I just keep going on, usually so fast that I don't have time to think or feel.  I just realized today that I really need to start "living" again, actually being in the moment with my grief and with my new joys and happiness. It is helpful to read all your wonderful thoughts and comments.  If it weren't for my faith in the Lord I don't know where I would be.  It is really all I have that will never leave.


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