Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.


Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Marsha H on November 14, 2017 at 3:08pm

Deborah P.  ...  I am happy you got some peace out of my post on nightmares.  It is normal and many people do have twisted dreams; some good/some not so good.

I like the post you left that it's the little things we miss that our spouses use to do.  How true that is and it sure puts our lives into perspective.  I use to get after Ernie for coming home from work all dirty and leaving black finger prints on the side of the kitchen door jam and I'd give anything now to see those finger prints.  He would make me tea in the mornings on the weekend and even make dinner every so often to give me a break.  When he got home from work and after he showered we'd sit down him with his glass of wine and me with my tea and talk over each other's day and how I miss that!  I know exactly what you are saying Deborah.  I still look at Ernie's big chair and sometimes I close my eyes and hope when I open them by some miracle he'll be sitting in it.

I hope you are having a better day Deborah.  It does get better and like it or not we do get stronger and eventually set into a routine. 

Comment by deborah peck on November 14, 2017 at 10:03am

Marsha I like the way you kinda figured out my dream and it made sense to me, I'm sorry for anyone that experiences these nightmares but maybe your right and its explaining why they cant help us when we need them most

Comment by deborah peck on November 14, 2017 at 10:00am

Ive discovered its the little things you miss most after your spouse dies, holding hands, kissing goodnight, having him making me a cup of tea in the morning, taking a drive to look at the changing leaves, playing games together and I could continue but I know you all understand what I am talking about.

Comment by Mary. Jane on November 12, 2017 at 9:03pm
Deborah, I am so sorry this happened to you. I can,t give you any dream advice, because I have never dreamed of BOb in a personal way like that. I used to wish desperately for a dream visit, but it never occurred to me it could be a terrifying and hurtful dream. I hope it fades in time, as dreams seem to do.
Comment by Marsha H on November 12, 2017 at 2:54pm

Deborah P ...  I am so sorry to read you had such a terrible nightmare, but some people do have dreams such as this.  I have had a few nightmares such as this shortly after Ernie passed away and I felt helpless, felt like I needed consoling that everything would be OK or, I'd wake up from this terrible nightmare and everything would be as before when Ernie was alive.  A couple of years later I came to realize that dreams, good or bad, actually are good for us to release stress of things that we find intolerable to bare during our daily lives as it's a release mechanism.  I realized even the nightmares of not being able to help Ernie and for the first time in my life not being able to control the situation or just make things right was a hard hit on me.  It's normal for many people to have nightmares.

If this will help where your Greg was dying and you couldn't help no matter what the circumstances.  With Greg not comforting you it was because he couldn't, he was sick and unable to do so.  In many cases for a spouse passes suddenly with no warning the guilt of the surviving spouse feels they should have known and done something about it.  There are many scenarios to these dreams.  I also felt within myself I didn't know where Ernie had gone after passing and there was no way of knowing if he was at peace even though I am a Christian there is always that question in  my mind.  It's a big question I can't answer.  That's what makes grieving so hard.  I do feel our spouses are around us in times of trouble. 

I was having dreams of Ernie where he looked young when we first met and one dream we were in a little shop and I went to the back to look at things and when I came back he was standing in the middle of the store with his arm around this young girl's shoulder and he told me he didn't love me anymore.  I woke up crying and doubting him as the day went on, but then I realized he had always been faithful to me and that this dream was a twisted way of letting me know he wouldn't be in my life any longer.  Some people even study dreams to see what their meanings are. 

I pray you don't have any nightmares again, but, know it's normal.

Comment by deborah peck on November 12, 2017 at 10:30am

Today is the 6 month anniversary of Gregs passing woke up this morning having a horrible nightmare where he was dying and not supposed to live thru the weekend I was sobbing in the dream and he was standing beside me looking at me but not trying to comfort me, was very weird and a horrible way to start this sad day

Comment by deborah peck on November 10, 2017 at 10:36am

I too believe in signs from our loved ones, I awoke out of a sound sleep to the smell of Gregs aftershave one day and smiled to myself knowing he was near so treasure the feathers and other signs they send as its from them. This is what happened a few days after my mom passed, I  came home from her house a couple of days after she passed and was walking into my bedroom pleading with her in my mind to let me here her say my name one more time, my kids and husband were standing near and I heard her say my name, I turned around thinking it was one of my family and just kinda shrugged it off and then I heard her say clearly Deb which is what she always called me so II smiled and thanked her, so no I wasn't going crazy it was her voice and her sign that she was near

Comment by Marsha H on November 10, 2017 at 5:19am

Mary,Jane ...  I've read so many things on subject and yes, they say feathers, coins, scents (if they wore aftershave) and I believe it.  The day that Ernie passed away and my girlfriend drove me home she had really wanted to stay with me, but I was in such denial he was gone I told her to go home.  She reluctantly did so.  I wandered aimlessly in the gardens and rounded the corner and as I just stood and stared at the flowers a Blue Jay swooped down and dropped a blue feather.  I knew it was Ernie as if to say, 'I free, out of pain, but letting you know I'm OK.'  Like you, I kept the feather and still have it although it's lost the blue on it and turned gray.  No one knows what can happen and until they prove otherwise I believe these are messages from our loved ones.

Comment by Marsha H on November 10, 2017 at 5:14am

Deborah ...  I read your post with tears and I agree with you that we are in such pain missing our loving spouses we forget others miss them too.  Thank you for that post!

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 9, 2017 at 9:45pm

Mary Jane.......Yes, definitely that was a feather from heaven.  Feathers are one of the signs our loved ones use to let us know they are near.  Bob wanted you to know that he was with you and your daughter that day at the ocean.


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