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Bereaved Spouses

A continutaion of the "When a Spouse or Partner Dies" thread.

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This might be a rough time for many of you. Do what you feel you need to do to get through it. Remember, someone is here almost all the time to talk to you.

Peace

Discussion Forum

Navigating Widow-hood

Started by Tim's Mom, Vickie. Last reply by Michele Jul 21. 5 Replies

Finding the new normal

Started by Sharon Kinsey. Last reply by Frances C Younger Jun 24. 12 Replies

Grief so great it hurts

Started by Bonny Jones. Last reply by Bonny Jones Jan 22. 12 Replies

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Comment by Kaela Roster Federle on November 2, 2017 at 4:16pm

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to come on here and reach out and say hi. I have been noticing everyone has been having difficulties with their family, especially as the holidays are upon us. I am lucky that I am so close with my husband's family and they treat me like a daughter. I have been having conflicts with my own family though. I think the stress and the grief just gets to everyone and everyone ends up butting heads and not doing the right things, and maybe this is also the case with your families. 

I also wanted to reach out on here again because I have been going through a really rough time the last two weeks. I am not sure if its because of Halloween and the beginning of the holidays or what but I am just having a really, really, rough time. I just feel extremely depressed and angry. I don't know what to do with myself. School has been keeping me very busy, so I am probably just really exhausted. I just miss him so much its unbearable. Can't stand it. :-(

- Kaela

Comment by Marsha H on November 2, 2017 at 3:58pm

Debbie P ....  I feel so sad for you that Greg's family has not accepted you and your girls.  It's odd to say the least because generally the mother of the deceased wants the children of their son or daughter around as it's part of them.  Perhaps when you feel up to it call them and have a chat with them.  Often people are just guessing at how we must be feeling when our spouse has passed away.  I hope and pray all turns out for you.

I too put up a Christmas tree in memory of Ernie and have a wreath over the fireplace and after 2 years started to have two Christmas buffets; one for my own immediate family and one for friends.  It did help.  Now I have a great-niece who is just 2 years old and I feel I should put up the tree this year for her as well. 

Comment by Chicago Beard on November 2, 2017 at 10:33am

Have been reading the posts about not being included in family affairs once our loved one passed away. That is one area where I was blessed. I was treated the same even though it was my Rose that everyone liked more than me. Everyone has also accepted my new relationship with no issues. I am fortunate in that regard.

Comment by deborah peck on November 2, 2017 at 10:04am

Dear Mary Jane, I hope this finds you feeling better, Ive found that when I am tired or sick I have a lot harder time of missing Greg, I think its because when we are sick we just cant cope as well and also its hard to do it alone. I know the holidays are hard no matter how much time has passed. I love Christmas and usually put up 3 three trees and sooo many decorations, not sure how I will be able to do that this year but I am doing one tree on my porch in Auburn Tigers decorations to honor Greg as that's his favorite football team, hes from Alabama originially, , but we all know WE will get thru it somehow.  love Debbie

Comment by deborah peck on November 2, 2017 at 9:53am

Sara and Marsha, I too experienced the same thing when my first husband passed away, I could never figure out why his side of the family didn't include me in anything or our three little girls, I think its a constant reminder that they aren't around anymore so its easier for them not to be reminded by seeing us. I thought it was very sad when they had such a part of him in our girls, I don't understand it except to say they missed out on a big part of my husband

Comment by Michael Smith on November 2, 2017 at 7:08am

Sara,

our oldest son got married 8 months after Melanie passed. towards the end of the reception my family started getting together for some family pictures. When i looked across the hall I saw melanie's family doing the same thing without including me. Her brothers wife was the person to notice that I wasn't in the pictures and they called me over. A couple months later I saw that her mother posted a picture on facebook of her Family. It was one of the photo's taken before I joined them. They still tell me that I'm part of the family but I'm usually the last to hear about anything. I always felt like an outsider and now it seems to be coming true.

Comment by Marsha H on November 2, 2017 at 12:30am

Sara ...  Something similar happened to me within a few months of Ernie's passing.  It's possible they thought they were doing the right thing, but since Ken has passed away they may have thought it was too much for you to handle.  That being said, they chose the wrong way to do it and should have let you know.  I really don't think they meant any harm.  If there are other incidences that have come up and you weren't included then you need to talk to the family in as calm a manner as you can and let them know how you feel.  I find communication so important and when something like this happens to me I go to the source and let them know I don't appreciate being left out of things regarding family considering they consider you family.

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 1, 2017 at 9:51pm

I'll tell you all about something that really annoyed me last week.  Ken's aunt passed away on Wed 10/18.  On Monday 10/23 I texted Ken's brother to ask if he could help me with something.  He said sure and asked if he would see me at the funeral on Wed.  My reply was that I had no idea what funeral he was talking about.  So on Monday I found out I needed to go to a wake on Tuesday and funeral on Wednesday and if I hadn't coincidentally texted my brother in-law I wouldn't have known about either.  I then emailed Ken's cousin to offer my condolences on his mother and talked to 2 other people who already knew and everyone assumed someone else had told me so the end result was that no one told me.  That's what I'm angry about.  Everyone likes to say that I'm still part of the family but when family things come up, I'm not included.    That's my griping for tonight.  I wish everyone a peaceful night.

Sara

Comment by Sara Murphy on November 1, 2017 at 9:40pm

Hi Michael......I have my 2 yr anniversary coming up in January and I expect it'll be similar to yours.....I'll keep busy but no one will call.  I will however post something on Facebook because  I want to make sure Ken is never forgotten.  I do know his friends think about him or at least I assume they must but since very few people mention his name in my presence, I can never be sure.   Marsha is right, everyone goes back to their lives because the loss isn't the same for them however they seem unaware that it's truly life altering for us.

Comment by Marsha H on November 1, 2017 at 4:06pm

Michael ...  What you are going through is very normal  My husband passed away in 2011.  I went to grief counseling and they told me the same thing, that family and friends would be there for only a short time and then they would get on with their own lives.  Unfortunately, others may miss your spouse, but they accept it because they can and we are stuck missing our spouses experiencing a great loss.  We all grieve at our own pace.

I was shocked when long-time friends of 40 years dismissed me eventually simply because I was 'not a couple' any longer and it hurt my heart to the core.  I felt so alone and it was difficult coping with Ernie's death so I do understand the 'no phone calls.'  What you do is call those people back!  They have no idea what emotions you are feeling at the time and so it's up to you to reach out.  Do it when you feel like it and not because you have to.  When you are up to it volunteer even if you work because giving back seems to speed the grieving process. 

My communication with Ernie's family is also strange.  There is just his sister, her husband and 2 grown children.  I didn't have them keep in touch with me for a long time and realized while I was grieving so hard that I forgot how his sister must have felt and was going through her own grief missing him.  Now they have me over near Christmas and my grown niece keeps in touch with me.

I have a very small immediate family and they have done the best they can with the time they have.  I sit sometimes and often ponder how I can improve my new lifestyle as much as I don't like to admit I'm not keen on a new lifestyle, but it's a necessity. 

I promise you Michael as time goes on you are getting stronger and will have a future even though you don't think so now.  Every day you get up is a day stronger. 

Just a big hug to let you know I care as do others on here.

Hugs

Marsha

 

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