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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

Members: 1365
Latest Conversations: 19 hours ago

This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

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New Member

Started by Susan. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 5 Replies

Lost my husband

Started by Mary Clough. Last reply by Marsha H Sep 2. 99 Replies

New member

Started by denise. Last reply by Jeanette McSherry Aug 31. 6 Replies

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Comment by Jeanette McSherry on August 22, 2018 at 9:19pm

Can someone tell me how to reply to someone's comment?

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on August 22, 2018 at 9:19pm

The biggest obstacle is guilt. My husband's condition (which the doctor referred to as a mystery disease) mimicked Parkinsons. Best they could determine it was Frontal Temporal Dementia. It did not cause his death or contribute to it directly but for some reason his sleeping behavior became very erratic and vocal. One night at 3AM I wakened to him singing "Desperado" at the top of his lungs. Right on key, too - he had a beautiful singing voice. But most nights sleep eluded me. Even with ear plugs and ambien there was no sleeping through the noise. When the opportunity arose for me to oversee the work being done on our summer place I literally jumped at the chance. Ray encouraged me to go (the town had inadvertently flooded my home last fall and would not help us find a contractor). People in my life group warned me not to leave him but I arranged for a caretaker and companion and took off anyway. Had I been there the night he died - he would have lived. I never would have let him sit in a booth he didn't fit in. Had he choked we would have been able to get him help in time. So now I have to live with the fact that I might have changed what happened. Some of what I'm feeling is just survivor's guilt. Watching a program he liked on T.V., finding a restaurant he would have loved, enjoying a sunset, listening to music. I find its easier not to eat, not to listen to music...  The worst part is - a month before he passed I said:  (after he yelled 'I'm Okay' when he was falling across the room) - "You are not okay - and you insisting you are is going to be the death of you."  And it happened - just like I said. My son asked him if he was okay in that booth. Ray never wanted to inconvenience anyone so he said he was. I would have known better. I should have been there.

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on August 22, 2018 at 9:03pm

I am not sure how to reply (technically). Do I add comment? Everyone's messages are so encouraging and welcoming. I am so grateful for this group.

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 22, 2018 at 7:52pm

Hello everyone,

I haven't posted in awhile, but have been reading the posts and sending silent prayers out to all of you. I am continuing to get settled with Steve in our new life in TX, and although it is at times exhausting, it is a good feeling overall.

I am pushing myself to break through my invisible barriers that keep me separate from new people, and in so doing I think I may be making some new friends. I have now established a medical support team here by finding a primary care physician as well as a gastroenterologist. The scheduling of appointments and tests and procedures is bringing me mentally back to the time three years ago when I lost Larry and my health collapsed. Many thoughts and memories are swirling through my somewhat muddled brain as I face what would be Larry's and my 35th anniversary next Monday.

Nights remain for me the most emotional hours - lately when I am looking at TV my mind is traveling back revisiting memories good and bad. Sometimes I have such vivid dreams of long ago places that I awake surprised at my current location. Mostly, I guess I just am missing Larry more than I can describe, and hope as he watches what I do that he approves and is smiling.

My wishes to all for peace and calm days, and thank you for always listening -

Love, Chuck 

 

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on August 22, 2018 at 7:37pm

Dear Jeanette,

I wish to add my welcome to our family here, because over the nearly three years I have been in this group, that is how I have come to feel about everyone. In that respect, this is indeed a place where I feel welcomed unconditionally. This is not a substitution for the love I received (and continue to receive) from Larry. Rather it is a constant source of strength, encouragement, and hope that, as Steve says, my days will continue to get better.

You are so very new in your journey, and I do hope you will let us lighten your burden through sharing it with you - it is what I found here when I found myself in the darkest time of my life, and now I greet each day with a wonder and gratitude that I once thought impossible. Jeanette, please believe me that nothing is impossible - it just takes time, a lot of tears, and the help of our friends. You are not alone - my prayers and thoughts go out to you and your family.

Love, Chuck

Comment by Sara Murphy on August 22, 2018 at 9:21am

Jeanette.......I'm sorry for the loss that has brought you to us.  I echo Steve's sentiment that finding this site was a Godsend for me.  I lost my husband Ken 2 1/2 yrs ago.  He was just 52 and I was 50.  None of my family/friends could understand the grief of losing your soulmate.  When I found Legacy and started reading the posts, I knew I found "my people".  When you see someone else writing about what's in your own head and heart, you know you've found people who understand. 

I too have always had difficulties in the morning.  It's hard to start yet another day when the only person you want is no longer available to you.  Somehow though, I find the strength to get going especially because I know it's what Ken would want for me.  It's funny how you mention no one else loving you 24/7.  This has recently been on my mind.  I lost my father in July and now the only person remaining who would love me unconditionally is my mother.  Once she passes, there's no one left.  I do have 4 siblings but as you say, siblings don't love you unconditionally, 24/7.  It's a scary world.  I rely on my faith in God to give me strength.  I'm certainly better now than I was when I first lost him but I also feel as if I've plateaued. 

Please know that we are all here for you whenever you need to talk.  This is a true judgment free zone.

Sending you a virtual hug.

Sara

Comment by Steve on August 21, 2018 at 10:30pm

One of my favorite quotes:

“When I think of death, and of late the idea has come with alarming frequency, I seem at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in the valley of strange humors.
I can accept the idea of my own demise but I am unable to accept the death of anyone else. I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return.
Disbelief becomes my close companion, and anger follows in its wake. I answer the heroic question ‘Death, where is thy sting?’ with ‘it is here in my heart and mind and memories’.”

By Maya Angelou

Comment by Steve on August 21, 2018 at 10:27pm

Jeanette,

So sorry for your loss, words are not sufficient to express the pain each one of us goes through.  I am glad that you have found this site, for me it was and still is my life line to sanity.  This November 30th will be the 4th anniversary of my Mark's passing.  Mark died from a genetic disease very similar to Parkinson's, something each male in his family suffered with.  Our life together was always overshadowed by this fact and we always talked about it, even though we both tried not to accept the inevitable.  Mark and I had 26 years together and it was the last 7 years that his health started to decline.  He would have seizers that lasted only a few seconds or a minute, each one affecting him differently.  As his health declined his seizers frequency increased.  He would go into a state where he was conscience and aware of his surroundings, but he could not move or speak.  Sometimes he would be home alone when these happened and then on November 30th he actually had one while sleeping, as his breathing became labored I sat there in complete horror and alone watching as he took his last breath.  Having to deal with the police because he passed in our apartment was just as painful.  I did not want to be alone, however, when they all finally left, I cried until I passed out from exhaustion.  Each day became a challenge just to get out of bed, each day became something I dreaded, going to work and dealing with questions and stares, knowing that everyone meant well, yet knowing they did not understand the extent of my pain and  loss was as sad as loosing Mark.  

It is hard to explain the number of emotions that we each one face on a day to day basis, I can however offer up hope for you.  As we get thru each day, sometimes moment by moment, we grow stronger, the pain and loss never leaves us, but we do get better.  Please hang in there and post here as often as you want, even if it is to just vent.  This site was and is a God send for me and hope you continue to post here as well.  Take care of yourself, there are no rules in how we choose to grieve, we all do so differently.

Sending you hugs cause you need them,

Steve 

Comment by Jeanette McSherry on August 21, 2018 at 9:55pm

Greetings  Lost my husband the end of June in an unexpected accident. It has been financially chaotic ever since. The hardest times are the mornings- getting myself going. I don't get done with phone calls and running to and from the post office until 4PM and then for a few hours I relax. Then comes the loneliness and realizing that no one else in the world loves you 24/7 - not even siblings. Maybe parents but my mother died young and I never lived with my father. Thank you all for being here for me.

Comment by deborah peck on August 16, 2018 at 9:17am

Woke uo thinking of you today Mary, praying for you

 

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