Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Diamond Jan 31. 13 Replies

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Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21, 2019. 5 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on March 17, 2018 at 4:25am

Dear Sue ...  You are not feeling sorry for yourself at all and never believe that.  You have certainly had more than your share of grief and please remember that getting through that was enough, but you're still standing and you always will.  

I have happy to hear that your grief counseling is going well.  It helped me too, but Legacy really did save my life from all the angels that use to be on here and even the new members.

All the symptoms and feelings you are going through are very normal (I've been there) and, in fact, still have my beloved Ernie's work jacket hanging off a hook in the hallway.  It's been there since 2011.  Ernie and I were like you and John, so close and shared so much and yes, the evenings are the worst, but after 7 years I've grown accustomed to not having those conversation any longer and try to put my mind on other things and yes, I even talk to my two dogs (couldn't have children.)  

I will certainly say a prayer tonight and hope your dad comes through it all.  I can understand your fears.

Susan, what I did after Ernie passed away even though I was not thinking straight, I took his death certificate with me to the bank I dealt with, explained the situation and they did the rest.  I hope you will do the same as there are many ways to save your house and have money in the bank.  Take a friend or family member with you when you go.

I will be honest in saying when I have some tough days I get angry at God too for letting Ernie pass away.  At other times I actually get angry at Ernie and this was bad at the beginning of my grief, but not so much now.  Very normal emotion.

Keep going to grief counseling and please keep coming here as the angels on here will be right here for you. 

You will not lose control or go crazy although you may feel that now.  Every single day you get up makes you stronger and yes, you will get some breaks in life to help you through your grief.  Cry when you want to, sleep as much as you can and if by chance you just don't want to go out and just be alone do so.  I found walking was a good help for me when I wanted to be alone with my own thoughts.  One day down the road I can promise you without even realizing it at first you will laugh out loud.  I did and others have and it sure shocked me.   

Big hug (because you need it.)


Comment by David Heggi on March 16, 2018 at 1:00pm

I am so sorry, Sue; you have definitely had more than your share of grief to bear.  I also think I've paid my dues, and then to have more heaped upon them.  I am also frequently angry at a God who would allow this.  I don't have an answer;  I do have empathy:  I am in the same situation, losing my beloved, my house - my entire life without him.  Most people don't consider not only the loss of our loved ones, but that income as well.  And that adds more devastation.  My heart goes out to you, Sue.

Comment by Susan Farrell on March 16, 2018 at 11:59am

Feeling guilt seems to be common thing among us who have lost our loves.  I see things everywhere that remind me of John.  I am keeping notes he wrote, his last empty Tic Tac container, etc.  I hug his pillow and it still smells like him.  I stare at his picture and play our song and cry and cry.  I went to my first grief counseling session today.  It went well.  I have learned to let it all out quickly so I don't end up in a year's worth of co-pays.  I feel a little lighter.  I still can't eat much and have so much trouble concentrating; I forget things all the time.  I am clutching onto this life as I really want to be in the next life. I learned in my 12 Step group to "act as if...", and to suit up and show up.  Therefore, I will be making corned beef and cabbage tomorrow.  Evenings are the worst for me.  John and I spent so much time together, but just after supper was very nice quality time and just being together.  My Dad lives with me.  He has two types of cancer and is on chemo.  He is 85.  Yesterday he had a biopsy of a tumor on his foot.  Oh God.  Doc thinks it's cancer and if so, would have to amputate.  We will get an answer in two weeks.  I have not seen it mentioned here about financial difficulties or the fear of them since our spouses or significant others have died.  I have the fear.  If my Dad dies I will more than likely lose my home.  I am squeezing every nickel.  I am grateful to have a community food bank that does not consider income or I would not qualify. I  am trying to count my blessings and to look at what is right in my life.  I pray quite often, but I am more than mad at God for allowing  John to die.  I have had a lot of traumatic losses in my life and I feel picked on by this life.  My Mom when she was only 60, my husband, a sixth month pregnancy and two other miscarriages, Patrick our friend of 35 years who we took care of all those years, my 22 yr old daughter in law and my grandson died in a car accident and now my sweet love John at age 55.  I've had enough!!!! I am surely feeling sorry for myself.   Sue

Comment by deborah peck on March 16, 2018 at 10:01am

Anthony, my husband too passed at home and it is a hard but blessed experience, a lot of guilt that maybe I could of done things differently and he could of lived longer, ect... I replay it all in my mind all the time too. Unlike you he only lived two days after I brought him home and after being the caretaker for my mom I knew I couldn't be the one to dispense his meds so my brother did that for me and he was surrounded by my entire family with me laying next to hime when God took him, I try to think of the good too but right now I cant find that peace either, its been 10 months for me but everyone on here is so supportive so don't be afraid to bare your soul on here as everyone on here is helpful and they know EXACTLY what your going thru, hugs to you  Debby

Comment by Charles E. Nelson on March 15, 2018 at 2:58pm

Thank you, Anthony - knowing that somehow my words have helped you makes me very glad, and I send a virtual hug to you and to all here -

Love, Chuck

Comment by Anthony Umphenour on March 15, 2018 at 12:27pm

And thanks for including me into the family here.  I really needed to hear that.

Comment by Anthony Umphenour on March 15, 2018 at 12:22pm

Oh Chuck - if only I could reach out and hug you and thank you for these powerful  words.  Wow!  You get it.  Thank you!

After this wave of tears ebbs from my eyes I'm going save these comments on my Notes app so I can have these words to read within two taps on my iphone.  There are so many gems in your comments. You have given me hope. 

Big thanks again!


Comment by Charles E. Nelson on March 15, 2018 at 11:27am

Dear Anthony,

I know what you are talking about when you say you have trouble connecting to pleasant and happy memories of your life with Kevin. Once I found myself alone at home without Larry, for many many months I wandered around the house in a fog looking at photos of us in many places and times and they seemed like those people both were now vanished forever. Nights were somehow most unsettling when I was awake while the world slept feeling like a ghost myself. It seemed that all I could remember were Larry's last few months, and how in my mind I had so badly failed to be there for him. Long story I won't go into now. Please believe me that eventually, in your own time and at your own pace, you will find yourself once more focused on the good and beautiful things you and Kevin shared. I know it doesn't seem so now. Let yourself feel what you are feeling now and don't let it frighten or upset you too much - it is completely normal and something that for most if not all of us is part of the early grieving process. There are all sorts of timetables and stages that some people want us to adhere to as we grieve. I just can't accept the idea that we are all expected to be somewhere on a chart of feelings by a certain amount of time after our loss. We are all different with individual experiences and emotional norms. We do share the knowledge of what losing our life partner and spouse means for us all - that is something no one can completely understand until they sadly experience it for themselves. 

Your use of the word haunting resonates with me deeply, and I can only offer that for myself, I had to chose consciously to allow that new feeling into my life and find a place for it in my days in order to rob it of it's power to potentially overtake me. Sounds a bit odd maybe, and I only share this as an encouragement to find whatever way you can to make your own peace in the days ahead with the emotions that will come your way. They will come, be aware of that, but you need not face them alone, and they will not cripple or destroy you I promise. Kevin is not going to let that happen, nor is God, nor are we here in this family.

Have a peaceful day our friend, and be gentle with yourself.

Love, Chuck

Comment by Anthony Umphenour on March 15, 2018 at 9:29am

Thank you Sara and Charles, I always will appreciate your kindness. Kevin died at home with me and his brother at his side saying how much we loved him.  It was to most intimate but yet the most harrowing experience I've ever had.  His last week his brother and I gave him round the clock care along with some help from the hospice team.  We took great care of him so he could be as comfortable as possible.  But I'm haunted still by this memory of his last week.  It keeps going over and over in my mind.  I'm not trying to change anything like what could I have done better,  but over and over in my mind that dreaded week goes through my mind.  I can't remember the happy times.  Why don't those go through my mind?  My pastor told me what a wonderful gift I gave him and he was blessed to have me and his brother to help him go to heaven.  I try to think that way. But it always return to that dreaded haunting.  I do have two of his best smiling pictures in the living room his ashes between them and I talk to him in a loving way.  I have pictures of our happy times that I look at to remind me.  But it's that broken record harrowing feeling that keeps repeating and haunting me.  

Comment by deborah peck on March 15, 2018 at 8:50am

dear Mary Jane, I think that is such  a good thing that the date didn't pop out at you because you are right that it would've been that much harder.keep on plodding along this journey


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